The Biblical Love
Song
Keith looked handsome as he stood waiting for his bride at the front of the church. His eyes twinkled and his smile grew broad when he saw his lovely wife-to-be appear at the back of the church. Keith and Mary had been looking forward to this moment with great expectation. Having already shared their dreams, their values, their hopes and fears, they were now confirming before witnesses their commitment to journey through life together.
As their desire to be together grew, they were both certain that heaven had arranged for them to meet. They didn't know what lay ahead. After the wedding, they continued to reveal their hearts to one another and to accept each other with loving tenderness, affirming their commitment to each other regularly.
Keith became a busy pastor in a local church, and they began a family. Neither Keith nor Mary could ever have imagined what was to follow. Four years and two children later, Mary suffered a debilitating attack of polio which left her a quadriplegic.
In spite of this catastrophe, they both maintained their belief that God had a purpose in bringing them together. Their relationship remained a priority and they found meaning in working
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together for constructive solutions to their personal problems. They believe to this day that as Christians they are to be a picture of Christ to the world. They see their relationship as a life-long commitment to God and to each other.
Keith and Mary believe that the best basis for commitment in marriage is what we can give to the relationship, rather than what we can get from it. Of course, giving and getting are two halves of the same equation. However, when our wants take precedence over giving, our marital commitment will not be at its maximum strength.
This biblical love song does not stop giving when it stops getting. If our love were merely an echo in response to the love we receive from others, love could die out in a hurry. Love can be inspired by others, but loving with agape love is not conditional upon getting love back.
LOVE IN THE BIBLE
The Bible has a lot to say about love. In 1 John 3:18 we read, "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions. . . ."
What kind of actions demonstrate love? What does love look like, according to the Scriptures? It is appropriate that we look closely at what the Bible tells us about love.
The most often-quoted biblical reference on love is the apostle Paul's beautiful love chapter in his first letter to the Corinthians. It is helpful to understand the context in which he wrote. Paul is responding to reports he had heard about factions forming in the Corinthian church. He frames his remarks on love with that specific situation in mind.
Without pretending to achieve the impossible—an exhaustive description of love—he mentions some of their behaviors that are not characteristic of love as well as some behaviors that are. Let us look at those mentioned in chapter thirteen of Paul's first letter to the Corinthian church.
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1. Love is patient (1 Cor 13:4, 7). According to Dr. Kenneth Bailey,1 when Paul speaks of patience, he uses two different Greek words for our English word. The first use of "patience," found in verse four, has to do with self-control.
Paul is saying that when we have the power to strike out destructively in anger but do not do it, we act lovingly by controlling ourselves. Personal restraint in a moment of anger is an act of loving patience. For example, a husband is acting in love when he refrains from yelling at his wife who has just damaged their new car.
Can you remember the last time you felt like saying something out of anger but did not? This kind of self-control does not mean that we never share our feelings. Rather, it means we have control of how we share our feelings.
The other meaning of loving patience is used by Paul in verse seven. This has to do with feeling vulnerable and not being in control of what is happening to us. Paul is saying that love perseveres even when under stress.
When Mary became ill, Keith felt stressed and Mary felt vulnerable. This was a perfect recipe for trouble. Keith wrote about it in his book Not a Sometimes Love.2 Although it was a struggle for them, both were committed to talking and working things out. They were both patient with themselves and with each other in facing their difficult and discouraging situation.
Love perseveres even when it is uncomfortable to be doing so. We sing our love song by managing our own pain because we love our mate more than we require the comfort of immediate resolution.
So love is patient in two ways: through self-control and through a tolerant attitude when we are not in control of our circumstances.
2. Love is kind (1 Cor 13:4, Gal 5:22). Kindness means being courteous, considerate, and gentle. Love is not abusive or insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Love demonstrates
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respect and caring for our mate. When asking our mate for something without blaming him or her for being negligent in the past, we are being kind. When we awaken our spouse gently in the morning rather than abruptly, we are showing kindness. Opening the car door for our wife, or asking our husband how things went for him at work is being kind. Allowing him to not discuss a subject if he chooses not to is being kind. Keeping ourselves looking clean and appealing for our spouse is another form of kindness.
Kindness is only one of the many love songs we can sing to our mate. What form of lovingkindness can you show to your husband or wife right now?
3. Love is supportive (1 Cor 13:4). I have changed Paul's wording ("love is not jealous or envious") in order to continue looking at love in terms of what we can do, how love motivates and empowers us to behave. Since biblical love is action, Paul only uses "feeling" words to describe what love is not. Taking the liberty of stating his meaning in positive terms, we can realize that our love song should be supportive of our mate.
