Love Honors the Gift
THREE O'CLOCK in the afternoon is not my best time for counseling. I suppose the problem is that my body considers it well past the time for a midday nap and refuses to stand at the duty station. Sometimes it can be an awful experience trying to keep my eyes open.
On one particular afternoon I looked with groggy eyes at my date book to check on my next appointment. I perked up immediately when I saw the name of a young man and woman I had recently married. They were a delightful couple who always left me with a deposit of joy. Their premarital counseling had been a happy experience for me. They were always full of questions, and they explored new ideas and concepts like a couple of avid mountain climbers attacking a new peak. One of the agreements we made was that they would come back from time to time to talk over their growth, their ideas, and any problems they wanted to share.
The next hour was no disappointment. Fred was dressed casually in a nubby knit sweater, Marcia in her
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granny-dress. Their eyes danced with joy; they were alive with a new idea! I wondered what it would be this time.
"Something you said in our premarital sessions meant a lot to us, and we have been trying to work it out. We think we have. Would you like to hear it?"
"Don't keep me in suspense," I said, as I motioned them toward a couch.
"You know how much Christ has meant to us and to the kids we work with in Young Life. Well, we have been discovering something about gifts of the Holy Spirit — in marriage, that is."
For the moment my mind turned to the charismatic emphasis that is alive in Washington: speaking in tongues, gifts of the Spirit such as prophecy and healing. But Fred and Marcia meant something else.
"We are discovering gifts in our marriage," Marcia explained. "Not roles determined strictly by sex, but by the abilities the Holy Spirit has given each of us."
"Oh, true enough, " Fred chimed in, "I'm the head of the house. We believe the man should be the head of the house, just as Paul said. And yes, Marcia is going to have babies. But in our counseling we liked the idea of my being a 'servant-head.' Like Christ, I want my authority to be used to help Marcia realize her gifts of the Spirit. And that goes for the little one, too," he said with a cat-ate-the-mouse look toward his wife.
"Is this some kind of announcement?" I queried.
"I guess so," she confirmed, "and we're thrilled about
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it. What we are saying includes the baby, too. Can we share this new insight with you?"
"Go ahead."
"Fred says he doesn't want me to give up my career at the medical lab. We've decided on two children, and of course I'm going to be a full-time mother while they are young. But when they are in nursery school, I'll go back to work part time. Fred and I agree that the children need both a mother and a father, so he is going to take time to be with the kids each day. That will mean some planning, such as where we are going to live. We don't want to Fred to live so far from work that commuting eats up two hours a day. It will also mean limiting our nighttime activities. We'll have to cut down on some of our church work, so the kids won't be church orphans."
"I feel the children need to experience tenderness and care from a dad and not just from the mother," Fred said. "So it will be my job to bathe the tykes and get them ready for bed, which will also give Marcia relief at the end of the day. But on top of that, each of these little ones will have some potential for development, and I want to share in the fun of finding out what that is. Then I want to help them develop it. Maybe that's selfish of me, but that's the way I feel."
"I think it's great!" I responded.
Perhaps Fred and Marcia are learning early in their marriage what it had taken Colleen and me some years to discover: when a person comes to Christ, one of the
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most exciting things that happens is that he or she receives a gift, or gifts, of the Spirit. These gifts are meant to be used for the common good in the body of Christ, and the great joy of having them comes from knowing that one has a place in the family of God. And who does not need to be needed?
Gifts of the Spirit
A gift of the Spirit is an ability to fulfill a need in the body of Christ. Whatever function is needed, the Spirit designs a gift and gives it to a Christian. When we say it is given for the common good, we mean it is to be used for another's benefit.
God is a practical God who wants to see his children provided for. He wants his body to function for the sake of the lost world he still loves very much. When all the parts are working properly, the body grows vigorously and a deep interdependence emerges so that when one member suffers, the whole body suffers together. If one rejoices, all the parts rejoice together.
Obviously the gifts of the Spirit are given without reference to sex. Just as there was no difference in the dominion given to male and female in the Creation, so there is no sex basis for receiving the gifts of the Spirit. The Prophet Joel, foretelling the coming of the Holy Spirit, predicted: "And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit on all flesh; your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall
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dream dreams, and your young men shall see visions." (Joel 2:28 RSV, italics mine).
