The Load of Despair
Dear Lord,
Please give me honest words to share Your hope with others. I am a dreamer, Lord, of some very self-gratifying visions. I can just see me standing as a benign dispenser of hopefulness, smiling as I hand out little packages of promises!
The scene changes. The swell of heavenly music blends in with the rushing of troubled waters. There I am, humble pedestaled, heralding the harbor to those floundering in the darkness of a stormy sea.
What a ridiculous posture! You never call anyone to be a manna machine, and Your Word is the only beacon that brushes the dark waters with hope.
If there are any floundering craft tossed to and fro by my sea of words, use me any way You can. I'll gladly forsake the pedestal — my arms were getting tired, anyway. Maybe I'm just a friendly porpoise, offering little nudges toward the harbor of Your joy.
I pray in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Amen.
Of all the characters to come from the pages of the Old Testament, none fascinates me more than Elijah. The full-colored range of his emotions and the epic
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quality of his actions carry a uniquely theatrical statement.
On top of Mount Carmel, in full view of all the people, he dared to stage a praying match with the four hundred fifty priests of Baal. One lone prophet of Jehovah God took on the masses of pagan priests and, in the name of the Lord, he won! It is an exciting story, and I encourage you to read it in detail in Kings 18.
See the pagan priests screaming to their gods, dancing with increasing fervor around the altar, and finally cutting themselves with sharp knives as they threw themselves upon the altars. No answer!
See Elijah — who had a sense of timing any actor would envy — stand watching so very calmly. See him suggest to the priests that they should cry out a bit louder. Perhaps their god is asleep. Perhaps he is away on vacation.
Then see Elijah pray once, simply wholeheartedly to his God. See the great One God answer with fire! Wonderful! See the drought-breaking rain that flooded the valley in answer to Elijah's request.
Elijah ran down from that meeting expecting a victory celebration, but was met by an order for his arrest! He was hated by King Ahab's sweet little wife, Jezebel. What a blow to Elijah. He had done his work well, the performance had been a smashing success. All the reviews had been raves. He should have been at the pinnacle of success, but instead he had to run for his life!
To put it mildly, things didn't turn out quite as he had expected. Have you been there? Have you ever known the crushing of your heart as your offering of
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love and craftsmanship is considered worthless? Have you sat and tried to make sense of all the hours wasted in preparation, all the sacrifices?
Before we get to Elijah's principle, let me share with you an experience of my appropriating it. I have claimed it many times, but this one time stands out in my memory with glaring clarity.
When the film The Hiding Place was first previewed in Houston, I experienced more uneasiness that I had known since the first day of filming. In that weird scheduling of events that makes us think the best has happened at the worst possible time, the early morning preview fell on the Saturday I was to teach the After Dinner Player's acting class.
World Wide Films graciously invited our company to attend the preview, which meant that my acting students would come from seeing me act to hearing me lecture about it! I was so uptight I thought of canceling the class.
I was uneasy because The Hiding Place offered, up there on that giant screen, the very best that I could do. No crumb of energy was withheld, no guarded talent was restrained. I worked with full abandonment, without excuse, without apology.
If it wasn't liked, I had nothing else to offer. That was the best I could do. Realizing my students would see it and then hear me speak, I knew I had no excuse if the technique I taught had not produced the kind of work they could admire.
Well, everything turned out fine. My company was so affected by the film they could not begin to concentrate
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on a lecture, and we abandoned the whole program and sat together to talk and cry about the work of God in The Hiding Place.
That experience served to alert me to my great vulnerability concerning the film. I began to protect myself for what would surely be criticism from one source or another. When I saw the film for the first time at a preview in Dallas, I realized that I was not able to deal with critical talk about that movie. I could not be clinical about comments concerning cuts that had to be made, or length of the film, or any opinion that did not come from someone involved in the making of the film itself.
I learned to lead that conversation away from the film's essentials when I was talking to casual friends. I had to learn to handle myself without reacting violently to various expressions of dissatisfaction. My feelings were not public domain!
First one review and then another came in from highly respected professional sources. They applauded the film! My armor against criticism melted in the warmth of praise. They even singled me out for special accolades.
I began to get fan letters from all over the country. At my speaking engagements, audiences would stand in line for hours just to tell me what that film had meant to them. I heard from theater friends in New York, California, and throughout several states, saying that my work had been exceptional, and they were proud of me.
