A Worm In The
Apple
Life for the single woman has never looked better. Professionally she can enter almost any field her abilities and inner drive might inspire. The career woman is definitely a positive concept in today's world. She often owns her own car, has her own house, and has the freedom to order her life without having to take others into account. An aura, a mystique hovers over her.
But that's only half the story. The single woman must still battle the instinct of her heart and body, the injustice of discrimination, and sometimes even a feminist raid on her value system. If she is restless, there is irony in her discontent. There aren't enough men to go around: 105 women to every 100 men. And some of the women who have the men seem strangely unhappy with the idea of belonging to them. They complain of having lost their identity, while it may seem to the unmarried women that society is structured to give identity only to the married. There's a worm in the apple no matter where you bite!
"Little girls want to be princesses, but little boys don't want to be princes," writes Sydney Harris, "and from those two different starting points come all the confusions, contradictions, and cross-purposes of courtship and marriage." And we might add — nonmarriage.
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Many single women have to wrestle repeatedly with the longing to be married. Loneliness is very real. It is hardly an issue one settles once for all. A woman generally has a stronger sense of the need for a personal bond than a man, and linking her life with the right man makes sense to a woman. Observing this, some have categorized women as dependent, which is not necessarily so. Dependency has different connotations than the innate desire to be part of someone else. A desire to give herself is part of a woman's genetic make-up.
Handling this inner longing presents a problem to the single woman. She may often feel frustrated and even angry at God. She may feel deprived of sex and motherhood. She may not be sufficiently career-oriented to find natural satisfaction in other roles. She resents a society where males have the privilege of initiative, and females must wait to be asked. But she has to feign contentment. If she allows her disappointment at being unmarried to show, she becomes the brunt of jokes and ridicule. Others sympathize if she sorrows over a lost love, but if no dashing cavalier, whether bold, fat, or handsome, has ever appeared on the scene she must carry on as if she didn't care. In fact, the church often asks her to be super-human about her disappointment.
Fortunately, the road has turned so that open, honest admissions are easier and the world offers a variety of opportunities and personal fulfillments. The single woman looks around and cannot help seeing a disproportionate number of restless, frustrated married women. If she is wise, she probably will question what does make a woman happy anyway. It is true that we tend to be dreamers, however. We often envy the privileges of others and are sure we would never have their difficulties. The single woman who wants to marry is not comforted by the failures of others. We take only
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positive examples when we make our comparisons and complaints. That's human optimism, and it's a good thing. Offering consolation to a single woman by suggesting that at least she's avoiding the unhappiness of some marriages may only show you don't understand her predicament.
Somewhere along the line women ought to catch on that marriage does not automatically equal happiness. But it may still seem like a pleasant out from a world where personal female value is computed by the relationship a woman has with a man. "Failure" for a woman - in some circles - is to be not chosen by a man.
The 1970s ushered in a different tone for male/female relationships. With more career options open and more respect in the marketplace, women are working alongside men in a new camaraderie. And many are delaying marriage. Whether from fear of commitment, or wanting to keep their options open as long as possible, most single women today have mainstreamed in the career track.
It doesn't matter which a woman chooses — happy in career or longing for marriage — her self-view is critical. The only relationship that defines our worth is the one we have with God. Every woman should have the chance to be her unique self without the trappings and trimmings of psychological hangups or society's pressures. She not only has the right to be an individual, she has the obligation to be one. She cannot make any useful contribution to life unless she does. After all, the purpose of life is to live it eagerly and without fear. The single woman may long to be able to sign her name "Mrs. Ted Jones," while the married woman fusses about having no identity other than "Ted's wife" or "Sara's mother." Both positions are ridiculous. It reminds me of a song, you only want it 'cause you haven't got it.
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When the Bible refers to women it usually speaks about married women. This is a societal norm. But can you take phrases which refer to married women and paste them on unmarried women? For instance, in Genesis when God speaks to Eve about her future, he says, "Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you." What does this say to the single woman? Does it say that a single woman should let men "rule over her"? In Ephesians 5:22 and 1 Corinthians 11:3, wives are to be submissive to their husbands, the husband being the head of the relationship. While a general principle of the leadership of man exists throughout Scripture there seems little basis for saying that all women must be submissive to all men. Rather both men and women are urged to be submissive to one another (Ephesians 5:21), thus displaying the Christian graces of humility and love and reflecting their common submission to Jesus Christ. Submission comes out of relationship.
I think it is safe to say that women want leadership from men, and part of their rebellion comes at the failure of men to act responsibly. Many a dominant, nagging wife is secretly crying out for the man to do what he ought to do. But leadership is different than lording it over the woman. Paul says that the whole plan is God's idea; male and female share dependent relationships (1 Corinthians 11:11-12).
