The Believing Love
Song
Gary and Linda believed they had a great marriage. They were two attractive people, young, energetic, as close to fulfilling their dream as anyone could hope to be. Gary was moving ahead professionally, they were ready to start a family, and they had a lot of friends from church whom they enjoyed regularly. As a couple, they enjoyed each other very much and always seemed to know how to get their needs met. In fact they had always been "winners." They were both used to getting their own way ever since childhood.
Yet with all of this going for them, there was one major problem in their relationship that neither of them could see. Because they had always known how to get what they wanted in life, they never learned to deal with tragedy and pain. As long as everything was going along fine, they were safe. Along with many other couples, however, Gary and Linda did not build their marriage on a belief system solid enough to sustain them through difficult times. They were married for three wonderful years before things started to change.
Linda was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She had no choice but to accept and deal with her illness. Gary, however, divorced her within the year. His expectation of an ideal life had
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been tampered with. He resented it. He couldn't face the fact that Linda would have to slow down and not be as available for him as she had been in the past. He had big plans for "getting ahead'' and Linda's condition would have interfered. He would have needed to make some adjustments in his lifestyle and help out more with what used to be all her responsibilities. Linda could no longer meet Gary's expectations.
What Gary believed about his marriage was not sufficient to keep him committed to it.
The strength of our marital commitment depends upon what it is that we believe about marriage. We cannot commit ourselves to something in which we do not believe. Therefore it is imperative that we have positive beliefs about our marriage in order to maximize its longevity. What we believe about marriage affects the strength of our marital commitment.
Weak marriages are built upon unrealistic expectations. I encounter these expectations regularly in my counseling practice. I want to list some of the more frequent ones because I believe they are important to recognize, inasmuch as they undermine marital commitment. Although my clients reveal their expectations in many cryptic ways, the uncoded version is usually something like what you are about to read.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE
1. "My mate will always be responsive to my needs." We would all like to have a mate who is responsive to our needs. However, it is unlikely that we shall ever experience being married to someone who meets all of our needs all of the time. It is not really possible for one person to be all things to another. If it were possible we would become very spoiled and so dependent that it would be a very difficult adjustment to make if we were ever to lose such a spouse. Furthermore, in order to truly
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appreciate what our mate does give us, we occasionally need to experience unmet needs.
Expecting our mate to always meet our needs undermines our commitment to marriage when it happens that our mate doesn't meet our expectations.
2. "If I am willing to give, so will my mate." At best this notion recognizes that giving in marriage is important. At worst, this person may get upset and feel unloved if the other one does not reciprocate in the time and manner that he or she would like.
"Giving to get" is not giving at all. The problem with this belief is that giving seems conditional upon getting something back. A true gift demands nothing in return. Marriage is for giving what we are able to give and for receiving whatever there is to receive. Giving to our mate is an opportunity to sing our love song.
It is unrealistic to expect our mate to echo our love song every time we sing it. Love does not require an echo. Love seeks no guarantees. Love seeks the ultimate good for the beloved. Of course we can expect to be loved, but not necessarily in return for what we have specifically given. We expect to be loved because our mate has demonstrated in the past that he or she does in fact love us. Love is not a reward. It is not something for which we bargain or perform. It is merely received when offered.
Many of us feel from time to time that we are doing all of the giving. We may be. And at the risk of sounding like a broken record, let me say once again: we can ask for what we want.
However, our responsibility is not to keep score, but to nurture ourselves in a variety of constructive ways in order to give without resenting it or demanding something back. Love does not give on a conditional basis. Marital commitment based upon getting back in equal portions is a fragile commitment.
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3. "Our love will enable us to feel the same about everything." If two people (especially a male and a female) ever feel the same about everything, then one of them is asleep! They may have a high level of agreement, but to agree on everything suggests that somebody is being very passive. Passivity may make the dominant person feel in charge, but such dominance is preventing the passive individual from becoming a complete person. It is unfortunate that so many people have been reared, even in Christian homes, to think that to love and serve others means to be a "nothing" or a "nobody" without any personal opinions or desires.
Christian maturity involves having a strong sense of who we are, with definite opinions, strong convictions, and clear needs, all of which we bring into subjection to Christ. Becoming a disciple of Jesus is not possible if we do not have a sense of our self, a self that can choose to serve him.
The passive person is taking the easy way out. By being a "nothing," there is no risk in giving oneself away. The problem is that society gets exactly that too. . . nothing. Christian maturity involves becoming a full self, subservient to Christ and submitting to each other in love.
The need to agree on everything is an unsound basis for a marital commitment. Disagreement helps keep us alert as we reevaluate our position on matters of mutual concern. The problem comes when one or both has to be seen as right because we are too insecure to risk being seen as wrong. However, love does not have to be right, for love is honest and just and seeks only the truth.
