Proper Introductions
The only gift is a portion of thyself.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Everything about the place says "end of the line." Yet, those thick, impenetrable walls of the seemingly inhospitable La Mesa Penitentiary in Tijuana, Mexico, house one solitary figure who never committed a murder, was never guilty of aggravated assault, burglarized no one's property, and at no time engaged in illegal trafficking of drugs.
Nonetheless, this person takes three meals a day with the men in the prison mess hall, sleeps in a cell, and is awakened each morning by the call of the penitentiary guard. Her name is Sister Antonia Brenner, a fifty-six-year-old California woman who insists, "This is not a job for me. It is my calling. The prison is my convent."
The inmates of La Mesa call her "The White Angel." Sister Antonia calls herself a "prisoner of love." If an inmate's mother or father is ill, Sister Antonia leaves the prison to pay a visit. When a prisoner's relatives die, Sister Antonia attends the funeral. When any of the one thousand semipermanent residents at La Mesa need a comb, a toothbrush, a lawyer, or just a friend, they know Sister Antonia is only a few cells away.
Much of what Sister Antonia does flies in the face of what
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is taught in conventional penology textbooks. She will affectionately pinch the cheeks of prisoners, hold their hands, and warmly hug them. Her attire obviously reminds everyone whom she is there to represent. As you might expect, some people consider Sister Antonia's unorthodox approaches to rehabilitation both naive and dangerous. But such criticism does little to deter this special "prisoner" from committing herself even more deeply to the lives of the inmates.
On one occasion when she was being criticized for her unconventional methods, Sister Antonia took out a white napkin. Drawing a black dot in the middle, she asked, "What do you see? You don't see the white of the napkin. All you see is the dot. With the men here, most outsiders see only that they are murderers or thieves. They don't see the rest of them. I do. Yes, I see the bad in people, but I also see the good."1
If you were to take a poll among the prisoners of La Mesa Penitentiary, asking them for their definition of a friend, you would get one overwhelming response — Sister Antonia! She is the living example of our last principle of building friendship.
| 10. Emphasize the strengths and virtues of others, not their sins and weaknesses. |
To illustrate this principle, here's a story a friend of mine told me recently. It seemed that Joe had just about had it with his wife of three years. He no longer thought of her as attractive or interesting; he considered her to be a poor housekeeper who was overweight, someone he no longer
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wanted to live with. Joe was so upset that he finally decided on divorce. But before he served her the papers, he made an appointment with a psychologist with the specific purpose of finding out how to make life as difficult as possible for his wife.
The psychologist listened to Joe's story and then gave this advice, "Well, Joe, I think I've got the perfect solution for you. Here's what I want you to do. Starting tonight when you get home, I want you to start treating your wife as if she were a goddess. That's right, a goddess. I want you to change your attitude toward her 180 degrees. Start doing everything in your power to please her. Listen intently to her when she talks about her problems, help around the house, take her out to dinner on weekends. I want you to literally pretend that she's a goddess. Then, after two months of this wonderful behavior, just pack your bags and leave her. That should get to her!"
Joe thought it was a tremendous idea. That night he started treating his wife as if she were a goddess. He couldn't wait to do things for her. He brought her breakfast in bed and had flowers delivered to her for no apparent reason. Within three weeks the two of them had gone on two romantic weekend vacations. They read books to each other at night, and Joe listened to her as never before. It was incredible what Joe was doing for his wife. He kept it up for the full two months. After the allotted time, the psychologist gave Joe a call at work.
"Joe," he asked, "how's it going? Did you file for divorce? Are you a happy bachelor once again?"
"Divorce?" asked Joe in dismay. "Are you kidding? I'm married to a goddess. I've never been happier in my life. I'd never leave my wife in a million years. In fact, I'm discovering
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new, wonderful things about her every single day. Divorce? Not on your life."
What made the difference? Joe ultimately discovered that a new relationship with his wife was not something that would somehow appear out of the blue. He learned it was something he had to do. It all began to come together when he changed his attitude, when he started emphasizing the strengths and virtues of his wife, not her sins and weaknesses. The amazing thing is that Joe had no idea this would happen. He thought he was going to "stick it to her." Instead, they once again fell madly in love.
The same principle applies to friendship. Look around you, and it won't be difficult to focus on the bad and the ugly in others. That doesn't take much talent. Now take another look. Do you see anything good about them and their personalities? If there are people without a smile, give them one of yours. If an acquaintance is negative and always walks around with a little gray cloud overhead, point out something positive about that person. Recognize him or her as someone important.
