The Autonomous Love
Song
Ginger and Bud were childhood sweethearts. Bud was student body president and captain of the football team. He dated half the girls in school but he always had a special feeling for Ginger. She was the cheerleader whom Bud had always adored. They were married when they were twenty.
Bud was always self-confident and independent, and Ginger tended to rely on Bud a lot. Her parents had always been good to her, but she had also relied on them instead of taking risks and pursuing life on her own. She was a compliant and responsive person, but always seemed to need others to take the initiative. Ginger was totally reliable on routine matters with which she was familiar. But she was afraid to make decisions on her own or initiate new activities.
Bud and Ginger had been married ten years when they first appeared in my office. Since their marriage, Bud had graduated from college and was working his way up the corporate ladder of a computer manufacturing company. His latest promotion had made quite an impact on their marriage because it required considerable traveling.
"I don't see why Bud has to be gone so much," cried Ginger. "He never had to do it before. There must be something else he could do at work so he wouldn't have to be gone from me so much."
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Ginger didn't know how to adjust to her new circumstances, so she looked for Bud to do the adjusting. Although Bud was usually the one to accommodate her needs, this time he was not able to do so without quitting his job and starting over somewhere else—where the same problem could arise again later anyway.
Ginger continued to elaborate. "The children seem to fight more when Bud is out of town. I am afraid the car will break down on me with Bud gone, so I don't go anywhere. I feel lonely not having any friends to talk to. I feel trapped and frightened. And when the water heater began to leak, that was the last straw. I knew I needed Bud to be home with me. This job is disrupting our whole marriage."
Ginger wasn't able to see her alternatives because she had not developed her own autonomy. She had never had to make major adjustments before and therefore lacked confidence in her ability to do so. Without Bud's support within reach, she was afraid to try anything on her own. Her lack of experience in taking care of herself made this abrupt transition very difficult for her.
"I can see why you are so upset, Ginger. It must seem overwhelming to you," I responded.
"It is!" she cried. "I just can't stand it."
Ginger was not yet aware of her potential inner resources. She could learn to handle this situation just like she had learned to walk and talk. However, she was going to need some support to take on this challenge. Developing her own autonomy was going to become Ginger's love song to Bud.
AUTONOMY—WHAT IS IT?
Autonomy is the ability to function independently whenever necessary. In marriage it means enjoying the love and support of your mate when it is available, but being able to love and support yourself when he or she is not available. The strongest marriages
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are those where a husband and wife come together to give of themselves to each other. Both receive something from the other because both have a "full cup" to share.
However, in many marriages either one or both parties are overly dependent upon the other for nurture. When two people approach each other wanting their empty cups filled by their mate, neither is going to be satisfied. The dependent person in such a situation tends to blame the other when nurturing is not forthcoming. The autonomous person will manage until he or she can find other constructive ways for self-nurture.
This is not to say that autonomy means the kind of individualism where one functions solely to meet one's own needs. Being able to stand alone when necessary does not mean we can never be intimate or vulnerable. An autonomous person does not refuse help when it's needed. An autonomous person is independent enough to choose how and when to become involved with others.
When does autonomy become pride? George is a man who does not like to lean on anybody for anything. He once gave himself a hernia lifting something too heavy by himself rather than asking for help. This is pride, not autonomy. To be autonomous means to accept personal responsibility for identifying and satisfying our own personal needs, which may well involve the help of other people. We don't blame our mate for not giving us what we want; we look for constructive alternatives.
Autonomy requires self-representation, not dependency upon another person to think and speak on one's behalf. It is the capacity for independent functioning.
We become autonomous when we have individuated from our parents so that we do not project onto our mate those expectations that we learned to anticipate from our parents. Autonomy in marriage is the capacity to enjoy our husband's or wife's personality and characteristics without placing the person under unrealistic expectations to be what we want them to be.
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Can a Christian be autonomous? Some people think that, to promote autonomy, they need to reject the Christian idea that we should be dependent upon God for all things. But functioning independently does not mean we should function independent of God. As Christians we know that it is God who gives us our life and breath. Apart from God we are nothing. It is God in whom "we live and move and have our being" (Acts 17:28). God in us gives our lives meaning and power. We are constantly dependent upon God.
