The Enduring Love
Song
As important as it is to sing our love song to our mate, it is not always easy to do. Some people seem easier to love than others. Yet if we are to be committed to our marriage, we must accept responsibility for loving our mate, even when we do not feel like doing so. This is the love song of commitment—living out our love in both good and bad times.
Sometimes there are situations where we would like to believe we are exempt from following through on this promise. Although most people get married expecting the best, an incredible number of couples have second thoughts about their marriage after a few years. Something unexpected often appears in the relationship to make people think they were somehow tricked into a painful partnership that they never wanted. Marriage usually seems like a pretty good idea on the wedding day. Yet, for whatever reasons people marry, most are surprised to discover how things can change over time. When relationships don't work out the way we imagined they would, singing our love song becomes difficult at best.
Jan didn't realize how negative Tom could be until after she married him. Joe hadn't noticed how much Cindy depended on him for things she should be doing for herself. It is amazing
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how much we are able to overlook when we are under the spell of romantic expectations. Time and experience, however, tend to reveal things as they really are. As we get to know our mate better in the married state, we may realize that we got more than we expected. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes it is not.
The frustration and disappointment people often face present yet another opportunity to sing a love song. Those truly committed to giving are aware that marriage is not so much finding the right person as being the right person. This is not a simple matter. How can we be the right, loving person God intends for us to be when our marriage, for one reason or another, is a source of pain and disappointment for us?
Although our response is to be one of love, there are different kinds of loving behavior for different situations. All difficult situations should not necessarily be treated alike. For example, the abusive mate should not be treated the same as the mate who is severely ill physically. Yet both present a challenge of disappointment and pain, and both need a loving response. Let us look at a few of these difficult situations and how we might sing our love song even in our pain and disappointment.
THE OVERCOMMITTED SPOUSE
It is wonderful when two people are both committed to their marriage. However, quite often one spouse will also overcommit to activities outside of the marriage. I did it myself just this week. My wife has gently reminded me and I know she is right. Arleen and I both enjoy life and tend to want to do more than we are able. When either of us becomes overinvolved, we both lose.
When Carl and Marilyn came to me for counseling, Marilyn was concerned that Carl was putting in so much time coaching his Little League baseball team. Carl loved baseball and this was a great diversion for him from his daily routine at the office.
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However, it took so much time that Marilyn was really feeling unimportant to him.
Carl would say, "I know you want more of my time, Marilyn. But frankly I get a lot out of coaching the boys and I don't want to give it up." Carl enjoyed coaching his baseball team more than he enjoyed his marriage.
Marilyn is a perky, upbeat brunette whom most men would find attractive. She is sensitive and responsive. She was open to self-examination, deeply spiritual, and committed to loving her husband. How does she cope with her overcommitted husband when she is low on his priority list?
We must always keep in mind that no matter what we do, there is no guarantee that we will get what we want. However if we do not try something, we are assuring our own disappointment. Therefore the first step is always to ask for what we want.
Marilyn can say, "Carl, I am glad you enjoy coaching the boys. I can see how important that is for you and I want you to be happy. I try to be independent during these times so that you can enjoy yourself. I even come to some of the games to support you in what you are doing. But I feel a strong need to have your attention sometimes. I need to feel your interest in my life as well. When do you think the two of us could do something together?"
Marilyn may or may not get what she wants, but she has a better chance of having time with her husband if she asks for what she wants in a kind way rather than blaming him for how things have been in the past.
THE ALOOF SPOUSE
An aloof person is distant, withdrawn, and unrevealing. The classical example is the "introvert," who very frequently marries an extrovert. Introverts are not always antisocial. They just like a lot of time alone to think, without having to react to external
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stimulation. The introvert-extrovert marriage does not have to be a problem unless the individuals are extremely polarized and stubborn.
When Jan and Jerry came to see me for counseling, it was clear that Jerry didn't want to be there. He initiated nothing, never smiled, and answered my questions as briefly and as non-committally as possible.