How to Take the First Step
In a short story by French author Antonio de Saint-Exupery, a man writes these words to his friend:
I am grateful to you for accepting me as you find me. What do I want with a friend who judges me? If I welcome a friend to a meal, I ask him to sit down; if he limps, I do not ask him to dance.My friend, I need you as one needs a height on which to breathe!2
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I hope you see how important it is for you and me to be that kind of friend.
Over the years of our marriage, Dorothy and I have tried to make sure our home always had an "open door" to neighbors and friends. We haven't preached or lectured to these good friends. In fact, most of the time we just carried on low-key discussions about children and grandchildren, ethics in business, our relationships with our spouses, and other subjects that are a constant concern to us all.
We called it "friendship evangelism"; we are genuinely interested in what is happening in the lives of our friends. These warm, positive times together underline the good and the positive in our neighbors and their families. Not surprisingly, these times together have made for an incredibly happy, fulfilled life for Dorothy, for me, and for our scores of friends. It's really true. You are allowed to keep only that which you consciously give away. Give away your friendship, and you will receive friendship in return. Give away your self, and your "better" self will return to you many times over. Accentuate the positive, share warmth and honest concern for those around you, and you'll be amazed at what happens. I recently heard a story of two different approaches by two literary groups at the University of Wisconsin. This story alone is proof enough of the power of focusing on the good in others.
Years ago there was a group of brilliant young men at the University of Wisconsin who seemed to have amazing creative literary talent. They were would-be poets, novelists, and essayists. They were extraordinary in their ability to put the English language to its best use. These promising young men met regularly to read and critique each other's work. And critique it they did!
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These men were merciless with one another. They dissected the most minute literary expression into a hundred pieces. They were heartless, tough, even mean in their criticism. The sessions became such arenas of literary criticism that the members of this exclusive club called themselves the "Stranglers."
Not to be outdone, the women of literary talent in the university determined to start a club of their own, one comparable to the Stranglers. They called themselves the "Wranglers." They, too, read their works to one another. But there was one great difference. The criticism was much softer, more positive, more encouraging. Sometimes there was almost no criticism at all. Every effort, even the most feeble one, was encouraged.
Twenty years later an alumnus of the university was doing an exhaustive study of his classmates' careers when he noticed a vast difference in the literary accomplishments of the Stranglers as opposed to the Wranglers. Of all the bright young men in the Stranglers, not one had made a significant literary accomplishment of any kind. From the Wranglers had come six or more successful writers, some of national renown such as Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings who wrote The Yearling.
Talent between the two? Probably the same. Level of education? Not much difference. But the Stranglers strangled, while the Wranglers were determined to give each other a lift. The Stranglers promoted an atmosphere of contention and self-doubt. The Wranglers highlighted the best, not the worst.
Are you a strangler or a wrangler? Are you one who helps to bring out the best in your friends, or do you focus on the weaknesses of those around you? We all need to be properly
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critiqued from time to time, but no one needs a steady diet of criticism. Not our children, not our spouses, not our pastors, not our bosses or our employees. That's why our tenth principle is so vital: Keep emphasizing the strengths and virtues of others, not their sins and weaknesses. This may be the most important ingredient of all in learning the fine art of friendship.
God is ready to give you some fantastic opportunities to touch the lives of men and women closest to you, starting right now. In fact, those opportunities are staring you in the face at this very moment. It's your turn to act.
There's no question about it. We each have within ourselves the God-given ability to be a friend. However, the more we concentrate on stressing the weaknesses and inabilities of others, on fulfilling our own desires, and on achieving our own private happiness, the more frustrated, unhappy, and depressed we will become. But it's a different story when we begin looking for ways — and I mean aggressively looking for ways — of discovering the good in our friends. Perhaps the story of fifty-year-old Sammy will explain what I mean.
Walter, a close friend, takes considerable pride in the fact that he works out at his local athletic club one hour every day. The minute he gets off work, he is in his car and on his way to the local fitness center to subject his body to all sorts of punishments: weights, stationary bicycle, hydrafitness machines — the works.
One day there was a new man working out at the center. Walter didn't talk to him, but he saw "Sammy" stenciled on his gray sweatshirt, so he figured that was his name. Sammy seemed to be slow and lethargic, and he was nowhere near the pace of Walter's workout. Walter went through his routine
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without giving Sammy any further thought.
