Living as a Single Baby
Boomer
"Many people spend their entire lives indefinitely preparing to live."
— Paul Tournier
Author's Note: Many of you reading this book are single baby boomers. And you have unique needs and values that must be discussed in a book like this. When it comes to discussing singleness, I am definitely out of my league. I might be called married to a fault, 14 years into a delightful marriage with four wonderful but demanding children. And like most married couples, Donna and I are surrounded by friends whose lives are also full of the things that married people fill their time with.
So, I have called on my good friend Scott Last to write this chapter; He doesn't have his head buried in the sand on this important issue. His thoughts on the values and needs of single baby boomers are the result of eight years of effective ministry as singles pastor at Emmanuel Faith Community Church in Escondido, California.
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Living alone has some great benefits. You only have to clean up before you know someone is coming over. Eating out costs a lot less. When you come home from a hard day's work, you can pamper yourself with a hot bath, the newspaper, music, or TV without anyone bugging you or expecting something from you. When you want to go somewhere, the only one you have to ask permission from is yourself. You are free to do as you please without anyone, except the law and your own limitations, to hold you back.
Sounds great, doesn't it? If "happiness is being single," why are most singles from the baby-boom era still searching for that special someone?
The media tell singles that they will find that special someone in a bar, sipping a Lite Beer. The media also promotes the notion that sex = intimacy, or at least that intimacy cannot be achieved without it.
How does a Christian single cope with this hunger for intimacy? Is there a way to celebrate solo living without having to face the mornings after? Can unmarried people actually experience intimacy without immorality? In other words, is the biblical concept of abundant living compatible with the single lifestyle, or is the Bible just too limited in scope to deal with the complex problems of singles today? These are some of the questions this chapter addresses.
Single Baby Boomers: Who Are They?
Let's begin by taking a look at some of the astounding facts and figures about our generation.
In 1976 a life insurance survey of young people born between 1951 and 1962 showed that only 32 percent of the respondents felt that marriage was a "great thing." Eighteen percent recommended that people should seriously consider remaining unmarried. However, baby boomers changed their attitude about marriage with age. Today, more than 9 out of 10 baby-boomer men and women believe that marriage is the best lifestyle (Russell 1987:91-92).
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But even though our generation has a renewed belief in marriage, more than half of baby-boomer marriages will end in divorce. Demographer Paul Glick explains: "Looking back on their lives, this is what baby boomers will see: 90% will have married once; half will have divorced once. One in three will have married twice, and one in five will have divorced twice. Five percent of baby boomers will have divorced three times" (Russell 1987:95).
The love-hate relationship baby boomers have with marriage is extraordinary. They think marriage is great; it's just their partner they don't like.
SINGLE PARENTS
Baby-boom couples are having significantly fewer children than their parents had. But each year the parents of over 1 million children divorce. Today, we have some 7 million Americans, 90 percent of whom are women, raising children alone. Half of these single parents have children under age six, and their median income is just one third of the median income of married couples with children (Russell 1987:105). (Upon divorce, a woman's income is usually reduced to 70 percent of its predivorce level, whereas a man's standard of living tends to increase.) This means that a whole class of struggling single mothers has been handed greater responsibility without resources to match. Many of them are not being helped by their ex-husbands and are forced to look to social services or the church just to get by. On the other hand, millions of formerly married men have fewer responsibilities, more money, and more time to do a great deal more than just merely survive.
The single parent world is not simply limited to those who have been divorced. Since Americans are no longer outraged at out-of-wedlock births, the number of older single women having children has risen dramatically. In fact, 65 percent of out-of-wedlock babies are born to women aged 20 and above. Twenty-nine percent are born to women
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aged 25 and older, and 11 percent are born to women 30 and above. It is significant that in a survey of single American women, 21 percent of the never-married respondents had children (Barna 1987:73).
THE NOT-YET-MARRIEDS
Last but not least, we have that group of singles who have never been married. As in previous generations, the number of singles who has never been married still make up the largest part of the singles population.
For the most part, this group tends to be careful about entering commitments too hastily. They cherish their freedom, and many of them are working hard to develop their careers. The thought of marriage is frightening because of the responsibility it involves and the chance of divorce. Yet, in our singles group these people don't really like being called "never-marrieds" much less "singles." Bert says, "Never-married sounds so permanent. I think not-yet married sounds much more like it." I couldn't have said it any better.
Some single boomers who believe in marriage but have trouble with lasting commitment and the conflicts that come with it are testing these treacherous waters in advance by living together. As of 1986, over 2 million households were counted in this category.
