The Revealing Love Song

Jerry was a police officer who came to counseling at the request of his wife. Lois had always thought being married to a policeman would be great. It would be like having a built-in security system. This appealed to her a great deal. However, over their fifteen-year marriage, she began to realize that she didn't really feel secure at all. Jerry was a likeable person with a good sense of humor. He seemed to have his act together pretty well and people were always coming to him for advice. But now Lois had dragged him into my office for some marriage counseling.

   "You never tell me what's going on," Lois cried. "You won't let me be part of this marriage! You make decisions without me. When you are hurting over something at work, I am the last to know. You don't tell me anything until it is ancient history. I'm feeling more and more anxious each day because I seem to know less and less about what's going on with you. Does everything in your life have to be a secret? How can I relax when you never tell me what you are thinking?"

   Jerry reacted. "I don't want to trouble you with all of my problems. I want to protect you from all the hassles I face every day. I wish you could appreciate that."

   ''But you didn't even tell me that until just now!" Lois

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rebutted. "This kind of protection I don't need."

   Although Jerry may have intended to "protect" Lois from his "problems," he in effect was creating a bigger burden for her without realizing it. It was the burden of isolation, of his not sharing his concerns with her so that she could be intimately involved with him.

   Jerry and Lois are not alone. This is a common misunderstanding. Many individuals, male and female, do not think they should be too open with their mate. Although they say they are being protective of their mate, they are more often than not trying to protect themselves from having to deal with their mate's reaction. Fear that we can't work it out together often leads us into handling things on our own. This attitude and behavior, however, is not conducive to a healthy marriage. It might seem that Jerry is being autonomous by protecting Lois from his concerns. But he is actually shutting her out of his personal life. Autonomy is the ability to stand alone when your mate is not available to support you. But Lois wants to support Jerry. She wants to feel important to him.

   For two people to love one another and care about their respective needs, each one has to know a lot about the other. We can presume a few things about our mate just by observation over a period of time, but we can't really know his or her feelings, beliefs, or desires—who this person really is—unless we are told directly. And we have to reciprocate. Only by mutual sharing of ourselves can we ever hope to be close.

   Intimate self-disclosure in marriage is the process of revealing our innermost private thoughts and feelings to our mate. This does not mean that we cannot keep some things private. However, the more we can share with our spouse, the greater the intimacy level will be.

LEVELS OF SELF-DISCLOSURE

   Because marital intimacy is a husband and wife knowing personal details of each other's lives, it is important for us to reveal

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these details to one another, voluntarily. Self-disclosure gives our mate an opportunity to know who we are at that moment. This equips our spouse to relate to us with sensitivity and loving care.

   To reveal ourselves means to divulge or entrust to our mate our innermost private thoughts and feelings. This involves past, present, and future aspects of our lives as well as feelings such as joy, sadness, anger, and fear. Personal self-disclosure is another way we sing our love song to our mate.

   There is a kind of communication that is not self-disclosing at all. I call it the "news, weather, and sports" kind of dialogue. We need this communication of facts to function in our day-to-day world. This impersonal kind of relating is helpful in taking care of our necessary business. However it reveals little of ourselves and does nothing to produce intimacy.

   "The radio said it will be colder tomorrow."

   "There may be a new breakthrough in cancer research."

   "The Dodgers are on a winning streak."

   Facts like these are impersonal. Disclosing personal facts about ourselves, however, is the first real level of intimacy. Examples of personal facts are:

   "The doctor removed a mole from my arm today."

   "I was given a good evaluation at work today."

   "That meal we ate out gave me indigestion."

   Personal facts are important to initiating and establishing intimacy. But they are the least intimate level of sharing.

   The second level of intimacy is achieved by sharing feelings as well as facts. Let us look at the previous examples in terms of this deeper level of communication:

   "I was relieved to have the doctor tell me my mole was benign."

   "I was so excited about my evaluation at work today!"

   "I am so annoyed at that restaurant! I hate paying them to give me indigestion."

   Many of us think we are sharing feelings just because we preface our facts with phrases such as "I feel like" or "I feel that." For example, "I feel like we should try again," or "I feel that we

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can do it" are expressions of belief, but not of feeling. Although beliefs are valid ways of disclosing ourselves, sharing feelings is more personal than sharing opinions or beliefs.

   Here are some more examples of feeling words.

   "I am eager for us to try again."

   "I was sad that you seemed to be giving up."

   "I am pleased that you stuck with it."

   "I am angry at myself for not trying harder."

   "I feel guilty not supporting you more."

   Feelings and emotions increase the level of personal self-disclosure between people. Yet there is still another level which is the most personal and intimate of all.

   It is sharing how we feel about the person to whom we are speaking.

   "I appreciate you for suggesting I see a doctor."

   "I resent your crack about my job evaluation."

   "I enjoyed being with you at dinner even though the food was terrible."

