The Accepting Love
Song
We have discussed how intimacy is important to loving because we can only love a person to the degree that we know him or her. Therefore it is important for us to reveal ourselves to each other on many different levels. However, even if we are successful in disclosing ourselves to one another, we don't always get the response that we would like. In order for us to trust each other with personal thoughts, feelings, and dreams, we need to experience each other's response as understanding, caring, and accepting.
What is acceptance in the context of marital intimacy? Acceptance is listening to our mate with sensitivity, interest, and respect. It means to embrace what our mate says to us in such a way that he or she feels safe to continue revealing without fear of judgment, criticism, or ridicule. Acceptance is another way we sing our love song to our mate. Furthermore, it is the one thing above all else that promotes self-disclosure and, therefore, intimacy.
On the other hand, rejection in the context of marriage is failing to embrace our mate's expression of thoughts and feelings, treating personal disclosures as useless or insignificant.
Some spouses are "acceptors" and others are "rejecters." Most people are unaware of which category they fall into most
Page 104
of the time. The purpose of this chapter is to help readers become more conscious of their own tendencies toward acceptance or rejection and to enhance marital intimacy by increasing "acceptance" skills. This is the love song of acceptance.
Rejection in marriage can be blatant or subtle. Strange as it may seem, rejection can be obvious to one party and not so obvious to the other. Robin reported that her husband Richard told her she wasn't worth anything. To Richard this was objective truth, and he felt she was being overly sensitive to this comment. She was deeply hurt by the remark and considered him to be insensitive and rejecting. Because our perceptions can differ so radically, we need guidelines to help us assess our own level of sensitivity or insensitivity. Our concern here is with how we can become better "acceptors'' and do less rejecting.
SUBTLE REJECTION
In order to better learn how to be accepting of our mate, let us examine some of the typical mistakes people make in dealing with each other.
Imagine that Fred comes home from work in a bad mood and starts complaining to Susan about his job.
Fred: "I feel terrible. I don't think anybody at work values my opinions."
The following statements represent different ways that Susan might respond. Would you respond in any of the following ways?
1. "Oh, that reminds me! Our neighbor is upset and wants to speak with you—something about some advice you gave him."
This response ignores Fred's feelings. Susan has related to him in a businesslike manner. When a person shares upset feelings, it is best to deal with the feelings first. It shows loving
Page 105
kindness and helps the upset person resolve his feelings so that he can think more clearly about the other concerns.
Of course, not only is Susan neglecting to relate to Fred's discouragement, but she's telling him something that will add to his discouragement. Fred must face the neighbor eventually, but she needn't dump this on him when he is already down. If she were to let him talk about his feelings first, he would recover faster from his discouragement and be better prepared to deal with his neighbor.
Let's look at another way Susan might respond. It might help to refer back to Fred's statement before you read each response.
2. "Oh, I am sure that isn't true, dear."
This response at least attempts to be supportive. However it still negates Fred's right to his own feelings. Fred has revealed his feeling as well as his belief upon which his feeling is based. Susan is disagreeing with his belief and ignoring his feeling. It makes him feel even more upset because it is essentially a subtle rejection of what he feels. Because this response looks supportive on the surface, Fred may not even understand why he feels badly about it. Fred needs acceptance that this is how he feels at this moment. He wants empathy and understanding (which Susan may or may not want to give him). However focusing on his belief rather than on what he feels may make Fred uneasy about opening up in the future.
I am not saying that feelings should always be indulged to the exclusion of responsible behavior. However, if we respond sensitively to the feelings first, our spouse will feel cared for and supported and will get over the feeling faster. Unfortunately most of us want to run in and resolve everything immediately without accepting our mate's feelings of the moment.
3. "That's the way I feel all the time."
Susan is being a "rejector" here because she had taken the
Page 106
attention away from Fred and put it on herself. This comment may be true, but the problem is in the timing. If she had wanted Fred to understand this about her, she could have initiated sharing this information on many occasions.
Before we shift the attention to ourselves, it is more supportive to relate first to the feelings that have just been expressed by our mate. When we choose to talk about ourselves in the context of our mate's pain, we are treating them as if their feelings are unimportant to us. This trains them to quit sharing with us, which undermines our intimacy. This subtle rejection discourages our mate from being open with us in the future, since we might "steal the spotlight" again.