We all have moments when we are less stable and need extra help. Becoming ill or unemployed or discouraged during some crisis causes us to need to lean on God and others for support. One of the joys of marriage is that a husband and wife can be available to each other for support when needed. However, some people lean on others too much. Those who are emotionally dependent expect others to take care of them because they do not know how to take care of themselves.
Ginger had never been in a position where she needed to act autonomously. Bud had been a strong source of support for her ever since she moved out of her parent's home. Their present situation was a more radical shift than she had ever had to face. Although she was capable of learning how to be more autonomous, she had never realized that this was a necessary part of life. Now she was frightened at the sudden changes required of her. This challenging situation represented an opportunity for her to grow from dependency to autonomy.
Dependent spouses seek closeness for their own comfort and reassurance rather than for mutual concern. They rely upon routine roles for "a track to run on." They organize themselves around others with stronger identities for their own self-definition. Instead of operating out of a strong sense of their own inner being, they react to others. They don't act on their own. They feel lost by themselves when there is no one to whom they can react.
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THE SIGNIFICANCE OF AUTONOMY
Autonomy is an important ingredient in a healthy marriage. Our mate may not always be available to support us when we need it. Suppose our mate is ill, or out of town, or depressed, or struggling with major issues of life, needing support as much as we do. This is when a husband and wife especially need to be autonomous. Our personal autonomy allows us to be self-confident when we are left alone with our unresolved needs.
Ginger was noticeably self-conscious returning to my office with Bud. Her ambivalence about herself was apparent in her face as she began to speak.
"I am so confused. I don't know what is right anymore. I just know that I am mad about Bud's job coming between us and I'm getting the feeling that I shouldn't be. Is that so bad? Am I wrong to love my husband so much that I want to be with him?" she queried.
Ginger wasn't yet able to see that her desire to have Bud home rather than away on business was based on her dependency needs rather than on her caring about Bud's needs. She was open to what I had to say, however, and made a giant step in coming to grips with this problem.
"I didn't realize I was being so selfish, Bud. I hope you'll forgive me!" she cried. "It's just that I'm so scared. I guess I'll just have to face it!"
Bud responded sensitively. "I'm sorry this has been so hard for you, honey. I want to help in anyway I can, but we can't afford for me to leave my job. I hope you can understand."
Autonomy vs. codependence. Unlike Bud, some people enjoy the feeling of importance they get when their mate depends heavily upon them. They are known as codependents because they are dependent upon their partner's dependency. They do things to encourage their spouse's continued dependent behavior. Codependents find their identity by attaching to others rather than rediscovering themselves and learning how to meet
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their own needs.
Fortunately for Ginger, Bud is not codependent. He is autonomous enough to believe in his own love for Ginger and can see the insecurity that she is experiencing. He listens to her, holds her, reassures her of his love, and encourages her to talk about her feelings. Without defending himself or giving her a lot of advice that she isn't ready to hear, he lets her talk about her fears and her loneliness and encourages her to continue with counseling. This is Bud's love song to Ginger.
Ginger is beginning to realize that there are more things she needs to do for herself. She has met some women friends at church whose company she enjoys on a regular basis. She is also working part-time as a sales person at a bakery. In general she is learning to respond to her own needs without expecting someone else to do things for her that she can do for herself.
Strength to spare. Our personal autonomy contributes to our own well-being. But autonomy is also important to our marriage because it enables us to bring more to that relationship. As autonomous individuals, we have more to share.
An autonomous person has more of a self to reveal to his or her mate. An autonomous person also is able to be emotionally supportive in times of pain for the other person. We stand beside our spouse in his or her hard times because that is the loving thing to do. The mutual sharing of each other's concerns is what brings people closer together and creates intimacy in a relationship.
AUTONOMY OR CONTROL
A person can look autonomous on the surface, however, and still be dependent. When Mike and Sally appeared in my office the first time, I could feel the tension between them. Sally felt that Mike was overcontrolling of her and the children. He would yell at the children for minor infractions and be overcritical
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if Sally didn't do things the way he thought they should be done.
