Making Others Number One
Give what you have. To some it may be
better than you dare to think.
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
William Blake, the great eighteenth-century English poet, once wrote about the sensitive, vulnerable butterfly. If we grab at it as it sits on our shoulder and think solely of our own selfish interests to possess it, we snuff out its tiny, fragile life. On the other hand, when we relax, enjoy its brief company, and allow it to be its own important self, it lives and flourishes. Here are Blake's words:
He who binds to himself a joyDoes the winged life destroy,
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise
Blake's poetic sentiments remind me of what Martin Marty, theologian, writer, and critic, wrote in his book simply called Friendship, in which he says friendship, much like happiness, presents itself most readily when we don't seek it. Marty says, "There is no reason to make the search for friendship sound like an animal instinct. Friendship does not always come as a result of a search; it can come when we least look for it, just as it denies itself when we pursue it too earnestly and with pathetic eagerness.1
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Friendship, then, can be just like the butterfly that lands on our shoulder. When it presents itself to us, we can seize it, smother it, and eventually kill it, or we can treat it with dignity, courtesy, and unfailing respect. That is why this eighth principle of the art of friendship is so important.
| 8. Make your friends Number One, preferring them above yourself. |
You may be saying, "Hold on a minute. That is not usually what is written on that subject these days. We are being told over and over again to 'look out for Number One,' to take care of ourselves and our own self-interests — at any cost! We're reminded it's a jungle out there, where only the fittest survive and the winner takes all."
How do we reconcile these two strains of thought? Of course we need to take care of ourself. I brush my own teeth, of course, put on my own socks, and tie my own shoelaces. Those are my responsibilities to myself. Yes, we do need to be our own best friend. In fact, until we're a true friend to ourselves we're not going to possess a great deal of self-worth, nor will we enjoy much of a relationships with others. (To say nothing of how little they are going to enjoy us.)
Of all the books and articles I've read on the critical subject of self-esteem, psychologist Dr. Neil C. Warren in his tremendously helpful book, Make Anger Your Ally, says it best. In a chapter entitled "And a Close Friendship with Yourself," he writes:
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No friendship you have is as crucial to your self-esteem as that friendship you maintain with yourself. In fact, all your other friendships combined are not as important to the way you feel about yourself as your internal friendship with you is.In support of this radical statement, consider the thousands of messages you send every day to your own self-assessment center. The content of these messages undoubtedly determines the way you evaluate your worth. And the evaluation you make of your worth invariably sets your self-esteem level.
After suggesting we list what we like about ourselves as part of an objective personal survey, Dr. Warren concludes,
But in the final analysis your appreciation of yourself will not depend on the length of your list of positive attributes. Rather, it will be due to your having been created unique and loveable. The fact is, that no one in history can replace you. And the clear word from the Bible is that you are enormously worthy solely on the basis of the magnificence of the created you."2
I'm glad my friend Dr. Warren wrote those words because they put the issue of "friendship with ourselves" in proper perspective. Once having established a friendship with ourselves, we can then, and then only, promote the good in others, look for ways to be genuinely complimentary, and be willing to take a back seat. After all, sitting in the back seat still gets us to our destination.
When you find yourself more concerned with giving friendship than in simply receiving it, you will discover you are in a most enviable position: You will be one who has tapped one of the richest mines of human relationships. You
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will have discovered the fine art of friendship.
Don't be like the man who said to the old potbelly stove, "Come on, give me some warmth and then I'll add the wood." It doesn't work that way for stoves or people or friendship.
One of the most moving books I've ever read is called Letters to an Unborn Child, written by David Ireland who, as he writes, is dying from a crippling neurological disease. David writes these letters to the unborn child still in the womb of his wife — a child he may never see. He will be unable to take his child to either ball games or ballet lessons. There will be no romps in the park, no stories read on daddy's knee. Still, he wants that child to know that dead or alive, "daddy loves his little boy or girl." Few stories express the selflessness of a woman for her husband, her lover, and her friend. Here are some of David Ireland's thoughts.
