Recognizing Individuality
Man is more interesting than men.
God made him and not them in His image.
Each one is more precious than all.
— André Gide
In Rodgers and Hammerstein's delightful musical The King and I, Anna, the English schoolteacher, arrives at the palace of the king of Siam. Her job is to tutor the king's many children — an assignment that is at best difficult, at worst almost impossible. Everything for Anna is difficult: the Siamese culture, the time-worn traditions, and the inferior role of women. She also has to deal with a most uncooperative king.
Before long, however, Anna and the king's children develop friendship and mutual admiration that could well be models for anyone who ever plans to work in a foreign land. Misunderstandings are quietly reduced to a minimum. The children, isolated in their palace fairyland, slowly learn of the big world outside.
Then one day Anna gathers her young charges around her and expresses her growing affection to the children in song.
Getting to know you, getting to feel free and easy,Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me.
Haven't you noticed, suddenly I'm bright and breezy
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you day by day.1
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Anna made a tremendous discovery. She found that the more she got to know the children, the more she was able to see them as wonderful, beautiful human beings. Every day she learned something new and and special about them, and the fresh discoveries made her glad to be alive. She quickly realized it would take time to learn all she still had to know.
Enter the king. To him, everything about Anna was strange. Why did she make such outrageous demands of him, such as wanting her own house outside the palace? Why did Anna not realize her head was never to be raised higher than the king's? In fact the monarch had so many problems with Anna that after awhile instead of listing his grievances, he would simply grumble: "Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera." To him, Anna was the definition of a "puzzlement"!
Enter you and I. Whether we travel to distant, unfamiliar places to work or play, or whether we stay at home, there is much about our relationships that is little short of a puzzlement.
Celebrate Our Differences
Just as no two snowflakes or fingerprints are alike, so are we all different in size, shape, color, temperament, interests, convictions, and lifestyle. We are different in every conceivable aspect. Yet, in spite of these contrasts, we still permit differences to remain insurmountable barriers to what could be wonderful friendships. We hold opposing political views that compel us to shout at one another. We are suddenly hurt, offended, or misunderstood by someone, perhaps even by a friend, and before we know it, we hesitate to trust again.
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Many years ago I had great difficulty in accepting people who for whatever reason had gone through the pain of divorce. I was able to marshal any number of reasons why the breakup of a marriage was a disqualifier for a deepening friendship.
As I look back, I see I was rigid, not righteous. I was more concerned with the letter of the law than I was with loving the divorced people so desperately in need of friends. Such a posture prevented my becoming the friend I sincerely wanted to be.
One day, I realized I was the one who was losing out. What I needed to do was not to stop hating divorce but to start loving divorced individuals. I was the one who needed to break free, to begin accepting and loving and forgiving.
While I continue to this day to hold marriage to be an inviolate, sacred trust, I realize I lived my life with a clouded vision of what Paul meant when he said, "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Eph 4:21-32).
The breakthrough for me came when I started to make even the smallest effort to get to know and love people who had experienced the pain of divorce. (Remember, friendship principle number two talked about developing an authentic interest in others.) I can still remember the time and the place when I got on my knees to ask God for grace and wisdom, not to promote the tragedy of divorce, but to pursue the joy of friendship. What is the principle involved here?
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| 3. Each of us is a one-of-a-kind creation. Therefore, it will always take time — often a long time — to understand one another. |
This story helps me understand some of that.
After the death of their religious leader, a large group of his most faithful disciples came together and talked about the things their great mentor had taught them. When it was Rabbi Schneur Zalman's turn, he asked them: "Do you know why your master went to the pond every day at dawn and stayed there for a little while before coming home again?" They did not know why. Rabbi Zalman continued: "He was learning the song with which the frogs praise God. It takes a very long time to learn that song."2
You and I must learn it takes a long time to learn the special song that comes from the heart of a friend. When the music finally begins, that friendship will become a symphony of delight, but it will always take time — and often longer than we would like.