Mike seemed secure in his dominant position, but he was actually overcompensating for his feelings of inadequacy. His own insecurities made him seek control of others to give him the illusory reassurance that he was important and competent. Mike was not autonomous or capable of seeking himself objectively. He was very dependent upon his family for love. Unfortunately, he didn't believe himself to be lovable so he tried to make himself feel loved by getting his way all the time.
Mike's family did love him, but he constantly undermined it with criticism and unsolicited advice. When Sally would react negatively to this, he would blame her for not loving him. Mike was emotionally dependent but masked it with his dominant behavior. He was strong in his reactions to others, but he was not emotionally autonomous.
Our autonomy provides stability in relationships. Because autonomy is not overly possessive or dependent, both parties feel secure enough in themselves not to make demands upon each other. This minimizes fighting and discord and puts marital commitment on a stronger footing.
It takes two autonomous people to make a healthy relationship. To alternate between passion and intimacy requires two people to be strong enough in themselves to be vulnerable about their need for closeness, yet willing to be apart so that their passion can build again.
DEVELOPING AUTONOMY
If autonomy is so important to having an intimate relationship, we need to know how to develop it in our own personal lives. Consider these three aspects of autonomy to evaluate yourself:
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1. Independent thinking. In order to be able to function independently, it is important for us to be able to think independently. It is easy to accept traditional values because so many other people accept them. This may give us acceptance by our parents and peer groups. However, to develop independent thinking, we need to process these traditional values for ourselves. We need to make decisions about what we believe because we have chosen to believe them, and not just because our parents, pastors, professors, or counselors have told us we should. Independent thinking is difficult and sometimes frightening for those who are not in the habit of trusting their own thought processes.
Betty was never encouraged as a child to think for herself. When she first came to me for counseling she said, "I am a social chameleon. What I think depends upon who I am with at the moment. I feel like I don't have any personality or opinions of my own on anything. My views are constantly changing because everybody seems to make sense. Just when I make up my mind about something, somebody else comes along and changes it."
This is a very painful place in which to be. It makes one feel lost, inadequate, defective, and of little worth. Unfortunately, it is common.
Consider Bud and Ginger again. Bud is an independent thinker. He was given more opportunity to make his own decisions as a child than was Ginger. He was never shamed or humiliated for making a bad decision even though he got himself into trouble occasionally. Because Bud has had a lot of encouragement and practice at thinking for himself, he is able to feel confident in expressing his viewpoint to others. Also, he can bring more to his marriage because he interacts thoughtfully with his world outside of his marriage. He has opinions and feelings about his experiences each day that make for interesting conversation at night.
Some of us are reluctant to think for ourselves because we fear being rejected for thinking differently. This oversensitivity
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to rejection is the product of our needing approval from others because we do not know how to approve of ourselves. Yet if we could learn to risk thinking and expressing our beliefs, we might eventually find support for our views. Then we would eventually begin to need that support less.
We need to decide what we believe, our own personal philosophy of life. I cannot remember ever not being a Christian. However, I am sure that my earliest belief was due to my childhood training rather than my thinking for myself. As I continued to grow intellectually, I began to realize that I needed to have my own reasons for being a Christian. I learned to examine my life from a biblical viewpoint and I made some important decisions.
Our Christian faith gives us a solid basis for living. However we need to claim it for ourselves because we have found our own faith in Christ and not because somebody has told us what to believe. The decision to believe in Jesus Christ must be our own decision. Nobody else can make that decision for us. This is part of being autonomous.
I remain a Christian because, as I look over my personal history, I can see how God has been working in my life to bring me closer to himself and to others. I believe God's priority is relationships. He first wants me to trust him, obey him, and be available to him for his creative purposes. As I do this, I affirm my relationship with him. He affirms his relationship with me as he opens and closes doors in my life, as he loves me through other people, and as he sustains me in the face of serious challenges. I believe that my Creator is actively involved in my life to the degree that I am open and receptive to him.
This belief is personal to me. Some believers will vary from this point of view, but the point here is that whatever you believe, it needs to be your own considered belief.
2. Dealing with our needs. Having needs is a normal part of life. A need is a tension which seeks resolution. When we are hungry, we eat to resolve the tension of our hunger. When we
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are fatigued, we rest. When we are lonely, we seek out a friend. When we feel confined, we seek freedom.