If you and your mate do feel the same about everything, you might consider whether or not one of you does all the thinking for both of you.
4. "I can change my spouse over time." Some people marry thinking that those little obnoxious "quirks" of their mate will
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go away over time with the "right kind of supervision." Maybe they will and maybe they won't.
We often want our mate to change so we will be comfortable. It is always easier to expect the other to change than for us to take responsibility for dealing with our own feelings about things that our spouse does.
If, for example, you don't like the fact that your wife leaves all the lights on in the house even when they are not needed, you have three options: (1) Turn them out yourself. (2) Ask her to turn them out when not using them. (3) Let the lights burn until you figure out what really bugs you about it. Is it really that costly? Were your parents stingy with lighting? Are you taking it personally by feeling that she is doing it just to bug you? Or is it possible that it just isn't important to her? When you realize that you are simply two different people with two different backgrounds, it may become easier to accept her way, once you have shared your feelings with her.
Is wanting to change our mate a sound basis for commitment to our marriage? What happens to our marital commitment if there is no change?
Christian marriage is an arrangement where two people can both enjoy being loved and accepted for who they are without having to change to be acceptable, although we are free to change. We cannot control what our spouse does. We can, however, take responsibility for our own behavior and act accepting of our mate as a person.
5. "My mate should know what I want without my having to ask." I frequently encounter couples in my counseling practice who find it very difficult to ask for what they want. Some people aren't sure what they want in the first place. They just rely on their mate to make them happy.
Others know what they want but absolutely refuse to reveal it. If you can't figure out what they want, you just don't love
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them enough, or so it would seem. Many of us are very sensitive and easily hurt when we perceive ourselves being rejected. To ask for something that might not be granted would be very threatening. So we don't ask for something that we are afraid we might not get.
When we were infants, Mom had a way of knowing what we needed even though we were too young to speak. Some of us even had very attentive and responsive parents as we grew older. If this was overdone, however, we learned to expect that same treatment from other people, especially our spouses.
This leads us into unrealistic expectations of our mate.
It is a big shock to realize that our mate does not have the same notion that we do about asking for what is wanted. This is an important issue to clear up between you since unfulfilled expectations can undermine marital commitment.
6. "If I must ask for what I want, I should get it.'' Some of us want the security of knowing that we will get what we want, without refusal, rejection, or humiliation. Of course, this expectation is not what committed marriages are built upon. As we have noted in other contexts, love expresses itself regardless of what comes back. Love does not seek the security of guarantees, because love's priority is that it be expressed, not that it be accepted.
Of course we all want to be accepted. However, as soon as we attach the conditional strings of security to our love, we undermine our love. For love has no strings attached, requires no security, and is not afraid. Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind (see 2 Timothy 1:7).
7. ''We shouldn't have to discuss unpleasant things.'' Nobody would be so naive as to actually say this, yet many of us show that we believe it by avoiding certain issues.
Some of us don't like to face up to problems because we feel
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inadequate in trying to solve them. Some husbands, for example, would rather have their wives handle the child's medical emergency without discussing it. Or a wife might not want to hear about how her husband could lose his job. She just wants him to handle it. Obviously ignoring such problems doesn't make them go away.
But marriage is a partnership where two people share in the joys and the burdens of life together. Marital devotion based upon the avoidance of uncomfortable conversation does not provide a strong base for marital commitment. When problems can no longer be avoided, we may avoid the marriage.
8. "If my spouse loves me, he or she will do what I want." This is the most unrealistic belief of all. The person who expects this is saying that whatever we value is what our spouse should do for us. We should always remember that love cannot be controlled. It can only be received. We cannot tell our mate how to love us. We must learn to listen for our mate's own love song just as he or she must learn to listen for our love song.
Although we can let our mate know what our favorite songs are, we are not acting in love if we demand they perform to our satisfaction. One of our love songs to our mate is to accept the love song he or she sings to us.
Marital commitment based upon the other's performance is dangerous. What happens when the other does not meet our expectations? Do we blame and criticize our mate for not being what we think he or she should be? Or do we give our spouse the same level of acceptance that we ourselves so desire from our beloved?
The problem with these unrealistic expectations in marriage is that they are self-centered needs, dependent upon our partner for satisfaction. If we are committed to marriage because of these expectations, what happens when these expectations are not met? People are leaving relationships right and left because
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they aren't getting what they have wanted. When their needs are not getting met, they can no longer see the value of being married. If the extent of our belief about our marriage is limited to the expectation of satisfying our personal needs, then our relationship is on thin ice.
People who hold to these expectations usually do not realize that they are doing so. They act them out without even thinking about it. So I challenge you to ask your mate if he or she thinks you have any of these expectations.
