Look for the Unlikely
A great many people think they are
thinking when they are really rearranging
their prejudices and superstitions.
— Edward R. Murrow
It was 7:00 A.M., May 1979. Pat Moore, who looked like she must be eighty-five years old, opened the door of her New York apartment and stepped nervously into the hall. Ready to embark on one of the strangest trips of her life, she put her cane out in front of her and hesitantly felt for the first step on the stairs. The only thoughts in her mind were, Can I do it? Can I make this work?
Her legs moved gingerly, awkwardly. One step...two, three... all the way to the twelfth step. So far so good. When she arrived at the bottom of the stairs, she saw her landlady who exclaimed, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was expecting somebody else."
"Don't you recognize me?" said Pat, her voice strained and cracked.
"No, ma'am, I don't," said the landlady, staring at the frail woman.
"I'm Pat Moore," she said, laughing. As she saw her landlady's mouth widen in disbelief, Pat knew in that flash of a moment she passed the test.
You see, Pat Moore was not eighty-five years old at all. Not even close. She was an attractive twenty-six-year-old
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specialist in industrial design, with a deep concern for how we are responding to the practical needs of the aged in our society.
For at least once each week for the next three years, "eighty-five-year-old" Pat put on her masquerade of facial latex foam, a heavy fabric that bound her body, and a convincing gray wig. She visited fourteen states as an old woman. She met hundreds of people who never once discovered her true identity.
One of the first suspicions she settled was her initial feeling that older people are ignored simple because they are old. Pat Moore's story of being old is absolutely one of the most fascinating accounts of personal identity I've ever read.1
Remember the old saying that we never really know the needs of another until we've walked a mile in his or her moccasins? That is precisely what Pat Moore did for thirty-six months. She developed such a sensitivity for the aged in our midst that she actually started to "feel" old. Her experiment was the consummate definition of complete identification with others.
Pat's successful attempt to get in touch with the needs of the aged is a living example of the sixth vital principle in learning and living the fine art of friendship.
| 6. Always treat others as equals. |
This principle obviously does not apply only to the aged. There also needs to be a greater sense of mutual respect among the races, the sexes, our competitors, and our bosses
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or employees. To neglect this principle is to be ignorant of what others have to offer our own tired spirits. In discussing equality, I'm not saying all people will have the same gifts, abilities, I.Q.'s talents, or views of life. They won't, and that is what makes friendship so exciting. But would we not live wiser, happier, and more fulfilled lives if we enjoyed each other for what the other person is? Young or old, black or white, rich or poor, adult or child? Treating others as equals is a keystone in learning how to be a friend.
As I talked with my senior editor at Thomas Nelson Publishers, Peter Gillquist, about the content, style, and direction of this book, he said, "I hope you'll tell stories about in-depth friendships the reader will long remember." I asked Peter for an example. Always the eager raconteur, Peter told me this moving story about his relationship with "Mr. Fred." It was such a beautiful account of a friendship that I've asked his permission to tell it here.
Mr. Fred had been brought up in Arkansas by his maternal grandparents, but as a young man he migrated to Texas and worked in a sawmill. Fred wasn't his real name. He adopted the alias after he had murdered a man in Texas in a barroom brawl. "The marshal told me to clear out of the state in twenty-four hours or face the death penalty," said Fred. So he fled the state of Texas and went to Grand Junction, Tennessee, with a young Mexican wife who left him a short time after they arrived. It seems nothing was easy about Mr. Fred's life.
Fred was jailed six or seven times after coming to Grand Junction, each time for his bootlegging activities. The townspeople said Fred's vocabulary was so foul that women with small children would cross the street and walk on the other side when they saw him coming toward them.
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Until Fred's children reached their early teen years, they lived with him and their mother in a one-room house trailer that had no electricity or heat. Then they all left Mr. Fred to live by himself. That was when Peter met him.
Fred became a Christian because he was afraid of dying and going to hell. Having a purpose in life or being happy didn't interest him in the least. He just wanted out of hell and into heaven. The murder was his most awesome grief. Still, by the grace of God, he was able to join the likes of Moses and Paul on the celestial roll.
During the later years of Mr. Fred's life, his only family consisted of Peter, his wife, Marilyn, and their children. They fixed up an old storage house on some land they owned, laid a floor in it, insulated the walls and ceiling, put on a new roof, wired it for electricity, and put in a stove, refrigerator, electric heater, and fan. They would often have their friend over to the house for dinner, or they would take him a meal. Mr. Fred's stories about his childhood were endless and absolutely unforgettable.