The rhythm of life is tension/resolution, need-awareness/need-fulfillment. Therefore it is important for us to identify our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs in order to act toward their resolution. God gave us these tensions to motivate us into creative activity.
We have already discussed that autonomy means accepting responsibility for identifying our own personal needs and doing our best to satisfy them in constructive ways. Unfortunately some of us have gotten discouraged about having our needs satisfied. This often leads us to rationalize that we don't have any needs.
At first glance, it might sound wonderful to be married to someone like this. After all, he or she won't be making any demands on us. However, sooner or later we start to realize that our spouse doesn't need us either. What we have to give isn't valued or appreciated by someone who seems to have no needs.
Denying the existence of our needs may sound very autonomous, but autonomy does not mean denial of our needs. Healthy autonomy includes the willingness to deal with our own frustration when our needs are not satisfied. When we are thirsty we don't pretend we are not just because there is no water available. Instead, we respond to the need by resolving it with a satisfying drink of water as soon as we are able.
Many of us reject our emotional needs because we don't like the vulnerable feeling of wanting something we may not be able to have. However, to deny awareness of our own needs is an ineffective attempt to escape the discomfort of unfulfillment. Of course we all have needs, but not all of us are able to clearly identify them. As autonomous individuals, we will learn to identify and accept our own needs and seek responsible ways to satisfy them. This is another way to sing the love song of autonomy.
Joe was feeling lethargic and dissatisfied with life one day. So
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he sat down in a quiet place and began thinking about his life. He realized that this feeling began two days ago, so he asked himself what was going on in his life two days ago. Eventually he remembered that he had a busy day which had included an unpleasant confrontation with someone at work. But the day was so busy that Joe didn't have time to reflect upon the experience and come to any resolution about it in his mind. The more it slipped out of his consciousness, the more depressed he became. Once he remembered what had happened, he could review the incident in his mind and he could come to peace with it. Joe had taken personal responsibility for dealing with his need to resolve his mood. Joe was acting autonomously. He might have been able to accomplish the same thing by talking to his wife. But some people are better facilitators than others, and some people would just rather think things out first before they share them.
3. Dealing with emotional pain. Part of the autonomous love song is learning to manage our own emotional pain, which is a particular category of our personal needs. If we fail to do this, we often end up acting in an unloving way toward others. For example, if our mate says something that hurts our feelings, unless we know how to deal with our own pain, we may retaliate or say something we regret.
Many of us have the notion that we should be able to get through life without feeling hurt. We resent pain and will seek to avoid it at any cost. However, avoiding pain is ultimately more costly since avoidance prevents resolution and prolongs the suffering. The only way for emotional hurts to heal is for us to face them squarely and experience our feelings until our mind and body gradually feel some resolve. When we lose someone important to us through death, it is normal to grieve. The only real healing comes from mourning our loss. When our inner feelings are clearly focused on what we have lost, we gradually work our way through the emotional pain. Unfortunately, many
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of us try to circumvent this by pretending we do not hurt. This denial or repression of painful feelings prevents emotional healing and creates undesirable symptoms.
It is not our nature to put up with pain if there is any way to avoid it. But we think we are avoiding pain when we are not. Pretending that things don't bother us or becoming involved in distracting activities does not remove the pain. These activities simply prolong it by not allowing our mind to process and dissipate the pain through necessary, conscious experience.
Autonomous people face and deal with whatever emotional pain is present. They accept their need for comfort and support from others, but they also know how to cry alone. Without this capacity to face one's own pain, a person may become an unnecessary burden on his or her mate. It is not unthinkable for one spouse to comfort and be with the other in their pain. But if the hurting person gives the impression that he or she can never cope alone, then the comforting spouse feels a heavy responsibility to keep the other emotionally stable. This can create a parent-child type of relationship which makes the comforting spouse afraid of ever leaning on the less stable spouse for occasional support. Well-developed autonomy permits both partners in a marriage to seek comfort when it is available, but it allows them to comfort themselves when support from their mate may not be available.
There are two essential ingredients that we need in our lives if we are to be able to manage our own emotional hurts. The first is the occasional experience of pain itself. If we don't experience pain, how can we learn to cope with it? We don't go looking for hurtful experiences, but we do need them in our lives occasionally in order to learn to cope with major painful experiences we may face down the line. It is a developmental process we all need to grow through.