Your mother is very special. Few men know what it's like to receive appreciation for taking their wives out to dinner when it entails what it does for us. It means that she has to dress me, shave me, brush my teeth, comb my hair; wheel me out of the house and down the steps, open the garage and put me in the car, take the pedals off the chair, stand me up, sit me in the seat of the car, twist me around so that I'm comfortable, fold the wheelchair, put it in the car, go around to the other side of the car, start it up, back it out, get out of the car, pull the garage door down, get back into the car, and drive off to the restaurant. And then, it starts all over again: she gets out of the car, unfolds the wheelchair, opens the door, spins me around, stands me up, seats me in the wheelchair, pushes the pedals out, closes and locks the car, wheels me into the restaurant, then takes the pedals off the wheelchair so I won't be uncomfortable. We sit down to have dinner, and she feeds me throughout the entire meal. And
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when it's over she pays the bill, pushes the wheelchair out to the car again, and reverses the same routine. And when it's over — finished — with real warmth she'll say, "Honey, thank you for taking me out to dinner." I never quite know what to answer.3
What an account of tough love, energy, caring, and friendship! David's wife, Joyce, has to be the epitome of what it means to be willing to be Number Two, Three, Four, or whatever for the sake of her husband. I think it's good for us to hear about people like David and Joyce once in a while. It does something to us at our very core. And that is good! But how do you and I go about being Number Two and liking it?
My colleague, Ed Dayton, and I spend a large portion of our time giving time management seminars to pastors, teachers, leaders, and laypersons throughout the country. Because of our high profile in this subject and because we are so-called "experts," we are always being asked for our opinions, comments, and special insights.
After one exhausting session, I met privately for dinner with a small group of men who had been in the all-day conference. Because I had been the speaker all day, I had more or less assumed they wanted more "wisdom" from their leader.
Wrong! But it took me twenty minutes to realize it. I had continued to hold forth during the early part of dinner, taking the initiative, exercising leadership, motivating these fine men to do greater, more wonderful things, only to discover that was not what they wanted at this meal. Finally, one man said, "Ted, I think we have all had just about all the time management we can handle in one day. We just
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wanted to get together for fellowship." Don't make the mistakes I made.
1. Catch the drift of the conversation before you assume people have assembled to hear what you have to say. Consider the overwhelming words of 1 Corinthians 13. In the J.B. Phillips rendering of one of those powerful verses, we read, "Love has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage." For the time being let's substitute the words a friend for love. Now it reads, "A friend has good manners and does not pursue selfish advantage." Wouldn't you agree?
I saw a sign on a colleague's wall recently that said: "Too many people operate on the assumption you don't need road manners if you're fifteen-ton truck." Psychologically, if you must always draw attention to yourself, you have a problem. If you must receive all the praise and credit and are immobilized when you are not leading each and every conversation, then you don't know the first thing about how to be a friend. Psychologists refer to this malady as "performance anxiety." To counteract that problem, let's examine the next guideline.
2. Learn to ask questions — and then wait for the answers. A young woman in your office comes by your desk. She points to a letter in her hand and tearfully says, "My boyfriend has left with another girl. He's gone. Forever. He says he never wants to see me again." She breaks down and sobs some more.
If you are your own Number One, you might take her by the hand and say, "Now, now, that's not so bad. Let me tell you what happened to me, let's see was it two or three years ago? Yes, that's right, it was three years ago. You see, I was dating this guy who ..."
What is the problem with this reaction? It says you are so
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concerned with your own three-year-old problem that you cannot hear the pain of your friend now. What if, instead, you take her hand and say, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. Are you going to be all right?" Then, "You probably don't need to cook dinner tonight. Why don't we go out together and get a bite. We can talk more then." Or, "What can I do to help you walk through this tough time?"
What a difference! That is a friend. That is being willing to stand in a Number Two position and feel good about it. Why? Because there are times in our lives when the concerns of another merit more attention than our own. It's one of the most important factors in learning the fine art of friendship.
Here is an exercise for you. Make it a point in the next day or two to talk with two or three friends. Tell them something wonderful that has happened to you, and note their response. Do they stay with you and your excitement? Or do they use the occasion to talk about themselves?
