The Encouraging Love
Song
Paula was alone when she came to my office for one session. She had been working with some success on developing her own feelings of passion. Now she wanted to know what she could do to encourage Randy to become more passionate. Because of her own success with herself, she was hopeful that he also could develop a greater desire for mutual intimacy.
There is a difference between actively trying to change our mate and creating an environment that promotes whatever growth he or she may wish to experience. If we are seeking ways for our partner to become more passionate, we are wise to lead the way rather than to make demands on the other person. If we have the proper attitude of setting an example and showing appreciation for our mate's loving behaviors, we can support him or her in the direction of demonstrating more passion. Our mate needs to feel accepted or we will meet with resistance. We must not manipulate the people just to please ourselves.
What can we specifically do then, to encourage our partners in becoming more passionate—without nagging, which would only undermine our purpose? Here are twelve positive approaches.
1. We can develop our own passion. Attitudes can be catching. If we set an example with our own life, we are communicating that passion is important to us. Furthermore, we may well stimulate him or her into responding in a pleasing way if we can
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demonstrate passion without blaming our mate for being less passionate than we would like. It is important to take a kind of joy in our own passionate behavior that is independent of our partner's validating response. If we enjoy our passion, so might our mate.
Although it made her feel a little vulnerable, Paula was willing to reveal her own passion with Randy. She initiated "date night" and planned activities they could both enjoy doing together. She talked openly about her feelings and asked him questions to help him do the same.
If we want to encourage passion in our husband or wife, we need to take responsibility for letting our own passion show. It may seem easier to wait for the other person to take the lead, but taking the initiative ourselves is an outgrowth of developing our own passion.
2. We can be sensitive to our mate's physical and emotional needs. We sing our love song by paying attention to our mate's priorities and preferences. In all likelihood, we prefer different kinds of physical activity or emotional expression from each other. For that reason, we need to try to find a balance, so that both of us can find some satisfaction. However, we must make sure we are paying close enough attention to our beloved to know what his or her needs and preferences really are.
Randy, for example, works hard, comes home tired and brain dead from problem-solving all day. He is running scared at work to keep ahead of his competition and is worried about their personal finances. By being sensitive to Randy's concerns, Paula can encourage in him feelings of desire toward her. She might prepare meals she knows he enjoys, massage his sore muscles, play his favorite music, praise him for his qualities, or offer to get a part-time job.
How can we become more sensitive to another's needs? What kinds of needs are there? Some of us like to have time alone to think while others prefer frequent socializing. Some need the security of time to plan events while others prefer to be
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more spontaneous. Some are physically active; others are more sedentary. Some like to receive a lot of external stimulation while others prefer to be the stimulators. Some like routine while others prefer variety.
Take, for example, George and Mary. They came in for counseling because they were constantly fighting. Their most recent fight was over their vacation. Mary wanted every detail planned in advance. She doesn't like surprises. On the other hand George likes the freedom to be spontaneous and do what he feels like doing at the moment. Overplanning ruins a vacation for him. The only solution was to reveal these feelings and come to a compromise. When each of them discovered that they cared about the other's feelings and strong preferences, they felt more passionate toward each other than when they thought the other didn't care. Antagonism was reduced.
What makes it difficult sometimes is that people don't always know what they need. In cases like this we have to observe our mate over a period of time to see what needs they manifest unconsciously. For example, Mary feels insecure about being loved, so she wants reassurance of being loved by seeking George's attention. If George were to ask himself why she wants so much of his attention, he might recognize that Mary has a high need for reassurance. By being sensitive to this and giving her what she needs, he would be encouraging her feelings of passion toward him.
3. We can pursue personal interests independent of our mate. I am not suggesting that we put all of our time into this. Yet there are definite advantages for couples not being together constantly. For one thing, it gives both a chance to miss each other so our desire to be close can grow and intensify once again.
Of course being apart, whether it is a matter of hours or days, does not guarantee that we will miss our mate. We have to have a stable and committed relationship for this to work. Assuming the marriage is fairly stable, being apart "to make the heart grow
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fonder" can be a helpful way to promote passion. Too much time apart can discourage a relationship, but too much closeness can kill passion, too.
Having different personal activities will give us something to discuss with each other when we are together. We will be more stimulating and appealing to our mate when we each can initiate conversation regarding our feelings and experiences.
In addition, just being alone from time to time is important for processing our own thoughts and bringing peaceful resolution to some of our personal concerns. When our mind is clear of loose ends from the day, and we have had time to organize our plan for tomorrow, we will be more relaxed with our partner and probably sleep better too.