Luke also speaks of the four daughters of Philip the Evangelist exercising their gift of prophecy, which Paul described as the highest of the gifts (see Acts 21:8). Evidently the gifts of the Spirit were for both male and females alike, with no distinction based on sex.
In the presently renewed interest in the gifts of the Spirit, some have held rather strict interpretation as to the number and identity of the gifts; some say there are five gifts, some eight, and others claim twelve. Looking at the varying lists Paul mentions, I do not believe he was enumerating only so many gifts and no more. The table below illustrates my point.
Lists of the Gifts of the Spirit
Romans 12:6-8 1 Corinthians 12:7-10 1 Corinthians 12:28 Ephesians
Prophecy Wisdom Apostles Apostles
Service Knowledge Prophets Prophets
Teaching Faith Teachers Evangelists
Exhorting Healing Workers of Pastors
Contributing Miracles Miracles Teachers
Giving Aid Prophecy Healers
Discernment Helpers
Tongues Administrators
Interpretation of Speakers in
Tongues Tongues
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I believe the apostle had in mind a broader meaning of the gifts based on the varying needs of the early church. God is wonderfully practical: if his church has a need, he gives some saint the ability to fill that need. If the needs change, so does his provision of the gifts. There must be a great deal of latitude in the broad categories designated "service," "helps," and "administration." The recipients of the latter must certainly have different roles today than in the early church. With our complex church structures, intricate budgets, tax complexities, personnel requirements, mechanical maintenance, and numerous details, I am sure the Lord has given some persons the ability to administer them in a complex age. I believe it because I have met such persons. If there is a need, God's Spirit creates a gift to meet that need. It is as broad and simple as that.
So it is with the home! God provides gifts of his Spirit within the home irrespective of sex — except, of course, for the obvious specialized ability of women to bear children, and of men to sire them, and perhaps a few others. Some women have the gift of financial management, and some husbands that of cooking; some women have the gift of spiritual teaching, and some husbands the gift of sensitive discernment. The thrill of marriage is the continuous discovery of another's gifts, and as the seasons of marriage change, so do some of the gifts.
Seasons may change the roles and gifts; circumstances may alter the gifts within a marriage.
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We know a couple whose roles have been changed by a serious illness that left the husband semiparalyzed and unable to continue in his profession. His wife has gone to work and discovered gifts she never dreamed she had— resulting in a highly creative and successful career. The husband laughs about being a "house-husband," but seems to enjoy his new role. He has become a gourmet cook and runs their home like a pro. There is a sweetness in their relationship that comes, I believe, from their mutual submission to changing times and gifts.
Finance is an area many people think belongs in the husband's basket. But must it always be so? Suppose the husband doesn't have such a gift? In the home where I grew up, it was my mother who managed the finances. Even though Dad made the final decisions, it was Mother who supplied the data and the counsel by which those decisions were arrived at. I think God knew that he would use Dad in a way that would leave little time for anything other than his ministry, so he equipped Mother to manage the household finances.
Granted that God creates and provides the gifts, how, then, are we to discover them?
Gift Discovery
There probably will be little gift discovery unless the Christian is actively engaged in the body of Christ. We are not very good at discovering ourselves under isolated
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conditions. In our home, primarily, and then in the church and society, we discover who we are as we interrelate with others. Prayer may certainly be one of the methods, but seldom is prayer effective without some input from our brothers and sisters, the body of Christ.
For instance, one of the ways we discover who we are is through the honesty of others. The best illustration I have comes from my own life.
Administrative detail is not one of my gifts. Even on our wedding day I was working up to the last minute, barely getting ready in time for the ceremony. But Colleen had completed her work two days early and had rested and read! At times I let things go longer than I should. Oh, yes, I can plead the pressure of demands and all that sort of thing, but my wife gets things done quietly, quickly, and early.
At times Colleen will exercise her honesty and bring to my attention something that really needs to be done. I know I should be grateful, yet I'll have to admit that I resist her honesty, less now then previously, I must hurry to add. Her reminder touches my guilt buttons, and my lights of defensive reaction go on. But recently, as I have been submitting to her honesty, we have discovered one of her gifts in our marriage. It's what we might call "discerning administration," or an ability to sense what is important and then doing something about the matter without any last-minute hassles. This gift brings a sense of order to the body, whether in the
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church or in the home.
