Jump the Generation
Gap
"My grandma is cute."
JERED
Age 9
A child's view of age is relative to nothing. When I asked a preschooler how old a grandpa is, he answered, "Maybe twenty-three." Our grandson D.J. told his teacher that I was "eighty-six." When they're little, old is anything past thirteen; however, the generation gap widens as they get into the middle childhood years and beyond.
I believe we grandparents can do something to narrow that chasm and improve our life-styles at the same time.
The way we look at ourselves will determine how our grandchildren look at us. We have a battle to wage with today's values. In the United States we are bombarded with the glories of the young, the beautiful, and the successful.
Look at the fear many people have as they turn forty. "This is the big one," they say regretfully, as if their achievements were all in the past. We use potions, facelifts and hair coloring to stay youthful. (Not that I disapprove of looking your best). However, in our relentless pursuit to stay young, we may convey the impression that youth has a priority on value and that growing old is a process to be avoided, at all costs. Time doesn't reverse itself; however, we can credit the aging process with more desirability than our youth-worshiping culture has been willing to give.
Page 62
Growing older (not old) has a lot of advantages. Enjoy it, and your grandkids will enjoy you.
Why Be Afraid of Aging?
Not long ago I was visiting with relatives in Memphis and went to a beauty shop to have my hair done. I overheard two women discussing their grandchildren. One of them said, "Is it true you have a great-grandchild?" The other woman laughed and said quite emphatically, "Please, don't make it worse than it is! I have a new grandchild, not a great one."
I wanted to shout, "You should be so lucky, lady! I have six great-grandchildren, and it's wonderful, so don't knock it."
Why are we so afraid of age, and why do we lie about it? Whenever I am asked my age, I always flat out tell the truth. It's beautiful to reach the age where you can quit pressing to prove yourself, where you can be your own self, the person God created, with no apologies.
Yes, I try to do my best with what I have; I owe it to Roy, my friends, and myself to be well-groomed and stylish as is possible. If I only looked at the women's magazines and fashion pages, I suppose I could become despondent about this relentless march of the years; however, I look to the Scriptures and find that aging has very high priority. That's Good News.
We cannot demand respect, but we should command respect because of our love and fear of Almighty God and our example of godly living.
The Bible says: "You shall give due honor and respect to the elderly, in the fear of God. I am Jehovah (Leviticus 19:32).
How far we have strayed from biblical principles! In the patriarchal times, the older people were the center of family life. They were the ones who gave the advice and led Israel in times of trouble. Look at the priests, the judges, and the warriors; they were admired and revered.
Page 63
In Proverbs, old age is not a curse, it's a prize. "White hair is a crown of glory and is seen most among the godly" (Proverbs 16:31). In our country, the cosmetic industry sells many millions of dollars' worth of hair-coloring products.
Old age is not a burden, it's a reward. We simply need to read the instructions on this earthly package the Lord has given us. "If you want a long and satisfying life, closely follow my instructions" (Proverbs 3:2).
The best way I know of jumping the generation gap is to have the wisdom that only God can impart.
"For the reverence and fear of God are basic to all wisdom. Knowing God results in every other kind of understanding. 'I, wisdom, will make the hours of your day more profitable and the years of your life more fruitful' " (Proverbs 9:10, 11).
When our grandchildren reach those precarious preteen and teen years, only God's wisdom will suffice.
Broken Connections
Ellen's grandmother lived with them for as many years as Ellen could recall. She remembered when she was very young, around three or four, that Grandma just came to visit for long periods of time, but she had a house of her own "somewhere far away." Then one day the whole family moved to another house, and grandmother moved into her own little apartment, which was part of the main house. That was fun, because Grandma had a piano and played funny songs "by ear," she said. (Although Ellen didn't understand how she could play with her ears). Anyhow, Grandma's adjoining apartment was a refuge from the demands of Mother. When Ellen went in the little living room and closed the door, she could share Grandma's doughnuts and Seven-Up, which she wasn't allowed to have on her side of the house. It was a secret she had with Grandma.
Page 64
As Ellen grew older, she spent less time with Grandma. First, the granddaughter found her grandmother increasingly boring, and then she began to resent the intrusion in her young life when Grandma would say, "Come in and talk to me."