Intimacy
In its 1987 national survey of single adults, the Barna Research Group (Barna 1987:60) discovered that the life priority mentioned by 70 percent of singles from nearly all walks of life was "investing time and effort in close friendships." Fifty-five percent of the respondents stated that they valued "a growing relationship with Jesus Christ." As surprised as I was by the second statistic, combined with the first one, it only further confirmed what I had suspected for a long time. Single adults are in search of meaningful personal relationships — with others and with God.
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Despite popular opinions to the contrary, most singles are not hooked on pleasure-seeking pursuits simply to satisfy their hedonistic desires. In fact, the image of the "swinging single" is a grossly exaggerated stereotype. Many of the unmarried are so busy with their jobs, children, and other responsibilities that they don't have time to live a "swinging" lifestyle, even if they could afford to.
Still, as the song says, some single baby boomers are "lookin' for love in all the wrong places." Others, meanwhile, are conducting their search for intimacy in "healthier" environments like recreational or social clubs or even church groups, like ours. The environment in which the search is carried out does make a difference, but it is also true that many bad relationships do come out of "good environments. "
For example, consider this relationship pattern that I have seen all too often. The names are changed but the actions are real. Brenda meets Frank at a social function. Both are still trying to get over the pain of their previous relationships and rejections. They begin to talk and find that they have some things in common. They are tired of being lonely. There is an immediate attraction between them. They go out for coffee afterward. Starting the next day, I never see one without the other. Then, after a few weeks or months, Frank suddenly pulls back. Something has suddenly changed, and he just wants to be friends. She is devastated.
The above is just a typical example of a relationship pattern with many possible scenarios. Sometimes the roles are reversed. Sometimes the relationship goes on and on for years in an "on-again-off-again" kind of way. Sometimes the man and woman involved get married, only to break up in the first year or two. Occasionally, they make it through the obstacles and have a good marriage. But, in my experience, relationships that start this way seldom last, at least
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not without some major, midstream changes being made. The problem has to do with the fact that romantic feelings arise quickly and are mistakenly equated with true intimacy. Thus, the couple becomes too close, too soon. In the process, they are unwittingly sabotaging their chances for intimacy by practicing intimate behavior before its time.
This is love, American-style. This is the way most of our culture chooses to play the dating game. It is reinforced in countless romantic novels, TV episodes, and movie plots. This romantic model looks so exciting and good on the screen: intimacy achieved in one hour or less (depending on the length of the show). It's too bad that such a beautiful looking model has to have a hidden flaw: it simply doesn't work.
Why not? The biggest reason, in my opinion, comes from a fundamental error in understanding what intimacy is all about. In our lifetime we have seen more accomplished in shorter periods of time than our ancestors ever dreamed possible. We have come to expect almost instant answers to previously unsolvable problems. The solution to any dilemma seems to lie in our ability to manufacture it, fix it quickly, or throw it away and buy a new one. This is fine when it comes to achievement in the material world. But it doesn't work with relationships. As Terry Hershey says it so well in his book, Intimacy: "Intimacy is not a destination or a possession or a status. Intimacy is a journey" (1984:18).
If this is true, then we can expect to see rushed relationships burn out quickly. There are no shortcuts to intimacy precisely because it is not a destination to be reached. Intimacy cannot be processed or possessed, microwaved or manufactured.
Intimacy is not achieved through sex or emotional excitement. In fact, sex without genuine commitment produces insecurity because of how it raises relationship expectations without any guarantees of fulfIllment. No wonder the Bible prohibits sex outside of marriage (1 Cor. 6:12-20). It is for
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the protection of His people against the emotional hurts it can cause. I have counseled many people who became sexually involved outside of marriage only to experience great personal hurt and the death of their relationship.
Intimacy is founded on trust, which is earned over the long haul and reaffirmed daily. Those who try to build an intimate relationship on attraction, romance, and body chemistry at the expense of work, self-sacrifice, and self control are just not in touch with what the journey is all about. They have set themselves up for disappointment. Disneyland is a wonderful place to visit, but real life and real relationships aren't built there.
The harder we search for intimacy, the less likely we are to find it. This is a frustrating principle for single baby boomers. This is true in male-female relationships, and in same-sex friendships. Patty is a girl who always seems to be changing best friends. "What is it about her that drove you away?" I asked one of her former friends.