Jan was an outgoing person who needed attention from other people. She had always thought that Jerry was a good listener. However, over time she became disappointed to realize that Jerry wasn't always listening. In fact, the more she talked, the more he turned out. Even when he was listening he didn't interact much with what she said.
Jerry was an introvert. Unfortunately, that's partly why he wasn't inclined to speak up about his need to have time alone. His quiet withdrawal made Jan anxious and angry. The more demanding she got, the more stubborn Jerry became in his withdrawal. They became more and more polarized over time, each feeling controlled by the other.
If Jan had paid more attention to Jerry's needs, and if Jerry could have talked more openly about his need for time alone, they could have been more loving to each other.
How can we sing our love song to an aloof spouse? As with any person we love, we must be sensitive to that person's needs as well as to our own. We need to tell him or her that we recognize the need for privacy and time alone, but that we have a need for intimate conversation and sharing of feelings. The aloof spouse may not be able to give us what we want, but it is still our responsibility to reveal what we want, providing the chance to respond.
It is important to remember that blaming our aloof mate will only make him or her withdraw even more. We may have to ask questions and wait patiently for our mate to think before they respond. Those of us who are very verbal often lose patience with a quiet mate. We may not be comfortable with silence, but
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we must learn to be patient and recognize that everyone is not able to express themselves as quickly as we might like.
Actually Jerry wanted to be more expressive. He lived in constant emotional pain and embarrassment over his inability to speak more confidently. In Jerry's case, he had been rejected by his parents and raised by his grandparents, who totally dominated him. They always had to be the center of attention, so early on Jerry had learned that there was never any room for his feelings to be expressed in their presence. Jerry never learned to expect anyone to care about what he had to say. Thus he failed to develop a natural fluency in revealing himself.
Jan didn't understand the extent of Jerry's difficulty when she married him. She took his aloofness personally. Jan had to learn that to sing her love song to Jerry she was going to have to accept his needs for time to himself and seek more social involvement with her girlfriends. This would meet some of her needs that Jerry is not able to satisfy. As she becomes more sensitive to Jerry and less demanding, she has a better chance of him opening up to her.
THE CONTROLLING SPOUSE
Some people find themselves with a marital partner who likes to control everything. Such was the case for Doreen. She always thought Dennis was such a gentleman and admired him for always knowing what to do in every situation. However, once they were married, she began to feel like a 10-watt light bulb next to a 100-watt light bulb. She felt that he outshined her entirely, as if her presence made no difference to him at all. When they were out in public together she felt secure with his leadership. However, in the privacy of their home she perceived these same traits as domineering and controlling. Doreen couldn't cope with his dominance.
While Dennis was very much as Doreen described him, she
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was part of her own problem by never letting Dennis know how she felt. Actually, he would back down when she would speak up about how he was affecting her. He would even respond appropriately when he was aware of what she wanted. What he did not do was to attempt to read her mind. He assumed she would speak out on her own behalf as he did for himself. However, Doreen found it difficult to ask for what she wanted. Able to keep her feelings "bottled up" for a limited time, Doreen would eventually explode. She would act as if she really had no expectation of being heard on a normal level. As she burst forth in a sudden tirade of yelling and screaming, Dennis, with his mouth hanging open in astonishment, would wonder what in the world had set her off.
Both of them needed to take more responsibility for their own behavior. Doreen needed to stand up to her controlling spouse. For example, instead of fuming because she had to prepare the evening meal alone after working all day, Doreen could say, "Dennis, I am working on the meat and potatoes. Would you please make us a salad?"
Many of us who feel dominated have felt this way throughout our lives. Because we don't feel we have any control, we automatically react defensively in the face of the authority of others. However, if we remain calm, firm, and pleasant, we might be surprised at the response we get.
It is always easier to blame another for being controlling, but blame often reflects our fear of not being taken seriously. Those of us who fail to accept our own authority to speak up on our own behalf should not be surprised when the force of a dominant personality overwhelms us. Letting our mate know how we are affected by his or her actions and attitudes can help counter our defenseless feelings in the face of our mate's power. Only when we develop a sense of our own autonomy and exercise our own authority does the fear of speaking up subside.
