Listen (And You Shall
Hear)
What's a grandma?
"A grandma used to be a real mom, but then she gets very old and changes into a grandma."
ANDREW
Age 5
Do you know a sure sign of age? It's when we say, "Now when I was your age...," and you can add a hundred pious statements, which are accompanied by solemn head shaking:
... I walked to school, no matter what the weather.... I wasn't allowed to stay out after ten.
... I did my chores before I went to play.
And the child or young person listens to you, shrugs his shoulders, and cancels further communication.
I have had to learn to listen, because I love to talk. Listening is a trait that will make us appear smarter than we are. Also, when we listen, we make the other person feel important. Every day we see the results of those children who do not have a sense of self-worth. However, when someone takes the time to listen to them, to encourage them, their lives may be changed.
A young girl in her early teens, living in an affluent neighborhood, took an overdose of sleeping pills one night. Her parents were busy with careers and didn't have a clue that their daughter was severely depressed. She had been struggling in an exclusive private school to attain the grade average that was
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expected of her. Perhaps she didn't think she could live up to the rigid expectations of her family. But what would have happened if that bright teenager had someone who had listened to her frustrations?
It is of no small significance that suicide ranks second in cause of death among teenagers. Why is this, in view of our intellectual, supertechnological society? I believe it is due to lack of love and willingness to take the time to really listen — to communicate.
Although we grandparents are often accused of reminiscing about days gone past, certainly if we took time to share our own fears and failings, we might invite the confidences of our grandchildren. We're not saints, and the younger generation should know that! Only through God's grace can anyone survive and have hope today.
What do the kids really think of us? Here's a letter that was in a West Coast newspaper:
"What a Grandmother Is"
A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own, so she likes other people's little girls. A grandfather is a man grandmother. He goes for walks with the boys and they talk about fishing and tractors and like that.
Grandmas don't have to do anything except be there. They're old, so they shouldn't play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market where the pretend horse is and have lots of dimes ready. Or if they take us for walks, they should slow down past things like pretty leaves or caterpillars. They should never ever say "Hurry up."
Usually they are fat, but not too fat to tie kids' shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out and gums off.
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It is better if they don't typewrite or play cards except with us. They don't have to be smart, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats and how come God isn't married. They don't talk baby talk like visitors do, because it is hard to understand. When they read to us they don't skip, or mind if it is the same story again.
Everybody should try to have one, especially if you don't have television, because grandmas are the only grownups who have got time.
BY A NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL
To listen to children is not too difficult, because we are usually so enchanted with what they are saying. We love to repeat the funny things, because they lighten our hearts and provide a source of amusing incidents.
During much of a child's life, he is being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and what not to do. He is being talked at. When you talk with him and listen to what he is saying, you will really be someone special. More important, that grandchild will feel special, too.
It seems to me that the greatest plus in a willingness to listen is that it provides one of the valuable tools a child needs to build his self-esteem. We're living in a time when society judges human worth by outward appearances and personal talent. The world has an unjust attitude of praising the beautiful and the intelligent and relegating the unattractive and mentally inferior to third-rate status.
The effects of a child's lack of personal worth are compounded. As small children suffer from inferiority, it builds in the teenage years and results in adults who are unable to cope with the pressures of living because of the years of conditioning in poor self-image they have received.
We all know the problems. We see teens in the drug culture; we watch them go into the cults in order to get the acceptance
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they lacked in their homes and churches; we agonize over where we have gone wrong as parents or grandparents. Problems are obvious. Suggestions for solutions are more creative.
Let's talk listening strategies. Certainly the attention we give to our grandchildren during the early years is different from the rap sessions we have with them in their teens and from the empathy we have for them as adults.
Rock Is Back
Some years ago baby departments sold bottle proppers, those stuffed little pillows with a strap to hold the bottle until the baby was old enough to grasp it with his two little fists. Mother was free to do the housework or take care of other children. When Grandma came to visit, she would take over and hold the baby, spending tireless hours rocking him to sleep.
Today, rocking is in style again. When I rocked my grandchildren, I sang songs like "Jesus Loves Me" and "Over the Rainbow." Today the grandchildren still love the rocking chairs in our house. Somehow I think every home should have one. In a high-speed society, there's something soothing about swaying back and forth.
Also, babies and small children should hear our voices, even when they don't understand words. One young mother said, when she brought her first baby home from the hospital, she just fed him, diapered him, and talked to herself. Her mother came in and said, "Honey, your baby is a real person. Talk to him."
Word of warning here, for grandmothers in particular: Babies haven't changed much over the years, but methods of caring for them have! Never criticize your daughter's or daughter-in-law's ideas on baby care or equipment. The new par-
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ents are being told by their own doctor what current methods are, and they are going to listen to him, not to you.
Grandparents may be shocked by some of the new procedures, but there will be a lot more understanding between the generations if we realize that our children are adults now, and this is their style.
Cloth diapers or paper, home delivery or hospital, breast-feeding or bottle, father in the delivery room or not, these are all issues for parents, not grandparents. One of the best ways to begin a wonderful relationship with that new grandchild is to give advice to his parents only when asked.
How to Talk With Children
By the time we are grandparents we may have learned the trick of talking with children. The first step is to stop talking so much and listen to them.
I know from personal experience what working parents are up against. Being in the entertainment business for much of our lives, Roy and I were away from home a lot — too much of the time. Our older children were deprived of much of our attention during those years when we were spending twelve to fourteen hours a day on a TV series. We had so little time to listen.