Jealousy and envy are rooted in fear about who we are. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind (see 2 Timothy 1:7). Furthermore perfect love casts out fear (see 1 John 4:18).
Love, then, is not jealous or envious because it is not fearful. As loving persons, we are confident in who we are as children of God and children of love. We believe in our own significance as married lovers committed to each other's well-being.
Hence we are supportive of our mate's talents, gifts, and good fortune even if it means that they enjoy more "success" than we do. I remember seeing more than one movie on this theme: a man divorces a woman he loves because he can't stand the shame he feels over being less successful than his famous wife.
It is significant for us to be successful in our role as supporter,
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rejoicing with him or her. Public recognition should not be our criteria for success. Knowing we are fulfilling our created purpose as conduits of God's love is our ultimate success.
Mary knows that her wheelchair does not rob her of her power to love Keith. She is not jealous or envious of Keith because she knows her significance is not limited to her physical mobility. She has grown to recognize that her life as a wife to Keith is meaningful as a confidante, encourager, and prayer partner. She can still be passionate about her desire to be intimate with him. They enjoy intimate moments of verbal and physical contact. They are benevolent toward one another.
4. Love is humble (1 Cor 13:4). Humility is a key word in the New Testament because it represents the opposite of pride, the very essence of sin. Pride is accepting for oneself honor and status that belong only to God.3
Pride is not a love song. It is a superficial effort to feel good about oneself by appearing to be better than others. Pride is usually due to overcompensating for one's deep inner self-doubt. Pride is wrong because it lacks faith in God that we are significant, and it seeks approval from the very people it demeans. Humility is recognizing that we are nothing apart from what God has given to us. Thus we approach other people with a perspective of equality and responsibility for mutual acceptance.
Christian humility is a lack of concern for one's own prestige.4 People who are well-grounded, who know who they are and believe in their value as a loving child of God, do not need to resort to boasting, which only draws attention to their self-doubt. The sad thing about our society is that there are many great people in life about whom we never get to hear because they are too humble to toot their own horns. The ones we are forced to hear about are the approval-seekers who get attention because they actively seek it.
In marriage, pride makes a husband or wife afraid to ask for
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what he or she wants. A humble spouse can make requests without making demands. Then the person accepts whatever is given and seeks to give whatever possible to meet the needs of the partner. Some people think that having to ask is the same as begging or groveling. But begging is pleading to get what you want. Asking is not begging because once we ask, we accept whatever response we get without insisting on getting our own way.
Pride is a superficial attempt to feel significant. Pride is afraid to look bad. James found it difficult to apologize when he spoke hurtfully toward his wife. This of course hurt her even more. James loved his pride more than his bride.
5. Love is courteous and respectful (1 Cor 13:5). Opening a door for one's wife may seem old-fashioned to some, but it is a symbolic act of respect for the wife. Not interrupting conversations is an act of courtesy. Helping our mate carry in groceries from the garage is another courtesy.
Love is courteous because it respects the other person and cares about the other's feelings as well as their physical well-being. Love is respectful; we can treat each other with dignity, acknowledging everyone's worth in the eyes of God.
6. Love is generous, gracious, and unselfish (1 Cor 13:5). "Love does not seek its own," writes Paul. This does not mean that we cannot be concerned about our own needs. Taking charge of meeting our own needs is being responsible. We are taught here not to put our own needs ahead of another person. Instead we are to be sensitive to the needs of our mate and respond graciously and generously to him or her.
When it is time to go out with our mate, are we willing to participate in an activity of his or her choice? Who usually gets to choose what to do? Is it balanced? Are we both willing to share these opportunities? When our needs conflict, how do we decide what to do? Are we generous and giving?
Emotional maturity requires that we honestly face our needs
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and desires, yet also be willing to forego their satisfaction from time to time in order to care about our mate's needs.
When was the last time you set your need aside in deference to your mate?
7. Love is honest and just, rejoicing with truth (1 Cor 13:6). Honesty is important in marriage because it builds trust. Deceit breaks down trust and communication. To walk rightly and speak what is right (see Isaiah 33:15) is the loving path, although it isn't always easy.
Two people cannot be each other's primary support system if they are not going to be honest with each other. Love cares about the other and provides stability by sharing the truth. Even when the truth hurts, at least our mate will know what he or she is dealing with. Deceit makes it impossible for anyone to deal with reality because it is concealed.