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THE CRITICAL SPOUSE
Some people complain of having a spouse who is critical. Before we are too quick to diagnose our mate as critical, however, we must evaluate how dependent we ourselves are upon the approval of others. If it happens that we rely heavily upon others for our self-esteem, we will be more sensitive to criticism than if we have a strong belief in our own worth. In other words, is our spouse truly being critical or are we being hypersensitive, tending to take things too personally? This is not easy to determine without an objective third party.
Don and Ann came to my office because they were having some communication problems. Just after Ann had put a plate of spaghetti in front of Don for dinner, he took one bite and told her he didn't care much for spaghetti. How should this statement be interpreted? Oversensitive people would be insulted and hurt by this statement. They would react as if they heard their mate say, "You can't even make a decent batch of spaghetti." Yet it is perfectly reasonable for a person to decide not to like spaghetti as much as some of the other available menu options. Although the timing of this statement may imply that this particular batch of spaghetti was the deciding factor, this is not necessarily the case. Even if it were true, it is appropriate for Don to state how he feels and what he would prefer in the future.
On the other hand, if we are certain that our mate is definitely being critical and insensitive, we must be firm but nondefensive in dealing with our mate. If we are defensive or critical in return, we will only fuel an argument that will drive us and our mate further apart. It would be better to say, "Don, I am sorry that my cooking doesn't please you. But I need you to tell me what you do want without putting me down for what I have tried to do for you. I get discouraged when I don't know what I can do differently to please you."
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Notice that Ann is asking for what she wants while not putting Don down for his critical behavior. She may have to repeat this kind of statement many, many times before Don begins to take her seriously. At least Ann is treating herself with respect in the meantime.
I must warn you against something at this point. People often say they have tried dealing with their mate in ways as I have suggested above and "it doesn't work." Their spouse continues to be dependent, aloof, controlling, critical, or whatever.
It is important to recognize that we are all free entities and we cannot control how others will respond to us. If we could control our mate, it would render the relationship meaningless. The purpose for sharing our feelings with our mate is not to control him or her, but to give the other person the opportunity to know and understand our needs better. In this way they can decide how they will respond to us in the future.
Once our partner hears how we feel, he or she may—or may not—try to meet that need. That is not our decision or responsibility. Some people have a difficult time changing. Others need a lot of consistent but kind confrontation to help them. But telling our mate what we want in a kind and constructive manner may be the only catalyst for change.
THE PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE SPOUSE
Physical abuse can be inflicted by either a husband or wife, although most perpetrators are men. Perhaps the wife has failed to meet her husband's expectations in some way, or his employment is not going well, or maybe he has had a few drinks on the way home. When he gets home he starts complaining and putting down his wife. When she objects to his irrational behavior, he begins to get violent. Her reaction, whatever it is,
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enrages him and he hits her or possibly even rapes her. How do we sing a love song to someone who is abusing us?
People who are married to physically abusive spouses are often unaware that they deserve any better treatment. This may sound strange to anyone who has never been abused. But for some, it is easier to tolerate abuse than to risk leaving the familiar and face the unknown. A woman may feel financially trapped with nowhere to go for help.
As Christians, our ultimate purpose is to love and glorify God by receiving his love and expressing it to others. Hopefully God is glorified by our marriage as we treat one another with loving behavior. Yet not every marriage honors God. Even in Christian homes there have been abusive situations that do not glorify God by reflecting his love in marriage. We cannot control our mate's behavior, but we must assume responsibility for our own. If we enable our mate to abuse us, we are participating in that person's behavior, which is dishonoring to God.
Our love song to an abusive spouse must be one of courage, whereby we stand up for what we believe and force our mate to face the consequences of such irresponsible behavior. Many women think that God wants them to be submissive to their husband's abuse. They fail to recognize that submission is to be mutual and out of loving respect (see Colossians 3:18-19). One-sided submission only allows insecure husbands to act irresponsibly while contradicting the broader view of Scripture to love one another mutually with patience and kindness (see 1 Corinthians 13:4).