It's only natural that the same little boy or girl we spent hours with, playing games, going to the park, or telling stories, will come to a time when he or she would rather be with friends or watching television than chatting with Grandmother or Grandfather. Even talking to us on the telephone will be a chore, and we begin to feel pushed out of the child's life.
We feel like we've been carrying on a wonderful conversation with someone, and suddenly the wires are cut, and we're left holding a frayed memory of past fun.
If we feel injured that the little girl we cuddled now has a hands-off policy, and the little boy we cared for when he had the chicken pox, now treats us as if we had the same disease, then we are not being realistic about their age. They are breaking the bonds with their parents, too, and we need to give them time to establish communications with us on a different level.
If we have established the loving bonds when they are small, they'll come back.
Rip Tide in the Teens
It's so wonderful to watch these emerging young men and women, yet painful at the same time. They are being pulled back and forth between childhood and young adulthood, not knowing where they want to be from one day to another. They reach forward to the aspect of the big decisions, like school and career and love affairs, and yet reach back to the freedom from decisions and responsibilities that childhood offers.
What can grandparents do during these years when everything that involves the process of growing up seems, "heavy,
Page 65
man?" If there is any advice I might give, it would be quite simple. Be available.
They may or may not want to talk about some of the weighty subjects that burden and confuse them. However, sometimes Grandma and Grandpa are more accessible than Mom and Dad. The latter have the power of punishment and disapproval, the former may disapprove, but not punish.
Harriet is the grandmother of two preschool children. She adores them and would probably pass the test as "Super Grandma" herself. She said that her greatest desire was to be the kind of grandmother her mother is. Harriet said, "My daughter is grown and is the dean in a girls' school. She calls her grandmother, long distance, and sometimes talks to her for an hour at a time. All her life my daughter has confided in and shared with my mother many aspects of her life. It's a marvelous relationship."
Who can comfort and understand better than someone who has walked the paths of life and run into the thorns and stones? The simple fact that we've lived longer, seen more, and experienced more of life's joys and sorrows should give us some advantage in being able to listen to the grandkids ventilate their problems.
Many times, as life deals us bitter blows, we groan inside, "Why me, Lord, why me?" How I love the Scripture that says:
What a wonderful God we have — he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Page 66
But Mom and Dad Don't Understand
When we grandparents are the dumping ground for complaints, we need to call on God's wisdom for our reactions. We need to remember the cardinal rule: Never criticize parents to the child. We are really being tested by our grandchildren and being invited to conspire with them against their parents.
Listen to the gripes, and then take the opportunity to explain the parents to the child. When fifteen-year-old David says to Grandpa, "Dad is so unreasonable. I was a little late getting in the other night, and you'd have thought I committed a murder or something. He raved on and on about how cruel I was to Mom and how irresponsible I was and — good grief, don't they think I'm old enough to take care of myself?"
Grandpa listens and then asks David if he phoned when he knew he was going to be late.
"Gosh, I didn't want to wake them up — I was only thinking of them," David explains, with the illogical logic only a teenager seems to have.
What David isn't saying is that he didn't want to call because he didn't want to be told to come home immediately. What he didn't realize was the terrible cruelty of making parents anxious and unknowing.
Does Grandpa understand? You bet he does. He remembers when David's father pulled the same trick on him, and he can tell his grandson, with graphic illustrations of the pain that children can inflict by thoughtlessness.
Praise the Lord if your grandchildren do come to you with a line of beefs about Mom and Dad. You have built a relationship over the years that has invited these confidences. The success we have as grandparents will depend upon how tactfully we handle these sessions and how careful we are not to interfere with parental authority, unless we know that bodily harm or blatant immorality is involved. Many grandparents have
Page 67
become involved in situations where the lives and welfare of grandchildren were at stake. This is not a type of interference; it's loving good sense. When we see life-styles or actions that could harm our grandchildren physically or morally, then stepping in is justified, I believe. The Bible says, "Winking at sin leads to sorrow; bold reproof leads to peace" (Proverbs 10:10).
Look, folks, there's too much "winking at sin" going on today, even among Christians. It's time we establish God's authority and values, before His judgment falls upon our entire nation and every home within it.
Disappointments
I have been asked, "Did any of your children or grandchildren disappoint you?" Of course, they have, just as I have disappointed them and my own parents.