Barbara looked stunned when I first saw her in my office. Until recently, she had led a fairy tale life. Now, in midlife, everything had fallen apart. Her husband had left her for another woman. She was so shaken she couldn't keep her job. Then
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one of her children committed suicide. She had no experience in dealing with disappointments or tragedies prior to this. Barbara needed a lot of support to help her through this experience. She had to do some fast growing to cope with it all.
It is best to be open to life's realities as they happen to us. Parents who protect children from disappointments and hurts mean well, but only make it more difficult for them to adjust in later life.
The second essential ingredient in learning to cope with emotional pain is the experience of a supportive, trustworthy, reassuring person who can encourage us as we experience our hurt without trying to take away our pain. This may seem obvious to some, but I am constantly meeting people in my office who get so anxious when their spouse hurts that they try to take away their emotional pain. On the surface it may seem like a kind and loving thing to do, but in reality it is not helpful.
Bud does not like to see Ginger hurting, but he knows that the only way for her to grow into autonomy is to feel the pain of her aloneness so that she can develop her coping ability. He loves her enough to hurt with her instead of "fixing" her pain so that he can be more comfortable. This is his love song to Ginger. If he distracts her from her pain, it will only prevent her from growing.
The only way to deal with pain is to experience it until we one day realize that it doesn't intimidate us as much as it once did. Having a supportive person in our lives is important to help us reach this point. A patient and understanding person can help us gain the confidence we need to face pain in the future.
Overprotection vs. underprotection. Not all of us have experienced the right mix of emotional pain in a context of loving support. On the one hand, some of us were overprotected children who experienced lots of security and encouragement, but not much pain on which to practice developing our coping skills.
On the other hand, some of us were underprotected children
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who were rejected and often ignored or abused. We experienced lots of pain with which to practice coping, but not enough loving support to encourage the development of constructive coping skills. We lack confidence in coping with pain because we learned to rely upon suppression, denial, or avoidance to survive.
The pain seemed too overwhelming to face alone. Therefore we learned to rely solely on our respective defense mechanisms for coping. It never occurred to us that there might be supportive and loving people in this world. This attitude and experience sets us up for the impulsive move toward quick comforts. Addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, or food are examples of efforts to comfort ourselves when we don't believe we qualify for a loving relationship. Addictions are a counterfeit solution to a legitimate need.
It is interesting to notice some implications for marriage here. A husband and wife who were both properly supported as children and learned to deal with their pain are going to have the most satisfying marriage of all. They are more self-confident and more secure in themselves both as individuals and as a couple. When one steps on the other's toes, they talk about it, forgive, and get on with their lives. Most of us, however, come to marriage with some level of imbalance.
Bill and Linda were both underprotected as children. They are both independent and self-reliant. The bad news is that neither feels important to the other, and they don't know how to give to each other emotionally. This couple's intimate moments together are few and brief. They have a lot of autonomy but are afraid of intimacy. As long as their passionate desire can be satisfied occasionally, they can manage. However, they need to work at singing a love song of trust and openness to each other to keep their relationship at its best.
Dale and Virginia were both overprotected as children. They tend to lean on each other a lot. They are intimate with each other, but their relationship lacks spark because they relate more out of their insecurity than their confidence. They have little
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sense of their own identity, they both hate being alone, they have developed few capacities for self-nurture, and they lack self-confidence. Their relationship is limited, but both are too dependent to do anything about it. These people need to sing a love song of autonomy and take more responsibility for their own lives so that they have more to bring to their marriage.
Brent was an overprotected child and Judy was an underprotected child. Brent wants more intimacy than Judy. When Brent moves closer and Jody moves away, he feels frustrated and she feels guilty. This situation requires Brent to sing a love song of autonomy and Judy to sing a love song of intimacy. They both must talk about their respective needs, asking for what they want, and giving whatever they are able.
In some cases, one partner comes from a background of having been over- or underprotected, while the other person was properly supported as a child. The one who was properly supported as a child can bring stability to a marriage and improve its chances for harmony. The most difficult marriage adjustments occur when both husband and wife have had upbringings lacking in one or more of the ways we have described.