On the other side of the coin, Colleen takes no risks about physical safety, although she is very venturesome in life and philosophy. She wanted to keep that motherly protective ring around the children longer than I thought wise. One summer many years ago the children were striking out across a little lake near where our folks lived — a distance of about 400 yards — paddling plastic air mattresses like paddle boards. As Colleen stood on the dock, calling them back with desperate "mommy noises," the kids turned around and called back that they were okay. They were good swimmers and knew how to rest on their backs in the water. I was quite sure they would come to one another's aid should anything happen to one of the rafts. Besides, the motorboat was close at hand and ready to go. I had to pull rank on Coke and exercise my gift, which was turning the children loose to their adventuresome exploits. At times I had to encounter her about her overprotectiveness, and she is gracious enough to say that out of my honesty and her discovery of my gift, she has been able to let go.
Sensitive communication is a second way in which we discover our gifts. It happened to a pastor and his wife whose three active children had kept them busy and on their toes for years. Then the time came when the children left home, and the pastor's life settled down to the dull roar of administering one of the country's most creative churches. But something crucial had
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gone out of the home for the wife. Restlessness began to stalk her peace; an edge of sharpness replaced her patient, reserved behavior. Because her husband was a sensitive and caring person, these changes did not escape his notice, and soon he was drawing his wife out in conversation. At first she felt pangs of guilt because she was dissatisfied with the usual role of a minister's wife. But her husband kept drawing out her feelings, saying they were more important than prescribed roles. "I'm married to you, not to the church," he said. As the wife allowed her feelings to flow, she and her husband began to realize that she was interested in counseling. Her desire to be involved in therapy was so strong that she felt she wanted to work at a professional level. That meant a great deal of training, but with her husband's encouragement, she became a schoolgirl again — in her mid-forties. She sailed through her B.A. degree, lighthearted as a lark. Her M.A. was captured with honors, and she trudged on toward her doctorate. It took years, but she did it. At times the stress took its toll upon their relationship, but they always talked things out, made the adjustments, and forged ahead. Now the wife has opened an office and has a very effective ministry of her own as she conducts her own therapeutic practice. And it all began with her husband's encouraging her to talk out what she felt — exercising the gift of sensitive communication.
Helping another person to get out what he or she is feeling is a gift. It's like "pulling the web out of the
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spider," which is a phrase I have to explain with a story.
As a boy I loved football; it was in my genes — the ones I got from Dad. Whenever we could, he and I went down to the Pitt Stadium to watch Pitt or Carnegie Tech play. One morning I had walked the two miles from our house to the church to meet my father, who had been counseling. A young man was just leaving as I knocked on the study door. For a moment we three stood on the steps leading out of my father's study, its gothic vault rising high overhead in light oak and its leaded windows letting in the soft light of a cool November day. A spider decided to make his appearance in our midst, hanging from his web right before our faces. The young man reached up, took the web and said, "Watch." Down, down, down went the spider until he had almost reached the floor, vainly struggling to gather in his web faster than it was being extricated from him. The young man took my hand and said, "Here, you try it." I shook the web, but too gently. The spider was gaining on me! Almost frantically I increased the sharpness of my shaking. Suddenly the web broke. Without a moment's delay, my friend picked up the web and got things going again. Then he took my hand and gave me the right rhythm and intensity. Out came the web, longer and longer.
Getting a person to talk about his feelings is like shaking the web out of a spider. Too gently and he gets it all back inside. Too brusquely and the web of communication breaks. There is that gentle but persistent touch that helps one to get out what the other person is feeling.
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And as the other talks, an interest may begin to emerge. Like the web of a spider, a latent desire may be extracted.
Love honors the gift potential and listens.
A third way of discovering others' gifts is to "mirror" another person's strengths, to reflect back to the other affirmatively what we feel his or her gift to be.
A couple Colleen and I came to know very well in seminary was a good example of the "mirroring of affirmation." The husband has been very successful in his business for over eleven years, but a kind of restlessness pervaded all he did. His work didn't have the zing he needed.