One of my children, arriving long after curfew one night, said to me, "Look, you made your mistakes, now let me make mine."
I was heartsick, believing that I had not been the model mother that she needed. I had promised God that I would influence this child to be a missionary; my heart was set on it, but it never happened.
Today, however, this child is a well-integrated young woman with a responsible job and lovely little daughter. I had no right to plan her life for her.
Once she wrote me: "I am not an extension of you or anyone else. You will always be unhappy with me until you accept me just as I am."
When I had the grace to let go and trust her to the Lord, her life took a U-turn. All children and grandchildren must stretch and grow, and the growing can be quite painful. It was for me. The greatest assurance we have is in Proverbs 22:6 (italics
Page 68
mine), "Teach a child to choose the right path, and when he is older he will remain upon it." The emphasis is upon older. We become impatient too soon.
Disappointment is a mild way to describe my feeling when Sandy, our son, died. The ignoble way of his death was a terrible blow. However, as I think back, I am grateful that he attained his goal of private first class and that he was a Christian, in spite of the fact that he accepted a tragically ridiculous dare of hard drinking, which cost him his life.
Share Our Goofs
I was not a perfect mother. I did many things that I regret and didn't do other things I wish I had done. Many times I jumped to conclusions before hearing all the facts. Take the case of the missing knives. That was a mystery I thought I had solved, but quickly regretted my hasty solution.
On several occasions I found my favorite kitchen knives missing and after investigation found Dusty and Sandy using them to dig in the dirt or carve model airplanes. I would scold them, retrieve the knives, and ignore the infringement on my kitchen domain, until the next incident.
One afternoon I was very tired and went into the kitchen to peel potatoes for supper. My favorite knife was missing. Without a clue, I knew where to look. "Dusty," I called in my angriest mother voice, "bring me my knife immediately."
"I didn't take your knife, Mom."
I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him, sputtering hot steam the whole time. "Young man, I am sick and tired of missing knives. You go to your room and stay there until I say you can come out."
A few minutes later I found the paring knife in the back of a drawer. However, the damage to Dusty had been done. The
Page 69
following Christmas he gave me a whole set of paring knives. I was humbled to the core.
Another time I couldn't find out who had done something that was an infraction of the rules, so I spanked both Debbie and Dodie. Years later Dodie told me how upset she was, because Debbie was the real culprit.
However, Roy and I loved all of our children deeply, and we know that the Lord has given us wisdom for dealing with them when we asked Him and were ready to accept His guidance.
Don't you think it's a good idea to let our grandchildren know that we weren't ideal parents, either? Perhaps they have heard some complaints about us from their parents, and that might influence their feelings toward us. However, if we talk openly about our own mistakes, we might help the grandchildren with their own relationships with their parents, our children. Teenagers, especially, have struggles with tolerance of parents. They have left the stage where Mom and Dad could do no wrong and have reached the age where Mom and Dad can do no right.
Grandparents can provide the balance that is needed to span that gap between parent and child.
We Can't Change Them
There's only one person I can change. Try as I may, I can't remake my husband, my children, my grandchildren, or my great-grandchildren. The best way I know to stay in touch with all of them, to keep the lines of communication open and to have a happy, fulfilled relationship with them is to feel like somebody myself.
We older Americans need to reinforce the fact that God loves us and gives us each new day with new hope. Sociologists have told us that people with strong religious beliefs live longer
Page 70
than those who have no faith. My goodness, we could have told them that, because the Bible tells us so. Proverbs says, "Reverence for God adds hours to each day; so how can the wicked expect a long, good life?" (Proverbs 10:27).
So let's feel good about ourselves and then become involved in doing something for others. Maybe we can't be like the grandparent one little nine-year-old told us about. He said, "My grandfather likes to go on the roller coaster and sit in the front seat." That wouldn't be my bag. But we can live a life that says, "Old is not awful." We can love and listen and give.
I want my grandchildren to love and trust me, to feel they can confide in me and know I will give them a straight answer. I want them to know that I love them, even though I don't always agree with, or approve of, their views or life-styles. I want them to know the Lord loves them, that He can make their lives abundant, full, rich, and satisfying.
God didn't invent the term "generation gap," man did. He said, "Encourage each other to build each other up." (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