"It was great at first. She really is a wonderful person. It's just that she is so intense and expects so much from me. I was being smothered by her desire for intimacy." Intimacy cannot be created instantly. It comes as a by-product of living an unselfish, loving kind of life. It is a gift that is given only to those who are willing to give up their right to it by putting the needs of others ahead of their own.
Today's pop psychology says that you have to love yourself before you can love others. There's an element of truth to this since God commands us to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Lev. 19:18). But the command focuses on loving our neighbor. It assumes that we already love ourselves enough. All of us are basically self-centered creatures. So the last thing we need to be told is to love ourselves more.
This only drives us more inward, increases our selfishness, and blocks our potential for intimacy. Instead, we need to realize that a relationship with God is the basis for loving relationships with others. "We love because He first loved
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us" (1 John 4:19). Then as we let the Author of Love show us how love really works, and put our own ideas and selfishness out of the way, we will find that intimacy will become a regular part of our lives.
The study of intimacy is a fascinating one. It deserves much more space than I have here. For more complete coverage of the subject I recommend two books: Intimacy, by Terry Hershey (Merit Books:1984) and Too Close, Too Soon by Jim Talley and Bobbie Reed (Thomas Nelson: 1982). These offer tremendous insights into understanding and developing healthy relationships.
Freedom
While it is true that most singles are interested in building intimate relationships, at the same time they are very protective of their freedom. This is especially true of the single without the responsibility of raising children. How ironic that the very thing so many singles want desperately, intimacy, represents such a threat to their most treasured possession: freedom. Nevertheless, in the world of single baby boomers, so many are trying to have both. "Who says you can't have it all?" says a popular commercial. And a significant number of singles are going for it, especially the males.
George is a good example of the man who wants to have it all. He has a great paying job in the high tech industry. He owns a nice home, a sports car, an economy car, and a motorcycle. He has all the other "necessary" trinkets and material status symbols of our day. He looks good, stays in shape, plays and works hard, enjoys travel, and has a woman who really cares for him. He is about to lose this woman, though, just like he has lost other women before. He is 35 years old, yet he insists, ''The marriage commitment is not for me. I couldn't handle the responsibility."
George is a worshiper at the shrine of freedom. I give him credit for knowing it. Most freedom-seekers don't realize how self-centered they are until they get into trouble by
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making commitments they can't keep. Freedom for George means that the most important priority of his life is himself and his own happiness. All other needs take a backseat to his own. Thus, he has learned to manipulate others very effectively to give him what he wants (until they finally see through him and say good-bye).
The problem with George, however, is that he is really insecure and alone. He is a high-wire artist without a net. He is a self-sufficient "lone ranger" without backup in case of an emergency. He goes on with his present course of life because his inner pain does not yet outweigh his hope that somehow, someway he will be able to find a woman he can keep without having to make a commitment to her. His thinking, like the thinking of so many other singles, is that he can get what he wants without really having to give anything back.
The trouble with this kind of thinking is that it is not in tune with the way life really is. God has set up His creation with certain laws and limitations that cannot be violated without consequences. A farmer will never have a harvest if he doesn't plant. Gravity must be respected. People can't live underwater without air. Love and friendship can't exist without sacrifice and commitment.
Most singles I know are not as openly committed to freedom as George. Their attitudes and actions are usually much more subtle. Many of them talk about how they desire to be more giving and committed to God, to ministry, or to others. But so often, when a specific opportunity is given them to demonstrate their commitment, such as reaching out to someone in need or just helping out in a project, most will stay away in droves. That is, unless the event somehow becomes an attractive social happening with all the right people there.
In the final analysis, I feel that the freedom-seeking baby boomer has often ended up exchanging the real thing for a caricature. A great number of us in our pursuit of freedom
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have discovered selfishness instead. Bob Dylan wrote a song a few years back that says, "Everybody's got to serve somebody." Many single boomers, who have no one to answer to but themselves, have ended up becoming enslaved to themselves. This looks and feels like freedom because "self" is calling the shots. But from what does this kind of freedom set us free? It sets us free from the ability to expand beyond ourselves, to rely on the wisdom and power of God, and to enjoy the intimacy that comes from laying aside our own needs to meet those of another.
So often we have been led to believe that submitting to God and His commands is restrictive and limiting. In reality, just the opposite is true. God, as the all-wise Creator of the universe has revealed the secrets of how His creation works best in the principles and commands of Scripture. He tells us to abide by them so that we will be blessed, so that we will succeed, and so that we will not self-destruct.
