What Is a Family

Edith Schaeffer

   There seems to be confusion today as to what a family is. The word family has been stretched to mean anything at all to some people. One human being committed to another human being in some way does not make a family. A church, a commune, single people sharing a house, or people committed to other people do not make what is basically meant by the term family. It is good to broaden the word to speak of the "church family," the "neighborhood family," or the "camp family" in referring to the warm, close relationship of the larger group, but all these broader meanings have no reality without a well-defined basic meaning.

   Essentially, the family consists of a man and a woman who are married to each other and the children they have borne, and this is a biblical definition. The Scripture calls children a heritage of the Lord (Psalm 127) and describes the familial structure in vivid terms: "Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants about thy table: (Psalm 128:3). The admonitions of the Word of God to parents are in relationship to their responsibilities to those born of their own bodies, and this basic structure must not be blurred by widening

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the meaning of the word family. This framework continues generation after generation in the relationship of children with grandparents and great-grandparents from whom they have descended.

   Everyone has been born of a mother and begotten by a father; however, not everyone has been nurtured by both parents or even by one natural parent. Nevertheless, this fact does not change the basic meaning of the word family. Unfortunately, some people are very alone because this is a fallen world and things are abnormal. But solitary individuals are not helped by attempts to redefine the family. God says that when we become his children we become members of the wider family, and since he is our Father, we are "adopted" by compassionate human beings who are also his children.

   God created the family, making first the man and then the woman and giving them reproductive capabilities. In God's plan they would together bring forth a human being who would be part of each of them, but the Fall occurred before the first baby was born, and no baby has ever been born into a perfect atmosphere. Therefore, it takes imagination, commitment, hard work, love, and time to become what a family is meant to be.

   How much time? It seems to me, a lifetime is needed, for a family is a complex blending of relationships, personalities, minds, and emotions, a living mobile of changing human beings. You have seen mobiles — slim wood shapes or fine blown glass strung on invisible threads, moving with every breath of air. A family is an ever-changing blend of people, never two days the same in age or development, strung together by threads of history and experience. A family is a work of art that needs long years of tending and must often be repaired. When Rembrandt's Night Watch was senselessly slashed, the first reaction of the Dutch museum authorities was to plan its painstaking repair. Junking the masterpiece was never considered. A family is a precious, valuable work of art. When it is torn or vandalized, the talents of an expert are available for its repair — the Father.

   A family is an ecologically balanced environment for the growth of human beings. Ecologists are worried about imbalances in nature.

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Oxygen is being diminished because algae are destroyed in the oceans; bugs are attacking crops because certain birds have been destroyed. But the most essential environment for the development of human personalities is the family. Each mother and father make a unique contribution to his or her children. Together they give the caring that is a human necessity, and as in all human relationships, balance is important. In the family blended balance is vital if children are to perceive mothers and fathers as extensions of God the Father and his love. Especially is this true in nurturing dependence and independence.

   Recently I talked to a young man who said his parents taught him to be independent in such harsh ways that he feels he never experienced tenderness and compassion from them. For instance, when he was ten years old, he fell and seriously cut his leg. His mother said, "Call the hospital, get yourself a taxi, and go get it sewn up." Now he accomplished what was supposed to make a man of him. However, he can never go back and have what he missed, someone to lovingly go with him at ten, tell him stories to make him forget the pain, hold his hand, and show compassion and true sympathy.

   Dependence is often thought of as a bad thing; yet, in the right balance, dependence is good. Feeling that one can always trust and depend on mother and dad helps a person know what trusting and depending on God means as well as how to treat human beings. God's Word speaks of two being better than one; when one falls, the other can pick him up.

   The knowledge that there are people who care about us in a warm, personal way often protects us from doing extreme or foolish things during times of sudden stress and encourages us to keep going when things seem hopeless or desperate.

   A family is a shelter in a time of storm. This is a picture of what God is to his family: "Hear my cry, O God . . . For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy" (Psalm 61:1, 3). If our earthly family is really a shelter, we can help our children understand the fruitfulness of God. The storms of illness, psychological upset, crippling disease, handicaps, old age, death, or accident can be weathered in the shelter of the family.

