Continuing the Quest
But keep growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 3:18, my rendering
FINALLY IT IS NECESSARY TO raise a two-pronged question: How do we learn and teach forgiveness? Both parts of the question apply to our natural children and to our "spiritual" children.
The key to the answer is example. We are not going to make much progress "doing" forgiveness until we have experienced forgiveness. To experience genuine forgiveness requires an open and receptive heart. The greatest possible experience of forgiveness is to receive God's forgiveness. Here again, the thrust of Jesus' powerful story in
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Matthew 18 is eloquent. The man who experienced the king's forgiveness (the "hundred and fifty thousand years" variety) was judged severely because, having experienced that level of forgiveness, he closed his heart to his peer who owed him a sum that was paltry by comparison (the "three and a third month" variety).
The teaching of forgiveness, particularly in the home with young children, is not best accomplished by "lecture." It is better accomplished by the child's seeing forgiveness in the day-to-day life of his or her parents, and by having the parent express repentance to the child when the parent wrongs the child. Wronging one's children inevitably happens. Thus the child has the opportunity to show a spirit of forgiveness — he or she is not always the one in the wrong! In the context of love, a spirit of forgiveness and repentance are rather readily learned.
Still, the process can become quite complex. If a parent is not self-accepting, it will be very difficult for that parent to express genuine repentance. In addition, if the parent is not self-accepting, it will be very difficult for the child to grow up with genuine self-worth. Rather, the child will more likely be self-rejecting. A low level of genuine self-worth makes forgiveness a very difficult process. For a Christian, a great way to build self-worth is to
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understand that we are "accepted in the beloved" (Ephesians 1:6), that Christ lives in us (see Galatians 2:20), that God accepts us as we are with all of our shortcomings and failures.
We don't have to try to clean up our lives before we are accepted by God. He helps us in that process after we become His children through faith in Jesus Christ. He doesn't leave us where we were; the Holy Spirit begins the lifelong process of conforming us more and more to Christ. The expression "God is not finished with me yet" is on the mark. Hence we need to be gentle and patient with one another as we teach one another and learn from each other.
As new creations in Christ, the Holy Spirit helps us to "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (2 Peter 3:18). To grasp the marvelous fact that we are truly accepted by God, who knows fully our hearts, minds and actions, is to give us a new sense of who we are. Thus, we experience a growing level of self-worth. Children can understand God's acceptance very naturally if their parents are positive and affirming towards them. That parental acceptance does not mean ignoring the wrong things children do. Indeed, ignoring wrong behavior is destructive to self-worth because it conveys the idea that the parents don't care. Children need parameters set by the
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parents, but those guidelines must be established and enforced in a context of love and acceptance of the person of the child.
God sets parameters for all of us. The fact that He graciously does so does not mean that we can slide over them. Here again, God is the Model for parents. To love children does not mean permitting them to "do their own thing" or to do "what comes naturally." It rather means to affirm children in positive ways and to help them understand what it means to be courteous and thoughtful with people and to walk responsibly with God.
As children grow toward maturity, parents need to give them greater freedom to make decisions appropriate to their level of development and to hold them responsible for their decisions. That process is difficult both for parents (who want to keep control too long) and for children (who want greater freedom too soon). Where there is active love, the difficulties can be negotiated, though often with some struggle on both sides.
Learning forgiveness is best accomplished by seeing it modeled in the home. Teaching forgiveness is most effective when the parents can demonstrate to children their own practice of forgiveness with each other and with their children. That context is the best environment for learning.
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My experience with my father speaks to the radical need for teaching our children by example and by word, both a spirit of forgiveness and repentance. If our children never hear us, their parents, express a spirit of forgiveness and repentance, should we be surprised that it does not come easily to them? We need to learn how to break out of our "fear-full" defensiveness. Surely one of the ways to do that is to become aware of the amazing depth of God's forgiveness of us, the forgiveness that is of the "hundred and fifty thousand year" variety.
When forgiveness is not learned in the process of growing up, it is much more difficult to learn as an adult. But it is not impossible! To experience God's forgiveness is a huge first step. Jesus' story in Matthew 18 is again relevant. It is also very helpful to have a friend who has walked some distance along the road of a spirit of forgiveness and repentance share his or her experiences with troubled relationships. Even without such a friend, articles and books on forgiveness as well as classes and discussion can also help us in our quest. At some point, however, we simply have to "bite the bullet," as the common expression puts it. We must choose to cultivate a spirit of forgiveness when we are wronged, and we must choose to express our repentance when we are the wrongdoer. Each of
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us is responsible to reach out to bring healing to relationships. C.S. Lewis offers us some practical advice:
When you start mathematics you do not begin with the calculus; you begin with simple addition. In the same way, if we really want (but all depends on really wanting) to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo [Lewis was writing in the context of World War II]. One might start with forgiving one's husband or wife, or parents or children ... for something they have done or said in the last week.
(Mere Christianity, Book III, chapter 7)
It is encouraging to remember that with the issues and process of forgiveness we never reach the point where there is not more to learn!
In summary, here are the crucial points:
1. Our primary model for the practice of forgiveness is God Himself. We are to forgive others "just as in Christ God forgave [us]" (Ephesians 4:32).
2. In order to experience forgiveness, there needs
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to be a true spirit of forgiveness on the part of the wronged person. That means openness to the wrongdoer, care for and reaching out to the one who did the wrong. Equally necessary is a sincere repentance on the part of the wrongdoer, a genuine sorrow for having hurt the other person or persons. The matter can become very complex because often when we have been wronged, we have hurt the other person as well. Humility and gentleness are the operative words in working through broken relationships.
3. The purpose of forgiveness is to bring about community, first with God, and second with others. Some degree of community is possible with non-Christians, but it does not reach the depth nor the comprehensiveness possible in union with Christ. In that oneness with Christ, antagonisms between and among Christians are made "utterly irrelevant."
4. The alternatives to forgiveness are consistently negative and destructive to wholesome relationships. Forgiveness is positive and constructive.
5. It is essential for us to recognize that forgiveness and justice are not adversaries. These two
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realities are not in an either / or relationship. In personal relationships, we should concentrate on demonstrating a spirit of forgiveness and on repentance.
When all is said and done, there are elements that simply cannot be reduced to any formula. We cannot understand all of the dimensions involved in God's grace. The guidelines we are given in Scripture we seek to follow. As our sensitivity grows, our practice of forgiveness also grows. Always, we must remind ourselves that we cannot box God in to our continually limited awareness of His grace. Humility is an appropriate attribute in our explanation of God's Word! We need to keep growing "in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" (2 Peter 3:18). Part of the wonder and joy of the Christian life is that we can keep progressing in both our understanding and our practice of living with and for Jesus Christ.
Three statements from Scripture provide the best conclusion:
God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
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Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being changed into his likeness from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18, RSV
