The Right Motive
The best exercise for the heart is to reach
down and pull other people up.
— Anonymous
In the first eight chapters we've seen some of the key ingredients that go into the making of the fine art of friendship. Principle number one reminded us to work at developing those relationships in which we demand nothing in return. We then saw how it takes a conscious effort to nurture an authentic interest in others to create a meaningful friendship. Not surprisingly, principle number three called to our attention that we are all one-of-a-kind creatures and that it takes time, often a very long time, to truly understand and appreciate one another.
We saw the importance of the fourth principle of learning how and when to close our mouths and just listen to our friends. That was then the basis for principle number five which dealt with our "being there" with our friends at those special, unguarded, even raw moments of fear, joy, celebration, and sorrow.
The sixth principle of the fine art of friendship reminded us of what may be the most difficult area of all — treating others as equals. That key principle then led us to recognizing the vital importance of praise and encouragement in nourishing friendships. If we can do that, then we will come closer to following the eighth principle of making our
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friends Number One, preferring them above ourselves.
We now come to principle nine and ten. Without them our discourse on friendship would be woefully inadequate because they provide the motive for our pursuing and developing the fine art of friendship.
A gospel preacher, his spirits low, went into his sanctuary one morning to pray. As he fell to his knees he cried out, "Oh, Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!"
The assistant minister happened to enter just at that moment. Overcome by the humility of the senior pastor, he too dropped to his knees. He began crying aloud, "Oh, Lord, I also am nothing, a mere nothing."
The janitor of the church, awed by the sight of the two men of God praying with such fervor, put his broom and dust pan aside and joined them, moaning, "Oh, Lord, I too am nothing. I am nothing at all."
At this, the assistant minister opened one eye, nudged the senior pastor, and whispered, "Now look who thinks he's nothing."
Motives! There are all kinds of them, and you and I possess them whether or not we're aware of their powerful influence on us. They're good and they're bad. Some motives — and these are the tricky ones — are neither good nor bad. Nevertheless, these sometimes blind forces within guide our lives, shape our friendships, and help determine our life's work.
For Vince Lombardi, the legendary coach of the Green Bay Packers, motive was the key issue in everything he said and did. Here is one brief but inspiring talk he made to his football team.
After the cheers have died and the stadium is empty, after
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the headlines have been written and after you are back in the quiet of your own room and the Super Bowl ring has been placed on the dresser and all the pomp and fanfare has faded, the enduring things that are left are: the dedication to excellence, the dedication to victory, and the dedication to doing with our lives the very best we can to make the world a better place in which to live.
What a powerful statement of motive for all of us! Dedication to excellence, commitment to victory, passion to do our very best, to make this world a better place to live!
What a way to live! What a great way for us to think about our friendships! Just think what would happen if you and I were to take Lombardi's words to his team and apply them to our relationships. Why, we would never be the same again, nor would our friends. Life would take on a freshness and joy and pleasure that would change our lives. We'd soon discover that the fine art of friendship would, in practical terms, become the fine art of loving.
Here's what all too often happens. We start to become legends in our own minds. We begin believing our own press releases! We make it big (regardless of the true size of our world), and then we don't rest until everyone knows about our achievements. We find ourselves heaping great doses of harsh criticism onto the work of others. We work at convincing our colleagues their contributions are worth little or nothing. We exaggerate our own importance and develop an aura of implacable superiority. Very effective strategies — if we want to lose friends.
Another sure way to lose friends is to walk around with small but ever-present black clouds hovering over our heads. When someone asks us how we are, we say, "Well, I'm not feeling well, and the car wouldn't start this morning,
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and the kids are sick, and the boss didn't give me the raise he promised, and the dog chewed up my slippers, etc., etc., etc."
Of course it's always helpful if we're not dependable. For example, we won't bother to keep our word. We won't take our deadline seriously. When a friend asks us to keep a trust, we'll say yes and mean no. We'll take his or her comments and introduce them into the gossip mill. We won't worry if our remarks destroy the character of another. We'll think only of ourselves and our own needs. We won't consider the quality of loyalty, and we'll regard others as people to walk over as we ascend our own ladder of success.