Women are exploited emotionally about physical beauty. Badgered by Madison Avenue's manipulation of a natural desire to be attractive, many women go through painful anxieties over their appearance. And that's not all bad. Every woman ought to look as good as she can. Sloppiness is no virtue; neither is a head of hair that needs a good styling job. Perfume smells better than body odor. Too many rolls of fat are neither healthy nor pretty; and a
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scrubbed-looking face is more pleasant than an overly-painted one. Looking our best makes us stand taller and gives us more confidence.
Our mistake comes when we derive our value from our physical appearance. If we believe that an unattractive nose makes an unattractive person, we've lost the battle at the first pass. In respect to ourselves, we must not be found hating thick ankles more than an ugly soul!
More important than beauty is the reputation of your person. What words do people use to describe you? What words would you like them to use? The discrepancy in your answers may indicate what your priorities should be.
All women are potentially selfish simply because they are human. The hazards for single women to become rigid and self-centered are greater. The married woman will have her selfishness contested by both her husband and her children. If she doesn't outgrow it, she leaves a scar on more than one life. The disaster for the single person comes when she retreats from inter-personal relationships and increasingly grows inflexible, opinionated, set in her ways, and miserably self-centered.
Some women are neurotic; they may need to change either their job or their outside interests. Others have sharp, shrill voices; they need to relax inside and learn how to laugh and play. Some women come into any friend's life like a two-ton Mack truck; they need to examine what dominance-need makes them act this way. Some women have trouble loving, and need to learn the freedom love brings.
But many women grow older and single with quiet good humor and rich lives. They spread love and light and joy around because they have a large supply of it inside. They enter the lives of others with an easy grace. They are interesting, loving human beings who aren't obsessed with
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their singleness. Men like them; so do women. Usually they have a high calling and are doing what they enjoy.
These women have not let singleness define life for them. They are confident of their personal worth and live with a wholesome awareness and aliveness to the world that belies any stereotyped image. No one pities them because their lives are wide and full and rich.
In fact, the kind of single women I am thinking about could rightly be called sensuous. Sensuous is a word that needs to be rescued from purely sexual connotations. To be sensuous means to be present in every moment of life — feeling life, enjoying it, learning, exploring, appreciating the world God made and the people in it. It is simply to be alive in one's senses.
Many of these women have given themselves to large purposes in life. They may feel called by God not to marry to fulfill the task, to use the gift, to finish the job. In short, they are caught up in an adventure larger than their own life, and in the end this is what makes life significant and fulfilling for anyone.
In particular, women have done an incredible job in the mission of the church with an enthusiasm and a dedication that puts men to shame. Women counselors, teachers, doctors, nurses, translation specialists, writers — the list of noble achievements is known only to God. The important factor for us to observe is that these women have linked their life with God and the ultimate meaning of the universe. Anyone who looks at such a woman and bemoans, "What a pity she didn't marry!" has a small view of what living is all about. From my point of view, I'd rather ask a question about the judgment of the men who passed up these noble women to choose an often shallow, self-centered woman instead. But I am content to let God be the
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Sovereign who calls such women into adventure with Himself.
Some women decide that they do not want to marry and settle into a single life. They do not live with either the joy or sorrow of expectancy. Others take matters into their own hands and maneuver for marriage, sometimes with a panic that lacks the dignity of personhood. Whichever the case, such women can cut themselves off from the surprises of God. The "resigned" woman, whether married or single, lacks the vibrancy that expectation brings. And if a woman knows a creative God she may be in for all sorts of surprises.
Why do you want to marry? is an important question. Marrying for the wrong reasons has brought all the miseries the single woman can't avoid noticing. Grabbing at marriage to fill inner emptiness soon reveals that marriage is a false god. Marriage does not change one's essential character or nature. Nor is it a happiness button. A second question, Are you becoming the person whom the kind of man you want would marry? We keep wanting to conjugate the verbs to find, to want, to do, forgetting that the most important verb is to be. What you are becoming is vitally important.
Reasons for marriage usually fall in the category labeled human or emotional or physical. Safety, protection, companionship, provision, sex, status — the list could go on. But the list is only valid for a Christian when the larger spiritual factor is taken into consideration: Is this marriage the will of God? And the will of God lines up with the principles of marriage found in the Scriptures.
Which brings us to the point of the goodness of God. God's will is never second best; His will is always first best! To define for God the only way you can be happy is to say you don't really believe in either His goodness or His love. And when life isn't going according to our dreams, it's easy to ask,
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"How can a good God do this?" The Bible assures us that He calls each of us by name; all the "walls" of our lives are clearly known to Him. The first step to real life is always hooked up to our relationship with God. If we do not believe we are loved by Him we can go on an endless search for love. It is not idle, easy talk to say that our most profound contentment is found in Christ.
