The Responsible Love
Song
When we choose to live a responsible love song, we assume responsibility for our own attitudes and actions. It is common to blame our partner for how we feel about what they have said to us. But the truth of the matter is that no matter what he or she has done to stimulate our feelings, it is up to us to decide if we will allow that feeling to control our actions, or whether we will take control of our actions regardless of how we feel. The responsible love song does not blame the other, but assumes responsibility for acting with love and self-control. We have discussed that to keep passion alive we must act loving, even when we do not feel like doing so. More specifically, there are at least twelve ways in which we can accept responsibility for this.
1. We can forgive our mate. One of the biggest enemies of positive passion is resentment. When our feelings have been hurt by our mate, it is difficult to get excited about being close. Hurt feelings push us away from those who hurt us. The only passion we can have will be negative and destructive unless we become willing to accept our pain and give up our resentment.
Paula was in pain over Randy's lack of attention. She resented him for this but did not talk about it initially. Paula eventually
Page 26
realized, however, that she needed to talk about it. Once Randy became aware of her feelings, he could do something about it. Paula needed to forgive Randy for his preoccupation with work and allow him the opportunity to understand her needs.
This may seem obvious on the surface, but many of us hold onto our resentments and do not give our spouse a chance to really understand us. Instead of revealing our concern in a kind way, we may become defensive and blaming because we don't really expect our mate to care about us. We are so convinced that our spouses don't care that we don't give them a chance to relate to our concerns. We are afraid of getting hurt again. Fortunately for Paula, she was willing to take the risk with Randy by sharing her feelings, even though it was difficult for her to do so.
If we are to take responsibility for maintaining our desire for closeness to our mate, we must learn to forgive. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful love songs that we can ever sing. Forgiveness clears the air and presents us with a fresh start. Without forgiveness, we cannot nurture positive passion. By forgiving, we are making a statement that we value our relationship together enough to manage our own pain—for the sake of the relationship. The process of forgiving will be discussed in a subsequent chapter.
2. We can accept our own needs and feelings. Some of us have grown up ignoring our own interests and desires. We were taught to live only for others rather than for ourselves. When this happens, we don't develop a sense of our real self to share with anyone. For passion to exist, we must view our needs and feelings as legitimate. The tension of unmet needs creates desire. If we reject our right to have human needs and feelings, we lose our desire and zest for life.
Paula found support in counseling to accept responsibility for expressing her emotional needs. She became more outspoken about her feelings. This in turn helped her to discover her passionate self, which had "fallen asleep."
Page 27
As she realized it was okay to ask Randy for attention, she gradually began to feel the return of her desire for him. On one occasion she said, "Randy, I would like to get your reaction to something. When can we have some time to talk together?" His curiosity and response were immediate. "Let's talk now, honey. What's on your mind?"
I once counseled another woman who had put her own needs and feelings "on the shelf" to cater to every whim of her minister husband. She would immediately drop whatever she was doing to respond to his needs. It was never the other way around because she never expressed any needs or interests of her own. The result was that her husband did not feel important to her because he didn't know how to give to an unneedy woman. He began to lose respect for her because she didn't seem to respect herself enough to claim her own needs for emotional support, security, affection, and understanding. There had been no passion in this marriage for over thirty years.
3. We can focus on our mate's positive qualities. For some reason it is easier to take our mate's good qualities for granted and focus on his or her negative traits. How we think about our mate is going to affect how we relate to him or her. Although we cannot deny that certain negative characteristics exist, we need not dwell on them. Rather it is more constructive to focus on the good in our mate. This will help us desire to be closer.
I once saw an acting teacher demonstrate to her class how she would play a romantic role with an actor toward whom she had a personal aversion. She looked carefully for one thing about that person that she could physically admire. She decided to focus on his ear. She temporarily focused on how beautiful his ear was to her. When it was time to play the part on camera, you would never have known that she disliked that person. She had a temporary goal as an actress, but we have a more permanent goal of maintaining positive feelings toward our mate. Fixating on our spouse's ear may work for a few minutes on camera. But we need to do more than that for our marriage.