Love is willing to face whatever feelings are necessary in order to be honest. When Keith and Mary shared their mutual frustrations with each other it was painful. Keith needed Mary to let him sleep. Yet Mary needed Keith to help her in the middle of the night. By sharing their mutual frustrations, they could face them together, hurt together, and love together.
Whether we fear our mate's reactions, are embarrassed about something we did, or feel guilty or ashamed, honesty allows love to respond in a way that deceit does not. Lies prevent intimacy from developing. This, in turn, slams the door shut on love. Honesty, however, is disclosure, which is where love and intimacy begin.
8. Love is trusting (1 Cor 13:7). Love is not only reliable and trustworthy. Love honors the beloved with trust as well. Trust builds unity and oneness. It is when trust has been violated that it is most difficult to restore. Most of us think that we cannot trust someone who has proven untrustworthy on some occasion. But trust is a lot like loving. We may not feel loving or
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trusting but we can still act loving and trusting.
If a situation feels trustworthy or safe, it doesn't require much trust on our part. Trust is almost meaningless without some risk. I can say that I trust the chair I am sitting on, but that doesn't require much trust since that is the purpose of a chair. To trust our mate to not hurt us again after embarrassing us is another matter. This takes a lot more trust than sitting in a chair. It is a bold choice to trust.
A relationship cannot deepen in intimacy without trust. We must trust our mate to accept us if we are to risk self-disclosure and fulfill our desire for closeness.
9. Love is forgiving (1 Cor 13:5). Love "keeps no record of wrongs." It does not hold a grudge or seek to get even. Love forgives because God is love and God has forgiven us. We are compelled to forgive our spouse and to release him or her from any liability for the harm we have suffered.
Have you forgiven your mate for his or her insensitivity toward you recently? For the hurtful comment made toward you? Are you dwelling on the thought that you didn't deserve it? Or are you aware of the opportunity to love your mate by forgiving?
"Do you have to cook this meal so often?" you are asked when you worked all day and didn't feel like cooking at all. Your first impulse is to throw the meal on the floor and walk out of the room. However you decide to manage your own hurt. "Of course not, dear. But it is an easy meal to prepare after a long day's work. Why don't you help me next time and we can fix something that we both like better?"
10. Love protects (1 Cor 13:7). The phrase (KJV) "Beareth all things" is rendered in the NIV as love "always protects." Dr. Kenneth Bailey points out that love doesn't "leak."5 It keeps out what should be kept out and keeps in what should be kept in. For example, when we are truly loving, we will not allow
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another person to come between us and our mate. Our love will protect our relationship from another relationship. We will remain faithful to each other. We will keep out what doesn't belong between us.
Dr. Bailey also points out that love does not allow to leak out what should be kept inside the relationship. If our mate tells us a secret in confidence, our love will not leak out that secret to another. Love protects from leaking out.
It should be pointed out, however, that love is not overprotective. Love does not shield others from accepting responsibility for their own behavior. Love does not do for us what we should be learning to do for ourselves. Love holds us accountable for our actions.
11. Love hopes (1 Cor 13:7). Hope is the fuel of passion. Without hope, passion dwindles to nothing. The desire to be close to our mate needs the hope of at least occasional fulfillment. Love hopes for opportunities to be expressed. Love hopes for the best for the beloved. Love hopes to serve in all the ways mentioned above.
MORE BIBLICAL LOVE NOTES
Now that we have surveyed 1 Corinthians 13, let us look at other New Testament exhortations to love.
1. Love builds up (1 Thes. 5:11). Paul wants us to "encourage one another and build each other up. . . ." Furthermore, in 1 Corinthians 14:3 Paul connects encouragement and comfort with strengthening as if to say that one implies the other. So loving our spouse means to help build up and strengthen our mate with comfort and encouragement.
When our mate can't seem to find work, do we dump our anxieties and criticize him or her for not finding a job? Or do
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we offer affection and reassurance with words of trust, confidence, and belief in the one we love? Enjoying our mate's presence even when he or she is discouraged requires autonomy on our part. This can have a powerful regenerative effect on our partner, which gives him or her renewed strength and courage to keep trying.
Sometimes just being a good listener is the best way to console. If we are truly available to listen, our mate may begin to see things differently as he or she puts thoughts into complete sentences.
The Bible reveals many ways to encourage, comfort, and build up our mate:
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn (Rom 12:15).
Bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves (Rom 15:1).
Warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other (1 Thes 5:14-15).
Carry each other's burdens (Gal 6:2). This is what Paul means about building each other up.