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   Sickness and hurts, whether physical or psychological, need proper loving care. I find great ignorance as to what constitutes loving, kind, good care. One needs to know when one is neglecting to give the best care to sick children, distressed adults, or elderly people. "Doing it unto the Lord by doing it unto the least of these" should be a reality first in the family.

   The storms of bankruptcy, fire, polio, hayfever, cancer, or broken legs are not interruptions of family life but a part of it. Weathering storms together draws family members closer to one another. Helping during difficult times rather than splitting apart cements emotional ties and becomes a shared experience that represents love and concern. Such an atmosphere provides shelter from outside persecution as well as from illness and pain.

   A family is an economic unit. God gave Adam and Eve the possibility of leading a perfect existence — with creative work as a source of joy. Their only restriction was not to eat the fruit of a certain tree. They chose to believe Satan's lies rather than God's word verbalized to them, and they ate of the tree. Part of their punishment was that they would have to work in order to eat. God said to Adam, "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground" (Genesis 3:19). To this day people must work to provide the necessities of life although through inventions and discoveries God has allowed people to ease their work load.

   "In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer" is more than a marriage vow; it is a statement about family life. The ups and downs are to be shared. The work involved in providing for a family needs to be shared, and this is a matter quite apart from whether or not a woman should work outside the home.

   It has always seemed rather ridiculous to me to designate going to an office as "work" and to designate the rich variety of activities and responsibilities involved in caring full time for a family as "not work, just housekeeping." To pretend that the family member who has a cash salary is the only one providing material things is to be totally blind to the one providing the balance to that contribution by cooking, nursing sick children, interior decorating, planting gardens, preparing times to read aloud for

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fun or education, sewing, driving the family "taxi," and so on. I contend that every homemaker earns a very large portion of the total it takes to live. The family as an economic unit is not a matter of dollars and cents but a matter of having the greatest freedom to produce that which is needed and appreciated.

   There is, however, no complete democracy, and in the family there must be a "head." Christ, the bridegroom, is the head of his bride, the church; but the bridegroom serves (as Christ demonstrated by washing the disciples' feet), and the bridegroom gives responsibilities to the bride (as Christ has given the responsibilities of making truth known to the church).

   But because there is an "order" in the home, this does not mean that there are men's jobs and women's jobs. There is no reason a man cannot be a fine chef; there is no reason a man cannot cook the turkey as well as carve it. There is no reason a man should not design and make clothing, nor is there any reason a man should not be the interior decorator in his own home as well as in his business. Talents differ; people differ. No two people are alike, and no two couples are alike. It is wrong to lay down rules as to exact details. A mother and a father should share in caring for the children — reading to them, bathing them. However, just as there needs to be a "head" of the home, there needs to be a homemaker who blends all that the home needs, making the job close to what it should be — a full career.

   I do think homemaking should be the wife's career, and additional talents should be fulfilled "around the edges" as the virtuous woman did in Proverbs 31. This passage makes it clear that a good wife has much freedom to do a great variety of creative things. This woman didn't sit in a corner doing nothing; she wasn't a nonperson. She bought a field and landscaped it for a vineyard. She wove cloth from linen she had grown and made clothing for her family plus some to sell. She not only imported spices and rare foods but sold things in the marketplace. She also cared for the poor. However, all her work helped her husband to be known at the gates. She enhanced his place among others; she did not compete with it.

   I feel a mother can do any kind of work she is capable of if she really puts her home first and considers her home a career

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and a work of art. It takes time to make the home all that a family needs. The woman in Proverbs 31 had time to be a good wife and mother; her husband praised her, and her children rose up and called her blessed. She didn't neglect the things of the Lord, because she is described as one really close to the Lord. She spoke with wisdom, and kindness was in her tongue.

