Be A Surrogate
Grandparent
"Life needs an objective. Otherwise the gray matter just doesn't function anymore."
GRANDMA HELEN O'ROARKE
Age 80
"Ten years ago I was all alone. My husband had died, and I sat in my little apartment with my cat, feeling sorry for myself. Then I saw an article in the newspaper about foster grandparents wanted, and I applied. Oh, my, those children are special. Now I have so much to live for."
Elizabeth is one of 18,000 senior citizens who spend four hours a day, five days a week, as a Foster Grandparent. She takes the bus every morning to a county facility for neglected and abused children. What does Elizabeth do? She loves the children, talks to them, and plays with them. Her little charges range from five to nine years of age; they all call her Grandma and look forward to seeing her every day.
Recently Elizabeth returned to her small apartment, after spending the morning playing games and helping with meals, opened her mail, and found a letter that she shows with pride to her friends. It said:
...Your dedication and devotion cannot be measured by an hourly wage, for the time and effort you give can only be reflected in the hearts of the children you so lovingly befriend.NANCY REAGAN
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Elizabeth has a new lease on life at the age of eighty-eight.
When I first heard about the Foster Grandparent plan I wanted to shout hooray and bravo. This is one government-sponsored program that I'll really get behind. It was first conceived in 1965 and was given real impetus by Nancy Reagan, when her husband was governor of California. God bless her and the plan, and may it spread everywhere.
This program provides great benefits for two different groups: older, low-income people who want to participate usefully in the life of their community and to feel needed and lonely, neglected children who desperately need care, love, and attention.
Five days a week, David Paulley, seventy years old, visits Barbara, fifteen years old, a blind, brain-damaged child. Barbara is a longtime resident of the Queens Children's Psychiatric Center in New York City. "She knows my voice and footsteps," Paulley says. "She seems to be most happy when singing." What do they sing? An appropriate song, I think: "You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You." Barbara ends the song with her own line: "I found myself a grandpa to love...."
David Paulley is not Barbara's real-life grandparent; he is a Foster Grandparent and a special friend.
I have never heard such heartwarming stories as those told to me by these dedicated senior citizens. Sure they get paid, but the money is so little that you know they don't do it for that reason. They receive a hot meal, and eating is often the chance for learning experiences. One Foster Grandparent said many of her assigned grandchildren had never used eating utensils, but had stuffed food in their mouths like little animals.
Betty Kozasa, the director of the Foster Grandparent Program in Los Angeles, said, "The children and the foster grandparents both need what each other has to give."
Paz is a woman who raised her own eight children single-handed. She said, "We had a tough time growing up together."
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Now she has sixteen grandchildren of her own, but is using her own knowledge to help kids who don't have a grandma. She volunteered to work with girls between the ages of eleven and sixteen at Juvenile Hall. These were the tough kids, wise in the ways and language of the street and suspicious of most adults. But Paz, who is bilingual, taught them Spanish cooking, how to keep a kitchen clean, and simple sanitary measures. The girls respected her, because she cared for them.
Some of the young people are delinquents who have committed every street crime, including assault and battery on old, defenseless women. Wouldn't some of the Foster Grandparents be in a dangerous position? A grandparent assigned to Juvenile Hall said, "The kids may curse and spit on the staff, but they won't with us grandparents. Sure, they test our reactions, but we're not in authority. We're on the scene to care and listen."
Give and You Will Receive
The opportunities are so abundant and the needs so glaring that no one who is physically able needs to spend his days in lonely idleness.
The Bible says, "Give generously, for your gifts will return to you later. Divide your gifts among many, for in the days ahead you yourself may need much help" (Ecclesiastes 11:1, 2).
John Regan had worked for a railroad in the accounting department until a severe heart condition forced him into retirement. He had five children and missed them so much after they left the nest. John was beginning to sink into apathy when his wife plopped a newspaper into his lap one day and pointed to an article about Foster Grandparents. "There, that ought to get you out of the chair."
John and his wife have nine grandchildren of their own, but his days were empty until he became a Foster Grandparent.
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His first assignment was Freddy, a fourteen-year-old who had been in a state mental institution for the past eleven months. Freddy had his hills and valleys, with days when he would fly into uncontrollable rages and other times when he would isolate himself and not speak to anyone.
Slowly Freddy began to trust Grandpa John. The boy taught the older man to play chess. John said, "I don't know who had the most patience, but Freddy certainly had a hard time teaching this old guy a complicated game. Boy, it's good to feel that I'm needed."
It Won't Work
The world is full of negative thinkers. When the Foster Grandparent Program was launched in late 1965, the gloomsters started their black chorus. At that time it was a more prevalent attitude that retired persons had completed their usefulness, and this part of life was a time for resting. Retirement was not a right or an option, but compulsory for most. As a result, many millions of older Americans were losing financial ground because their earning power was cut off.
On the other side of the age coin were the hundreds of thousands of children in group-care institutions throughout America. They needed to be loved, wanted, and important to someone.
Today the program is not only working, it has given hope to thousands of people. It thrills me to hear some of their stories and to see the biblical principles of love and encouragement embodied in a social program.