An even better experiment will be the next time someone turns to you and relates a situation — good or bad — that is on his or her mind. Will you ask questions that draw out how this person feels? Will you be patient in listening? Will you affirm your friendship by making your friend feel he or she is the most important person in the world at that moment? When you do, you'll be practicing one of the most powerful, yet rarely understood principles in learning how to be a friend. You'll find yourself in a perfect position to implement guideline number three.
3. Take full responsibility for the pattern of growth you have experienced and encourage others to do the same. The story is told of a trusted adviser of President Lincoln who recommended a candidate for the Lincoln cabinet. Lincoln declined,
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and when he asked why, he said, "I don't like the man's face."
"But the poor man is not responsible for his face," his adviser insisted.
"Every man over forty is responsible for his face," Lincoln replied, and the prospect was considered no more.
Just as you and I, according to Lincoln, are responsible for our "face," so are we responsible, with the patience and guidance of a loving God, for our own pattern of spiritual and emotional growth.
Dr. Wayne Dyer, lecturer and author of the best-selling book The Sky's the Limit, warns against our mindless conforming to the ideas and whims of the many influences that surround us. Dr. Dyer writes:
In counseling I always think it is important to help anyone to resist automatic conformity to anything, because it detracts seriously from a person's basic human dignity by elevating other authority to a level higher than one's own. This is true for dominated children, wives, husbands, employees or anyone else: if you can't think of yourself, if you are unable to be other than conforming and submissive, then you are always going to be gullible, a slave to whatever any authority figure dictates.4
Those are good words to help us become our own persons, but they don't tell the whole story. In fact, there is great danger in becoming a law unto ourselves. The follower of Jesus has only one model, one standard, one mentor. If the gospel teaches anything, it teaches that the will of God for our lives is to be conformed, submissive, and molded into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. Such a relationship is not slavery. It is ultimate freedom. It's the kind
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of 100 per cent allegiance that does not detract from our basic human dignity; instead, it's the one relationship above all others that makes you and me truly human. It is a friendship beyond comparison. Furthermore, it is a relationship worth sharing with others. The world around you is waiting to know that such a friendship is possible.
This verse has been underlined in my Bible as long as I can remember: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matt. 6:33 KJV). What things? Things like joy, peace, hope, faith, courage, and love. It's all a matter of perspective, of remembering that the ultimate is Number One.
Too often the people who insist on being Number One do so at tremendous cost. It is always precarious to have to be on top all the time, and still more risky if perched there because of irrational thinking and careless behavior. Even a fallen Humpty Dumpty discovered the best of the king's horses and men didn't have all the answers when it came to putting him back together.
Look closely at your motivation for ascending the ladder. Take a hard look at your friendships. Do you really need to be Number One? I hope you will come to the conclusion that you don't need to worry about being any number at all.
It's my prayer that you'll discover something strangely wonderful beginning to happen to you when you work at taking full responsibility for your own pattern of growth and encourage others to do the same. Enjoy who you are. Enjoy your friends for who they are. Suddenly you'll find you will no longer be threatened by the success of others. You'll discover yourself able to compliment the one who has done well, won the award, made the touchdown, or been given the promotion.
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You'll also find you will be able to be a better friend than ever before. You'll be able to appreciate without pressure to compete, applaud without wishing you were in the limelight. You'll notice you are relaxed, warm, and spontaneous in your praise, because you have chosen to conform to a higher power, One who has given you the strength and courage to be the friend He meant you to be. You can be Number 2, 22, or 222 and still enjoy it. The best news of all is that it's not idle theory. It works! It also puts you on firm footing for guideline number four.
4. Mention your own faults before you begin criticizing your friend. If you want to a sure-fire way to keep from usurping the Number One position in a relationship, this is it. How can you feel superior when you choose to take the initiative in admitting a mistake or misguided action you've made? This doesn't mean you are inferior or ignorant, but it does put your friend on notice that you are honest about yourself. This attitude of honesty creates a fresh, convincing atmosphere of trust and camaraderie, qualities lasting friendships thrive on.