   The woman in Proverbs was skillful, energetic, and capable; yet she did not neglect her home. To consider an office job glamorous and home a bore is a limited view indeed of the possibilities in homemaking. But certainly there is nothing wrong with a "working woman" or a "working mother" if she does not neglect the next generation entrusted to her care or neglect her career as homemaker and wife.

   The balance between affluence and poverty is a matter between individuals and God. But the "togetherness" of the family must not be put aside for affluence; the balance must be carefully maintained. Life goes by too quickly and cannot be lived twice. A child either has a warm, loving, imaginative home full of the mother's creativity, or he or she grows up in emptiness. We must ask, At what price are there two "going out to work" parents during the children's growing-up years?

   As finite human beings, we must balance the use of time because we can only do one thing at a time. Each month, each year children and parents grow and change. New interests and new understandings should give variety and provide fresh starts for the whole family. A family is never static, and the order of male and female does not dictate a ledger marking off regulated activities. Even if the father follows the same career task all of his life and the mother makes home and family her single career, the possibilities for assuming new and creative roles are endless.

   A family is a creativity center. Artists, sculptors, scientists, engineers, inventors, musicians, painters, poets, writers, cooks, designers of gardens or dresses or book jackets — human beings — need fertile ground in which to grow. Not only should children feel free to start creative projects, but husbands and wives should encourage each other. The home should be a rich source of inspiration for all kinds of creativity — taking violin lessons, learning

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to make Japanese flower arrangements, starting to grow bean sprouts for a Chinese dinner six days later, writing a play and putting it on in the living room.

   Creative talent should be nourished, not squashed with loud laughter or teasing or crushed by putting the wrong things first. Creativity needs appreciation, affirmation from another person. Criticism should never be given at the important moment — the unveiling of the completed project. Anything said at that moment must be positive. The right response at the right time is essential to encourage the next stage of creative endeavor. Instead of chasing a three-year-old out of the kitchen, help him or her cut carrots, "make" cookies, break an egg into a bowl. Of course, a budding chef complicates the scene, but twenty years later a son will feel no hesitation about preparing a good Italian spaghetti dinner for his family or friends. The results are worth the trouble and the mess when creative impulses bud and blossom.

   The Bible does not rule out creativity as a spiritual experience. The instructions for the tabernacle, given to Moses in the Book of Exodus, included fantastic works of art. Obviously, people needed creative skills to produce these things. This artwork had beauty as well as spiritual meaning. God's house was meant to be beautiful. The works of art were made in family groups, and skills were developed in a home atmosphere in ancient times.

   A family is a perpetual relay of truth. God makes it very clear in his Word, in Deuteronomy as well as in many other places, that children are to hear the truth from their parents. Truth about God was meant to be given to children by parents and grandparents: "Tell your sons and your sons' sons . . ." "And when your son asks . . ." True answers are to be given. Truth would not have been lost had it been handed down at the breakfast table, at lunch, at dinner, at bedtime, when out walking together, or when sitting together before a sunset or a fire. To the family God handed the responsibility for passing on to the generations of the earth knowledge about him, about what had happened in past history, and about how to worship him now.

   Fathers and mothers have been cruel to the children in neglecting to make truth known and in neglecting to make it

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exciting. Cain not only killed Abel; Cain turned his own children away from the knowledge of coming to God with a lamb by refusing to come himself. The excitement and the reality of all the Bible teaches should be a normal part of discussion; the Bible and other books should be read aloud together in the family. The reality of the family's dependence upon God in prayer for guidance and his care cannot be supplied by the church. It must be lived day by day as the family prays together concerning a crisis, problems, or trivial incidents. Doubts must be discussed calmly but seriously, even with a five-year-old.

   A preschool child may ask, "Who made the devil?" and be dealing with the whole problem of evil. The answer should be a positive, truthful explanation. Discussion should not be delayed until a child is some particular "age." It must take place when the need for information surfaces and must continue when illustrations present themselves. Relaying truth takes time and imagination, and doing it properly involves treating a child of any age as a human being with value and importance.