4. "Maybe you don't speak up enough."
In this response, Susan is trying to fix Fred's problem so he won't feel so bad. Again, this looks very kind on the surface. However, Fred wasn't asking for advice as much as he was sharing his feelings to get some support. Advice is generally not supportive when it isn't desired or requested. When we give advice to people who are not asking for it, we are probably not being sensitive to their feelings.
It can be insulting to give unsolicited advice. This is because it implies that we don't believe the person can figure it out. If we want to give unasked for advice, we might say, "would you like to know what I would do in this situation?" If they show interest in our viewpoint, we haven't insulted them. If they seem disinterested, we need to respect that. Otherwise we are not tuning in to their real needs of the moment. Prolonged treatment of this kind can cause people to withdraw. It can turn revealers into concealers.
5. "That's not hard to believe."
The direct put-down is obviously insensitive. Some people do this as a joke and aren't to be taken seriously. But generally this response seeks to avoid intimacy. Susan is putting Fred down so he won't want to discuss it any further. This way she won't have
Page 107
to deal with his feelings, which make her uncomfortable. It is not recommended as a way of encouraging a person who has just revealed feelings of pain and distress.
6. "Well, it's their loss."
You are probably wondering what could possibly be wrong with this statement. What is left for a person to say? This statement isn't really too bad. Its weakest feature is that it tries to resolve things too quickly and distracts from attending to the person's feelings in the moment.
This statement is actually supportive and would be appropriate later in the conversation when the discussion is coming to an end.
7. "I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, dear. What exactly happened at work to make you feel so awful?"
This is Susan's best response. In this response Susan shows her love for Fred by letting him be the center of attention until he can feel understood and comforted. She is showing interest by asking him to elaborate. Most people would feel safe to reveal more with this response from Susan.
Fred wanted to feel understood and accepted. He didn't need Susan to fix his problem or make him feel different. He just wanted her to comfort him by listening to his feelings. He will work his way through them in his own time.
We often underestimate the power of listening. People need someone to care and just to be with them in times of trouble. Although many of us feel helpless or uncomfortable just listening, it is often the most kind and loving thing we can do.
PARALLEL MONOLOGUES
Many times couples get into mutually rejecting communication patterns and keep it up for years without even realizing what they are doing. Gary and Doris were such a couple. There
Page 108
were a lot of good things about their marriage. They were both extremely autonomous and had a lot to say to each other. But they both enjoyed talking more than listening. They weren't really relating well at all. In subtle ways, they were both rejectors.
Consider the following conversation between Gary and Doris.
Gary: I ran out of gas on the freeway today. I was so mad at myself and embarrassed when the highway patrolman stopped me to give me a ticket.
Doris: Jane and I had lunch together today. I haven't seen her in so long. It just seems like we are getting too busy for our own good. It was wonderful to see her.
Gary: I sure am glad to be home.
Doris: I have to go to work early tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to it. It's going to be such a long day.
In this example, we have two people revealing themselves pretty well. The potential for intimacy is great. The problem here is that neither is relating to what the other has said. In this kind of "parallel monologue," the listener isn't relating to the speaker, leaving doubt about the listener's true involvement in the relationship. Even if every word was heard, the close connection which produces intimacy has been undermined by the absence of any verbal response to what the other has shared.
Not relating directly to what has been said implies disinterest or not caring. Intimacy cannot survive in an indifferent, uncaring environment. Yet people can be married for years without recognizing what is missing in their conversation.
Let's take another look at how this conversation might sound if both Gary and Doris were to relate to each other instead of simply having parallel monologues.
Gary: I ran out of gas on the freeway today. I was so mad at myself and embarrassed when the highway patrolman stopped me to give me a ticket.
Doris: Oh, no! As if one problem wasn't enough! Well, I wouldn't
Page 109
have given you a ticket, even if you deserved it.
Gary: Well, that's good to know! Where were you when I needed you?
Doris: Jane and I had lunch together today. I haven't seen her in so long. It just seems like we're getting too busy for our own good. It was wonderful to see her.
Gary: I'm glad you got to see her. I know what a good friend she has been to you. I'm sure she enjoyed seeing you as well. I sure am glad to be home with you.