   It is one thing to share how we feel about something outside of our relationship, but it is much more intimate to share with our spouse how we feel toward him or her. This is one of the best ways there is to sing a love song. Whether it is positive or negative, it is revealing of our innermost feelings toward our mate.

ARE YOU A REVEALER OR A CONCEALER?

   Are you a "Revealer" or a ''Concealer"? Do you make it possible for your mate to know you from the inside out? Or do you hide your thoughts, needs, feelings, and experiences?

   What can we reveal? I often hear clients in my office say they have run out of things to talk about. What do intimate couples talk about besides facts like news, weather, and sports?

1. Present feelings. Sharing our feelings in the present moment

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is one way to share something meaningful. Lois wanted to know more of what Jerry was thinking and feeling. He said he didn't want to burden her with his problems. However, as it turned out, the truth was that he felt too vulnerable opening up to her. The result was that Lois felt closed out and alone. She didn't know how to give to Jerry because he never revealed any needs or concerns.

   Jerry never felt safe sharing his feelings with anybody. He had been hurt in the past and learned to protect himself. He learned so well that he has little conscious awareness of his feelings anymore. Now he lives a life of logical problem-solving in a job that requires discipline, self-control, and risk of his own physical safety, with a minimum of emotional response. Jerry didn't realize how important it was to Lois for him to share his struggles until she got angry about it.

   If angry feelings are not expressed, these feelings can build up within us and create emotional or physiological problems. This can result in resentment, depression, displaced hostility, headaches, ulcers, or gastrointestinal problems.

   A mentally healthy person is one who knows what he or she is feeling and to what those feelings are connected. However, if it is too threatening to admit to ourselves that we are either angry, frightened, or hurt, then our specific feelings become generalized into displaced hostility, anxiety, or depression. Many people are frightened by their feelings. Not everyone has been taught how to cope with and express their feelings in healthy, constructive ways. If we are afraid to reveal our anger to the person with whom we are angry, we may displace our anger onto a safer person, even if they don't deserve it. It's the old "kick the dog" syndrome. Or if we try to avoid thinking about something that frightens us, we may express our fear and become anxious about everything in general.

   Many people are not tuned in to their own feelings, either because they were never encouraged to be, or because their feelings are not comfortable to think about. Others know what they are feeling but, like Jerry, choose not to reveal them. This

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undermines intimacy. If we expect to be close to someone, we need to share our feelings in the present moment.

   Sharing feelings is important if our mate is to know us intimately. Yet anger seems to be a feeling that spoils intimacy because of how it is revealed.

   Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure. We cannot always help what we feel in the immediate moment, but we must be accountable for how we express our feelings. How should anger be handled best in a marriage in order to promote intimacy?

   If we are angry toward our mate for something, intimacy would require that we reveal that feeling to our spouse. The problem is that most of us have not had constructive role models for expressing anger. Yelling, using foul language or degrading terms, or throwing things are simply not appropriate ways to express anger. They provoke the other person to withdraw or fight back. It is an understatement to point out that this does not encourage intimacy! Responsible communication that gets the message across in a firm but kind way, however, enhances intimacy.

   Although there are certain schools of thought that would encourage these ventilating approaches as healthy, the Bible says "in your anger do not sin" (Eph 4:26). This means to be aware of our feelings but not act it out in a destructive manner. We can learn to control our actions, to express even the strongest feelings in a constructive manner. For example, we can say, "I don't like what you are doing and I want you to stop." The words can communicate without demeaning the listener.

   Some psychologists consider this type of statement as lacking in authenticity unless we are dramatically showing how emotionally stirred up we are. Carol Tavris has written Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion,¹ which is an excellent book championing the opposite point of view, the responsible approach to expressing anger.

   Much of anger is emotional dependency. We get upset if our mate doesn't sing the love song we want to hear. We assume our spouse doesn't really love us if he or she doesn't perform

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the way that makes us comfortable. Some of us get our feelings hurt easily because we rely on our mate to make us happy. Anger based upon this perspective is immature. We will never be happy until we can draw our resources from God as well as from our mate. It is wonderful how God gives us so much nurturance through our mate. God wants us to enjoy our mate. But our stability and true worth comes from God, not our mate.   

   Expressing our present feelings is an important way to reveal ourselves to our mate. But there are other things to reveal as well.

2. Sharing our personal history. Revealing our past is usually done more in the earlier stages of a relationship. But in some cases, I find that couples are slow to reveal their past even after they have been married for years. Learning about each other's past is helpful in understanding what experiences have helped shape us into the persons that we are.

   For example, knowing that Darlene was an abused child is an intimate detail that enables Dave to be more sensitive to the emotional scars that she carries from her past. Realizing how she was put down and humiliated, much of her childhood helps Dave understand her shyness and fears, enabling him to be more sympathetic and loving.

