Comfort the
Wounded
"My grandmother always listens to my problems."
HEIDI
Age 7 1/2
The injuries may be minor when our grandchildren are young: a scraped knee, a bumped head, a denied request. Every grandparent knows what to do in these circumstances. We hold the sobbing one, fix the injured place, and kiss away the tears. That's the warm and wonderful experience of grandparenting. As the children grow, the wounds become deeper, and our roles may become more important than the person who is the keeper of the Band-Aids.
Flunked
All of us flunk at some time. Whether it be a case of not making the football team, being passed by for cheerleader, or losing a boyfriend to the school beauty queen, life's disappointments are hard to take at the time. To bear one another's burdens is a privilege, as long as we remember that the Lord is the final person to carry the load. A good grandparent is available to be a sounding board or a warm shoulder.
In the early days of my show-business career I was pursuing the desire for fame and recognition at a dizzy pace. I see a lot of young women today, divorced and struggling as single parents to raise children and keep their heads above water. I know it isn't easy. I was married when I was very young and had a
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baby boy to support after his father left us. My priority in life at that time was my career, and I drove myself in the relentless desire for recognition.
Tom's grandmother, my mother, was a solid, supportive help during those years and until her death in 1976. One time I fell apart, physically and emotionally, while trying to break into the Chicago show business. I wired my folks for money, and my little boy and I went home to Texas, on a train, miserable and defeated. If it hadn't been for the love of my folks and the way in which my mother took care of Tom, I don't know where we would have landed.
I believe Mom enjoyed her grandson more than she did my brother and me. She poured herself into Tom, and all her God-given and time-tested values were taught to him. Today Tom is a fine, responsible Christian husband, father, and grandfather, and it was because of Grandmother Smith and her example.
Please, I didn't mean to neglect my father. He took time with Tom, also. When he died in the spring of 1954, we went to his funeral, in Italy, Texas. As we drove the family car to the Waxahachie cemetery I glanced at Tom and saw tears flowing down his cheeks. He said, "There goes the only real father I ever knew when I was growing up."
Grandparenting is different in changing times. Today one out of every eight kids in the United States lives in a single-parent home. The trend, according to sociologists who chart the demographics of populations, indicates that four out of ten children born in the 1970s will live in single-parent homes. That's a shocking statistic when we realize the difficulty, the heartache, the strain that comes from raising children without two parents, or imagine the confusion caused in young lives when they spend part of the time with Mommy and part of the time with Daddy.
What can grandparents do in the case of a family split? The
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first thing seems obvious to me: that is to counsel the couple to stay together and work it out, if possible. The Bible says:
Now for those who are married I have a command, not just a suggestion. And it is not a command from me, for this is what the Lord himself has said: A wife must not leave her husband. But if she is separated from him, let her remain single or else go back to him. And the husband must not divorce his wife.1 Corinthians 7:10, 11
Today we have so many Christians playing loose with God's commands. They say, "Yes, but there are certainly circumstances where divorce is necessary."
If a husband or a wife isn't a believer and leaves his or her Christian mate, then the Bible says, "...The Christian husband or wife should not insist that the other stay..." (1 Corinthians 7:15).
Whether right or wrong, many Christians are divorcing today. If counseling hits upon deaf ears and the separation is final, grandparents are in a precarious position.
It's almost impossible to have neutrality in the heart, but it's important to be outwardly neutral. Bad-mouthing one or the other of the marriage partners has started some of the most bitter and lasting rifts, to say nothing of the damage done to the children.
Death and divorce carry similar emotions, and sometimes I'm not sure which is worse. I've experienced both and know the sickening shock waves they cause.
When my music-composer husband and I split up, it was a case of Hollywood careers causing two ambitious people to go their separate ways. We didn't have children born to us, and God was not within our lives. We were like so many young couples today, blindly pursuing that elusive quality called suc-
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cess and not succeeding in the most important areas of our lives.
Roy and I have been married over thirty-four years now, and I never intend to get a divorce. I made that promise to God. Of course, we have had disagreements, and we've argued over important and trivial issues; but when we married, it was till death do us part, and that's that.
Yes, we have had divorce in our family, and I know that emotions a mother and grandmother have in such cases. However, I know I can't bear the hurts and disappointments for my loved ones; I can only be available when they need me.
In case of a bitter divorce, where children are often the pawns of battling parents and used for the parents' selfish reason of wanting to hurt each other, grandparents can be a soothing presence in a disturbed child's life. They can be a haven for an unfortunate child emotionally torn between two parents. This is no small task; it's like walking a tightrope when we try to establish the confidence in the child that both parents love and need him or her.
One grandmother told how her little grandson asked her, "What happened to my old dad?" She said her stomach tied up in knots trying to think how to answer the child, whose father had walked out on his family. She said, "He went to live someplace else, but he still loves you."
We need to pray for God's guidance in explaining the divorce without incriminating either of the parents. God is the judge. Later, the child will understand as he matures. Every child is entitled to the love and concern of both mother and father. When a grandparent lets the grandchild see an emotional bias for either parent, the child begins to feel a civil war building within himself. It's not fair; the child is not to blame and should be protected emotionally.
We must strive to do our utmost to let the children know that marriage is an honorable estate and there are good mar-
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riages that last a lifetime. We should teach them that God wants them to be very slow and careful in choosing a mate and that He has the right one for them.
The divorce rate is horrendous, and it is telling on our children. We grandparents whose marriages have survived the marital storms over the years must be honest with our grandchildren. We must tell them that not one of us is perfect and that Jesus forgives our mistakes. That's what the cross is all about.
I think it's harder to face the divorce issue when the family involved is a Christian family. The guilt is oppressive on everyone's part. Jesus died to take away our sins, and the only freedom from guilt is through Him.
Death and the Child
To comfort a child when someone he loves dies is a job the Lord may give us someday. I have had it both ways: telling my children about death and having them tell me. A child seems to understand more about heaven than adults, and describing the beautiful place his loved one is in can be done as graphically and with as much glorious imagination as you wish. I do believe that heaven is a wonderful place, and every child should be brought up to believe that.
I wrote in The Woman at the Well: "We cannot run from death, and its partings. We cannot run from anything. The sooner we accept the fact of death, and the sooner we resolve to work it out with the help of the Lord, the sooner we conquer it."
Stick Together
Sometimes grandparents have to step in and play the part of parents. It's not easy to raise a family when your physical ca-
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pacity is dwindling. But God will supply His strength for every situation. The important thing is to keep the family together. The Bible says: "...Otherwise, if the family separates, the children might never come to know the Lord; whereas a united family may, in God's plan, result in the children's salvation" (1 Corinthians 7:14).
All the admonitions in the world will do no good if we aren't comforted ourselves. I find the Psalms one of the greatest sources of comfort. Absorb them, meditate upon them, pass them on.
Lord, you are my refuge! Don't let me down! Save me from my enemies, for you are just! Rescue me! Bend down your ear and listen to my plea and save me. Be to me a great protecting Rock, where I am always welcome, safe from all attacks.... My success — at which so many stand amazed — is because you are my mighty protector. All day long I'll praise and honor you, O God, for all that you have done for me.
Psalms 71:1-3, 7, 8