I was touched by each comment and honestly delighted in the bouquets the Lord let me enjoy on their
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way to Him. I was nominated for the Golden Apple and Golden Discovery of the Year awards.
Somewhere in all that activity, a note was introduced that became a melody. Someone breathed the phrase Academy Award as they passed by. I heard it and laughed. How funny, that someone would even think I could be included in the Academy Award category. I laughed the first ten times I heard it!
Positive reviews kept coming in, and someone said it again. "You'll get an Academy Award." I didn't laugh or change the subject. Could it be possible? It didn't seem so, but wonders had been done. Our film was being called a classic in its time. It had some of the greatest talents of the business in it, and there was no faltering of craftsmanship.
I believed without any doubt that the directorial work of Jimmy Collier would certainly be acclaimed by the industry, and that Tedd Smith's music was of such genius that it honored the craft. I could see why Julie's work would be recognized, and Eileen's, but I was awed by the thought that I might be considered.
A woman took me aside at a meeting to assure me she had a vision of my winning the award. Two days later, another lovely lady said that she and a small group of Christians were claiming the Oscar for me. I was a little embarrassed, but began to imagine the possibility.
What a joy, to carry the banner of Christians in the theater into the very marketplace of the industry! I tried not to think about it, but couldn't keep my mind away from the possibility.
I was in Minneapolis when the nominations were
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announced. I spoke in a meeting that morning and then spent the afternoon in my comfortable suite at the hotel. I got a little nervous waiting to hear and wished I had a direct line to the California papers. Before they picked me up for the evening meeting. I had begun to wonder why no one had called. Nothing was said at the church, nothing at the reception after the meeting, but as I walked into my hotel room, my telephone was ringing!
I snatched it from its cradle and managed a hushed hello. My husband's voice greeted me. "You're my Academy Award winner, no matter what they say."
I hadn't won a nomination. I hadn't blazed a trail in the industry. No nominations — not for anyone in the film — nothing.
I felt like a fool. How stupid of me to have even dreamed of such a thing! Very briskly I undressed and went to bed. I read a little and then, neatly tidying up the ashes of my dream, I flipped off the light and said my evening prayer. Closing my eyes, I settled back comfortably for two and one-half seconds.
Then came the tears and the pain of realizing what I had lost. All those people looking at me. The lovely ladies who had claimed it for me. The beautiful people who worked so hard with me. I had failed them!
I finally got bored with misery as I usually do, and checked off a few facts. I was still alive. There would be breakfast in the morning, and when I last checked, the direct line to God had not been cut off. I had just started writing this book, and I remember saying to myself just before I dozed off, "Well, bad as
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it is, it's still worth a chapter!"
The next time I went to speak to a Christian group, I dreaded seeing the embarrassed disappointment in their faces. I was not sure I could deal with it. Now would come the hardest part of all: The encounter with the community I had failed.
When the club chairman came to greet me that day, she asked, "How are you this morning?"
I smiled with studied charm and simpered, "I'm fine, but I'd be a lot better if I had an Academy nomination."
Her face expressed deep concern. Perhaps she hadn't heard the news? Thank goodness I told her — she might have introduced me as a nominee!
I patted her hand. "I'm sorry about it."
She hugged me and said, "I'm sorry, too. What was it?"
What was it? You mean to tell me the Christian community had not been waiting with bated breath for the outcome of the nomination announcements? Could it possibly be that God did not feel those awards were essential to His plan for the arts? I couldn't keep from laughing. That lady will understand only if she reads this book. I had just learned that I had not been booked as a nominee, but as a winner in Christ!
I look forward to a time when Christian films, Christian theater, Christian television, will have an accepted and honored place in the media. That time has been brought closer by the film The Hiding Place and offerings of like craftsmanship. I thank God because an effect is being made by that film which will register
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throughout time and eternity.
I am delighted to be an actress, elbowing my way through a highly competitive profession. I would not be helped by condescending sheltering because I am a Christian. I want to learn my craft, compete with the best of them, and serve my Lord with the excellence He gives me the potential for exercising. I do not minimize the significance of recognition such as industry awards, but I lost a major one and can still run with joy because of a principle exemplified by a person. Elijah. Elijah, who was stopped by the depression of despair.