Love is not indulgent. It holds people accountable for their actions. This helps them to grow in greater self-respect. "Tough" loving teaches others how to love and therefore glorifies God.
Jenny is a beautiful, middle-aged woman with three children. She loves her husband and has no desire to leave him. Jack is terribly insecure in spite of his incredible professional accomplishments
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as a successful dentist. He accuses Jenny of being interested in other men and frequently beats her up at home. Being a member of a church doesn't seem to make any difference in Jack's life. How many black eyes should Jenny suffer before she puts an end to this irrational behavior? It is reasonable to suffer for something in which we believe, and Jenny believed in her love for Jack. But she was having difficulty believing in Jack's love for her.
What was the most loving thing for her to do? Was it really loving for her to indulge Jack in his emotional immaturity and irresponsibility? Was it really loving for her to enable him to continue his abusive and destructive behavior? Was this really honoring to God to allow this abuse to continue? I do not believe so. Professional or pastoral counseling could be helpful here. It is difficult for victims of abuse to be objective about God's will for them.
In a situation like this where God's intent for marriage has been frustrated,1 I believe it is more honoring to God for Jenny to separate from Jack so that he will be forced to look at himself and develop self-control. Of course the goal would be for Jenny to forgive Jack and reconcile with him if he could demonstrate true repentance and self-control.
Consideration of the following questions may be useful for an abused person contemplating separation:
1. Does your spouse try to control you with threats?
2. Is your physical safety threatened?
3. Are your children being abused physically or emotionally?
4. Does your mate admit to having a problem?
5. Has your mate been willing to seek help?
6. Has your mate shown any ability to benefit from professional help?
7. Are you strong enough emotionally and spiritually to deal with your abusive mate?
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8. Are you becoming depressed or dysfunctional?
9. Is your self-esteem improving or getting worse due to this relationship?
10. Are you staying in the relationship out of fear or out of loving commitment?
11. Have you told your mate that he or she is hurting you and/or the children and you need the abuse to stop?
Marital commitment seeks to sing an enduring love song. However, sometimes we must endure from a distance. There are certain situations that, after careful consideration, may best be resolved by separation as an act of love toward the abuser. Love confronts a problem and is not indulgent of irresponsibility. This includes verbal and emotional abuse as well as physical abuse.
THE ILL SPOUSE
Sometimes it is not possible for our spouse to meet our needs even if he or she wanted to do so. Illness limits one's ability to give. Besides physical limitations, the resulting discomfort can cause one to be irritable and difficult to be around for extended periods of time. People in this position may need to hear a marital love song more than ever as they seek to cope with their condition.
Although many people remain cranky and bitter about their plight, I am amazed at how well some people do adjust to their circumstances. They learn to integrate their illness into their lifestyle and find creative ways to adapt to their condition. They learn to sing their own love song of inspiration to the caregiving spouse simply by their positive attitude of acceptance.
It is probably easier for the healthy partner to adapt to these difficult situations when the ill spouse has a positive attitude. Nevertheless, it is a major adjustment for both. Both have many
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unmet needs. How then do we deal with these needs not being met?
We have already discussed the importance of asking for what we want. This is more difficult to do with an ill spouse because of possibly unchanging limitations. In this case we must learn to ask for something that is within his or her ability to provide. This serves not only to meet our own needs, but also to help our mate feel genuinely valued in the relationship. People with severe limitations must work hard to find meaning and purpose for their lives. We can help them by affirming what they are able to give us.
What can Keith ask from his quadriplegic wife, Mary, who relies on others for practically everything?
"Mary, I am nervous about my meeting with the committee today. I would appreciate your prayers."
"I am really discouraged, dear. I guess I really need your encouragement and support."
"I love your kisses. I hope you don't run out of them."
"What do you think about my situation at work? How would you handle it?"
Although the ways an ill spouse can give may be limited in scope, his or her contribution can still be significant.