2. Love serves. In John 13:14, Jesus says, "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet." It is not customary or meaningful in our culture to go around washing other people's feet. The point is to be thoughtful and responsive in serving others, even in menial ways. Offering a cup of coffee or a glass of water to someone is a small example of serving. Giving somebody a ride
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when they lack transportation, or just listening to somebody share his sadness when you would rather be somewhere else are also examples.
Galatians 5:13 tells us to serve one another in love. Pete helps Sylvia with the housework and Sylvia works to supplement the family income. They serve each other.
1 John 3:17 tells us to give our material possessions to our brother in need. People in our church bring canned and dried foods every Sunday which are taken to a local food bank to serve the hungry. Churches in our area take turns housing homeless people who are trying to save enough money to get back on their feet.
These are examples of loving through service.
3. Love is faithful (Gal 5:22). Love does not say one thing and do another. It is reliable and steadfast. Love is loyal and trustworthy. Love believes in itself and will not violate its own integrity or the trust that others place in it. Love follows through with its promises. It is consistent in its caring for another's welfare.
Whether we promise to pick up the children from school, go to the market on the way home from work, or remember our mate's birthday, we are loving when we are faithful. We provide stability for each other when we are so reliable that our mate knows what he or she can expect.
Keith has been faithful to Mary for over forty years. He stayed with her during her frightening transition from health to disability. He has also been faithful from day to day to see that she is cared for while he is at work.
Mary has been faithful also. Emotionally, it has not been easy for her to accept her plight. She has trusted God to give her meaning and purpose for her life under these terribly restricting circumstances. Furthermore, she has been faithful in praying for and supporting Keith emotionally in his demanding job as a
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minister. But more than that, God has opened opportunities for ministry for her as well, in teaching on marriage, developing a women's ministry, and assisting Keith in premarital and marriage seminars. Because of Mary's attitude and God's love, she continued to grow even through her disability.
There are other ways that love is faithful. If we meet somebody we find to be more interesting than our mate, loving commitment for our mate motivates faithfulness. We may need professional help in dealing with our feelings, but love behaves in a faithful manner.
4. Marital love is sexual (1 Cor 7:3-5). When the apostle Paul admonished the husbands and wives in the Corinthian church not to deprive each other of sexual relations, he did not mean to imply that there would never be situations where abstinence would be appropriate. Paul was speaking in the context of a sexually permissive society where prostitutes were used in worship to pagan deities. Paul was speaking about not associating with sexually immoral people (5:9).
In seeking to be clear about basic instruction for an immature and confused church, Paul was telling the average couple to limit their sexual expression of love to each other. He was advocating regular sexual relations in the context of marriage. Obviously regular sexual relations with our spouse makes it easier to remain faithful when society around us is encouraging immorality.
Couples who abstain from sexual relations out of respect for each other's needs are showing love to one another. However, a husband or wife who withholds sexual pleasure out of emotional immaturity and hurt feelings is not acting out of love. Those of us with unresolved problems of this nature should seek counseling from a trusted professional.
Women often ask if they should have intercourse with their husbands when they do not feel close to them. My response depends upon their answers to several questions. Why doesn't
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she feel close to her husband? Is he abusive? Unpredictably violent? Uncaring? Does he act nice only when he wants her in bed? This is not a loving situation and I do not believe a woman should have to have sexual relations under these conditions.
This couple should seek professional help, although the husband who acts like this will probably not be supportive of going to counseling. I would recommend that the wife initiate counseling on her own. Many times the husband eventually follows. Even though his attitude is not the best initially, many men are surprised at what they learn about themselves. They start to change.
Another consideration as to why a woman may not feel close to her husband is that she might be oversensitive and get her feelings hurt easily. If she tends to hold a grudge or finds it difficult to forgive, even when the husband is normally loving and nonabusive, she should seek help to learn about forgiveness and managing emotional pain. These feelings should not be allowed to interfere with a couple's sexual relationship.
There may be psychological problems that interfere with a woman wanting sex with her husband. Ronda has been unable to make love with her husband ever since she was raped several years ago. She should have sought help much sooner than she did but she was frightened, embarrassed, and uncertain anything could be done. Fortunately she did find healing, but she and her husband were celibate for quite a long time. It would not have been appropriate for her to engage in forced sex relations prior to working through her unresolved pain and fears from this abusive situation.
Recently men have been forming support groups for husbands of sexually abused women. The husbands are victims as well, since their sexual needs are not being satisfied. They need to be able to talk about their concerns with men who can understand their situation.