Of course, if we are absent from each other too much and lose hope of ever being close, then the relationship can fall apart. How much time a couple can constructively handle apart from each other varies from couple to couple. Some people are capable of travelling on the job all week and only seeing each other on the weekends. Others are separated due to military service for months at a time. At the other extreme are couples who hate to be apart for even one day.
Problems can develop when the husband and wife have opposite needs for time together. Paula needs frequent contact with Randy, whereas Randy could function quite well if he had to be gone on business for a week. He would miss his family and would speak to them on the phone a few times, but he wouldn't be as uncomfortable as Paula would be. The solution to this kind of problem is for each to sing a love song of understanding and caring compromise. If Randy were on a business trip, he could phone Paula more frequently. Paula, on the other hand could refrain from complaining to Randy. Instead she could say to him, "I miss you, honey. I am glad you care enough to call me. It means a lot to me."
4. We can laugh and play together. Imagine how different
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things would be at home if you acted a little silly once in a while. Laughter always feels good, unless of course we've just come out of surgery. Our ability to make our mate laugh is almost guaranteed to increase his or her desire for us. I believe that our ability to laugh, even all by ourselves, produces a healthier environment.
My wife slept in one morning, so I decided to fix her a special breakfast. I knew she liked eggs benedict, but I didn't have the slightest idea how they were made. So I asked her. She enthused, "muffin, ham, poached egg, and Hollandaise sauce!" I didn't even know what Hollandaise sauce was and I was sure we didn't have any of it in the house. Furthermore, we didn't have any of the ingredients needed except for the egg. So, I decided to be creative. I toasted a piece of French bread, poached us each an egg, and boiled two hot dogs and sliced them up to take the place for the ham. I probably should have stopped there but I didn't want to appear ignorant about that whatchamacallit sauce. So I opened a can of chicken a la king sauce and poured it over the rest of this wonderful breakfast. Well, for some reason I liked it better than she did! I ate all of my portion and most of hers. She said she wasn't very hungry (as she surveyed the refrigerator contents). I thought I would be generous and share a bit with our dog. I guess the dog wasn't hungry either.
Now I'm not known for keeping people in stitches laughing, but I had fun that morning whether she did or not. It is good for a marriage, even if only one of us is having a good time, as long as it isn't at our mate's expense. This is better than nobody having any fun. We all like to be around happy people. We can't expect our mate always to be "up" to make us happy, but taking responsibility for our own happiness and fun might increase his or her desire to be close to us.
I have a friend who makes me laugh without even trying. As much as I enjoy his humor, I get an even bigger kick out of watching his wife respond to him. She watches him the way a little kid watches a magician. The "what's he gonna say next?" look on her face tells me she enjoys her husband and has a
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strong desire to be close to him. I believe his humor fuels her passion for him.
We can't all be natural comedians, but we can work at having a sense of humor. Although we need our time for serious sharing, humor can generate passion. Having a sense of humor is not the same as being a practical joker. Jokes and surprises can be fun, but it isn't wise to do them unless you know your partner will enjoy them. Practical jokes generally are not compatible with intimacy. If jokes are needed to maintain a level of interest in the relationship, chances are there is no true intimacy. Practical jokes are frequently rooted in the fear of intimacy, and the only thing passionate about them is the intense desire to avoid being known at a deeply personal level. Practical jokes played on one's mate can undermine passion severely. Women especially want to feel secure in a relationship and not have to worry about keeping their guard up for "surprises."
5. We can be dependable. We all like the security of knowing we can count on others. This means following through with promises and commitments. Being dependable provides a sense of stability and security which is very important to any relationship. When our mate knows we can be relied upon, he or she will feel more trusting and safe to be close to us. Are you as dependable as you might be with your mate? What does your mate rely upon you to do? Fix meals? Service the cars? Go to the market? Pick up the cleaning? Pay the bills on time? Show up when and where you promise? Of course, dependability should be a two-way street. But we are discussing how we can sing our love song in a way that will heighten our mates passion for us. Dependability makes us desirable.
6. We can keep ourselves appealing. It is easy to get caught up in routines and become lazy about ourselves. Over the years of married life we may easily gain weight, get less exercise, sleep in dirty pajamas, and start taking on other bad habits. Tanya was offended because her husband Mike sucked his toothpaste
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directly out of the tube. You can almost guess how he dressed. A sloppy T-shirt hanging out over his pot belly did not stir her passion in the least.
Ted would come to the dinner table looking sloppy and smelling like a "dead lizard." (I am taking his wife's word on this). When Sheila asked him to clean up a little for her he said it was too much trouble. She then explained that he was free to dress as he wished in his own house, but she was also free to eat where she didn't have to look at him. Sheila excused herself politely and took her meal out onto the patio to eat. The next meal Ted was cleaned up.
