Seven Basics of a Happy
Marriage
IT HAPPENED AGAIN, just the other day. A couple married for several years came in for counseling. They wanted to save their marriage, yet they were beginning to think they never should have married in the first place. Neither was living up to the other's expectations. Each one had become someone "different from what I had imagined." In a sense, the more they knew of one another, the more they became strangers.
I'm not sure that love is blind, but infatuation certainly is. In the early stages of a relationship a man and a woman are so caught up in the excitement of a new personality and in the sexual attractions they feel for each other that they don't see each other clearly. Sometimes they create images of the other person, and then marry the image rather than the real person. Illusion pushes honesty out of the picture.
The romantic attraction of one person for another can be deceptive; it can keep you from knowing the
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"real" person. That is why there is such a thing as courtship. It is not a useless ritual, nor is it a period of enforced frustration conceived by puritanical parents. At least it should not be.
Ideally, courtship should allow a couple to work their way through the blur of infatuation toward the sharper focus of reality. This is their opportunity to get to know one another as the man or woman each truly is. And, more important, this is that critical time when they can discover whether or not they can achieve a life together. Courtship must be an honest appraisal by two people trying to discover their basis for a realistic marriage.
My counseling experience has taught me that there are several basic areas in which a man and woman must agree if they are to have the highest quality marriage. I have chosen seven basics to discuss here: religion, sex, finance, children, friends, home, and goals. It is not absolutely essential for a couple to agree completely on all of them — the engine runs with missing cylinders but not so smoothly or powerfully. However, because these areas arouse such strong feelings in all of us, I feel a couple will be in for trouble if they basically disagree in one or more of them.
When infatuation ends — and it always does — a couple must live in these areas of reality. How sad it is if their discovery of one another becomes a disappointment, a sudden shattering of the fantasy each had built around the other. And how much better if a couple can
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reveal themselves honestly and courageously before making a lifelong commitment. Such courage and honesty may be difficult, but it is also part of becoming mature. The pain of realizing that they have basic differences is better borne before a man and a woman marry. Otherwise, not knowing who they are, they may be crushed by the way they seem to change later on.
We human beings are always in process of change —and that can work in our favor. If a man and a woman are not completely in agreement about the bases of their relationship as they begin their marriage, they can grow close together. If they can communicate their ideas and feelings honestly and maturely, the process of change can bring them to new agreements.
This chapter is designed to aid couples to take a look at these seven areas where it is important to have agreement. I hope that it will stimulate couples to attempt to become more deeply and realistically acquainted with each other. As agreements and discrepancies are identified, they should be faced with a mixture of love and honesty.
The following steps will help you to explore these areas:
1. Set aside a definite period of time to be alone and undisturbed together.
2. Read aloud the section on one area of the seven basics.
3. Each should write a "profile of feelings" on that area and compare it with his partner's "profile."
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4. After this exchange of feeling, each person would try to the best of his or her ability to understand the feelings of the other.
5. You are now face-to-face with your agreements and/or differences. How you cope with the differences is going to be a highly individual matter, and you will be influenced by your openness to one another, the depth of your differences, the intensity of your feelings, and the time necessary to make adjustments. If nothing else comes of this time together, you are certainly going to know each other a lot better.
Religion
Religion arouses the deepest emotions of the human personality. Even those who look down their noses at religion usually are the first to say that it has been the cause of some of man's bitterest wars. And that is the point!
Bring a strong difference of religion into a marriage, where both husband and wife have had significant religious conditioning, and there is indeed the makings for "war." If, on the other hand, one or both of the couple have had no particular depth of feeling about religion, any differences will probably be mild and cause little irritation.
Why all the emotion about religion?
The answer lies in the meaning of religion. The word religion means "that to which one is bound." Religion,
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therefore, is that to which we are tied or bound, determining what we live for; religion indicates our direction and determines our priorities. In the long run, our deepest motivations are determined by religion. True, sexual desire may determine short-term action, but over the long haul, it is religion that shapes our lives.
What do I mean by religion?
Try visualizing yourself on a sinking ship. You can take only one thing with you! What will it be? Your choice indicates your religion. That is what you are tied to. Religion is that for which you will give up all other things in life.
What will you give up other things for? What is the one thing you will not give up for anything else? That is your religion.
I usually ask a couple to try this exercise: Elbow out some time, curl up with each other, and share whatever it is that is most important to you. That will be your religion.
Now, what was it? — security, love of your spouse, money, the children (present or future), your home, position, success, influence, community, status, God, Jesus Christ and his Kingdom?