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Managing our own emotional pain provides stability in our relationship. Through loving forgiveness and personal pain tolerance, we minimize emotional overreaction, rejection, fighting, and discord. We set an example for our children and for each other as we practice the art of relational healing.
LEARNING TO COPE
Since it is so important for us to be able to manage our own hurts, how can we learn to do this? How can we better sing our love song of autonomy by developing stronger emotional coping resources?
1. Believe that God will sustain us. Believe that God expects us to trust him when we hurt. First Corinthians 10:13 tells us
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that God will not let us be pushed beyond our limits. In 2 Corinthians 12 we read of Paul's thorn in the flesh and how God's grace was sufficient to sustain Paul.
2. Look for the meaning in our pain. Suffering is more bearable when it has a purpose. A missionary couple returned home when John developed tuberculosis. Mary had to redefine her ministry in terms of caring for her husband. Although she was disappointed in having to leave their work behind, she found meaning in loving John in his illness. She accommodated herself to her new life out of love for John as God helped her recognize another form of ministry.
We do not always know the purpose of our suffering. Sometimes we must simply trust God that there is a purpose. When we can do this, it is our love song to God.
3. Pray for our mate when he or she has hurt us. Have you ever tried to get revenge against someone while simultaneously praying for that person? It isn't possible to do both at once. Prayer puts us in touch with God, our greatest resource for loving, forgiving, and coping with pain.
4. Meditate upon Scripture when we are alone and hurting. Passages such as Romans 8, Philippians 3, and many of the Psalms are helpful during these times. As we practice the presence of God in our lives through time spent in prayer and meditation upon the Scriptures, we can renew our spirit and find motivation and power to love.
5. Build our own supportive network. I never wake up from a night's sleep without being grateful to God for my wife. However as much as we love each other, we recognize that it is unrealistic for us to meet all of each other's needs. When we first moved to Orange County in 1981, we didn't know anybody. But little by little we began make new friends as a couple and as individuals. We get something a little different from everyone.
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Hopefully they get something they need from us.
I can tell when Arleen has just been with some of her women friends. She seems lifted up, more self-confident, and has more to talk about. Similarly, when I have been with my men friends, I have received a lift from being able to exchange thoughts, feelings, and experiences with them. I value my time spent with them. Whether we are laughing together or crying together, there is a unity of spirit and acceptance that energizes me so that I have more to give to my wife.
Some of us find this threatening. We want to be the center of our mate's life and we may become jealous if anyone else becomes important to our mate. However, having a supportive network in our life only enriches our marriage as long as we are also doing everything we can to be intimate with our mate.
Accepting personal responsibility for our own personal network of support demonstrates a healthy autonomy within our marriage. This is the beginning of intimacy. Our level of true intimacy cannot exceed our level of autonomy. It's like two sides of the same coin: whatever size the coin, one side is never larger than the other.
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We have been discussing ways to develop our own autonomy. This is done partially through independent thinking, managing our own personal needs, and learning to deal with emotional pain. Another way to develop autonomy in ourselves is to practice forgiveness.
LEARNING TO FORGIVE
An important reason for facing our emotional pain is so that we can forgive our mate and be reconciled to him or her. Forgiveness releases others from responsibility for the pain they have caused us. It doesn't matter if the offending party wants to be forgiven. It is still a loving act which strengthens our relationship with God. It also releases us from bitterness, allowing
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us to move ahead with our lives without a lot of unresolved emotional baggage. Forgiveness requires willingness to accept the pain of another's hurtful behavior toward us. We cannot forgive unless we are able to accept our pain.
In Colossians 3:13 we read, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." In Mark 11:25 we find, "When you [pray], if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
The secret to forgiveness is the willingness to suffer and absorb the pain that has been inflicted upon us by another. This means accepting the event, how it hurts, and expressing the pain by crying, praying, and sharing it with a trusted and understanding friend.
Jesus was a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He knows about suffering. He suffers with every sin that separates us from God. Knowing this can encourage us as we participate in the fellowship of his sufferings. We can tell him about our pain; he can be trusted above all human friends.