It is not only a matter of respect to be appealing to our spouse. It is also a matter of good sense to attract each other with our confidence, self-respect, and positive energy.
Randy was so caught up in his work that his emotional needs were not being satisfied. He ate excessively between meals and was gaining quite a bit of weight. This was a concern of Paula's. She didn't want his weight to be a significant factor in her love for him, but it did make it difficult for her to want to be close to him. As he began to pay more attention to her, his weight became less of a problem for her. Since his emotional needs were also being better satisfied, he started to lose weight.
Mutual appeal can be enhanced not only through maintaining a pleasant appearance, but also by way of implementing the suggestions in this and the previous chapter. Acting passionately, being sensitive to our mate, laughing, being positive, affirming, affectionate, straightforward, taking initiative, and so forth are all ways of promoting our appeal to each other.
7. We can help our mate feel appreciated. The obvious way for us to do this is to tell our mate that we appreciate him or her. There must be a million ways to communicate this. Arleen and I usually have an instant smile on our face as soon as we see each other.
I was in the neighborhood near her office one day so I stopped in for a few minutes to see her. She was on the phone
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so we didn't get to talk. Nevertheless she felt important to me because I went out of my way to see her. I felt important to her when I saw her smile as I walked into her office. That was all either of us needed.
We can give compliments and praise. "I appreciate your doing the laundry for me, dear," is one example. Another is, "I sure like being married to you."
Another way to affirm our spouse is to say something positive about him or her in public or to friends. We shouldn't make up things that are not true. However, we can show our mate our esteem by sharing praise with others. Over the course of time, it is these little things that will make a difference in our marriage.
The biggest hurdle is that we tend to let our negative feelings control us. It is our choice whether we will let our anger win or whether we will take charge of our behavior and turn a negative into a positive.
8. We can ask for what we want without being critical. This sounds so simple but often gets overlooked. However, after twenty-five years as a marriage counselor, I can declare that this is worth your careful consideration. Nearly all of us in our own way at some time use our past experience to put down our spouse. Yet all we really want is to have a more positive experience in the future.
Paula used to make statements like "Aren't you ever going to learn that I don't like sweets?" or "You never think about what I might like to do before you buy tickets!" These are blaming statements based upon past experiences, which no one can change. Needless to say, these kinds of blaming statements simply pushed Randy further away from her.
Blaming statements will surely dampen our sweetheart's passionate desire to be close to us. Yet a simple statement of request in the present tense, even if said previously, can make a tremendous difference in our communication.
How can we rephrase the above blaming statements into positive, present requests? "Thanks for the candy, Randy. It pleases
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me that you think about me when I am not around. But I am not much of a sweets eater. I wish you would bring me flowers sometime." (Of course, our tone of voice is important too. If we say this with a whine, we won't get very far!)
As I write, I can hear some of you react to this. "Are you kidding? You expect me to be that direct? If I said that, I would be told to get lost!" If this is your reaction, you just may need to pay special attention to this recommendation. Some of us don't believe we have a right to ask for what we want. We fail to respect ourselves enough to make personal requests. If we want to be respected by our mate, we must treat ourselves with respect. Even if he or she says "nuts to you," we have made a firm and kind statement about what we would prefer, without being demanding. Even if we meet with resistance at the moment, we still might get what we want later.
Another way to respond positively is to say, "I am glad you took the initiative to invite me out. Maybe next time I could participate with you in picking out the event."
Asking for what we want doesn't mean we will get it. But it's a positive step which can increase our partner's interest in us.
9. We can encourage our mate. To encourage means to inspire confidence in another through reassurance and cheerful support. It means to believe in our mate when he or she cannot. Many times when one of us is discouraged, we try to solve the other's problems with advice. For the most part, advice is not synonymous with encouragement.
We need to support our spouse. We usually can't solve the problems anyway, but we can be an encouragement and demonstrate tender loving care and quiet confidence.
We all want to feel that others are behind us. When we are given the confidence that our spouse is supportive of us, we tend to feel positive toward him or her. If we encourage our mate, we build trust and desire in them to be close to us.
When Arleen and I moved to Orange County, the transition was a bumpy one. As I was attempting to build a private practice
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from nothing, she was supportive and encouraging. She believed in me when I got discouraged. I like immediate gratification and was disillusioned when my phone wasn't ringing off the hook. And I had been "open for business" for a whole month! But Arleen was reassuring and encouraging that things would build in time. And so they did.
