He Makes It Possible

This is my lover,
This is my friend....

Song of Solomon 5:16

ANYONE WHO REALLY knows me knows how deeply I feel about marriage. I'm a believer... I think it's great! But marriage, no matter how good, is not the answer to life. God is. I really believe it is in knowing him that we are able to know marriage and all the meaningful relationships of life as he meant them to be. Even the capacity to love is his gift — a gift given so that we might choose to love him and one another. But his giving is not limited to that initial gift of love — all through marriage he continues to supply the resources we need for a deep, satisfying life together by the ongoing work of his Spirit in our lives.

    We read that as God went about the work of creation, he looked around and saw that everything was good — except for one thing: "It is not good for man to be alone." And so we were created, male and female, for many purposes, of course, but primarily for the high purpose of companionship. What a great and wonderful thing that God did! And yet (I must remind myself) it is not the gift, but the Giver who has priority in my life.

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So often we expect a husband or a wife to be in our life what only God can be, and the burden is too great. A good friend of ours who has just gone through a painful break with his wife keeps saying: "She expected me to be everything to her, and there just wasn't enough of me to meet her needs." The number one spot in every heart is meant for God, and things just don't function well when we insist on putting someone else in a place reserved only for him. Rather, there is deep truth in the concept that until we love God more than our husband or wife, we will never know how freely and deeply we can love the one with whom we have made a life covenant. To love is to yield to another's love. When the love of God in Christ invades us, we are able to take his gift of love and love our mate — and others — in a way surprising even to ourselves.

    When God comes first in a marriage, something happens for which I personally am very grateful. I know there is something more than my relationship with Louie on which I can depend. As important as my marriage is to me, I need to know it doesn't stand on its own. Our individual relationships with Christ gives it a basis of support. I suppose the explanation lies in the fact that our marriage doesn't have to carry all its own weight, that we are not a closed system without any help from the outside. So many couples seem to live only for each other, and when something threatens their relationships, there is no one to come to their rescue. How much more helpful it is when differences

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and problems arise, for two people to go to Christ. As they come closer to him, their reference point, they will find themselves closer to one another. I know. We've been there, and it works. It isn't that I always have to accept Louie's position, or that he has to bow to mine. When we both seek God in a situation, there is often a third, more creative, answer to the difference we share. The bonus is that as two people both submit to Christ — and to one another out of reverence for him — there is something above and beyond that guarantees their love for each other. This is the best security base I know for any marriage — not our outer circumstances or our theology of marriage — but our relationships with him! Christ is our security. He is also our great "constant" in life.

    Today, as I was standing at the washing machine, stuffing it with dirty clothes, I realized that just a few days earlier I had been standing in the same spot doing the same thing — but my feelings were at an entirely different place. I had been strangely discouraged — I can't remember why — it doesn't matter. The point is, my feelings were undependable. At that earlier moment I was so lacking in confidence I could not imagine how Louie could possibly have been do dumb as to choose me for his wife. Silly, perhaps, but that is what my feelings told me. I remember sighing and thinking, "Well, Lord, you're in charge around here.... I'm tired [which, come to think of it, may have been my problem] so please take over my feelings, because I know

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these aren't of you!"

    Well, today it was a different story. I was rested, my feelings were behaving, and I even wondered if Louie knew how lucky he was to have me for his wife. In fact I could hardly wait for him to come home so that I could ask him.

    Our feelings vary from day to day. A very close friend who has one of the greatest marriages I know shared with me a feeling she had very early in their married life. One day, all of a sudden, she looked at her husband and her heart sank. Something had happened to her feelings for him. The thrill was gone. She was conscious of saying to herself, "Okay, this is it. This is the way it's going to be. I've made a commitment to God — and to my husband — and I'm going to live by that commitment, not my feelings." And so she proceeded by faith to love her husband, sincerely if not with the same sense of thrill and depth of emotional feeling. It wasn't long before one day, just as suddenly as the feeling had gone, the feeling returned.. and more! It overflowed!

    In the years that have followed, her feelings have known the ebb and flow — the highs and the lows— of a creative personal life. But her love — their love — has grown steadily, and their marriage has been a joy, not only for them but for anyone who knows them well. She learned a great lesson — that just as we can't live the Christian life according to our feelings all the time, neither can we judge our marriage by a feeling of the moment. God is a great stabilizer, a great constant in

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our lives — and in our life together.

    He is also the Great Therapist for a husband and wife. We all come into marriage with hang-ups... mistaken ideas, the myth of perfection; and the need to grow. We have to resist the urge to remold our mate, and we must open ourselves instead to the work of God in our own life. Therapy begins the moment we honestly pray, "Make me the person I should be in my marriage." When I think of all the areas of my life God has had to work on since I first prayed that prayer, I am amazed at his patience and faithfulness. Beginning with the basic security I needed to be able to give myself away in a lifelong covenant, God has again and again provided all the resources I needed for emotional growth and freedom. And the work goes on.. there isn't a day in my life when I don't need my "Liberator-Therapy."

    God is also the Great Provider of our physical needs. When God takes care of us, we are getting some of the best possible direction on priorities and finances. I remember feeling such confidence during the early part of our marriage when we were in seminary. We were always short of money, yet we were certain that God would provide what we actually needed. And he did! There was a time when we were out of money for two weeks. We had eaten everything in the cupboard, and I had given Louie the last of our food for lunch: a hard boiled egg and a glass of tomato juice. Poor Louie started mumbling about taking me away from a career with a good income only to drag me off to seminary and

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starvation. We laugh about it now, but Louie says at the time he felt painfully inadequate. I remember how we knelt in the tiny living room of our basement apartment and prayed for resources. Later in the day Louie took a break from his studies to check the mail and found a letter from a church where he had preached six weeks earlier. He had not expected any payment from it, but there it was, forty dollars! And more! It was a sign from the Lord that he would provide — and he always has. Things have been tight much of the time, but there has always been enough for the important things... the right things... and enough to share with others.