Did your religions agree?
If not, hang on to your hat, because unless some sort of agreement can be reached, each of you will be tugging madly in different directions for the control of the limited resources of your lives: time, money, energy, and affection. And because the motivations are so primal,
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these tugs-of-war could create tensions
that will be more than the marriage can handle.
Suppose one of you wishes to give large amounts of time, energy, or money to Christ's work and the church — but the other wishes those same resources spent on the social scene, the country club, and the business ladder. In spite of your compromises, you will miss that thrill of unity, and very likely you will experience a rift of emotions.
Religion is a growing experience, and the growth demands a means of expression. Now it's true that we know some couples where both partners have a deep personal faith in Christ — yet they worship and express their faith in different traditions and still have a real sense of spiritual oneness and growth in their home and marriage. However, couples such as this — in my experience — are the exceptions. Generally, if a couple cannot go together to church, they most likely will not grow together spiritually. And that will be a serious loss!
The other night Colleen and I attended a party where we met the charming wife of a young professional man. She had just had a religious experience that had made considerable changes in her life and feelings. Her husband did not attend church with her. He left her and their children to "do their religious thing" which, I felt, he thought was for "little old ladies and children and not red-blooded American men." The wife's pain and sense of loneliness were marked and rather tragic. Something which for many couples had
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been a bonding, deepening influence had become a point of raised eyebrows and ridicule in their marriage. That is one of the most painful and damaging inter-actions that can strike a couple's relationship.
Some couples, sensing their deep differences in religion, try to make deals or strike compromises — "Dr. Evans, we have it all worked out. On one Sunday we'll go to his church, on the other Sunday we'll go to my church. We'll let the children make up their own minds when they come of age."
Some deal! First of all, neither one can really put his or her heart into the religion of his choice, because that would put too much strain on the other. The agreement has hobbled both in their religious growth, and when something does not grow it becomes stagnant. The couple also have put their children in a very awkward position. First, they will ask their children to choose one religion over another without having much orientation in either. Another burden is that when they ask the children to choose one of their religions, it is very much like asking them to choose between Mom or Dad. And what child wants to do that? Usually the children do nothing, walk off into a religious wasteland, and raise their children as little pagans. By this time the religion that once was somebody's experience has become a convention, then an inconvenience, and finally totally irrelevant — all because of a "deal." Thank God, many young people sense the bankruptcy of such agreements and take seriously their religious commitments, being
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mature enough to grapple with the meaning of difference early
in the game.
In some marriages where there is strong disagreement about religion one of the couple converts. Usually this happens when one partner feels very strongly about his or her religion and the other, sensing this and not having strong feelings of his or her own, says, "Okay, I'll convert." Sometimes it is an honest conversion, and the couple know the joy of religious unity in the marriage. Great! But in too many instances the scene goes something like this: Party A converts to Party B's religion — and unconsciously slips a card up his or her sleeve. Years go by. Then comes a struggle over a decision where apparently someone is going to have to give in. Slowly Party A's hand goes up the sleeve and pulls out the trump card. "Remember when I converted to your religion? Now it is your turn to convert to my opinion!" Usually this is not agreeable to Party B, who considers it both unfair and irrelevant. It is!
Sometimes one of the partners agrees to raise the children in the other's faith. Once I was called into a gorgeous home overlooking the Pacific Ocean from the high ridges of Bel Air, California. The wife had been a Roman Catholic, although not a very active one since their marriage. The husband had been an Episcopalian. They decided to compromise and come to a Presbyterian church. (I still can't see how the Presbyterians stand halfway between the Episcopalians and the Roman Catholics!) When their first child was of educable
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age, the wife suddenly felt deep pangs of guilt for not raising her child in the Roman Catholic faith. Her husband reminded her of her agreement, and I shall never forget the tragic truth of her response: "Yes, but I didn't realize what I was doing."
Of course, she didn't! Intellectually, she had made an agreement, an honest one, but without realizing that the conditioning and training we receive as children find deep roots in the religious furrows of our hearts. Just because we chop off the top portion of the plant and clear the field by some rational decision, that does not mean that the rootstock is dead. It may still be very active and able to come strongly to life under the right conditions. The religious training of the children was all the stimulation this woman's roots needed.
When religion is a matter of agreement, it can be a unifying and healing power in a marriage. A husband and wife who know Christ sense their acceptance by God as the Holy Spirit pours into their lives. It undergirds them with a deep sense of security, and several things happen. First, they both receive a basic affirmation from God's own Spirit, which gives them an assurance of acceptance by Someone very important to them. Then, the couple have a powerful Other to whom they can relate when they have differences. Neither must come to the place of the other; each can walk to a higher third position. As they come close to Christ, they come closer to each other.