During the period after Bob Pierce's departure as president of World Vision, I was often approached to assume the leadership of the organization. But I knew it would not be right. While Bob Pierce and I had begun to mend our differences, I felt it would have been an awkward position for me to fill. I determined never to seek the presidency of World Vision.
I knew a man I considered to be just the right person for the job. He was well known in the world of Christian leadership, he had exceptional communication skills, and he
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was committed to the kind of ministry World Vision was doing around the globe. His name was W. Stanley Mooneyham. He came to my office, and we talked.
I told him I thought he would make a strong president, and he proved me right. It was the beginning of one of the most satisfying friendships I've ever had. For the next dozen years, Stan and I made a mutual commitment to get to know one another.
For Stan, the first year was one of learning the ropes, but he was a fast learner. After those first twelve months, he was off and running. Since both of us spent more than half our time away from each other in travel and meetings, we made it a point to spend uninterrupted time together when we were in the office. There, we had an open door policy. We promised each other neither of us would ever be too busy to talk. There was absolute freedom between us to discuss anything.
In the good years that followed, we attended international conferences together, we participated in seminars both at home and abroad, we had breakfasts and lunches together, and we even became neighbors. People who knew us both well often remarked, "But you two are so totally different!" And it's true. Our styles of leadership were and are different, but we always assumed those differences would be our greatest strengths.
We also predetermined not to let those differences get in the way of our friendship. We recognized our individuality and made a strong effort to take whatever time was necessary to get to know one another. I'm convinced the success of our long personal and professional relationship has been due in large measure to just that. We accepted the fact we were different, and we determined to celebrate it. Stan and I
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didn't just become friends. We worked at our friendship over time. Our friendship was intentional. Those same "intentional" relationships can also work for you.
It's a time-worn cliche but as true today as the day it was first spoken: If you would have friends, you'd best be friendly. But, you say, "I'm shy, retiring; I don't meet people easily. It's just not possible for me to be a friend. I was born an introvert and am most likely to stay that way."
I'm not suggesting you attempt to alter your personality or to pretend to be what you are not. One solution might be to start by being a friend to other introverts. Even better, I'd be willing to bet you have within you an untapped source of "friend-making ability" that if nurtured and encouraged could literally change your life. It all starts by recognizing the principle that it really does take time to understand one another.
The powerful, provocative thinker and writer, Elie Wiesel, in Souls on Fire, makes a powerful statement that may be just the tonic for you. He reflects that when we die and go to meet our Maker, we're not going to be asked why we didn't become a messiah or find a cure for cancer. Instead we will be asked, Why didn't you become you? What a great question. "Becoming you" includes both the joy and the privilege of learning to recognize the marvelous differences that exist in those around you.
Will it take time? Yes, it will. Will it require work? Absolutely. Who is responsible if it doesn't happen? Jack Parr once said something that answers that. He quipped, "My life seems like one long obstacle course, with me as the chief obstacle." Isn't that generally true of us all? Could it be you are standing in the way of your own good progress when it comes to taking the time to work at understanding the people
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who surround you? If that is true, wouldn't this be a good time to do something about it, and reach out to someone as a friend?
No Pain, No Gain
I'm convinced one of the major obstacles to accepting the differences in our friends and acquaintances is that we're afraid to make even the tiniest mistake in interpersonal relationships. No one wants to make a fool out of himself or herself; that goes without saying. Somehow we often feel our humanity will be all too glaring if we make the slightest faux pax, as if people didn't already know we were human.
It's no disgrace to make a mistake. The real tragedy comes in working so hard at being perfect that you never let the world around you know who you really are. If you never let people get to know you — and if you never take the time to truly get to know them — you'll never understand those whom you want as friends. It will take time to develop mutual trust and understanding. Anything worth attaining, especially friendships, will always take time. But nothing significant is likely to happen until you take that first tentative step. You'll be surprised how the other steps fall right in line. The best news of all is that most of this can take place in your own back yard.