It was late in November the year Peter took Mr. Fred to the hospital. He was seventy-nine. The last time they were together, Peter read him Revelation 21, all about the beautiful city of God. "I could listen to that all night," Mr. Fred whispered with a faint smile. Before the final good-byes were said, they clasped hands and prayed together. Peter knew he would never see Mr. Fred again this side of glory.
Then Peter told me, "Sometimes we'd just sit in our own rocking chairs by his stove for long stretches at a time and not say a word. When a friendship in Christ is established, it is on a level and depth beyond dependence upon mere words. It was because we did not have to talk to sustain our friendship that he was perhaps the easiest man I have
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known to be with. He became to me as a brother, nearly five decades removed."
Why do I tell his story? Because I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there is "Mr. or Mrs. Fred" just waiting for you to be his or her friend. You'll never know until you get out there and try. Whether you "network" with a Mr. Fred or with a congregation or business client, treating others as equals should rate high on your list of priorities.
In his landmark book Megatrends author John Naisbitt gives us a primer for how we as human beings might best respond to the sophisticated technologies that will continue to assault us for the rest of the eighties. The book focuses on ten new directions that are already transforming our lives. I was especially fascinated by his chapter entitled "From Hierarchies to Networking," because his comments suggest a powerful relationship between this business trend to what is now becoming a new equality in friendships in the marketplace.
Naisbitt writes,The failure of hierarchies to solve society's problems forced people to talk to one another — and that was the beginning of networks... In a sense, we clustered together among the ruins of the tumbled-down pyramid to discuss what to do. We began talking to each other outside the hierarchical structure, although much of our previous communication had been channeled inside.
As friends, as individuals, as members of small groups or large organizations, we exchanged resources, contacts, and information with the speed of a telephone call or a jet airplane ride, with the high touch of our own voices set against the din of a world swarming with too much data and too much knowledge.2
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What Naisbitt and other "futurists" are telling us loudly and clearly is that we will all be working more closely with each other in the future than ever before. The strictly enforced pecking order is slowly becoming a thing of the past. While absolute equality will never exist, we must realize it is to our physical, social, and emotional benefit to truly regard and treat those around us as equals. Because just as the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, so are the thoughts, concerns, and well-conceived plans of an unthreatened few better than the isolated work of one.
This new arrangement will, I believe, also create the atmosphere for a rich harvest of new friends. Are all your friends just like you? Or have you opened your heart and mind to those who talk, think, and even act differently? Meet them. Get to know them and their families. Then be prepared to be surprised by the joy of fresh, new friendships.
My Friend the Buddhist
He was once a commandant in the South Vietnamese marine corps. Later he was appointed chief of staff, and finally he assumed the post of governor of the province of Saigon. His name is Khang Lee.
Khang and his beautiful wife, Thu, had been good friends to me and to World Vision during the terrible war days in Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. This beautiful couple had a special appreciation for what we were trying to do to help alleviate the tremendous suffering of the Vietnamese people. As a result, they did everything they could to help us do our work effectively in that land. Khang was a devout Buddhist, but that did not prevent him and his wife
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from opening their home and their hearts to me over and over again.
It was finally clear that the South would not win the war. After seeing that hundreds of others were placed on airplanes or had secured other means of escape from Saigon, my friend Khang Lee boarded the very last helicopter on the roof of the American Embassy in Saigon. It was a sad, bitter farewell. To add to the pain, Khang had become separated from his wife, and he had no idea where she was.
However, we had a prearranged plan. If the two of them were in fact separated, they were both to contact me in the United States. We then lost contact. But one day I received a call. Khang had arrived in Camp Pendleton in California. He was safe, but he had no idea where his wife was. I said I was waiting for her call. Several days later she called me. She had been sent to a camp in Arkansas. To make a long story short, the two were reunited and World Vision sponsored them and helped them make adjustments to their new lives in the United States.
One day I was helping Khang buy a car when he turned to me and said, "Mr. Ted, I want to become a Christian. But I don't want to do it just because you helped me. I will do it because I want Jesus to be in my life." While still in Vietnam, he had obtained a copy of a Christian book of biblical promises which had had an incredible impact on his life.