   Children are people, personalities, individuals. No two are alike, and each must be treated as a unique person from the very beginning. When a child is two years old, he or she will demonstrate traits that portend the twenty-two-year-old. The friend you make of your three-year-old will be your closest friend and joy when he or she is thirty-three. Children are not objects to discipline who later become adults to get to know. They are people from the start with memories and personalities. Children who become your friends and who love to talk with you when they are tiny never stop loving to talk to you and to bring you their thoughts and ideas as they grow older. Initiate trust, deep confidence, and love at the earliest moments, even before replies can be made to you in words. It can easily be too late, but it can never be too early. A three-year-old can ask questions which will lead to discussion and understanding that will last a lifetime.

   A family is a museum of memories. Memories can "happen," but memories can also be planned. A schedule is splendid, but on occasions seeing a full moon rise over the sea or over a mountain

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or through a tree is more important than making a child go to bed on time. When figuring the cost of certain things, the reality that you are "buying a memory" should be taken into account. The memory of a symphony concert enjoyed as a family, the warmth of sharing favorite moments of the music in conversation afterward, stopping for a hot chocolate on the way home, or having a flower in one's hair for the evening can be a help years later in crucial moments of sudden decision.

   Memories should be "collected" for the family with some amount of attention. Taking a picnic to the park or stopping at the zoo on the way home from marketing may legitimately take priority over getting a piece of work accomplished. In light of what kind of memories are being collected, what constitutes "wasted time" might frequently be reconsidered. To make a "memory" of a boringly long night-drive by reading an interesting story aloud by flashlight is worth all the cricks one gets in the neck. Memories of Christmas, birthdays, and the first day of school should be warm and special because mother or father or an older sister or brother was imaginative and thoughtful. But gentle, loving compassion should be expressed in a great diversity of ways that will make many days which have no calendar significance into private warm memories.

   Of course there will also be memories of frustrations and family arguments. These will not necessarily harm any family member, and they help children to learn that people have good and bad moods and that people make mistakes. Parents need to reassure children, however, that bad times do not mean the home is falling apart. Facing the fact that the members of one's family have faults and weaknesses prepares a child for relationships outside the family by helping him or her to understand that no one is perfect.

   There are no perfect people, no perfect marriages, and no perfect relationships. And therefore mothers and fathers and children need not feel guilty about not being the perfectly ideal family. We all make a mess of it at times and need to make new starts. Forgiveness is an important aspect of family life. Since no parent is perfect, he or she cannot be perfect in forgiveness, but forgiveness

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is a two-sided coin and should be learned in childhood. Parents need to forgive each other and their children, and they also need to ask forgiveness of their children.

   Sensitivity to another's needs and feelings, sympathy, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness are taught by example. Children observe disagreements between parents; they should also witness apologies and forgiveness.

   Parents show something of the way God treats us as his children in the way they treat their own children. How can a child comprehend God's love and forgiveness unless he or she has experienced with wonderful certainty the complete forgiveness of a parent? As a child builds a museum of family memories, the words father and mother conjure up a flood of understanding.

   A family is an educational control. Here the word control is used in the French sense of a monitoring system. Parents should keep a careful watch over what is taking place in the developing education of each child. Schools can help or hinder, and an informed parent can create a necessary balance in a child's home environment to counteract or support the school's influence. For example, if the classroom seems too rigid, a child can be urged toward creative freedom at home. If the school is too free and there seems to be a lack of mental discipline, parents can structure household tasks to be accomplished in a certain amount of time, suggest poems to be memorized, or devise mental arithmetic games. The home should be the most educationally stimulating experience in a child's background.

   Parents need to show children the connection between their education and their Christian faith. The two cannot be separated, for God is God of the whole person. Open discussion and communication at home is vital. Encourage your children to read by reading aloud with them, perhaps at set times each week. Include a wide variety of subject matter — music, gardening, fishing and sports, sex, childbirth, abortion, drugs. Children need to feel free to question, and parents need to feel free to say, "I don't know, but I'll try to find out." God will provide guidance and wisdom

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to those who seek him, and a child can be encouraged to ask God directly for his answers and his day-by-day plan.