Now, as a grandma, I find myself struggling with the same challenges. However, I realize how fast the years go by and know that if we listen to our grandchildren when they are small, they may share the important issues in their lives with us when they are in the turbulent teens.
Children are emotional, not rational, and if we are going to establish any sort of rapport with them, it will be on an emotional basis. For instance, let's look at a situation that is quite common. Little Susan, age five-and-a-half, has just been told
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that she can't go over to Karen's house to play. Mother has her reasons and chooses not to go into a long explanation with Susan.
"No, you can't go to Karen's house this afternoon. Go to your room and play with your new doll-house furniture."
Mother is tired and right now has so many pressures in her day that she's just wishing she could sit down with the latest magazine and a cup of coffee. Only for a minute, Lord, just let me have some peace!
Grandma sizes up the situation as she walks by Susan's door and sees her little granddaughter cramming her bathing suit, a nightgown, a sweater, and a stuffed rabbit into her Snoopy totebag.
"Going somewhere?"
"I'm going to run away."
"Do you need some food to take along?"
"Nope, I'm going to a restaurant."
"You're going to a restaurant. Then you must have a lot of money for that."
Susan ignores that remark of Grandma's. Money is not the issue, it's not getting her own way. Grandma, on the other hand, instead of saying, "Of course, you can't run away," listens to Susan, without agreeing with her act of defiance, and practices a technique that psychologists call feedback. It is so effective and so simple that I wish I had learned about it years ago. It would have saved a lot of frustrations.
"You're running away because you're mad at your mother. Is that right, Susan?"
"She's mean."
"Is your mother mean because she won't let you go over to Karen's this late in the afternoon?"
No response. By this time Susan is beginning to lose enthusiasm for her escape from home, and Grandma realizes it's time
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for a diversionary tactic. "Come on, honey, let's go make a salad for supper. You can help me."
In his book, Becoming a Grandparent, Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson says, "The purpose of the feedback technique is to express to a child that you understand how she feels. Superficial responses such as 'I know just how you feel' and 'I felt the same when I was your age' will not do the trick."
Here's what Dr. Dodson recommends:
1. Listen carefully to what the child is telling you.2. Put the child's feelings into your own words and feed them back to her.
So much of our time is spent in talking to children, that we miss the wonderful experience of listening to what they have to say. When you listen to a child, you temporarily become a child again, entering into his magical world of wonder.
Remember how the disciples tried to keep the children away from Jesus, "But Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and don't prevent them. For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven' " (Matthew 19:14).
Jesus loved children. A little child is teachable, trusting, unsophisticated, and loving. That's the way He wants us to accept Him — as a child.
Hear Them Out
Children pass through stages of behavior. It's very important for us grandparents to realize that they aren't our little angels all the time and that there will be times when their behavior absolutely baffles us. Don't blame the parents, look at the age. One psychologist says that in going from stage to stage, a child moves from a stage of equilibrium to a stage of disequilibrium,
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and then back again. In parent and grandparent words, this simply means that the stage of equilibrium is when a child is a pleasure to be around, and the stage of disequilibrium is when he is generally obnoxious. An easy way to remember the ages and stages is to understand that the even-numbered ages, two and four, are usually times of disequilibrium, and the odd-numbered ages, one, three, and five, are times of equilibrium.
Unless we understand these changes, we may be baffled by the precious, loving little toddler who turns into the demanding little king, who gives the orders, bangs his head, and tries your patience to the utmost. The terrible twos were not named by accident.
Erin, a motherly little five-year-old, was frequently harassed by her two-year-old brother, Taylor. One day, as Taylor was nearing his third birthday, Erin had some exciting news for her grandma.
"Grandma, guess what. Taylor has a new word he's learned. It's yes!"
If we cuddle them and talk to them when they're babies and listen to them when they're preschoolers, we will have more of a chance to have them as our friends in their teen years.
One of my grandchildren came to me one time, complaining that her parents were unfair. "Grandma, they just expect me to do too much housework; that's the reason my grades aren't so hot. I just don't have time to study."
I heard her out, not commenting on either the low grades or her seemingly heavy demands, and then said, "Honey, let's look at your priorities. Your mom and dad are working hard, so let's figure out how you can get your chores done first and have plenty of time for homework and fun."
It wasn't a big crisis, but she knew I'd listen.
Grandchildren somehow feel their grandparents will lend that listening ear, for the grandparents have already experienced many of the same problems with their own children.
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Granted, some grandchildren may think we grandparents are too old to understand their problems. But if we honestly share some of our problems with our grandchildren, we can make a covenant to help each other.
For those of you who like to use lists for guidelines, here's a list of positive paths to listening:
1. Look 'em in the eye. I've watched Roy Rogers captivate the hearts of children everywhere by simply stooping down and giving them his full attention. It's called caring communication.
2. Try to talk to one child at a time. Grandparents, when you have more than one grandchild around, pay attention to each one.
3. Use the feedback technique. Developing feedback is simply repeating what a person has said in another way.
4. Share stories, but don't moralize.
Grandchildren appreciate us more if they feel they can talk about their problems with us. But the groundwork for such relationships grows out of our availability. This doesn't mean, necessarily, that we need to be physically close by, but it's the closeness of our interests and attitudes that count. Find out who their heroes and heroines are, learn about their hobbies and sports, and then just listen to the wonderful language of youth.
I find the young people of today interesting, exciting, challenging, and stimulating. I have no desire to sit in a rocking chair, "tsk-tsking" about the "wild young generation." I find them bright, healthily inquisitive, and just plain fun.
That leads me into the next subject....