COPING WITH UNMET NEEDS
Now we must deal with how to handle ourselves when our needs are truly not met. We feel that we are doing all of the giving and none of the receiving. We have asked for what we want but have never gotten what we desire from our mate. We feel deeply hurt, frustrated, angry, and depressed. Our desires are never satisfied, our tensions are not resolved, and our lives are
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not finding satisfaction or fulfillment. What are we to do?
First of all, we must accept our humanness and face our feelings of disappointment and despair. Those who make the best adjustment to these difficult situations are those of us who are honest with ourselves about our feelings and allow ourselves to release pain. Tears are God's way of enabling us to release the emotional tension created by our pain. Releasing pain can either be done privately or with a trusted friend of the same sex. I recommend being with someone of the same sex because your vulnerability with someone of the opposite sex can facilitate a dangerous bonding between you that will only complicate your life if it occurs. If you have no one of your own gender with whom to share your pain, you might ask yourself why that is the case and seek to improve your situation. Counseling with your pastor may be beneficial at this point, not only to help you establish needed friendships, but to have a supportive person in your life until you can cultivate the needed friendships.
I would never want to discourage anyone from getting the counseling they need. But I do feel constrained to warn any potential counselee who is vulnerable and in need of emotional support to pay attention to how your counselor relates to you if you are being seen individually by a counselor of the opposite sex. Most ministers and counselors are safe to be with, but they are also human and may be going through a lonely time themselves.
In order to avoid any breach of professional conduct, you should be aware of and watch for a few things. Does your counselor have a picture of his or her spouse in the office? Is he or she wearing a wedding ring? Is there a window in the office? Does your counselor reveal personal details about himself or herself, or is the time spent focused on your issues as it should be? Remember that self-disclosure creates intimacy. If your counselor is being personally revealing to you when he or she knows you are vulnerable, this could be a danger sign. A professional
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minister-counselor should be sensitive, kind, and objective in dealing with your concerns. They should not be open personally with an opposite sex client who is vulnerable. This could lead to physical intimacy which is always inappropriate in a counseling relationship.
Being open and vulnerable in the presence of another person is threatening to some of us and easy for others. Those of us who find it difficult seek to avoid our painful feelings whenever possible. Yet this removes us from a conscious connection with our own feelings which is so important to healthy functioning. Those of us who have not learned to face our own emotional pain often turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or whatever we can find to temporarily comfort ourselves. This only leads us, however, into addictive behavior. We don't realize that the best resolution to emotional pain is to experience it as fully as possible, preferably in the context of loving support from a trusted friend, relative, pastor, or counselor.
The next step in coping with marital frustration is to develop a network of friends from whom we can receive much of the loving acceptance and open communication we may not be getting at home. These relationships may be enjoyed on many levels. When we are hurting over our marriage, we have someone with whom to talk. When we simply need social contact, our same-gender friends may appreciate our call. By accepting responsibility for our own personal needs, we will have more positive experiences and feelings to share with our mate when we are together. This should enable us to be less frustrated and less demanding of our husband or wife.
The third suggestion for coping with a difficult marriage is to practice the presence of God in our life. The Scriptures tell us that God will never leave us or forsake us (see Hebrews 13:5). We can find strength in our relationship with God (see Psalm 46:1) and we can cast our burdens upon him (see 1 Peter 5:7), finding strength (see Psalm 55:22). Nothing can separate us
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from his love (see Romans 8:38-39). Prayer and meditation can give us strength when we need it the most.
We sing a love song of commitment by asking for what we want while also accepting the personal limitations of our mate's response to us. Accepting people for who they are without resentment is more likely when we accept responsibility for our own pain and reach out to God and our church community for alternative resources that can nurture us in positive, wholesome ways. We may not always sing on key, but these special efforts enable us to sing and to keep singing an enduring love song to our mate.
Finally, let's round out our discussion of marital commitment by considering the role played by our often-subconscious beliefs and expectations. We need to learn more about ourselves, especially if we want to head off trouble before it cripples our marriage.