Doris: I'm glad you are home with me too. . . . I have to go in to work early tomorrow. I'm really not looking forward to it. It's going to be such a long day. . . .
Can you tell the difference between these two examples? Most people would be encouraged to continue their self-disclosure in the second context more than in the first. It provides acceptance and involvement while the first tends to isolate and ignore the other partner.
Showing our mate that we heard what was said, and responding to the content before we change the subject is an affirmation of our spouse. This is one way we sing our love song of acceptance to our mate.
EFFECTIVE LISTENING
When we are more eager to be heard than to hear, our communication suffers. We are thinking more about what we want to say than about what is being said. These kinds of discussions are fruitless. The less we feel understood, the harder we hammer away to make our mate hear us. As two voices clamor to keep up with each other, neither feels that the other cares about what the other is saying.
In normal conversations one person speaks, then the other. They go back and forth, assuming that the other listened and understood what was meant. However, in my counseling practice I find that people do not listen to each other as well as they
Page 110
like to think they do. When I ask them to repeat in their own words what they hear their spouse saying, many people have difficulty with this. So I suggest that they try the following exercise, which is simple in concept, but difficult to integrate into everyday conversations:
1. The husband (or wife) says what is on his (her) mind.
2. The wife puts into her own words what she hears her husband saying and responds with statements such as:
"What I hear you saying is. . . ."
"Are you telling me that. . . .?"
3. The husband either clarifies a point, or says he feels understood:
"Well, I don't mean to put so much emphasis on the last part. What I mean to say is. . . ."
"Yes, it sounds like you understand what I mean."
4. The wife then proceeds with what is on her mind, as in step 1.
5. The husband responds as in step 2:
"Are you basically saying that. . . .?"
This exercise is not intended for simple conversation such as "please pass the salt." But it is excellent for those moments when the discussion is complex or emotional.
Some criticize this exercise as too contrived and unrealistic for day-to-day living. I will agree that it feels awkward at first. But most things feel awkward initially, especially if we are trying to counter old habits. However, those who learn to work with it are usually grateful. I challenge you to give it your best effort.
It may take a third party or a counselor to keep you on track initially. As simple as this procedure may sound, couples tend to get caught up so strongly in making a point that staying with the exercise becomes difficult, especially when emotions are aroused.
Page 111
Making the effort to really hear and understand our mate is another way that we can sing a love song of acceptance.
ACCEPTANCE IS NOT AGREEMENT
Being good acceptors for our mate not only involves receiving our partner's feelings, but also that person's thoughts and ideas. This does not mean that we necessarily agree, but that we accept the other's right to view things in a personal way without our judgment or criticism.
We perceive situations differently. Just because our mate thinks that it is time for a new car doesn't mean we have to agree. However, acceptance means we are willing to listen to his or her thoughts on the matter without getting defensive or putting down the idea. I have watched many married people sabotage their own purposes simply by not respecting what their mates had to say without instantly beating it down.
Many times we are willing to give up our own ideas once we have been able to talk about them openly in an accepting environment. Actually, once we hear ourselves talk about it, we may come to our own conclusion that it is not a good idea at this time. Instant disagreement virtually invites opposition. People resent not being accepted.
If however, our mate still clings to the idea of getting a new car, we can express our thoughts on the matter in a loving way without putting our mate down for having their own feelings and desires. We might say, "I would love to see you have a car like that, honey. Nothing would make me happier. But it makes me nervous to think about taking on more payments right now, especially with our taxes coming due next month. What do you think?"
We may think it's a good idea or we may think it's a bad one. Sometimes we need to rethink our own position. We each have to decide for ourselves. The point is that one way we sing our love song to our mate is to accept his or her opinions as valid.
Page 112
Two people from two different backgrounds are not going to think alike about everything. Even if we married the schoolmate next door, there will be family differences. This is one of the things that makes marriage so interesting. A difference in values or beliefs doesn't have to create a problem as long as we respect each other's right to personal opinions.
Sometimes we may be afraid to be different from our mate. We fear that if we don't think alike, we won't be accepted. This may be based on actual experience. But if we need our spouse to approve of us that much, then we will not be able to enjoy each other's uniqueness. This is why the autonomous love song is a necessary counterpoint to the accepting love song.