Page 28
Paula made a list of all of Randy's positive qualities. He was hardworking, understanding, motivated, a good father, and had Christian values. It was helpful for Paula to reflect upon his positive traits.
See how we can influence our feelings when we put our minds to it? We can't wait until it feels "right" or natural. We have to decide what we want and start acting the way we want to feel.
4. We can remember both our good times and our struggles. It is not good to live in the past. We need to be creating new experiences together in our present. Yet occasional reflection upon our history together can rekindle our feelings toward our mate. The laughter, the embarrassing moments, the crises and the struggles we have faced together all can stir our hearts to seek more experiences of togetherness in the present.
Arleen and I enjoy looking back over the years since we moved to Orange County, from Los Angeles. As soon as we were married, her grandmother lived with us for two years. This wasn't exactly how we had planned to spend our first years of marriage. As grandmother declined, it became stressful on both of us. We struggled together about what to do next.
For eighteen months, Arleen commuted seventy miles each way to work in Los Angeles, while I started up my counseling practice in Mission Viejo. It was exhausting, and I hated to see her work so hard, but we had agreed it was the best thing to do for the short term. After we moved, our condominium in Los Angeles sat empty for one year before it sold. To this day I can't figure out how we managed financially. But God worked everything out. Finally Arleen was offered a local job with a sizeable pay increase—which she turned down to go back to school. I was on my knees a lot then. I couldn't imagine going through all that we did without God's help.
Our faith was strong but so was our anxiety. Neither one of us would have attempted all of this alone. But together we work as a team to reach our common goals. Most of what we do is a joint decision from decorating the house to where we will travel.
Page 29
If we disagree, we either find ways to compromise or we don't move ahead. The tougher the challenge, the harder we support each other and the closer we become. Remembering all of this helps keep our passion for each other alive.
In sharing this story with Paula and Randy in counseling, they began to realize the many experiences that were bonding them together, stimulating their desire to create new and intimate experiences together. Unless we allow ourselves to remember our positive experiences, these memories cannot nurture our passion.
5. We can listen for our mate's love song. Sometimes we get discouraged and lose our passion because we aren't hearing the love song that we are hoping to hear from our mate. We want our mate to love us the way that we think we should be loved. When our expectations aren't met, we feel disappointed.
Paula was so focused upon her need to have Randy's attention that she couldn't hear the love song Randy was already singing to her. Although she had a right to her need for attention, she wasn't initially giving Randy credit for his hard work to provide for her and the family.
Our passion can be restored or enhanced by realizing that our mate really is singing a love song, and we simply haven't been hearing it. We can only enjoy a love song when we notice it. So we must listen carefully for what our partner is singing to us and enjoy it for what it is. Do you suppose your mate is singing a love song that you aren't hearing?
We don't have a right to tell our mate what love song to sing. We can ask for what we want, but we must give credit for his or her efforts without judging the limits of the repertoire.
6. We can rejoice in the expression of our own love. God cares about relationships. God is love and love creates relationships. I find it exciting to think that I can participate in God's creative purpose by building a loving relationship with my wife.
Whenever we are building a relationship with love, we are
Page 30
participating in God's creative purpose. "Love is the fulfillment of the law" (Rom 13:10).
Paula needs and deserves Randy's attention, but she can also find meaning through encouraging Randy in his professional development while also revealing her needs in a kind, non-blaming manner. This is easier to do if she considers how God has given her an amazing opportunity to be a vehicle of his love to Randy.
Thus far, all of the suggestions for increasing passion in ourselves have had to do with how we should think. The remaining suggestions have more to do with how we should behave toward our mate so that our own desire to be close will remain strong.
7. We can plan to enjoy things together. Our desire to be close to our spouse is enhanced if we think about the other person in the context of doing activities that we both enjoy. It helps our mental attitude toward our spouse to do something together that is exciting or pleasurable. A good example of this may be going on a vacation together. Of course we can't do that every week, but it illustrates taking advantage of the positive emotional association to help us enjoy and move closer to each other.