In his book, Habits of the Heart, Robert Bellah speaks at length about the individualistic trend in our society.1 We have become a nation of people who want what we want when we want it. We are used to getting our way and getting it quickly. "Fast food" and "fast relationships" are characteristic of our times. The consequences of this "quick fix" mentality are that we are so used to getting what we want that we don't know how to handle frustration, disappointment, and emotional pain. We are too quick to assume that there can be no real value or benefit in our momentary suffering. We are so used to running from discomfort that people think we are crazy if we speak of what we have learned from our painful experiences. Sadly some of us will never find the joy behind our suffering because we aren't willing to face it long enough to discover what it will teach us about ourselves. If we have some sense of the meaning and purpose of our pain, we will be much stronger in our response to it.
Joy can be found in suffering with a purpose. We can lovingly accept our mate's inability to meet certain of our needs. We can find joy in this because God's love in us is greater than our fear, frustration, and unresolved tensions.
Marital commitment is only as strong as a husband and wife's combined convictions about their marriage. Both parties must believe in something about their relationship that is more stable than personal-need satisfaction. If our marital commitment is based solely upon getting specific forms of love, comfort, and
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attention from our mate, then we have little motivation to sustain our marriage when those ideals are not available to us.
It is my conviction that our marital commitment can only be as strong as our beliefs about our marriage. When I ask people what they believe about their marriage, they have a difficult time answering the question. I am going to share with you some beliefs that I consider to be basic and important for every Christian couple. Subscribing to these beliefs will lead us toward more realistic expectations in our marriage and strengthen our own marital commitment.
CHRISTIAN BELIEFS ABOUT MARRIAGE
1. Marital commitment is a promise to devote ourselves to the preservation of our marriage regardless of changing feelings or circumstances. If we believe that the meaning of our marriage embraces more than the fulfillment of our own personal needs, then our marital commitment will rest upon a strong foundation when our own personal needs are not fully being met.
2. The strongest motivation for marital commitment lies in the belief that "it is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35). This is not to imply that receiving is not important, for if nobody received, giving would have no meaning. We need to balance giving with receiving. Yet choosing to give to others is ultimately more joyous than receiving for ourselves. Love is the happiest when it is giving because giving is the nature of love. As obedient children of God we are happiest fulfilling our created purpose of giving love.
3. God's greatest commandment to us is to love him and others as ourselves (see Matthew 22:37-39). Our love for God is demonstrated by our obedience to him in loving our mate
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and others. According to the Bible, the way we treat our mate and other people is the way we are treating God (see Matthew 25:40). Love is the fulfillment of God's law (see Romans 13:8).
4. Loving our mate and others in obedience to God is actually an act of worship toward God. Matthew 25:40 quotes Jesus as saying, "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."
Furthermore, Romans 12:1 tells us that it is a spiritual act of worship to offer our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. Loving is often sacrificial. It often means putting our mate's needs ahead of our own.
5. Loving each other is a testimony to the world of God's love. "The fruit of the Spirit" includes love (Gal 5:22). We are told in John 13:35, "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
We are told in 1 Corinthians 13:1 that without love, our lives are just a lot of noise. Real love, on the other hand, tells the world that God is alive and well in those of us who demonstrate his love in our lives. We can strengthen our marital commitment by realizing that marriage is an opportunity to present God's love to the world.
6. God wants to love us through each other. One of the ways God demonstrates his love toward us is through our mate. God wants to love us through our mate and he wants to love our mate through us. We are told in 1 John 3:24 that "those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them."
Believing that God wants to love us through each other keeps us aware of the importance of marital commitment in God's ultimate purpose for us.
7. Loving gives our lives significance. We all want to feel important. We all want to be recognized and treated as if our
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life matters to somebody. We want credit for what we do. We want to be loved and wanted by others. We desire to feel accepted (even though we don't always accept others). Acceptance and recognition seem to be great needs in our society.
Our greatest significance comes not from being loved, but in giving love. People need our love. This means that the most important people in the world are those who give love to others. If we want to feel important to our mate, we need to love our mate, purposefully. However, it is not our mate's validating response that we must have to feel important, but rather our belief that God's love in us has a powerful and positive effect on others. Our life is significant in passing God's love on to our mate regardless of the response we receive.
I have known many clients who have held themselves back from giving love because of their low self-esteem. They couldn't believe that their love was significant enough to impact their spouse's life in any meaningful way. By not reaching out, they deprived their mate of love, in the process undermining their own significance as one who loves. We need to act in faith and not allow our negative feelings to keep us from opportunities for loving.