   Sharing our personal history is invaluable in promoting intimacy. Peter was afraid to tell his wife Margie about his background. Peter had served a brief jail term prior to meeting her. He was afraid Margie might not marry him if she knew. Even though he had a clean record for the past few years, Peter was afraid to risk losing her. By concealing this fact from her, he was setting her up for great distrust should she ever find out. She might wonder what else he hadn't told her. Although we can understand Peter's feelings, it is also true that anyone who could not accept him as he was did not show much promise as a good mate.

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3. Revealing hopes and dreams. Sharing our hopes, dreams, and aspirations is another way to reveal ourselves. Knowing what is important to each other promotes familiarity and intimacy. It also enables our spouse to support us in our dreams. Sometimes our dreams are long-term goals that may have little chance of ever coming to pass. In other cases they may be more short-term and realistic. But regardless of their potential for achievement, sharing our goals with one another helps both to feel connected to each other.

   One of my secret ambitions in life was to sing with a live orchestra. Two significant factors kept interfering with my dream: my shyness, and my lack of talent. I wanted to major in music at Westmont College, so I had to take all kinds of tests to measure my musical aptitude. The professor of music who counseled me looked at my test results and asked me if I had considered any other majors. With that bit of encouragement, I decided to just take a class in choral conducting, which I passed by the skin of my teeth.

   I still had my dream to sing with an orchestra, however. One day, years later, I got my chance. I auditioned for a part in ''Fiddler on the Roof" at Glendale College. They told me the main roles were already filled, unless my name was Mario Lanza. But if I wanted to be one of the "townspeople,'' I could be in their production. Well, I accepted. Somehow I got a one-line part and when they realized I could be heard in the back of the auditorium, I ended up with about eight one-liners. The real joy, however, came when I was chosen as one of six to sing a song with the orchestra.

   You see music is a part of who I am, and it is important to me for my wife to know that about me. Even though I feel foolish and vulnerable talking about it, this sharing of hopes and dreams is a part of being intimate.

   Ted wanted to be a medical missionary, as did his wife Joan. They shared a dream. Even though Ted started to go blind and their dream could not be realized, they had shared something together—the joy of their dream as well as the disappointment

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and rearrangement of their plans. They mutually supported one another as they shared their love song of intimacy together.

4. Revealing personal needs. Spouses often differ in their concept of needs. Some feel free about admitting their need for comfort, support, and time together. Others feel awkward asking for anything. Still others aren't even aware of their needs. Sharing our needs is another way of becoming intimate as well as an avenue for having those needs satisfied.

   Since many people are not accustomed to reflecting upon their own emotional needs, a few examples may be in order. Most of us have a need to be loved and appreciated. We want to feel significant to others. In order to feel satisfied with life, we seek comfort from the stresses of life. We want the security of knowing our relationships are stable. We need people to understand our feelings and to care about us. We need time for solitude as well as time to socialize. We need to express our own creativity. We need to feel confident in our abilities and in our lovability. We need friends, not just acquaintances. We need recreation and play.

   Needs vary from person to person as well as from time to time. Because of this, it is appropriate to share our needs with one another in order that we can be known. This is our love song to our partner—as long as it doesn't come across as a demand.

   Clients have said to me, "I have tried sharing my needs with my spouse, but it doesn't work!" What they really mean is that they expect to be given exactly what they have requested. We need to remind ourselves that an autonomous person asks for what is desired, but does not seek to control or demand.

   Love cannot be controlled or demanded, only given and received. We must reveal our needs, accepting whatever response we get. It is hard for many of us to reveal a need knowing it may not be met. But love for our spouse should be unconditional acceptance of that person, regardless of his or her response to us. Love isn't a matter of merely "liking"; it is a

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behavior that has both positive and negative feelings connected to it.

   In other words, our spouse will never be able to sing every note of every love song we want to hear. Our spouse will sing his or her own love song, leaving out some of our favorite notes and including some that we may not like at all. The only way another person can even come close to singing our love song, however, is for us to tell that person what we like. Then we must be willing to let the other person decide which of our favorite tunes they want to sing for us.

   Chances are good that our mate is singing love songs that we haven't yet learned to hear or appreciate. Perhaps our mate sings a quiet song of reliability, of loyalty, of quiet devotion, of personal sacrifice. Have you tried to identify your mate's love songs?

5. Revealing values and preferences. Revealing our values to each other tells a lot about us. Prioritizing what is important to us and then together comparing our priorities helps us become more intimate. Couples are often surprised to discover how little they know about each other's values.

   Here is an exercise you can try. Prioritize the following list and have your spouse do the same, independently, adding whatever else is important to each of you that may not be included here. You may want to copy each value onto a separate card for easy sorting. As you compare your respective lists of prioritized values, take time to discuss why you value the things you do. Do not be critical of each other or defensive about your selections. Simply listen with interest to each other in order to better understand your mate.

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Chapter Seven  ||  Table of Contents