   Education in life and education in the Word of God should never be compartmentalized. The family can nurture trust and belief in the existence of answers for those who believe in a personal universe created by a personal God.

   A family is a formation center for human relationships. Tiny children can learn that people are more important than things, that human beings are made in the image of God and are therefore very special. How to treat people is not a subject to be lectured about; it should be taught in the middle of real life situations within the family.

   A child, propelled on feet sloshing along in muddy shoes, rushes into mother with a clump of wild flowers and weeds clutched tightly in a hot little hand. What is the response? "Get that mud out of this room! How many times have I told you . . ." Or, "What a lovely bunch of flowers! I'll get a vase and water, and we'll put them on the kitchen table." Mother plants a kiss on a child glowing in the aftermath of affirmation. Then, "Honey, remember to get the mud off your shoes outside first. Try not to forget, will you?"

   The scream, "Get out of here," crushes and debilitates as it teaches a vivid lesson in how to treat other people and the relative value of persons and things. Human relationships on all levels are derived from essential childhood experiences.

   Expressions of love are an important ingredient in human relationships, and the family circle provides daily opportunities to demonstrate love in action. Love is not just a feeling; love is a choice. One chooses to love another person, and the choice must be made over and over again, day by day. Feeling is not the criterion for love. Love is a matter of reason, intellect, and decision. It is not enhanced by magnifying another's faults but by dwelling on the lovely qualities and kindnesses and thoughtful attempts to please.

   Love for one another and love for the Lord grow when we nourish them. The feelings and emotions of love are a result of

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daily choices. Love doesn't hit like lightning and last forever; it grows with time and care. Seeds planted in lush soil still need sunshine, water, fertilizer, and weeding to grow into healthy plants free of snails and bugs.

   Time is an essential ingredient in growing loving family relationships. This means that if the Lord is first in a family the family members will put their relationships first at times because the Lord means for the family to be together.

   A family is an open door — with hinges and a lock. The Bible clearly commands Christian families to be hospitable. "Use hospitality one to another without grudging" (1 Peter 4:9). "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares" (Hebrews 13:2).

   Families are to share their life with strangers, people in need, the elderly, the lonely, the lost, the handicapped, but it is impossible to share what one does not have. At specific times the door needs to swing shut — a portion of every day, maybe at bedtime; a day off just for the family to be together; vacations. Sometimes privacy is essential if only to argue.

   When the door swings open, Christian families can share their resources with a society greatly endangered by the breakdown in family life. To show hospitality is a biblical admonition, but the extent of the hospitality needs the Lord's leading. The important thing is that we teach and live the gospel, the truth. When we share with others, we are really sharing with the Lord, but we must ask the Lord to send no more at a time than we are able to care for — as human beings, not evangelistic objects.

   It would be difficult to isolate the most important characteristic of the family, but surely the idea of continuity is one of the primary considerations. Human beings need life-continuity. Unfortunately, the search for personal happiness, personal fulfillment, and personal rights often obliterates the reality of these goals and shreds life into torn bits and pieces.

   Individuals need the comfort and security found in continuous relationship with preceding and succeeding generations. Continuity

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of the generations provides a wider closeness than is possible within the nuclear family. Grandparents are important; children need to know old people. They can also gain perspective from single aunts and uncles. Widows need brothers and uncles and brothers-in-law to help with their fatherless sons. Middle-aged people need to belong to young people and old people.

   God's given formula is to "die" if you want to live. To die to self and selfishness and to consider the needs of others, first within the family and then within the wider circle, is what Jesus meant when he said, "He that loseth his life shall find it." To say, "Love thy family" is to say, "Be longsuffering," and that takes years and years of diverse sacrifices. It is also to say, "Be kind," and that takes imagination and work. We are told that love bears all things, endures all things, and never fails. How long does it take practically to live out such love? How much continuity? A lifetime.

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Edith Schaeffer, along with her husband Dr. Francis Schaeffer, founded L'Abri, the world-famous Christian community in Switzerland. She is the author of several books, including L'Abri and Hidden Art.

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