    There have been a few times when our eyes have been too big for our pocketbooks, and God has always drawn us back to the simpler life that is what seems to be right for us. I think of the house we bought some years ago. It was a nice house with a lovely, big yard and a gorgeous view of the ocean. It was a bit too much for us to handle, perhaps, but oh, so pretty. It took only a few months for that "too much" to pull us under financially, and we couldn't wait to sell it and get back to the simple life. The little house that took its place was beautiful beyond words — because it was not "too much." It was right.

    Another great thing Christ does in a marriage is to forgive and heal. A marriage is closer to being genuinely Christian at its core not when it is free of all difficulties but when both partners are open to the work of God in their lives. There is no perfect marriage, no

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marriage that does not need God's forgiving ways as part of its everyday life-style. In this atmosphere two people can feel forgiven by God and so be generous in forgiving one another. In this atmosphere healing takes place, and love and growth walk hand in and hand. It is a beautiful thing to see a couple allow God to release his grace and power in their lives at the very point of their need.

    I know I'm a hopeless idealist, but I strongly feel there is no relationship too far gone for Christ to make it new. He can heal any hurt, restore lost hope, renew love. But, of course, there is a condition — it requires two willing people to make the miracle work.

    Amy and Peter were marvelous people. Both of them were intelligent, attractive, warm human beings. They had been married for over twenty years, had four lively children, and from the outside things looked great. But on the inside their life together had turned sour. They both worked at consuming jobs, had little time for each other, and when they were together they began to feel like strangers. With their communication system out, they began to be drawn to other people. At first, it was just someone to talk to over lunch, someone to listen. But as their needs grew, the "only a friend" plot thickened, and the time came when they had to face the fact that they were in trouble. You've heard lots of stories like it, and they usually end up in the divorce court. But in this case that was not the end. In a real sense it was only the beginning . . . because Amy and Peter had all

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the makings for a miracle. They basically loved God, and down deep they wanted their marriage to work, so they were open to help. They sought a counselor who shared their faith, and he took them through a long and painful journey of discovery and insight. He finally urged them to take the hurts — and all that needed forgiving — to Christ, the only one who can really handle such things. I know they were frightened at this point. I still remember the tremble in Amy's voice when she asked me to pray for them as they took that step together by faith. What if it didn't work? But as they yielded themselves to Christ for his forgiveness and healing, the miracle of Christian marriage happened, as it will when two people seek the mind of Christ. They found forgiveness and healing — and such a new love was born in their hearts in the months that followed that they felt they wanted to be remarried.

    Because they had never divorced, that couldn't be, but with their minister they designed simple, beautiful service of reuniting. On a lovely Sunday afternoon their children stood up with them as they rededicated their lives to Christ — and to each other. I was lucky enough to be there that day and, believe me, there wasn't a dry eye in the church. Your marriage may not need the major reuniting my friends needed, but every marriage needs reuniting in some way every day.

    And every marriage needs healing — for there is no way to love and share life's most intimate relationship without being hurt.

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    A scene that took place years ago crosses my mind and becomes part of my life again, as I think of the need for healing in marriage. Hazel, a beautiful woman in her late twenties, was standing at our door saying goodnight after a meeting in our home. A gentle breeze blowing through the open door brought the scents of summer (gardenia and jasmine) to us, and as we stood laughing and talking, the light from the lamp on the porch caught Hazel in its aura. I remember thinking how attractive she was — inside and out — and then the next thought followed predictably: "a good catch for some fortunate man."

    At that moment our youngest son — who had apparently heard us and climbed out of his crib to join the fun — toddled up to me and nuzzled his head against my body lovingly. I picked him up and balanced him on one hip while his body curled naturally against mine. I continued talking to Hazel until I noticed tears in her eyes. She was staring at Jamie and said, after what seemed like a very long time, "It must be wonderful to have a family!"

    "Oh, it is," I replied. "Hectic sometimes, but wonderful. But you'll know that for yourself one day — that is, I'd be surprised if you didn't!"

    At that, fear crossed her face and she said, "No... never. I'll never get married — never have a family. I couldn't take the pain that comes with loving that much." With that she turned abruptly and walked out of the light into the darkness of the street.

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    "Hazel, you're right," I thought. "Love, and your heart will be broken — not once, but many times. Pain is an inherent part of love. But Hazel, you're also wrong, for you've failed to remember that God is a Healer. He promises to be part of the covenant relationship you make when you marry. Because love is tender, you will hurt and be hurt. There will be pain. But he will be there to heal the hurt and to set you on your way stronger than before. Say no to love and you are saying no to life. Rather — trust God, and live. For he is the Great Healer — the Great Forgiver — in things both great and small."

    I agree with Lloyd Ogilvie when he says, "We are far too timid in sharing the secret of Christian marriage. It is a Christ-healed, spirit-filled relationship" (from material presented at Continental Congress on the Family, St. Louis, 1975).

    He is the one who provides love, security, patience, stability, forgiveness, healing — those things we need for a great marriage, not because we are unusual people but because he is a great God. As husbands and wives we were not meant to go it alone. He makes it all possible.

Chapter Two  ||  Table of Contents