I couldn't hold back the tears. Even though it is not in his culture for a man to cry, he too got a bit misty. It was an incredible moment of friendship, and one neither of us will ever forget.
Some weeks later we got together after the evening church service at Lake Avenue Church in Pasadena. I had been thinking of Khang almost daily, and I'm convinced the
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Holy Spirit was preparing both his heart and mine for what was about to happen.
As we sat in our home I said, "Khang, is it not time to consider inviting Jesus into your heart?" A smile crossed his face, his eyes flashed, and he said, "I'm so glad you said that. I am ready. Can I give my heart to Jesus right now?" I tell you, this big Swede and his slightly built Vietnamese friend hugged and prayed and gave thanks to God for His great mercy and love. The angels in heaven simply had to be singing in extra volume at that very moment as one more precious soul entered the kingdom.
Dorothy and I continue to see Khang and Thu. Their children have graduated from UCLA with honors, and they too have become committed followers of Jesus. I saw Khang just the other day, and he said, "I have such a purpose for living now, more than ever before. I hope you will always know I'm glad we are friends. I pray we may be friends forever."
We will!
Khang and I started out with seemingly nothing in common. He was a Vietnamese officer; I was with World Vision. He was Buddhist, and I was Christian. Our homes were thousands of miles apart. We spoke different languages, ate different foods, and espoused different world views. Nevertheless our mutual respect and willingness to accept each other as equals made all the different. It provided the framework for us to become friends.
Five Guidelines for Treating Others as Equals
The famed doctor and humanitarian, Dr. Albert Schweitzer, was right when he said, "We are all so much together,
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but we are all dying of loneliness." Much of the reason for this is that too often we refuse to associate with other people in our community, our offices, even our churches. More often than not it takes a community disaster — a fire, a terrible accident, a flood, a violent snowstorm — for us to meet our neighbors.
With a minimum amount of effort, beginning right now, you and I can do something significant to enrich our own lives and the lives of others by making the conscious choice to reach out and treat others as equals.
1. Recognize that the more you give away, the more you will receive. It's a law of the universe, God's law. It's impossible to give your love away without its coming back to you ten, twenty, or even one hundred times over. I could write every single thing I know about the fine art of friendship, and when I'm through, I still have every idea, every insight, every thought I've given to you. When you improvise on what I've said, and when you put it through your own grid and give it back to me, then I become the richer for it.
Exercise: Beginning today, share yourself with a wonderful, new cross section of people. They are everywhere — school, next door, the beauty salon, the library, the office — and they are all potential friends. Your love and caring will be returned to you in ways you never imagined.
2. Let people know your differences so they can see who you really are. Just as no two snowflakes are alike, so no two people will ever be the same. Where did we ever get the wild idea that we have to be photocopies of each other to enjoy each other? If anything, that sort of relationship appears to be designed for boredom. When was the last time you made it a point to talk to someone you knew had a radically different point of view from yours? Were you able to listen? Really listen?
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Exercise: Celebrate who you are, and thank a loving God who made you different from everyone else. Then look for ways to share that incredible uniqueness with others whether or not they are like you. It could change your life.
3. Labels are killers. Leo Buscaglia calls labels, "distancing phenomena." What is a lower economic family anyway? What is a black man? A white man? What is a Jew, socialist, a Republican, an evangelical? I've never known two individuals identified in these ways who were exactly alike. Have you? These words are labels — nonthinking tags we slap on people we often feel have nothing to say to us. Unless we change our approach to persons right now we're going to lose out. Someone has wisely reminded us we didn't all come over in the same ship, but we're all in the same boat. It's true. Our similarities far surpass our differences.
Exercise: Every time you use a label as short cut language to talk down another human being, stop and think. Remember that labels are killers, and when you use them, you are damaging your opportunities for friendship.
4. Refuse to merely exist. Live creatively. If we only knew how great is our potential, if we only knew we settle for so little, we would be absolutely miserable. Let's live life to the fullest. None of us is on this earth for very long. In fact it's a very short trip! So let's make today count! In so doing, let us leave a legacy of friendship that will be passed on to other generations. See the sun around you and within you, and then help make that same sun in others.
Exercise: Set aside a minimum of five minutes each day as your own personal friendship time. Talk to someone you've never talked to before. Be an encouragement. Never let a day go by without paying someone a compliment. Treat the waiter who refills your coffee cup as an equal. Say thank you
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for every act of kindness, no matter how small. An "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" will gladden the heart of everyone you come in contact with. These not-so-little acts of kindness will not only bring a spark of hope to the one who receives your warmth but will also remind you how much you need to be grateful for all those around you.