The wife began to watch for her husband's high points, those moments of joy that gave him the greatest fulfillment. They turned out to be people-moments — occasions when, through his sensitivity, he was able to give insight to one of his colleagues. With a deft and smooth firmness he would bring warring parties together and inspire them to settle disputes. When it came to sharing his faith, he had a modern, down-to-earth reasonableness about him that was regularly bringing people to Christ. As his wife began to mirror back his high points of his business life, a mound of data began to grow. One day he said, "You know what, honey? — I just might go into the ministry. What would you think of that? Scare ya?"
His wife had been raised in a Swedish pastor's family. She knew the pressures and struggles, the leannesses
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and the tough times; but she knew there would be a deep satisfaction for her man. "No," she said, "it doesn't scare me a bit! You'd make a great minister. Darling, I'm with you a hundred percent, and I'm ready to start tomorrow!"
He decided to take a couple of days off to pray about it. He drove to his favorite retreat, a place where the fish played exciting games with lures before they struck. The second afternoon, after a good catch, a time of prayer, and a leisurely nap in the woods, he "woke up in the ministry." He was one of the most relaxed, effective pastors I have known.
In our own family I can see the children going to Colleen for their heart-sharing; but they come to me for counsel on their religion or history papers. They are helping us to identify our gifts by "mirroring responses" to our strengths.
One more factor in the discovery of gifts is the willingness to allow another to risk. Discovery cannot take place unless there is an "atmosphere of permission" — a language that says, "Try it, see if it is for real."
A couple we knew many years ago did this, and it worked well for them. Betsey had been a nesting bird all through her marriage. Nothing gave her greater joy than providing for her husband and their children. But now that the two children were ready to "fly the nest," she was becoming progressively depressed. Finally she descended into a state that required hospitalization for a few days.
Betsey's husband was warmly sensitive and supportive
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during the recovery period as her anxiety rose and fell like waves. He helped her disengage from a number of her civic activities and affirmed her desire to work with her hands. Her sewing was full of creative and innovative ideas; cleverness of design marked everything she did. A mixture of practicality and striking art made her products go like hot cakes at bazaars. She thought of starting a gift shop, but her low self-image took care of that! She had almost no sense of self-worth. "Try it," her husband would say. "Don't bite the whole thing off once, but work in someone else's shop for a while to see if you like it." So she got a part-time job, and he drove her to the shop three times a week. Bit by bit her assurance began to grow; she tried it and she liked it! Without her husband's encouragement, she probably would have stayed in her cave, peering fearfully out at a world where she saw others playing joyfully at the things they liked. But with one who loved her saying, "Try it," she found the strength and "took a cut at it." She discovered a gift — and a new business to boot... one that through the years has blessed her — and others.
Gift Development
Once love aids in the process of discovery, the nest phase of gift development gets underway. Love provides resources for the development of another's gift.
In a previous chapter we spoke of the type of leadership that is essential for gift development. In the home
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the husband is the head, and if he is exercising the y (or servant)-style of leadership, he will not only permit but will stimulate the growth of others in his home. Because gifts have their own authority, he will allow other members of the family to exercise the authority that accompanies their gift.
Colleen has the gift of "pacing," and when she uses it she does so with an authority I must take seriously. My natural tendency is to run the "ship" at full speed all of the time. Needless to say, the whole crew gets worn out, and so does the skipper. And when the skipper gets worn out, he reacts in ways that can make shipboard life a hassle. It's about that time that the senior medical officer comes charging out of her stateroom, resolutely mounts the ladder to the bridge and says, "Captain, slow this vessel down! In fact, put into port for a few days! We all need some R and R." And believe me, I have learned to follow the advice of the "medical officer." She knows whereof she speaks!
Another way in which love resources development is by providing time for the other person to exercise his or her gift. A husband, or wife for that matter, can be so demanding of the other's time that any possibility of gift development is buried under a mountain of things to do. And buried deeply! In fact, this can become a means of keeping a mate from the development of a potential.