Resentment results when we refuse to face emotional pain. Lucille came to my office because she couldn't get past her resentment at Tom for divorcing her. Lucille had never been allowed to be weak in her family. As the oldest child, she grew up taking care of her brother, sister, and even her parents, all at her own emotional expense. She did this with her husband Tom as well and she was angry that all of her hard work and self-sacrifice only resulted in rejection.
I listened to Lucille's anger for a while. Then I said, "Lucille, I hear a lot of anger, but I think I hear something else behind it. Aren't you pretty hurt by this whole experience?"
"No, I'm angry at what Tom has done to me. Don't I have a right to be angry?" she asked sternly.
"Of course you do, Lucille, but you have been angry a long time now. I think it is time to start allowing yourself to feel your pain. Don't you think you are angry because your husband has hurt you?" She started to cry.
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"I was never allowed to hurt before," she stammered.
"Your pain," I said, "is your primary feeling and you won't get past your anger until you can "own" your pain." She didn't realize how much she had been resisting feeling her pain.
When Lucille accepted her right to feel pain for herself, she cried intensely. The more she allowed herself to feel her pain, the less angry she had to be to defend against it. Because she was accepting her pain, her anger began to diminish and she could start forgiving Tom.
This is what Lucille needs to do internally. But how does she act toward Tom from this point? It depends upon whether or not Tom wants forgiveness. If he does, she has not truly forgiven him until she can tell him so. How this is done depends upon circumstances. I recommend that she forgives him (in order of preference) face to face, on the phone, or in a letter. Face to face contact makes forgiveness more powerful, although there may be obstacles, such as geographical distance that makes this impractical.
If Tom does not care about being forgiven, then the forgiveness may or may not be declared. But Lucille still needs to forgive him so that she can be free of guilt for closing the door to possible reconciliation. God wants all relationships to be reconciled to him and to each other. Obviously this requires both sides to cooperate: one forgives and the other humbly accepts it. But this is not always the case.
Sometimes the one we need to forgive is dead. This does not close the door on forgiveness, however. Until we forgive everyone who has offended us, dead or alive, the door is not completely closed on this issue. It may be helpful to speak to the one who has died in our imagination and say the forgiving things we have to say. Writing a letter may be helpful in terms of organizing your thoughts. Rereading it can also be helpful in bringing closure to your relationship.
Forgiving a person who does not want forgiveness is problematic for some who need to feel validated by acceptance of their forgiving effort. However, acceptance should not be the
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criteria for reaching out in the first place. We forgive because God tells us to. It opens the door for possible reconciliation, reduces our own psychological tension, and enhances our spiritual consciousness of God. As we receive God's forgiveness for our own transgressions, we must be willing to convey God's grace by forgiving others. This is actually a cause to rejoice that God can live through us as we are available to him to be witnesses to his love and grace.
As we seek to forgive, we must remember that forgiving is both an attitude and a behavior. It is not a feeling although there are strong feelings involved. We may feel vulnerable, wounded, hurt, sad, or humiliated. But regardless of what we feel or how long we feel it, forgiveness is ultimately a behavior. Just because you feel bad for days or weeks, doesn't mean you haven't forgiven. You still need recovery time for yourself. The way you know you have forgiven is that you no longer act critical or resentful but kind, positive, and open to relating on some level.
The ability to forgive is a major indicator of our emotional autonomy. How autonomous are you? Do you think for yourself? Do you accept responsibility for your own needs? Can you cope with emotional pain? Can you forgive rather than hold a grudge?
Arleen and I never retire at night without sharing our experiences of the day and our feelings toward each other. We have found nurturance from a variety of resources and we come together to share from our "full cup.'' If we want to have something to give our mate, we must be autonomous in filling our own cup so that we can give it away to our mate and to others.
One way we sing our love song is to be autonomous and responsible for our own attitudes, feelings, needs, and behavior. This brings stability and richness to our marriage, and also enhances our ability to alternate between passion and intimacy. One important way we develop autonomy is by learning to forgive. This involves trusting God to sustain us through our own personal pain. When we have developed autonomy in our own
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personal life, we have laid a strong foundation for finding true intimacy in our marriage relationship.
With an understanding of autonomy as the foundation of intimacy, let us look more closely at the process of developing intimacy. I call it learning to sing the love song of self-disclosure and the love song of acceptance.