5. Reactivate your childlike heart. Jesus rebuked His disciples on one occasion because they didn't quite understand how much He loved children. He reminded them — and us — that heaven itself is made up of those who never lose their childlike spontaneity, their childlike heart that remains vulnerable, impressionable, and open to life. Unfortunately, if we're not careful, as we get older we get a hardening of the childlike arteries. We sometimes don't laugh as easily as we once did, and we get painfully serious. I guess we forget it's a lot more work to tense our muscles than to keep them relaxed. The truly great man or woman does not lose the spirit of the child's heart. If we can somehow recapture the freshness of that childlike spirit, we will find ourselves free to explore the most wonderful relationships, regardless of race, economic status, or creed.
Exercise: Consider inviting several people from a variety of ethnic backgrounds to your home. Ask each to sing, dance, play musical instruments, or recite stories and poems from "the old country." Expand your horizons. Get out of the rut of spending time only with familiar people. You might discover some more wonderful diamonds of friendships... right in your own back yard. Who knows what riches may await you!
Some stories are so good they bear repeating. Earl Nightingale tells one such tale in his marvelous audiocasette series, Insight. It's the story of a young man who chose to go
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the extra mile, only to discover that one single act of kindness changed his whole life.
On a stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. The man helped his wife to a chair, then went to the desk. "All the big hotels in town are filled. Could you please give us a room here?"The clerk explained that there were three conventions in town and no rooms to be had anywhere. "All our rooms are filled, too," he said. "Still, I can't send a nice couple like you out into the rain at one o'clock in the morning. Would you, perhaps, be willing to sleep in my room?"
The man replied that they couldn't put the clerk out of his own room, but the clerk insisted. "Don't worry about me. I'll make out just fine."
Next morning, as he paid his bill, the elderly man said to the clerk, "You're the kind of person who should be the boss of the best hotel in the country. Maybe, someday, I'll build one for you."
The clerk looked at the man and his wife and smiled. The three of them had a good laugh over the man's joke. Then the clerk helped them with their bags to the street.
Two years passed, and the clerk had forgotten the incident when he received a letter from the elderly man. It recalled the night of the storm, and enclosed was a round-trip ticket to New York.
When the clerk reached New York, the man led him to the corner of Fifth Avenue and 34th Street and pointed to a great, new building there, a palace of reddish stone with turrets and watchtowers, like a fairyland castle thrusting up into the sky.
"That," said the other man, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage."
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"You must be joking," the young man said, not quite knowing whether or not to believe his host."I most assuredly am not joking," the older man said with a sly smile.
"Just who are you?"
"My name is William Waldorf Astor. We are naming the hotel the Waldorf-Astoria, and you are to be its first manager."
The young man's name was George C. Boldt. And that's the story of how he went from a small, nondescript hotel in Philadelphia to become manager of what was then one of the finest hotels in the world.3
Astor knew that Boldt's kindness had no thought of gain and thus came about a friendship that crossed all status and economic lines. The clerk — surely with only a modest income — chose to help a man who was a total stranger because the man had a real need. Little did he know he was giving his bedroom to one of the wealthiest men in the country. He could just as easily have been one more stranded businessman in Philadelphia that cold, stormy night.
Conversely, that seed of friendship, once planted, came back to the clerk in the form of great position and greater financial prosperity. I tell that story for one reason alone.
Whether the angels we attend are poor, wealthy, middle income, white, black, yellow, or brown, all that is required of us is that we extend a word or a deed of friendship. If we do it for personal gain, we will have already received our reward and that will be the end of it. But if we reach out unselfishly in compassion to those all around us, our hearts will be blessed forever.
It's the kind of thing that can and will happen to you when you begin to believe and embrace the principle of
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treating others as equals. You'll never know what angels you are attending until you begin to move beyond yourself. You'll discover it's a wonderful way to live.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if a very special person is in your world just waiting for you to be his or her friend, and he or she may be much closer than you imagine. I think Yogi Berra of the Yankees organization said it best: "You can see a lot by just watching." After you've watched and taken the time to observe those around you who need a friend, then move to the next step. Act! Pay no attention to the world's foolish and manmade barriers. Step out in confidence among all those equals and be a friend.