I recall one day on an overseas trip being brutally curt and short with a committee that had worked diligently and long in preparation for a meeting we were to conduct in that city. It was my responsibility to make certain everything would be in order, and upon my arrival, I found that practically all my instructions had been either ignored or wrongly executed. Frustrated, I verbally tore into those people who had worked so hard in their own culture milieu, which I did not fully understand.
I had great difficult sleeping that night. The next day I called them together to apologize. Gratefully, they accepted my apology and carried out their responsibilities in their
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own right, good way, and the event was wonderfully blessed of God. From that experience of vulnerability developed a warm friendship that has lasted over the years.
My problem was simple. I saw it as "my show," and I wanted it done my way. I wanted to be Number One. I wanted it done the American Way, the Red, White, and Blue Way, the way we do it at home! What a mistake! In spite of all my overseas experience, I had forgotten one of the most important principles of friendship. Be willing to stand back, and let your friends be Number One!
Someone has said that it is the weak who are cruel! Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. What a good word to motivate us to admit our errors. Learn to share them with a friend before you are critical of his or her actions. It adds to your stature to admit you are fully human.
5. Do your part to make this planet a friend-ship. One of my favorite verses of Scripture reads, "And outdo one another in showing affection." Just think what would happen if you and I engaged in that happy activity for even five minutes a day every day. The change in us and in our friends would be revolutionary. Besides, is it really so difficult to say something nice to those around you?
What about the waitress who in spite of being harried and rushed gives you exceptional service? Be a friend and tell her so. (And don't forget to leave a terrific tip!) What about the elderly woman who sits alone all day in the musty lobby of a retirement home with nothing to do and no one to care about her? Isn't there something you can do or be to demonstrate you care? If you regard yourself as Number One, chances are you'll just let her sit there growing old alone. But miracles begins to happen within you when your love exceeds
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your reach, when you make her and others Number One.
What about your children or your spouse? If you are going to learn how to be a friend, what better place to start than at home! You might be the father or the mother, but that doesn't mean you are a ruler whose divine right is to treat your family members as lesser servants. We all know how disparaging and unkind we can be to each other. Too often, we show the least amount of courtesy and friendship to the ones we say we love the most. We compliment the mailman, the milkman, our employees, and the people in the beauty salon, but we never compliment our own children, our own husband or wife. What a crime!
Don't let a day go by without seeing something good in your loved ones. Once you've seen it, then say something. Don't remain silent. Some days you might have to struggle a bit to find something, but you'll find it. When you do, don't be bashful. In a recent lecture, university professor Leo Buscaglia exhorted his listeners to do something about this: "I'm always telling teachers it's impossible for children to deal with a concept that out of fifty, they got forty-nine wrong. Why not tell them, 'Johnny, you got one right! Bravo! Tomorrow we're going to make it two!' "
He went on:
Remember what Grandma used to say, "You catch many more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." So why do we concentrate on the negative all the time — what you should be — what you should do? And all under the guise, "I'm telling this because I love you." ... Those people whom we should be reinforcing the most because we love them so much are often the people we tell the least. And that's a pity. So in our home is where you begin to set this atmosphere
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of personal dignity. Telling people that they are beautiful.5
Buscaglia's words remind me of the late, great football coach, Paul "Bear" Bryant. Several years ago, he was quoted as saying this about himself and his team:
I'm just a plowhand from Arkansas, but I have learned how to hold a team together. How to lift some men up, how to calm down others, until finally they've got one heartbeat together, a team. There's just three things I'd ever say:If anything goes bad, I did it.
If anything goes semi-good, then we did it.
If anything goes real good, then you did it.
That's all it takes to get people to win football games for you.6
Not only football games. It's also the winning attitude that nourishes the kinds of friendships that last a lifetime. Bear Bryant worked at getting his team to function with "one heartbeat," and so it should, and can, be between us and our friends.
When you are willing to be Number Two or Three or Four or Five Hundred, you'll discover you possess an inexhaustible supply of love, compassion, and friendship to share with those around you. Whether or not you do this is completely up to you. It's your choice. Choose love, chose hope, choose caring, choose to believe in those around you. Look for the best in others. Make your friends Number One. It will revolutionize your world.