But who wants to behave in this manner? I don't. You don't. Why don't we eliminate all this negative, nonproductive activity as an ill-conceived idea? In a world that already has more than its share of anger, hatred, hunger, spiritual chaos, and domestic strife, you and I have a God-given mandate to be the healers, the lovers, not the haters. We are to be the counselors and consolers, not the combatants.
I know of no power, no force, or no more encouraging, relationship-healing, friendship-enhancing words in all of recorded literature than this ninth principle for friendship, a principle that if believed and practiced will turn your world around. We talked in the last chapter about putting others before ourselves. In this chapter, we move to the next logical step.
| 9. Learn to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Then love your neighbor as yourself. |
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For years, for some reason I could not come to grips with the full impact of that verse. I could understand loving God with all my energy and devotion. I was doing that every day. In fact, I was so highly motivated to serve my Lord that it took absolute priority in my life. I could also understand it was my Christian responsibility to love my neighbor. In fact, that wasn't really difficult at all. I enjoyed it. It was exciting to get close to my neighbors and see them one by one come to know the Lord.
The point I couldn't seem to grasp was in the last two words of the verse, "as yourself." I wasn't able to comprehend the goodness involved in loving myself. It just didn't seem right. To my mind it was selfish and ego-centered.
Then one day, while I was reading the late Reverend Cannon Samuel Shoemaker, the idea began to make sense. Shoemaker wrote, "When Christ commanded us to love our neighbors as ourselves He was commanding us to love ourselves. If we will let ourselves be drawn back in God's love, we will find that we cannot go on hating that which God loves" (italics mine).
In describing what he called "the eternal triangle," Dr. Shoemaker continued,
We are beginning to learn from psychologists what religion has been telling us all along, that we are only "persons" as we are in relation to other persons. And the greatest other Person is God. So we are bound into a triangle, of God, other people, and ourselves ... We easily see that we must have a relation to other people or to God; we do not easily see that we also need a "relation" to ourselves... and the simple psychological fact is that, unless we are in good relation with ourselves, we shall not be in good relation with others, and we shall not be in good relation with God.1
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Immediately the light began to dawn. I needed a right and proper sense of relationship to myself. Once I believed it and put it into practice, it made all the difference in the world.
I can't stress enough the importance of your recognizing your deep, intrinsic value. After all, God has created you and has invested of Himself in your very being. As a result you are of great beauty and of unique, indescribable worth. Because of this, you are to celebrate God's great love for you. You were also made for a purpose, and one of the great events for which God has prepared you is to share yourself with others in friendship.
Listen to the beloved apostle John. He lived his life to the fullest, and as an old man he penned these simple, profound words of what it means to love. In fact, in each of his three magnificent epistles, most of what he discussed concerned how to love.
We know that we have crossed the frontier from death to life because we do love our brothers. The man without love for his brother is still living in death. The man who hates his brother is at heart a murderer, and you know that the eternal life of God cannot live in the heart of a murderer.
Then, to show how "love and life" are forever interconnected, John continued,
We know what love is because Christ laid down his life for us. We must in turn lay down our lives for our brothers. But as for the well-to-do man who sees his brother in want but shuts his heart against him, how could anyone believe that the love of God lives in him? My children, let us love not merely in theory or in words — let us love in sincerity and in practice! (1 John 3:14-18 PHILLIPS)
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Love is a word expressed in a thousand ways. From the sick, sordid, carnal "love" of X-rated movies to the love of a mother for her child. From the love of a God who sent His Son to give us life to the love of a husband for his wife or a wife for her husband. Love is the word songs and poems are made of; yet putting it into practice is often difficult for us to do. Still, it's true: "Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. Love isn't love 'til you give it away."
When we begin to understand our need to love, and when we discover that to love is the only way to be in harmony with what God created us to be, then we create the environment that prepares us for the joy that comes with learning the fine art of friendship. For me that "environment" presented itself at thirty-five thousand feet.
In the more than three decades I have spent in my work with Christian agencies, I have had the privilege of traveling tens of thousands of miles to every continent, visiting over one hundred twenty-five nations in probably one hundred fifty or more separate trips. That is a lot of hours in the air sitting next to strangers.