To give Colleen an opportunity to cultivate her writing ability, the children and I had to decrease our demands
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on her time. She felt she needed quiet time in which to create — not little crumbs of minutes here and there but solid blocks of hours when an idea could grow without being scorched by the searing winds of constant demands. She thought Tuesdays and Thursdays were the best time. On Mondays she would get a good start on the week and clear up a lot of home and administrative details. Wednesdays she saved for church interests. On Thursdays I was at the church with the staff all day, which cut off any chance of our getting together. But her new routine meant no guests for dinner on Tuesday or Thursday nights, otherwise another gift of hers, that of hospitality, would demand spending half the day preparing for the guests. So, no surprises on Tuesdays or Thursdays! No phone calls at the last minute to ask, "How about a few extras for dinner tonight?" Okay on other days, but Tuesdays or Thursdays were "no-nos."
Financial resources are often necessary for the development of another's gifts, and love makes the sacrifice to free them. Fen was a notably successful doctor. He and Joyce had four college-age children. Gradually Joyce felt a lifelong ambition catching fire again — she wanted to become a high-level administrative assistant. She knew she had the problem-solving abilities and the public relations "savvy" to do the job. But training would be needed. That meant money, and a fair amount at that, for tuition at a top-flight executive training institute!
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"Any chance, Fen?" she asked timidly.
"Honey, no way," he retorted without hesitation. We couldn't afford it. You know what!:
That was just the point: Joyce knew differently. She kept Fen's books. She saw as much as $17,000 go down the drain one month for repairs to his yacht, and there was the light, twin-engine aircraft he maintained for his own pleasure. Month after month Joyce made out checks totaling several thousand dollars to pay for Fen's "playing." He had plenty of chances to put the boat and the plane on lease-back arrangements, but he insisted that he "might want them at a moment's notice" and so held on to them like a little boy selfishly guarding his toys. Out of a $150,000-a-year practice, he could not break loose $5,000 to a wife who was doing at least a $15,000-a-year job of business and financial management for him, to say nothing of writing some of his medical speeches and papers.
On top of that, Fen dallied and reneged on so many promises to support the children in their advanced education that they failed to get into school and had to work to save enough money to go to school. Now, I'm for children working to help with their educational expenses, but the communication that came through loud and clear from Fen was "After me, you come third!"
Today Fen had left his family and is still running around like a teenager trying to find himself. His wife has accomplished her goal and is carrying out a great ministry for God, but now without the pain of rejection
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still throbbing in her life. Fen was not about to provide resources for her as a person — much less work toward the development of her gift.
One of the greatest stimuli to development is good old encouragement or affirmation. In the marriage ceremony there is a question asked of the couple: "[so and so] will you have this [woman/man] to be your [wife/husband] and will you pledge your troth to [her/him] in all love and honor, in all duty and service, in all faith and tenderness?" The assenting parties are then to say, "I will."
In using the word faith, I mean not only fidelity in the sexual relationship but faith in the person. "I know you can make it" are the magic words that give many of us the courage to try and keep trying. And they may have to be said many times. For someone to throw up his hands and say, "Oh, there's no use! You'll never make it!" is one of the most rejecting, demotivating things that can happen to a person. True, some of us take that as an extra stimulus and try all the harder to prove ourselves. The only trouble is, we seldom quit trying to prove, and our whole life becomes a game of "I told you I could!" When I see someone putting others down in ruthless competition, I can't help but feel that there has been precious little faith-input logged into the computer of that person's disposition.
The term faith-input reminds me of a pastor's family in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. They lived in the simplest circumstances, close by the car line where the pastor
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could take the streetcar to the church most days. The parents saw their two hard-working children through medical school and music conservatory by living frugally, borrowing whenever necessary sums that took them years to repay. Only in their later years were they able to buy a humble house in the older section of Los Angeles where the pastor's ministry ended. But my, they were proud of that house! And the children are two people who know very well the joy and solid foundation of a love that sacrificed for their emergence. Love had honored the gifts and resourced them.
Gifts and talents, in the broad sense, are meant to be used, not only in the body of the church but also within marriage. Strict rules determined by sex or tradition can stifle. But the Spirit — and the gifts that equip us for life and ministry — can bring creative fulfillment, harmony, and joy.
Chapter Four || Table of Contents