Some stories have such a ring of truth and say it so beautifully and so well that they live forever in our memories. One such story is called "Acres of Diamonds." No one knows exactly where the story was first told or who told it. It may not even be true, but its actual history is incidental to the truth of the tale.
We do know, however, who made the story famous.
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Dr. Russell Herman Conwell (1843-1925) covered the length and breadth of the United States, telling and retelling this amazing story. It's been said he told it more than six thousand times and attracted the attention of literally millions of people. The money he raised from his lectures — totaling some $6 million — was used to found Temple University in Philadelphia, thus bringing to reality his dream of building a first-class university for poor but deserving young people who would otherwise be unable to attend college.
The story is about a farmer in Africa during the years when the first diamonds were being discovered there. The promise of great wealth intrigued the farmer, and one day he could no longer restrain his insatiable desire for wealth. He sold his farm and set off in search of the diamonds that would make him a wealthy, happy man.
His search was long and painful. He wandered throughout the African continent but all to no avail. He found no diamonds. Finally, penniless, unwell, and utterly discouraged, he took his life by throwing himself in a raging river.
Some time before this, however, the man who bought the farmer's land found a large, strange-looking stone in the small creek that ran across his farm. He placed it on his mantel as a curio.
Later, a visitor came to the farmer's home. Seeing the unusual stone over the fireplace, he turned to the new owner of the farm and informed him that he had found one of the largest diamonds ever known to man. Further investigation revealed the entire farm was literally covered with similar magnificent stones. In fact, this farm sold by the first farmer so that he could travel the continent in search of great wealth turned out to be one of the richest, most productive diamond mines in the world.
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After telling this story, Dr. Conwell would then make the point that had already become obvious. The first farmer owned literally millions of diamonds, and they were in his own back yard. He simply had not taken the time to investigate what he had.
I believe it's often the same way with friendships. First, it's going to take time to discover where the diamonds of friendship really are. Initially, they may not look like diamonds at all. In fact, they may appear to be anything but diamonds. (Remember my negative attitude toward my friend Don Odle mentioned in chapter 1.) But stay with them. Nurture them. Give of yourself to them.
Second, it will take time to develop those relationships into friendships that have the stuff to last a lifetime. It will not happen overnight. It's much like a long-term investment. You don't even get ten years of interest for one month's deposit. It's not that way in business or friendship.
What about the diamonds of friendship scattered about in your back yard? Are you walking over untold riches every day because you haven't made the effort to see what is really there? If that is true, slow down, take a good look, invest the time necessary to get to know those you say you care about.
Where do you start? A good place is right in your own home, at the office, in your church. Scores of people all around you are crying out for someone to be their friend. Visit an elderly shut-in down the block, spend some time with a prisoner, or talk an hour or two with a youngster who's struggling with the loneliness and sadness of parents who have divorced. In the process, you won't so much find happiness; on the contrary, you will discover that happiness has found you!
The writer Catherine Marshall tells of a husband and
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wife who moved to a new area where they knew no one. They had no friends, no relatives. As a result, they became increasingly irritable and unhappy with each other. Nothing seemed to be going right.
Then one day the couple befriended a waitress who apologized to them for slow service. She too was new in town and very unhappy. They invited her to their home after work. Before long, other people were asked to join in the visits, which grew into a project called "Adventures in Caring." As Catherine Marshall notes, "This couple soon became so concerned with the needs of others that their lives were enriched beyond anything I can describe. Happiness found them."3
Has happiness found you yet? Have you begun to double your possibilities for joy by extending your hand, your heart of friendship? You can, and you can start right now. Don't be discouraged when it takes your energies, patience, and time. Friendships to last a lifetime will require long hours, days, and months of kindness, nurturing, listening, and compassion. The payoff is tremendous, and part of that great joy of a long-term friendship is the constant discovery of the many mysteries that reside in the heart of your friend.
Isn't there someone close by who needs your friendship? Are you willing to make the effort and take the time to make it happen? I hope so. It's an absolutely vital principle to remember and put into practice when it comes to being a friend.