ACCEPTANCE AND BEHAVIOR
We have discussed accepting our mate's thoughts and feelings. What about behavior?
In marital loving, we must accept our spouse without trying to change him or her. Maybe you get irritated when your mate doesn't replace the toilet paper or gets bread crumbs in the butter dish. We can tell our mate how that behavior affects us, but we must accept whatever response we receive. We can't expect to change all of our mate's ungracious habits.
Some of us make the mistake of telling our mate what he or she should do to make us happy. However this tends to build walls since it is not accepting of the other. Attempts to control each other create distance, not intimacy. We can share how we are affected by our mate's behavior, but it is better to leave their response up to him or her.
Sharon felt badly because she perceived Ron as uncaring about her feelings. She would give him a list of possible gifts she would enjoy for her birthday, but he would purchase something not on her list that he might enjoy having himself, such as a portable television, calculator, or candy.
Ron's selfishness is not the issue at the moment. My point
Page 113
here is the way Sharon tries to resolve her problem. Her method is to demand that Ron only buy her gifts from her list:
"Ron, I gave you a list of gifts to choose from. Why can't you pick something from the list that you know I will like? I just don't think you care!"
Sharon is making the mistake of trying to control Ron's behavior by telling him exactly what to do so that she will feel better. Furthermore, her tone and attitude only make Ron defensive and angry.
It is easy to understand why Sharon would do this. She is hurting. She wants to feel loved. However, she is dictating her terms to Ron, instead of letting him sing his love song in his own way. To tell Ron how to sing his love song to her is to control him, which will push him away and undermine any efforts toward intimacy.
If Sharon wants to sing a love song of her own, she will reveal her hurts and disappointments to Ron without demanding that he sing his love song her way. Control kills love, while vulnerable self-disclosure gives love more freedom to function on its own.
Sharon would probably do much better if she simply shared with Ron what she would like in the future without blaming him for the past:
"Ron, I feel really close to you when you buy me a gift that you know I will enjoy. I hope you will find my list of gift ideas helpful."
If he continues to disregard her list, she may have to share how his behavior is affecting her:
"Ron, it really hurts me when you buy presents that you will enjoy more than I will. I need you to be more sensitive to my feelings and interests when you are buying me a gift."
Page 114
In this way, Sharon is both revealing her feelings and accepting Ron's right to determine his own behavior. People often get confused at this point. It seems to some that sharing feelings is the same as telling another how to behave. But there is a difference between revealing and demanding. Revealing is a way of making our desires known. It is an intimate act to let our mate know how we feel. There is no guarantee that we will get what we want when we reveal. Revealing is vulnerable self-disclosure without controlling our mate's response. On the other hand, a demand is telling our mate specifically how to be and what to do to meet our need.
Acceptance of our mate's behavior, assuming it is non-violent or not destructive, is a way of loving him or her. This acceptance of thoughts, feelings, and behavior promotes acceptance and intimacy in relationships.
Are you a revealer or a demander, an acceptor or a rejector?
We know that marital intimacy is detailed personal familiarity with our mate. We have seen how the love song of intimacy is the completion and fulfillment of the love song of passion. Intimacy can be achieved through the love songs of mutual self-disclosure and mutual acceptance. Intimacy is being safely known.
The following is a poem I wrote to my wife on our anniversary one year:
Page 115
SAFELY KNOWN
I can speak with confidence
about my love for you,
for you love me and accept me,
though you know me through and through.
You see me when I'm up and down,
you know me inside out;
the way I think, the way I feel,
you know what I'm about.
Yet you accept me anyway,
you love me as your own.
this is why I love you dear
I feel so safely known.
I share with you my heart of hearts,
because you'll understand.
When I think I'll fall apart,
you'll lend a helping hand.
When I need a little lift,
and call you on the phone,
once again I'll find your gift,
that I am safely known.
When I doubt myself at times,
when I fear I'll fail,
your belief in me, my love,
Puts wind back in my sail.
You bring out the best in me,
Your seeds of faith are sown;
Because you have believed in me,
I feel so safely known.
Page 116
Safely known, intimate, fueled by passion. . . There is yet another love song that needs to be sung for a Christian marriage to go the distance. Marital love needs the protection found in the love song of commitment. That is the subject of the final section of this book.