Finally, there are physiological problems that can make sex undesirable for a partner. When this is the case, sexual relations
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should not be required, but medical advice should be sought. When sexual problems are of physical origin rather than psychological, it is still possible to have a feeling of closeness between the husband and wife. This is assuming that there is an open line of communication between them. Under these conditions, they sing their love songs to one another without demanding more than the other can give of a sexual nature.
MARITAL COMMITMENT AND GIVING LOVE
Even with this brief survey of the biblical view of love, it is clear that love is a matter of being consistent in our giving to others. Marital commitment is a promise to treat our mate with loving behavior even when it feels difficult to do so. If we believe that marital love is more about giving than getting, then any difficulties our spouse has in loving us should not affect the strength of our marriage. Furthermore, if both husband and wife are committed to giving as the criteria for their personal fulfillment in marriage, their marriage will be very sturdy.
When our commitment to someone is based upon how well they perform for us or meet our needs, it makes for a shaky, not a stable relationship. All of us are human; we let each other down at times. However, if we accept the responsibility for our own giving as having deep personal meaning, then both parties enjoy added stability in the relationship.
The Scriptures tell us to love God and others. It is my belief that ultimate fulfillment in life comes from believing in our own significance as representatives of God's love. We have access to the power of God in our lives to love others; as children of God, our lives possess true significance.
If we reflect only upon the immediate pleasure of feeling comfortable and secure, we will become materialistic and superficial in our understanding of life. However, if we look beyond these temporal gratifications to the spiritual dimension for
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meaning and significance to our lives, we can discover a new kind of fulfillment that makes comfort and security become secondary concerns. This makes the composition of our love songs a truly inspired work of art.
Keith and Mary recognize that their significance and personal fulfillment lie in being committed to God as well as to each other. Marriage for them cannot be separated from a relationship with God. The joy of participating in God's loving purposes is the motivation that inspires their love for each other. Mary's disabled body is a daily reminder to them both of how limited and easily lost are the comforts of this world and life itself. Their fulfillment is at a higher level. Knowing God enables them to find ultimate meaning in their mutual love.
The marriages that have stability and peace amidst pain and struggle are those wherein people believe in the power and significance of their own love. A key word here is "believe," for what we believe makes all the difference in the nature of our commitment. If we believe simply that our needs and personal comfort are the most important basis of our relationship, our marital commitment will rest shakily on this premise. And when our needs and comfort no longer exist, there will be nothing to sustain the relationship. However, if we believe that love and marriage have profound significance for giving meaning to our lives, then our marital commitment will be founded upon something substantial that will carry us through the darkest periods of our lives together as husband and wife.
Keith and Mary understand that tragedy and suffering cannot undermine agape love. They realize as they look into the heavens that love is a lot like the stars:
"Sadness is love's very special season,
To share itself more nobly than before;
Like the stars, the darkness is the reason,
Love can shine so brightly all the more."
Eugene Whitney
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Exercising our power to love and care for another person can bring us a deep satisfaction. Even if loving another costs us personal sacrifice, and even if the one whom we are loving doesn't recognize it as such and rejects us, we can still find the satisfaction of significance in caring for another.
When Doris made her adulterous husband Dale move out of the house until he was willing to give up his girlfriend, she was misunderstood by Dale as being unloving. This was not the case, however. The most difficult thing for her to do was to ask him to leave because she knew that she might lose him altogether if she forced the issue. But by forcing him to make a decision, she was loving him into being responsible rather than riding the fence. She was loving him by not sponsoring his adulterous behavior. Yet he felt unloved because she was making him uncomfortable. Love, however, is not always comforting or indulgent. As we have already discovered, we must not make decisions based upon what will make people like us. Love acts according to what it believes, not according to what feels good.
Think what the world would be like today if everyone practiced "tough love."6 It is sad that people do not believe in their own love enough to be firm with their loved ones. Perhaps they never had their love affirmed by anyone.
God himself has loved us with a perfect love of personal sacrifice, gracious forgiveness, and loving acceptance. We human beings, recipients of God's loving attention, are called to imitate God's love. We find our worth in what we believe about God's love toward us. Although we may not always "feel" loving, we can keep ourselves on the loving track by thinking carefully, choosing biblical beliefs about love, and acting upon them. All of our love songs in marriage are based upon our belief in God's love for us.
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In this chapter we have reviewed what love looks like according to the New Testament. Marital commitment is a promise to be loving toward our mate. The commitment to love our mate
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is strongest when it is based upon a belief in the value of our own love song, rather than upon what we can get from our marriage.
Sounds good, doesn't it? Let's build on this principle as we move on to discuss the staying power necessary to strengthen and support such commitment.