If she fails to believe in the goodness and love of God, strange things can happen to a woman. She grows brittle inside. Blaming external circumstance for lack of fulfillment or frustration, she uses the cutting edge of sarcasm to make her way through life. Or she becomes uptight, a kind of pseudo woman, domineering and brusque. Harboring resentments, making mountains out of mole hills, she throws her failures on someone else. She begins to live against the world. It's the dread disease of dissatisfied womanhood.
Every woman has to work through her own set of barriers. She cannot do this as long as she refuses to face reality. A woman's challenge is to make a success either of one's celibacy or one's marriage. Both require effort, commitment, and development of inner resources. If a woman spends her time dreaming only of what could be or living in an unreal existence, she ceases to live in the now. And no one is attracted to an empty shell. You don't start living when a man comes into your life; you have to live now. You have to be someone worth knowing whether married or single, if life is to be rich.
But what about sex? you ask. Every magazine you pick up features either articles or advertisements for books or products elaborating the importance of the sexual experience. Never has history known such diligent struggle over the orgasm. It's like a strange cult. Everything you've ever wanted to know or experience is studied in a laboratory. Sex becomes
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the summum bonum of life. And I've heard women say, "It would be terrible to die never having known a man sexually." And some have sold their souls for a cheap experience. The woman's right to an orgasm has become a tenet of militant feminism.
We do have a sex drive. Admit it. You can talk to God about it, since He gave it to you. Sexual desire is real. But no one has died yet from perpetual virginity, and sublimation does not scar the psyche. Sex is not a basic human need; love is.
Mental and physical health demand that we act wholesomely on this point and refuse to buy the world's point of view. This may mean that upon awaking we refuse to lie in bed thinking sleepy, erotic thoughts. We learn how to discipline our thought life and we plan a program of physical exercise to work off some steam, just as men do who make a commitment to chastity.
Because of propaganda that overestimates the worth of the sexual experience as a thing in itself, some women have fallen into the trap of masturbation. Affluence provides privacy, and for those looking for a phony thrill, the magazines even offer manipulators for sale. The woman who thus involves herself in self-love digs a pit for herself that only has a miry bottom. Increasingly normal relationships lose their value and a sickness of self-absorption destroys one's self-respect. It's the devil's lie because it says that God is cheating you from what you need; you have to supply your own needs, contrary to His Word which says, "And my God will meet all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19). Playing dumb is no feminine virtue; neither is playing with yourself or exploiting some other female in the game called lesbianism. Beware of propaganda that suggests worship at the wrong shrine. The wise woman looks beyond momentary satisfaction to ask "What will I be like at 65?"
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Never be content with trivia. You can squeeze your heart dry over nothing. The attitude of faith is the only truly human one because it gets us beyond ourselves and focuses our attention on the purpose in the universe. We can be conscious of doubts, but we need to be more conscious of God. We need to get our approval, our sense of being loved and of being worthwhile from Him, not from the response of those around us.
A fearful spirit plagues some women and keeps them from trying anything new. I've tried skiing and as soon as I think I'm going to fall, I fall. It's like the verse in Proverbs 22:13 where the sluggard says, "There is a lion outside! I shall be slain in the streets!" So we stay inside, we wait, we don't live.
In the final analysis, whether a woman is married or single, she has two choices: either to live her life reluctantly or with conviction. If she lives it with conviction she will find an outlet in life, a way to use her energy, her love, her gifts, her mind — her totality — in a way that will bring deep fulfillment. A single woman who thinks marriage is the only worthwhile adventure is going to have a shriveled life. She needs to like what she is doing now. And with all the choices in the world and given a creative God, it isn't likely that a person cannot find a niche in life that already has her name on it. It may be a growing niche, but she won't find it if she lives like a butterfly, flitting from place to place, unwilling to commit herself to the discipline of self-discovery.
For some this will be working in partnership with or assisting a worthy man, making a contribution to his work, enjoying his friendship and the camaraderie of work. For others it will be soaring to new heights on your own. Since femininity is enhanced by masculinity, the intellectual and social exchange with men is a desirable part of life, and it falls in the realm of meaningful friendships which enhance our lives.
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I think single women can realistically pray for these kinds of male friendships. The quickest way not to realize them is to communicate that you have more in mind than friendship.
No substitute for godliness exists for any woman. God has in mind an abundant life for every believer. If we are not growing it is because we have not handled what God has told us to handle. We can complain about our lot in life and fuss over our lack of understanding and be much like Job. He was only comforted when God showed him who He was. An adequate view of God takes care of lots of foolishness. His command in our lives is permission, not repression. He makes us free to do that which prepares us for joy — that which will bring the greatest happiness to us, to others, and glory to Himself.
