What about Our Kids?

"You'd never recognize dear old dad!"

— Bronstein and Cowen, authors of Fatherhood Today

   Have you noticed lately how many babies and young children there are? We baby boomers are having our own boomer boom.

   I was working at a picnic table in a park near our home recently, trying to do some thinking and writing in a quiet, reflective atmosphere. All of a sudden, I heard an ominous roar. As I looked to see what all the noise was, I spotted an invading army of toddlers arriving on their big wheels. There must have been 50 kids, all between the ages of one and five, coming to enjoy the park with their baby-boomer moms. My quiet park! What a vivid reminder that was of the growing ranks of baby boomers with young families.

   We are seeing a boomer boom all across the land. In an article entitled, "Making Way for the New Generation," Theresa Forsman documents the rising birthrate among boomers. According to her figures, there are now more children under five in the country than at any time in the last twenty years. The Census Bureau has named this newest

Page 98

generation — whose numbers are expected to peak in the 1990s — the baby echo period. Grade schools are beginning to see the first increase in enrollment in 15 years; preschools and nurseries are overcrowded. Hospitals are reporting a 25 percent increase in births between 1976 and 1986 (Forsman 1987:8).

   Boomer babies have even made their presence known in the media. Little ones have suddenly become stars in popular TV shows and movies.

Conurturing Our Children

Cartoonist Gary Trudeau has been one of the most popular chroniclers of the baby-boom generation with his famous comic strip Doonesbury. In one episode Rick is trying to help his wife bathe their son. "Hi! Can I help?" asks Rick as he sees his wife struggling with the kid in the tub.

   "Help? No, you can't help," replies his wife in disgust. "Help implies that caring for our child is basically my responsibility, and that you're doing me a favor. Go out and try again." Poor Rick leaves the bathroom, dejected with head hung low.

   Then he returns to give it another try. "Hi! Can I conurture?"

   "No," she replies. ''You always get the floor wet" (Aug. 4, 1987).

   Today things are vastly different than they were when our parents were raising us. For one thing, fathers are much more involved in raising the children and doing housework, and many mothers work outside the home. I often take the kids to school, and since the birth of our twins, Donna and I often rotate who cooks dinner and who cleans up the dishes. It is a rare night that I don't drop into bed exhausted after another evening of conurturing.

   During the day, Donna and I both work — I work outside the home and she works inside — so in the evenings we share the work of the family. I suppose we have come to

Page 99

feel like many couples do today, that raising our children is a joint effort between two equal partners in the project. Aside from the question of who has more energy in the evening, my children need me to be involved in their lives during the few hours I see them each week. One researcher reports that one third of the fathers in our generation are totally involved in the chores and work of raising their families — a dramatic rise from our parents' generation where Mom did most of the child rearing. That is a good trend.

Changing Family Values

In the 1990s, baby-boomer families will be vastly different from the families they grew up in during the 1950s and '60s. Boomer families will include stepchildren and second marriages and all sorts of custody arrangements. Not long ago my son Mark came home from kindergarten with a funny story to tell me about what had happened on the playground. It reminded me again just how much times have changed since I was a kid. One of his buddies had found a penny on the ground and decided he didn't want it, so he said to my six-year-old, "Here, Mark, take this home to your daddy — if you have a daddy."

   Times are hard for many children as they see the security blanket of their parents ripped apart.

   What about the Christian family? Christian parents are often fighting an uphill battle against the secular trends in family values today. Just last night my wife came home from a mother-of-twins meeting with another example of secular values. Each month the club has a different speaker, and this particular month the speaker was an expert in sibling rivalry, with a Ph.D. in psychology. He told this group of 100 young mothers that the keys to effective parenting are hypnosis and discipline avoidance. Hypnosis is to help the parents relax, and discipline avoidance is to keep the children from being stunted in their development.

   This man encouraged parents not to discipline children

Page 100

for anything because they only misbehave to get attention; therefore, discipline reinforces their negative behavior. He stated that someday America will be like Sweden, a nation that has abolished all forms of child discipline. I was disgusted. God forbid that America would follow after Sweden, where the divorce rate is four times that of the U.S., where living together is the norm for young couples, and where much of the world's child pornography is produced.

   To be sure, baby-boomer Christians committed to raising young families in the late twentieth century are facing major pressures. The following list of positive and negative influences summarizes some of the major changes in the wind today:

Negative Forces:

Positive Forces:

Page 101

Do We Raise Our Children Like Our Parents Raised Us?