It wasn't long, however, before the shoe was on the other foot. When Arleen began commuting daily seventy miles each way to seminary, she needed my encouragement. As a dyslexic, she suffered through Greek and Hebrew with my support. I also typed her papers for her (before I got my first computer). We didn't have a lot of time together in those days, but typing her papers at least helped us feel connected at some level. Supporting her in her endeavor was one way of encouraging her.
Knowing that we are really there for each other through difficult times keeps alive our desire for each other. Encouragement is another one of those choices that we may not always feel like offering. However, if we want to stir up passion in our partner, we will seek to be encouraging.
10. We can balance talking with listening. Obviously both talking and listening are important. But most of us tend to be better at one than the other. Couples who have a balance between talking and listening have a better chance at feeling mutually important. Few couples are perfectly balanced in this regard. A woman who talks 60 percent of the time to a husband who talks the other 40 percent (no stereotype intended) is actually pretty balanced. But when the man, for example, does 90 percent of the talking, this could undermine the potential for passion in the relationship. Why is this?
Since marital passion is the desire to be close to our mate, there has to be some means for that desire to grow. In order to desire closeness, we have to sense that our mate cares about us, understands us, and accepts us. Now, if we aren't saying much,
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we have fewer chances to feel cared about, understood, and accepted. If we are the one doing all the talking, we may be wearing down our mate and diminishing their passion by not giving them equal attention.
It is difficult to sustain a passionate desire to be close to our mate when we do not sense our mate's involvement with us. I find it amazing how some "talkers" are oblivious to their mate's uninvolvement with them. They chatter on and on as if their spouse is digesting every word. I think in many cases our incessant talking is just to distract us from our anxiety and pain over our inability to connect.
In any case, it would be helpful to encourage our quieter partner's participation by talking less in order to show interest in him or her. "How was your day?" "How do you feel about what happened?" "What did you like the best? the least?" What would you like from me right now?" Compliment your mate on something. Tell how you are feeling toward him or her at the moment. Give your spouse a chance to speak about whatever seems important.
If we want to encourage passion in our mate, we can balance talking with listening so both of us can feel an equal part of the relationship.
11. We can make decisions together. "You did what?!" Paula screamed. Randy thought Paula would be delighted with the new Buick he brought home. But she was furious because she was not part of that decision process. Buying a car is not only a big decision for most people but an exciting one. Paula needed to feel that this was her car also. She would like to have had something to say about the color and model they chose. Randy expected Paula to be excited by his surprise. She got excited all right, but not the way he expected. Had he included her in the decision, they could have felt closer from having shared a satisfying joint decision.
Decision-making is an expression of our inner self. When we
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make decisions with our mate, we are engaged together at a very personal level. Randy's exclusion of Paula from this decision robbed them both of the joy of mutual participation.
12. We can be comforting. To comfort means to calm or soothe. This may not sound like a very passionate activity but it creates an environment in which passion can grow. When our mate feels comforted by us with some consistency over time, he or she will feel good about the relationship and be more inclined to participate. By making your mate feel good by offering personal comfort, you stimulate a passionate desire for more comfort. This, in turn, often creates a desire for more of you.
Listen attentively, showing interest in what your mate is saying. Sometimes giving your spouse some time alone to unwind from a hard day would be comforting. A back rub might be enjoyable. Perhaps serving your loved one breakfast in bed would be of comfort. Showing comfort is as personal as all the other ways of singing your love song of encouragement.
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These are all ways we can help generate passion in our mate. They are all love songs of encouragement. As we support each other, we are helping to keep our love alive.
It is important to remember that love songs are not to be sung for the purpose of manipulating what we want from our beloved. Although it is reasonable to hope that our mate would be responsive to us, our primary motivation should be out of our own desire to act lovingly toward him or her. Then we can enjoy the positive self-esteem that comes from knowing we are doing what is good and loving in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.
These first three chapters have emphasized that marital passion is the desire to be close to our mate. Furthermore, even when we do not feel like it, it is still our privilege and our responsibility to pursue closeness with our partner. When we take responsibility for our behavior by thinking in loving terms
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and by acting in loving ways toward our husband or our wife, we can actually generate loving feelings in ourselves. By acting the way we want to feel, we can eventually feel the way we are acting.
I have suggested some behaviors that can assist in developing these feelings of passion in our marriage. This involves cultivating passion in ourselves as well as encouraging passionate feelings in our mate. It is vital to take responsibility for keeping passion alive in our marriage, even when we might not feel like it.
If marital passion is the desire for closeness—intimacy—with our mate, how do we satisfy that desire? What makes the conversion from unresolved desire to full-fledged intimacy? The fulfillment of marital passion is explored in the next section as we consider the love song of intimacy.