The road to positive self-esteem is a long and difficult one for those who have been criticized or rejected in their younger years. However, my experience has taught me that the key to recovery is choosing to believe in God's love for us rather than believing our negatively trained emotions. This may require counseling, support, and a relationship where we can experience acceptance of our thoughts and feelings while still being accountable for our behavior. This help can come though a counselor, friend, and our relationship with God. Praying regularly is essential to keep us in touch with God's loving acceptance.
8. Together, our lives are blessed differently than if we are apart because we can do things together that we cannot do
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alone. We can work together as servants of God in ministry to other couples. We can support each other in our mate's individual ministry. We can bring the best out in each other and encourage our mate to reach his or her full potential to glorify God. Believing this will strengthen our marital commitment.
9. Marriage is a gift from God. Our mate is a gift from God. Obviously, everyone doesn't believe this. Some feel their marriage was a mistake.
However, changing our self-image from "victim" to "lover" and viewing our mate as an opportunity for us to participate in God's expression of love is the kind of belief and perspective that strengthens our marital commitment.
10. For our spouse to benefit from it, love must be expressed in behavior. In the New Testament, beliefs and actions are considered synonymous. It is assumed that we will act upon what we believe. First John 3:18 tells us not to "love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
Acting on the belief that love is a behavior will strengthen our marital commitment because such behavior will generate loving feelings. When our belief in love is acted upon, loving feelings are the eventual result.
At the same time, we are warned in Romans 12:9 that love must be sincere. Acting loving even if we do not feel loving at the moment is sincere as long as we believe it is the right thing to do. As Christians we are commanded to do it. It is our belief that must be sincere, not our feeling. We are to love even our enemies, not because we feel like it, but because we believe it is right to obey Christ who gave us the command.
11. Our marital commitment can be strengthened by believing that true love is unconditional. God does not accept us according to our level of performance or how we look. First
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Samuel 16:7 tells us, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
God loves us just for being, and he wants us to love our mate from the same perspective. How old our mate is or how young he or she looks is irrelevant to God and should be to us as well. Our love must not depend upon how we are treated or how well our mate satisfies us. To love unconditionally means to act loving to our mate regardless of the immediate circumstances. Even if our mate is hurting our feelings, we are not to retaliate, although we may indicate that we experience the actions as hurtful.
Although the guiding principle must always be unconditional love, it is important to understand that love is not indulgent or always ''nice'' to get our mate's approval. There are occasions where love must be tough.2
We are told in 1 Corinthians 16:14 to "do everything in love." In Matthew 5:44, Jesus tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Love is always the guideline for living. Even if our mate is the "enemy" at the moment, we are to love him or her with our attitude and our actions.
Believing in unconditional love is the first step toward living it. Our marital commitment is strengthened by belief in the unconditional nature of love.
12. The ability to love our mate and others comes from a relationship with God. If we believe that we have a close relationship with God, we will seek to honor him through loving our mate. It is difficult to love God and not love our mate.
The Bible tells us that God is love (see 1 John 4:16). God desires to live in us and love our mate through us. When we love each other, God's love is made complete in us (see 1 John 4:12).
Our relationship with God, however, is interrupted by our
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human tendency to act and live independent of God (see Romans 3:23). This alienates us from the very Source of love. As we seek to live our lives apart from God, our capacity to love our mate is undermined. Independence from God leads us to spiritual death (see Romans 6:23) and marital ruin.
God knew we would need more than this conviction in order to live lives of love. Because he knew that we could not have life independent from his love, he reached out to touch our hearts with it. Christ gave up his life for us that all who believe in him will have their relationship with God restored (see John 3:16). Jesus Christ is the bridge back to God (see 1 Timothy 2:5; John 14:6) as well as the bridge back to our mate and to our broken relationships. We love God because he first loved us (see 1 John 4:19). Christ's love then compels us to love our mate with a committed love. Since Christ died in our place we should no longer live for ourselves, but for Christ (see 2 Corinthians 5:14-15).
What we believe about marriage, God, and our own purpose in life holds the key to marital commitment. If we truly believe the tenets above, they will strengthen our ability to go the distance in our marriage. Believing in these principles gives our marriage direction, purpose, endurance, and stability to rise above the stress and strain of relational problems.
Believing that marriage is more about giving than getting redefines our personal expectations. When our dreams are not fulfilled, we need not view our marriage as a mistake.
Commitment is the stabilizing force that steadies our relationship when troubles threaten to swamp our marriage. When the winds of passion fail to fill the sail of our lovebeat, commitment is the auxiliary engine that keeps us from drifting off course. In fact commitment pushes us toward fresh new currents of wind, restoring passion and motivating us toward intimate loving.
Being committed to our marriage by treating our mate with love is an opportunity for us to fulfill our created purpose and be joyfully connected to God's eternal love song.
Let us briefly consider how the primary love songs of passion, intimacy, and commitment harmonize together.