The older I get, the more I see the cycles of life. When we were young, we felt a strong generation gap and thought our parents were "out of it." Now that we are older, and parents ourselves, we tend to be just like they were when they raised us.

   As I get older, I can see my father's personality and mannerisms in me more and more. I'll say something to my kids or make a gesture and suddenly think, That sounds just like what Dad used to say to me! But in one area, I differ drastically from my father, and that is in how I relate to my children on an emotional and relational level.

   When I was growing up, Dad worked from 8:00 A.M. until 4:30 P.M. He left for work every morning at 7:30 and walked in the door at 5:00 in the evening. Dad expected dinner on the table when he walked in the door, and he got it. Afterward, he sat down in his easy chair and watched the news while we helped Mom clean up. Yes, we even brought Dad his slippers!

   I have never doubted my father's great love for me. He did so much for me, but in a way that was the problem in his generation. Many fathers showed their love for their children by providing for them, but often neglected being with them and getting to know them. Personal intimacy with parents has not been a strong element in the lives of most baby boomers.

   It was very hard for me to talk to my father because he

Page 102

never took the initiative. I frankly don't remember one intimate (as my generation defines the word) conversation I ever had with him . . . except the one that I forced on our relationship.

   My father died a few years ago, but sweet memories of him remain strong in my mind and heart. What I remember most about him is our last conversation.

   While working overseas in Vienna, Austria, we learned that my father was dying of cancer. We flew to be with him, knowing that it was just a matter of time before he would leave us. Finally, after a long visit, we had to get back to our work in Europe. The day before our final farewell, I decided I would do something 1 had never done before with him: I asked him to go out for coffee just to talk. Both of us knew that this was it — the final farewell in this life — but it was up to me to initiate the conversation if there was going to be any deep communion on this last sacred day.

   As we sat over coffee in that restaurant in Indianapolis, I forced myself to be the initiator with my father. If I had not taken the initiative, that conversation never would have happened. It seems logical to me that the parent should always be the one with the greatest interest in keeping a close parent-child relationship, but that is often not the case. So I forced myself to ask my father a question that reached down to the issues of the heart: "Dad, how are you feeling about what is happening to you?" I listened quietly as my father began to talk honestly about his struggles and fears. How I cherished his words.

   ''Vati (German for dad)," I told him that afternoon, "I want you to know that I consider it a privilege to be your son. It is an honor for me to be the son of Alfred Finzel, and I want you to know that I will always proudly be your son, even when you're gone. And not only do I respect you, Vati," I said as tears welled up in both our eyes, "I love you. Never forget that." That hour over coffee was a sacred moment for us because our souls touched as never before.

Page 103

   That was the first, and unfortunately, the last time my father and I ever talked on that level because he died one month after our conversation. He left me with warm memories of that last cherished moment of intimacy.

   I cannot forget my relationship with my father as I relate to my four children. Keeping in personal, intimate touch with the hearts of my three sons and sweet daughter is of utmost importance to me.

Parental Overkill: The Superkids Syndrome

In another Doonesbury cartoon, we are taken live to the Senate floor in Washington (Trudeau, Nov. 1, 1987):

Chairman: Mr. Secretary, forgive me for interrupting your testimony, but it's approaching 3:30, and I have to leave for my son's football game.

Mr. Secretary: I certainly understand, Mr. Chairman. I have two small children waiting for me myself.

Another Senator: As do I, Mr. Chairman. I'll have to excuse myself as well. I'm looking at a three-hour commute to get to my daughter's piano recital.

Chairman: Will the gentlemen yield?

Mr. Secretary: Of course, Senator.

Yet another Senator: Mr. Chairman, I, too, need to be excused. I've decided to leave public life altogether in order to spend more time with my family.

Chairman: Good luck to you, Senator. Okay, all those with family commitments are excused from the proceedings today. . . will those with messed up priorities please turn off the lights?

Page 104

   Before we leave the subject of boomers and their kids, I must speak to the issue of parental overkill that is a growing problem in our generation. Baby-boomer parents can become obsessive about their children. Time magazine reported this trend:

Romanticizing their little creations, they have scorned traditional names like Bob and Mary Sue in favor of more precious monikers like Justin and Kimberly. Keenly aware of the terrible competition that they had faced for college admission and jobs, Baby Boomer parents often start their children on absurdly premature cram courses for the college boards, turning out pint-size superachievers stuffed with scientific nostrums and violin lessons.

   It would be no small irony, of course, if their children respond to the pressure by turning into the adolescent rebels — just like their parents (Thomas 1986:36).