An hour later Walter was heading for the sauna to relax his tired, overworked muscles. But he had to wait a moment at the door to the sauna because Sammy was having trouble with the handle. Sammy finally opened the door and went inside. Walter sat across from him.
Walter looked at his sweating companion, but all he got was a vacant stare encased in a masklike face. Sammy slowly brought the towel to his forehead to remove some perspiration and then dropped the towel to his side.
Walter, normally a sensitive person, grunted to himself that old Sammy really didn't have much going for him. On top of that, Sammy even smelled funny. Walter was so turned off by Sammy's presence that he stayed in the sauna only half his normal time. Walter left without saying anything, showered, and went home.
The next day, the same thing happened. Sammy was there again. He was just as slow, his expression was no less masklike, and he still smelled just as bad. This time, Walter said something he later wished he'd left unsaid. I'll try to recreate the conversation as Walter told it to me:
Walter: "What's your problem, old-timer?"Sammy: (silence coupled with long, vacant stare)
Walter: "I said, 'What's going on?' I mean you come to the center to work out and you hardly move your body."
Sammy: "I ... I'm sorry ... don't move so well anymore. The doctors are doing all they can to help, but not much hope. Yesterday, couldn't walk. Today, got a loud hum in my ears. Hurts."
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Walter: "Oh, I'm sorry. (more compassionately) What's the problem?"Sammy: "Parkinson's disease. Got tremors, especially in my fingers and hands. Not much feeling. It's rough. Too rare a disease to warrant much research money, I guess. So I just live with it. Sorry I've been a bother to you. Really sorry.
Walter: "I ... I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry for what I said. I hope you'll forgive me, Sammy."
Sammy: "Oh, it's OK. Lots of people feel that way about me. It's just that I can't move any faster. I'm lucky to be able to even walk into this place. Lucky I'm alive."
That is not where this story ends. Day after day Walter and Sammy would meet. The days turned into weeks, then months. The two of them got to know each other well and in the process became close friends.
Then one day, Sammy didn't appear at the gym. Walter didn't think much of it at first, but Sammy wasn't there the next day or the next. He called Sammy's home only to discover that Sammy had died in his sleep a few nights earlier. Walter was told that Sammy was finally out of his misery, but that in his final hours he had told his wife, "Be sure you say good-bye to Walter. He was one of the best friends I ever had." Walter sat in my office and told me how he cried himself to sleep that night. He said he vowed never again to focus on the weaknesses of another. Walter had discovered one of the key ingredients to the fine art of friendship: emphasize that which is good in a friend. Walter will never be the
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same as a result of that experience with Sammy. Neither will I. Perhaps, neither will you.
Deciding to Change
As I was putting the finishing touches on the preparation of this book, I came across a marvelous story about a scientific experiment carried out by French entomologist, Jean Henri Fabre. It's a story about processionary caterpillars — wormlike creatures that travel in long, undulating lines, at the same cadence, same pace, with virtually no thought given to their ultimate destination. They simply play "follow the leader."
For the purpose of the experiment, Fabre coaxed a group of these caterpillars onto the thin edge of a large flowerpot so that the leader of the group was nose to tail with the last caterpillar in the slow, deliberate, nonending procession. It was impossible to determine who was leading and who was following.
Out of sheer habit and instinct, the ring of caterpillars circled the flowerpot for seven days and seven nights, until they finally began to die one by one, victims of starvation and exhaustion. All the while, a large supply of the food they liked best was close at hand, and plainly visible, but it was slightly out of range of the path so carefully trod on the top of the flowerpot. What a message for you and me!
That kind of thing can happen — and often does — when any person, group, philosophy, or idea is followed blindly. That is how habits become entrenched. It can happen as easily with people as it does with caterpillars. If your pattern of life has been to not reach out in friendship to others, let me warn you: It's tough to change. It takes courage and
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perhaps even the swallowing of some pride to step out and make a decision, to determine to embark on an exciting new course of being a friend. Still, I'm going to issue you this challenge.
If you relish being a private person, one who has refrained from making friends, I am going to ask you to step out of the line, so to speak, of your habit of isolation, get off the rim of the flowerpot — a rim that takes you nowhere — and decide to make friends.
Start today to
If you want to start living, if you want to discover the meaning of a rich, abundant, happy, successful life filled
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with friendships nurtured to last a lifetime, take these vital principles to heart and start making them work for you today. You'll find amazing things will happen when you take the initiative to give those around you the gift of yourself, when you make the conscious, loving effort to step out and learn the fine art of friendship.