Often the conversation with my seat-mate leads to questions such as, "What is your work?" "Where are you heading — and why?" "What is World Vision anyway — some international optical firm?"
Time and again, the conversation naturally turns to my witness of faith in my dearest friend, the Lord Jesus Christ. It is always a privilege to be able to give away my faith and share with another the greatest friend who ever lived. Even though I shouldn't be surprised anymore, I'm still somehow repeatedly amazed at how open and eager some fellow passengers are to pursue this subject. Other times the person next to me does not choose to discuss the matter further.
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On occasion I have found a fellow believer, and that fellowship is always specially meaningful. Then there was the man in seat 14-A.
I was on my way to a conference in Egypt when I soon realized I was to be seated for twelve hours next to the greatgrandson of one of my heroes, a former United States president. I was fascinated as he shared with me so many intriguing and little-known facts about this great American chief executive. During our long conversation I had the privilege to relate to him the truth of the resurrection and the magnificent hope the believer in Christ possesses.
"I'd give anything if I could believe, as you do, in an afterlife," he said. "But I just can't do it. Perhaps, one day I will."
It is my prayer that he will one day be joined to Christ and His church.
A few days later, on a return flight from Europe, the cabin was sparsely populated and I had the opportunity to speak at great length with one of the hostesses. I talked with her about the Christian life and all its richness and fullness. Rarely have I met one more open to the good news. I have no greater joy than to be motivated by God's great love for me, Ted Engstrom, and then share that love with friends new and old.
In preparing my thoughts for this chapter, I went through one of my sermon files and rediscovered what some of our greatest writers have written about this capacity for love and caring.
The famous early nineteenth-century preacher, Henry Ward Beecher, said, "No one can deal with the hearts of men unless he has the sympathy which is given by love ... you must have enough benevolence, not only for yourself,
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but for others, to pervade and fill them. This is what is meant by living a godly life."
Victor Hugo, French poet, dramatist, and novelist, wrote, "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves."
The prolific American writer, Longfellow, declared: "Nor father or mother has loved you as God has, for it was that you might be happy when He gave His only Son. When He bowed His head in the death hour, love solemnized its triumph; the sacrifice there was completed."
Then I was reminded of these ever-so-sane words once discovered on an asylum wall:
Could we with ink the oceans fillAnd were the skies of parchment made
And every stalk on earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above
Would drain the oceans dry,
Nor could that scroll contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky.
What powerful thoughts for living! What magnificent words and concepts to give us the courage to keep reaching out, to keep touching, caring, giving, and forgiving those around us! What encouraging words these are to help us keep loving and learning how to be a friend!
What is the fundamental reason we should love our neighbor? The answer can be found in John 16:27: "For the Father Himself loves you." How wide is that compassion? The Lord said, "I have loved you with an everlasting love" (Jer. 31:3). What about fickle friends? "A friend loves at all
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times" (Prov. 17:17), and "Many waters cannot quench love" (Song of Sol. 8: 7). And forgiveness? First Peter 4:8 says, "Love will cover a multitude of sins."
What about the risks of friendship? Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you" (John 15:13-14). Part of the good news of this message from our Lord is that it is never a harsh order from an unfriendly commander.
Like each of God's commandments to His people, this one is meant to inspire us to action and discipline, to carry out God's plan for our lives. To be a true friend takes time, energy, patience, courage, and determination to draw out the best in another in spite of the setbacks and discouragements.
One of my favorite stories is the old tale about the devil's clearance sale. The fable begins with Satan standing before a large table of tools on which were placed the sword of jealousy, the knife of fear, and the hangman's noose of hatred. Just about every tool in Satan's possession was for sale, and for a very high price.
Standing alone on an ornately carved wooden pedestal was a worn and battered wedge. It had obviously been used more than all the other tools put together. This wedge was the devil's most prized possession. It was the wedge of division between God's people. It was the only tool Satan needed to stay in business, and it wasn't for sale.