   Some parents are simply pushing their children too hard, not allowing them to enjoy the simple pleasures of childhood. Buzzwords among mothers, some trying to compete through their children, are enrichment, stimulation and head start. People are willing to pay thousands of dollars to put their children in high-pressure programs, some with uniforms and all, to make their little ones get the jump on their generation.

   Preschool-age children are being forced into reading programs and other academic pressures that used to wait until grade school. Toys-R-Us has a whole major section of its stores set aside for academic games and computers for kids. Bookstores report that activity workbooks like Fraction Action and See a Word, Say a Word used to be purchased only by schools ten years ago. Now, parents gobble them up, especially before the summer holidays for summer tutoring. One publisher reports that workbooks for pre-schoolers

Page 105

are selling so fast that they can't print them fast enough. "These people are terribly success-oriented, but they don't realize that any good books are educational," says Judy Sarick, owner of The Children's Bookstore in Toronto. "One parent actually asked me for an encyclopedia for a 2-year-old" (Maynard 1984:195).

   One survey I read asked parents in 1980 which quality they most desired in their children. Intelligence topped the list, followed closely by personality, then creativity, and imagination (Maynard 1984:194). What ever happened to trust, love, faith, honesty, and self-confidence? Aren't those the real building blocks for maturity?

What Should Be Different about Christian Parents?

As Christian parents, we must be careful not to let current baby-boomer values shape our thinking about raising children. Consider the following suggestions:

   1. We Christian parents should not allow society to push our children too fast. Let's give them time to enjoy the normal joys of childhood. That worked for us — and other generations — and it will work for our children. Too many parents today expect too much from their children and try to compete with their peers through their children.

   Children are forced to grow up too fast. They should instead be allowed to enjoy the simple life of play at home as long as possible. I remember spending lazy afternoons as a child playing cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers after school. Or we would play ball or get dirty in the backyard, digging for bugs. But now kids are so busy at such an early age. They rarely have time to be kids anymore.

   Those parents who choose to keep their kids at home until first grade, or even homeschool them, sometimes worry about whether they will fall behind or be socially underdeveloped. There is plenty of evidence that proves neither is the case. In fact, kids that stay home longer usually do better than kids raised in day-care centers because they

Page 106

have developed better self-confidence and biblical values. We have chosen to keep our kids home until kindergarten, but we're not worried about their academic development. Our rationale is that God intended for children to be at home when they are little; they need love, security, warmth, and protection — not a head crammed full of knowledge and skills by age four!

   In His childhood years, our Lord Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man. But we hear nothing of His childhood, other than that one time when He came out of obscurity to visit the temple. Then He goes back into seclusion until His ministry begins at age thirty.

   I conclude, arguing out of silence, that His earthly parents and His Heavenly Father allowed Him to be a kid. He learned the lessons all children must learn in the quietness of His home with Mary and Joseph. He no doubt learned to work hard by doing chores. Eventually, He became a carpenter by trade. He certainly had few enrichment courses growing up in tiny Nazareth. I imagine His parents had all that they needed to raise Him right — with love, care, and discipline — in a God-fearing home that was built on biblical principles of wisdom.

   2. Our children, especially in their early years, need to know we love them. Our love and personal attention create in them the trust and self-worth they will need to face the world later. Childhood expert Dr. Leo Lazer says that what children need most is to feel accepted and loved (Maynard 1984:202).

   Being a father of four myself, I am very concerned with the impact I have on my little ones. One way I try to learn how to do the job right is to poll effective fathers. I have taken a private survey of fathers whose children have turned out the way I want mine to turn out. Though the words are always different, there is a strong common theme in all their comments: "Spend more time with your children."

Page 107

   Parents always seem to think that there will be more time for the children later, in a few months or years, but there never is. My own father is gone now, but I still think about him often, especially the times I spent with him.

   3. Our children need us to talk to them, listen to them, and just be with them. My kids need me to talk to them, listen to them, and be available as part of their little world. My kids need me to play with them — something I try hard to do though it takes work on my part. They don't need things, and at early ages they don't need to be crammed full of knowledge and skills.

   I'll never forget the words of advice from my own father as we were having our first baby: "Hans, it's easy to make children but hard to raise them right."

   At times raising children right may require saying no in our careers. I can think of many times when I have had to do less than I could have done in my work for the sake of my family at home. I am not advocating irresponsibility at work; I am promoting putting family before career. In the pressure cooker of competition in many jobs, there is just more demanded of people than they have time to do. It is at those times that fathers and mothers may have to just say no — no to going the extra mile at work so they can walk the extra mile with their children. It may just be that the advances in our careers need to wait until the children are older. One piece of advice I heard sums it up well: "You'd better go fishing with your son today, or you'll go hunting for him tomorrow."