Although the activity in itself must be something we will enjoy, part of the value of the activity lies in the positive association of an enjoyable time with our partner. Maybe we can borrow someone's cabin in the mountains for a weekend or barbecue steaks at the beach. We might get together with a "passionate" couple from church. Sometimes being around loving people can help us act more loving and outgoing. We can plan outings to a museum, a concert, a sports event, or a scenic spot. We will begin to have something to look forward to doing together. By having fun together, we can rebuild desire for closeness and hope for the future.
An important factor in the success of this exercise is adopting a proper attitude. An openness to trying new behaviors is essential even when it doesn't feel comfortable. One couple went
Page 31
through the motions of going for a drive together because it was something I had recommended. However, they both resented the exercise. Needless to say the exercise didn't improve relations between any of us.
8. We can spend time alone, apart from our spouse. Passion is heightened by separateness. Does that sound like a contradiction? You will notice that when the desire to be close is satisfied, passion tends to decrease temporarily. When we are alone for a period, our desire to be together tends to increase again. Too much closeness can suffocate passion, but time alone can help regenerate our desire for our mate.
I frequently counsel with people who don't seem to enjoy being alone. I am not advocating a hermit lifestyle. However, I believe that until we are comfortable being alone with ourselves, our marriage will be lacking. People who desperately need others around them tend to depend too much on their mate to help them relax.
In counseling Dick, for example, I learned that he does not like living alone. He has been engaged four times in the past six months. He is too anxious to get married. The women to whom he commits himself begin to feel his desperation; all four of them have broken their engagements. What Dick needs to do is develop confidence in himself, that he is an okay person, capable of meeting his own needs, and capable of enjoying a woman in marriage without having to lean on her excessively. When he is comfortable with himself as a single individual, he will have more to bring to the relationship when he does marry.
My wife and I always look forward to seeing each other and sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. However, there are times when we need solitude and are perfectly content to pursue independently our own projects and interests. When we are apart longer than one of us cares to be, we seek each other out.
There is no rigid formula for how much to be together or apart. It depends upon what is best for each of you. The point is
Page 32
that being apart helps build your desire to be together.
9. We can ask for what we want. By asking for what we want, we are increasing the odds of our being satisfied in the relationship. When we have developed a track record of meeting our needs through asking, our affection for our mate increases naturally.
Getting what we want is not the only reason for asking, however. By asking for what we want we are affirming our spouse as having something of value to give, if he or she so chooses.
Asking for what we want doesn't guarantee that we will get it. But if we don't ask, we almost certainly won't get it. Even if we do not get what we want, we have revealed our interest so that our mate can know us a little better.
Asking for what we want affirms our right to have personal desires. Expressing those desires affirms our intention of increased closeness as a couple. Asking trains us to think in terms of our own legitimate needs. If this sounds selfish, it is, but there is a constructive kind of selfishness that is not out to use others or ignore their needs. Constructive selfishness is simply taking responsibility for meeting our own needs.
For example, when Paula goes out with her girlfriends, she leaves her children with a sitter a few hours at a time. This "selfishness" on her part is constructive, because it gives her important time with nurturing friends so that she can better nurture her children when she is with them. By taking responsibility for meeting her own needs, Paula is better able to meet the needs of others.
Sometimes when I come home from work, after listening to people all day, I need more quiet time to wind down than in the ten minutes it takes me to drive home. My wife likes to start talking things over as soon as we see each other. I usually spend a few minutes with her before I tell her I need to do some things in my office for awhile. I let her know that I want to continue discussing things with her and will rejoin her in about thirty minutes. Once I get my head together, being with her is the best part of my day.
Page 33
My wife is very good at asking for what she wants. She knows that I would give her the moon if I could. But she also knows that I am not in a position to give her everything she wants. She loves me anyway, which makes me want to give her all I can. Asking for what she wants is constructive since she doesn't make demands. Her capacity to want something, yet do without, is a mark of her maturity. By asking, she is revealing to me a little more of who she is.