Why? Because he knew it was the most effective tool of the lot. You and I know it too. New and old friends will disappoint us. We will become discouraged in our attempts to be a friend. But a loving, understanding Father is always
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waiting to take our disappointments and turn them back into friendship.
Lasting friendships take persistence and constant effort, but they demand more than physical strength. The prophet Isaiah reminds us where the power for loving really comes from: "But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint" (40:31). With that encouragement we will be granted the power to love our neighbors. We will once again rise up, confident, and be a friend. It is also what we need for loving our "enemies."
Surely one of the most remarkable men of this century is a man I'm privileged to call my cherished friend. He is Ugandan Bishop Festo Kivengere, resident of a country that took the unbridled anger and fury of the half-crazed, self-appointed president for life, Idi Amin.
For eight long years blood flowed from the innocent bodies of men, women, and children. Amin was no respecter of persons. A classic example of a paranoiac, he saw the enemy behind every tree, and each threat to him — imagined or real — was disposed of in the most horrible fashion imaginable.
Amin's infamous "State Research Bureau" kept tabs on these "enemies," and through its sophisticated underground network it was able to kill, maim, and destroy large numbers of Uganda's best and brightest. He used every means possible to perpetuate his power and his crimes.
During Uganda's darkest hours, our World Vision teams interviewed grieving families. We would hear stories of how five to six family members had been picked up in the dead
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of night, thrown into the trunks of cars, and taken out and shot. After we had heard literally hundreds of these stories it was difficult to separate truth from what might have been fiction, because there came a point where they were one and the same.
During this Ugandan holocaust if any one man had cause for anger and retribution, it was Anglican Bishop Festo Kivengere. His archbishop was ambushed and killed by Amin's troops. Festo's flock of faithful, Spirit-filled men, women, and children were gunned down, knifed, butchered, or raped. Yet, by the mercy of God, Festo was ultimately able to say, "I love Idi Amin." He wrote a book with that title, and in one section he declared:
Peace is not automatic. It is a gift of the grace of God. It always comes when hearts are exposed to the love of Christ. But this always costs something. For the love of Christ was demonstrated through suffering, and those who experience that love can never put it into practice without some cost.I had to face my own attitude towards President Amin and his agents. The Holy Spirit showed me that I was getting hard in my spirit, and that my hardness and bitterness toward those who were persecuting us could only bring spiritual loss. This would take away my ability to communicate the love of God, which is the essence of my ministry and testimony.
So I had to ask for forgiveness from the Lord, and for grace to love President Amin more, because these events had shaken my loving relationship with all those people. He gave assurance of forgiveness on Good Friday, when I was one of the congregation that sat for three hours in All Souls' Church in London, meditating on the redeeming love of Jesus Christ. Right there the Lord healed me, and I hurried to tell Mera [Festo's wife] about it. This was fresh air for my
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tired soul. I knew I had seen the Lord and been released: love filled my heart.2
No sheer power of the will could have fostered such an attitude of love. No broad, humanistic appreciation of people could have produced the quiet strength and solid resolve Festo felt in his very bones for Idi Amin. This love for his neighbor, cruel and contemptible though he was, could only have come about as a result of a relationship with the living God. While Festo Kivengere and Idi Amin never again met, Festo continues to pray for the man who did his best to destroy the country that was once called the "gem of Africa." Festo remains willing and able to be Idi Amin's friend.
You and I are not likely to be placed in such a life-threatening position. Yet that same power of love manifested by Festo is available to you and me at this very moment. When you have a need to make restitution to your spouse, one of your children, a neighbor, perhaps a friend at church or in the office, start by remembering that "all power is given unto you." God has generously provided you and me with all the strength we'll ever need to be loved and to love. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you ( Matt. 7:7). What greater promise could you or I ever want? Yet, so much of the world system runs contrary to the essence of Christian truth. That's why what I call these "wonderful surprises" are so important to keep in mind as we reach out in love to our neighbors.
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mad, better yet — get even. The kingdom of God says to do good to those who mistreat you and wish you evil.
What a contrast in values! What powerful motives! What a marvelous source of power becomes available to us when these kingdom principles are put into practice in our daily lives! It's a constant reminder we all need as we learn the fine art of friendship.