   Some parents are naive enough to think that it is not quantity but quality time that counts. But children don't work that way and need us often when it is not our planned time to be with them.

   Fortunately, many fathers are increasingly getting involved in the lives of their children-far beyond the traditional ball-tossing and coaching Little League. One idea I picked up from a friend is the practice of taking one of my

Page 108

children with me whenever I go on errands or short trips. It is more hassle for me, but it is such a joy for them to see Dad as he goes through the chores of his life. They need to enter into our world as much as we try to understand theirs. Our sons and daughters need Dad and Mom to read to them, pray with them, bathe and feed them (if they're little enough), enter into the world of their hobbies and interests, and willingly care for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

   Our children need us more than any material goods we can provide for them through our work. The more we rub shoulders with them in the nitty-gritty of life, the more our lives will be bonded to theirs, laying a solid foundation for their future.

   4. As we nurture our children, we must consider their uniqueness. In an article entitled "Are Baby Boom Mothers Pushing Their Kids Too Hard?" Rona Maynard offers this conclusion to fight the problem of the superkid syndrome:

Ultimately, the superkid mystique hurts all children and parents. It reduces childrearing, that most delicate and multifaceted of skills, to the search for absolutes: the right paraphernalia, the best program, the infallible performance-boosting techniques. It denies the uniqueness of every child and the right of every young person to shape a future that reflects personal goals — not simply parental ones (1984:202).

   We need to let kids be kids and be unique. I don't want to push my children but to nurture them. "Fathers," Paul writes, "do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged" (Col. 3:21).

   I view children as tender young plants in need of the nurturing food, water, and sunlight that we as parents can provide for them in a home filled with love, honesty, trust, and encouragement. As they rise out of the soil of our family,

Page 109

we will begin to see what sort of plants they are. As I watch our four plants sprout, I see that some grow quickly and some take it slow, like the difference between squash and an oak tree. Some will be tall and some may be short. Some will produce fruit and others flowers. What they become and how they produce in life is basically up to them; our job is to nurture their young lives in the secure garden of our home with the values of love, honesty, truth, grace, and forgiveness.

5. Children will thrive in a stable home. Experts agree that what children need most is the quiet, protective, warm, and loving environment of a stable home where Mom and Dad love each other and love them unconditionally.

   What do our children need most from us? The greatest thing I can do for my four kids is to love their mother. What that communicates to them is stability, security, protection, a feeling that everything is fine in our home because Mommy and Daddy are one. Break that unity and children fall apart emotionally and psychologically. We are kidding ourselves if we think it will work to ignore a rocky relationship with a spouse and focus only on our children.

   I placed this chapter on children after the one on marriage for a purpose. The one lays the foundation for the other. The better the marriage, the more stable the children. Children in many ways become the sum total of what they absorb from the environment in which they grow up. An unknown writer sums it up well:

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.

If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.

If a child lives with jealousy, she learns to feel guilty.

But, if a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be self-confident.

If a child lives with tolerance, she learns to be patient.

Page 110

If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative.

If a child lives with acceptance, she learns to love.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with honesty, she learns what truth is.

If a child lives with love, he learns that the world is a wonderful place to live in.

   My greatest concern for baby-boomer parents is that they are too busy. Families are so busy with activities, plans, and programs that there is little time left for those quiet moments of family togetherness. How can values be transmitted if we never see each other? Who will teach our children the values they take with them into adulthood? The teacher? The coach? The baby-sitters? The day-care staff? The Sunday School worker? Their peers?

   I often ask myself the question, "When my short time with them is done, what mark will I have left on my children?" It reminds me of the moving words of Abraham Lincoln: "A child is a person who is going to carry on what you have started. He is going to sit where you are sitting, and when you are gone, attend to those things which you think are important" (source unknown). What will I have communicated by my actions, as truly important?

Thinking It Through

1. Consider the ways parenting today might be different from the way it was in the '50s and '60s. List five positive changes and five negative changes you feel have taken place in the last 30 years.

2. Much was said in this chapter concerning the expectations boomer-parents are putting on their children, called the super-kid syndrome by some. In your opinion, is this a healthy or unhealthy trend? Why do you think so?

3. There has been an ongoing debate as to which is more

Page 111

important to spend with your kids: quantity time or quality time. The author's point is that parents must get involved in the lives of their kids. What have you done to get involved? Describe what else you can do to keep in touch with your kids.

Chapter 10  ||  Table of Contents