Never Give Up
Winston Churchill made the three little words "never give up" famous in his legendary talk at West Point. There are
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older American citizens who are making their own history, based on those words. The story of one American hero comes from Butlerville, Indiana. Asbury Sandlin is ninety-seven years old and serving as a Foster Grandparent to a handicapped youngster at a state hospital.
On nice days, Asbury pushes his youngster in a wheelchair, showing him the trees and sky. When they go inside, Asbury just sits with his child, pats his hand, and talks to him. He says, "These kids need me. I love taking care of them. What can be better than taking care of children?"
Asbury has a little experience with children. He married a girl in Kentucky, when marrying age was really young. She was sixteen, he was nineteen, and they had eleven children. After she died, he married again and had three more children. Asbury says he has ten or twelve great-great-grandchildren (he's not quite sure).
If we went to college (and I never did), or have known some of the fine things that money can buy (and I have), what can we learn from an unschooled hillbilly who is almost a centenarian? The advice he gives young people today is, "Settle down and grow up to be nice, honorable people. Go to school. Quit drinking. A friend will try to get you to stop drinking, not start. Acting nice is better than dressing nice."
We learn from the survivors. This is one of the reasons that the older citizens have so much to offer. In the Foster Grandparent Program the average age of the grandparents is a little over seventy. These people were just moving into their teens when the Depression hit the American economy. That was the big one, where men and women were standing in bread lines and fortunes were wiped out overnight. People from that era learned how to make something out of very little; how to live a tolerable life with what they had. This may be the reason why they can relate to the kids who are down and out, physically, socially, or mentally.
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Surrogate Means "Substitute"
By spotlighting the Foster Grandparent Program I believe we can emulate some of the principles that have made it so successful and add the dimension for eternal value. (Social programs have not been programmed to be Christ centered).
In my son Tom's life, there was a surrogate grandmother who ministered to him when I was so busy in my show-business career. For many years I was more like his sister than his mother; he called my own mother Mom. His name for me was Sassie, when he was so small he couldn't pronounce Frances. His surrogate grandma was Miss Hattie, a beautiful Christian woman who took the time to talk with him, to encourage him in his faith, and to applaud his musical talent. The Lord had His hand on Tom to give him Miss Hattie when he needed her.
Nancy Reagan's parents were divorced right after she was born, and her mother went back to work to earn a living as a stage actress. When her mother was touring, Nancy lived with her aunt and uncle, who were like foster grandparents to her.
What more valuable and loving service can anyone perform than to bring love into the life of a child? Who knows how many children each foster or substitute grandparent influences for the better?
Just look around. At church there is a young woman, divorced with two small children. Her parents are a thousand miles away, and the paternal grandparents are dead. Do you have a little time to take them out for ice cream or to the park? What about the kids next door? Would they like to come and hear Bible stories or see the pictures of your last trip? Ask them over. As far as grandparents are concerned, I think there can be a substitute for the real thing.
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Hit the Myths
I am tired of stereotypes of the elderly. We are not all senile, infirm, or stupid. Recently one of the major airlines had a radio commercial about a child calling his grandma and saying, "Grandma, I'm coming to visit you." After an exchange of information on the time and the flights, the conversation was ended, and then Grandma said to Grandpa, "Now who was that Nancy who called?" The image of a forgetful old woman was imprinted upon our minds.
However, there are new and encouraging trends that show that those of us over sixty are changing the public's impression of aging. Watching the aisles in the supermarkets and see how many carts containing the little basket sitters are being pushed by Grandma or Grandpa.
It's not the years, but our attitude toward aging and our physical health that determine the quality of our later years.
The finest way to preserve a quality of life after the so-called retirement age is to serve others.
When we give of ourselves, we gain. When we offer our love, we are loved. The Bible says, "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of your faults. Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay for the night" (1 Peter 4:8, 9).
A Place to Stay
Dusty (Roy, Jr.) and I have recorded some radio and television spots for San Bernardino County, asking for foster homes, on a short-term basis, for displaced, confused youngsters. These children would come by court referral and need understanding, love, and discipline in order to face with confidence the turbulent society in which we live.
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Here is an opportunity for real grandparenting by men and women who will encourage and love these unfortunate children. Jesus said if we would lose our lives for His sake, we would find them in Him. He said to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If we will give of ourselves to the younger generation, let them know we believe in them, that we really care, we will find our lives satisfying and full of purpose.
Grandparenting extends beyond bloodlines. One of the most important issues of our day is the way the older generation can help the younger and vice versa. We can be in the forefront of a return to the biblical values of respect for the elderly and care for the young, which Jesus taught.
Dr. Margaret Mead, an anthropologist and humanitarian, said in an interview with Family Circle magazine: "We in America have very little sense of interdependence. The real issue is whether a society keeps its older people close to children and young people. If old people are separated from family life, there is really tragedy both for them and for the young."
When asked by an interviewer if she thought love could heal the whole world, First Lady Nancy Reagan answered, "It certainly can do an awful lot for our society. And we certainly need more expression of it — more between parents and children, more between friend and friend, more between strangers."
Jesus said, "...Love each other just as much as I love you. Your strong love for each other will prove to the world that you are my disciples" (John 13:34, 35).
Surrogate grandparents have learned how to think in four-letter words:
Give
Love
Care
Live