10. We can give and receive affection. Some of us are, by nature, more affectionate than others. Those of us who are unaffectionate may find it difficult to express our feelings of love and caring openly, but this does not mean that we do not feel passionately. Unfortunately what we do feel doesn't benefit the more affectionate person if it is not openly expressed.
Our present behaviors are a function of past learning. Although it is possible to change behaviors, the conditioned response of our feelings is more than some of us want to tackle. For those of us who are willing to risk the discomfort of expressing affection in ways that may not be natural for us, there is a reward. But it may be slow in coming. People tend to give up on changing their behaviors because it takes too long before they actually feel comfortable expressing affection. However, there is the reward of experiencing new feelings of desire for those who persevere.
Not everyone will be motivated to develop this desire. However, if we have married someone who already had this desire for affection, our responsible love song will make an effort to meet our mate's needs for affection and seek to find enjoyment in it for ourselves as well. We will find that new feelings eventually follow from new behavior.
Of course I am not proposing that we force our affection upon our mate when he or she is not open to it. We must be sensitive to our spouse's feelings or we defeat our purpose. Acting affectionate in the broadest sense toward the other person can, however, have a positive effect on both parties.
Page 34
We may be encouraged to discover that our expression of affection brings a surprisingly positive response. Even if our mate's response is negative, we have taken a responsible step in demonstrating love. Agape love needs no reward for expressing itself.
11. We can affirm our mate's love for us. It is important for our spouses to know that we appreciate their love. We should not take this for granted. By saying it, we are taking a step toward letting ourselves be positively affected by that person's love. This further opens the door for desire to grow within us.
This is what Paula did when she eventually said to Randy, "I appreciate your hard work, Randy, even though I would still like to have more time with you. I know you love me and that is very important to me."
In affirming our mate in this way, we are also reinforcing in our own mind an awareness that we are loved and that there is something of value for us in this relationship. Furthermore, by affirming our mate's love for us we are again accepting our own need for love as valid. The more we accept our need, the more desire we can allow ourselves to feel.
Passion is desire. It stimulates intimacy. Passion is basically selfish, but this desire is a compliment to the beloved who is desired so greatly. Each time we affirm our mate's love, we keep ourselves open to our desire to be close as a couple.
12. We can try to sing our mate's favorite love songs. Although we are free to show our love in our own unique way, we are also free to do some of the loving things that our partner enjoys most. My wife happens to like French bread and a particular brand of chocolate chip ice cream. Some days I will come home with these favorites of hers as a way of letting her know that I think about her. Her preferences are important to me. Bringing her well-chosen gifts is an action that stirs up my loving feelings for her.
What love songs would your mate like to experience from
Page 35
you? A back rub? A walk on the beach together? Flowers? Planning a weekend away for just the two of you? Calling your mate at work just to say "I love you"? Arranging for the kids to spend the night with their grandparents so you can be alone together?
These loving behaviors, however, should not be done out of our need for approval. This world is too full of people jumping through each other's hoops in order to get a validating response. This is not love. Agape love does not give to get.
By singing our mate's favorite love songs, we are acting toward him or her in a caring way simply because we believe in love. Increasingly loving feelings are a side benefit.
* * * * * * *
If we really want to cultivate passionate feelings in ourselves, we can do it by taking responsibility for our behavior. We can choose to think and act with passion. The difficulty at this point is that most of us are wanting to feel passionate before we are willing to act passionately. We want our passion to be a spontaneous, natural occurrence. As we consider acting differently from the way we feel, the internal resistance we experience comes from prior training and habits formed over the years. To break these behavior patterns requires our conscious effort. Eventually, repetition enables us to acquire a new mind-set, which assumes a spontaneity all its own and no longer seems forced or contrived.
This chapter has described twelve ways we can purposefully cultivate marital passion—in ourselves. To improve any marriage, we must begin with ourselves. This is the responsible love song. Only after we have formed new habits and firmed up our own intention to cultivate passion in our marriage, are we ready to consider ways to encourage passion in our mate. This will be our consideration in the next chapter.