The biblical teaching on divorce is a sticky area that many singles feel to be anti-freedom and repressive. Indeed, God says, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16). Thus, it is commanded throughout Scripture that husbands and wives be faithful to one another and stick together even through the tough times. But so many of us have missed the point as to why God hates divorce. It is primarily because God loves His people. Divorce may offer freedom from a bad marriage, but it is always offset by great pain throughout the entire divorcing family. In my experience, I have never met a divorced person who likes divorce.
Fortunately, God offers love, healing, and forgiveness to divorced people. Divorce is not the unpardonable sin. But any divorced person will most likely admit that his or her divorce, even if permitted by Scripture (Matt. 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:15), has been a difficult ordeal. Singles who seek to be married or remarried would be wise to obtain the counsel of someone who knows the Bible and how it applies to family living situations.
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God is on our side, looking after us. He simply knows what works and what doesn't, as any creator would know about his creation. No wonder Jesus says, "If you hold to My teaching, you are really My disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:31,32). True freedom is not found in autonomy; it is found in believing and practicing the truth revealed by God in the Bible.
Laura is a living example of this reality. She recently said to me, "For so long I have been afraid to really commit myself to God and to His will for me. But now that I am finally unstuck and involved in doing what He wants for me (even though some of it is very hard), I have never felt freer in my life!"
Purpose
The last issue of concern in this chapter is the single baby boomer's need for a sense of purpose. I have found that so many of them seem to live in a perpetual state of transition. Most seem to view their singleness as a temporary segment of their lives — a view which is statistically validated. But the problem that often develops from this perspective is a feeling that their lives are on hold until they get married. Psychologist Paul Tournier made the sad comment, "Many people spend their entire lives indefinitely preparing to live" (Hansel 1979:80). How true this is of so many singles who are simply drifting until their dreamboat comes along to give them a reason to let their life begin to sail.
I was listening to Diane one day as she told me how she had decided not to pursue a career opportunity. She had planned to be married and wanted to remain flexible for the sake of her husband. Now, as she approaches age 30 with no marriage prospects in sight, she feels more than a little foolish and resentful. By putting all her eggs in one basket she has kept herself from greater financial security and job satisfaction. What if she never gets married?
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One of the most important ideas that I seek to communicate to single adults is that they can discover and fulfill their purpose in life whether or not they get married. In fact, their status offers them greater freedom and singlemindedness to develop and pursue that purpose.
If you are single, let me assure you that marriage is not the secret to discovering and unlocking your potential. Whether you are married or single, God has given you unique abilities and interests that you can use to bring joy to Him, others, and yourself. Here are some questions to ask yourself that can help you identify these abilities and interests so that you can develop them and put them to work in a truly meaningful way. What do I enjoy doing and do well? What do others say I am good at? How can I use my interests and abilities to please God? How can I use them to help others? With whom or with what organizations can I associate so as to make a more positive contribution? What are my needs and desires (spiritual, professional, physical, intellectual, emotional, etc.)? Am I taking steps to help in their fulfillment?
If you begin to start answering these questions now as a single, you can have a fulfilling and well-directed life regardless of your marital status. Then, as you confidently head on your life course, you will attract others who are going that same direction. Out of that group you are more likely to find the right marriage partner if that is what you desire.
Just one more thought in closing. Never underestimate the influence you can have as a single adult. Even though many in the couples world look at singles as misfits or lonely hearts, you and I know better. Some of the most courageous, creative, and inspiring people I know are single baby boomers like you.
The singles in our church continue to impact our whole community through active programs that feed and evangelize the homeless and help heal the hearts of those going
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through divorce. Singles teach our children, care for the elderly, and provide other vital leadership functions.
Your life can be rich and effective as a single adult. Don't forget that Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul were single. They even taught that single living was preferred over marriage for those who could control their sexual feelings (Matthew 19:10-12; 1 Cor. 7). Your life and your potential is a special gift from God. For His sake and your own, don't waste it.
Thinking It Through
1. With the image painted for us by our peers and the media, we are easily deceived by the stereotype of the swinging single. In what ways is the swinging single a myth?
2. Singles are no different than anyone else in their need and desire for meaningful relationships. Consider a good friendship you have been in or now enjoy. What made the relationship special? How can your understanding of intimacy influence your relationships?
3. So often our understanding of terms and concepts are in conflict with what is actually correct. A case in point is found in the word freedom. This word brings to mind a wide range of emotions, memories, and experiences. Describe a time in your life when you had a poor understanding of freedom and another time when you better understood what it meant to be free.