Years ago, when Colleen and I lived in Los Angeles
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we occasionally got tickets to the Rose Bowl game. We loved to park our car on the golf course, eat a picnic lunch with friends, and then walk over to the stadium. I would always give Colleen her ticket so that if we got separated in the jostling crowd, we could end up at the same place. I would always say, "Honey, in case we get separated, I'll meet you at tunnel so and so."
Once we did get separated! For a moment I felt waves of anxiety come over me as I found myself muttering, "What am I going to do now?" Then my last words to Colleen rang in my ears: "I'll meet you at tunnel so and so." When I got to the tunnel I stood on tiptoe, craning my neck to look over the crowd in hopes of finding Coke. There she came, pushed and shoved by the fast-moving crowd, smiling at those who apologized for bumping into her, her hand raised to hold her little knitted cap on her head. We had ended up at the same place.
When a Christian couple get separated by differences of opinion, each can always say, "Honey, I'll meet you at the feet of Christ." Neither has to come to the place of the other; nobody has to "win." Instead, each makes whatever corrections are necessary to bring him or her to the feet of Christ, and the closer they come to him, the closer they come to one another.
Sex
A couple I know always tell sex-oriented jokes. However, in private counseling sessions, the wife told me
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she thought intercourse was the "goring of an innocent victim." Unable to find satisfaction in her relationship with her husband, she constantly tried to bring other men and women together, often without regard for their marital status. Disruption follows in her wake all too many times. If this woman and her husband could have talked out their feelings about sex prior to their marriage, perhaps they could have done something about her unfortunate attitude. But to have talked about such things would have been "improper" in the sexual atmosphere in which this couple was raised.
I do not feel it is at all improper for a couple in their maturing relationship to talk about sex and its meaning to each of them. I would hope they would ask each other such questions as "What was the sexual atmosphere of your home? How do you think your mother and father felt about sex? In what ways did they indicate their joy or embarrassment about it? How did you come to know 'the facts of life'?" (The answer to that last question might be good for some real laughs if the parents were like many people in explaining about the "birds and the bees.")
My first awareness of sex with Colleen was characterized by a deep sense of communication. Having both experienced a new relationship with Christ, we gave our new relationship with each other to him. He would have us "save ourselves" for marriage, and we felt and knew that would take all the strength we had — and more — so we determined to lean heavily on God and accept from him the "strength for all things" he has
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promised. We wanted our physical expression to be an honest manifestation of our total relationship. We did not want to allow the sexual expressions to get out in front of the remainder of our relationship, nor did we want them to lag behind. (I must say, the latter was far easier than the former!) We felt that when we were ready "to go all the way" we would "go all the way in every way," which meant marriage vows. We did not want our relationship to boomerang later with a false sense of obligation.
So many times, as I counsel couples in mid-life who are having difficulties, I discover a surprising number of cases in which one or the other feels that he or she was forced into the marriage. When we get down to specifics, it turns out to have been premarital intercourse that resulted in a sense of "belonging" and therefore of obligation.
Some of the modern students of sexual relationships might say, "Yes, and when we remove the cultural conditioning of obligation that goes along with intercourse, then we will be free to enjoy the relationship without hang-ups."
That seems fine in theory, if we can accept the possibility that intercourse has no inherent bonding characteristics, But suppose it does? Then no deculturalization will ever remove the deep feeling of belonging two people have when they share such a powerful, beautiful experience. This feeling of belonging is exactly what the Scriptures teach, and what many cultures through
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the ages have taught. It is an almost universal human understanding.
But back to the concept of intimate communication in sexual relationships. In sexual intercourse, two persons completely bare themselves to one another — not only physically, but emotionally and personally in the deepest sense. In this act two persons "become one flesh" — and in the Hebrew understanding of the word, that is not just a fleshly or physical union but one involving the total personality. It was under the Greek influence that we thought we could divide the human personality into segments. True, facets of the personality are identifiable, but they are not separable. Each of us is an integrated whole, and one part of our personalities interacts constantly with the other parts; they never can function separately. Thus the psyche and covenant factors of our personalities are involved with the sexual. That is why, when a convenience relationship comes to an end, one or both persons feel they "have been had."
To put it another way, the total personality is like a plant, with sex the flower. Cut the flower from the stem and the roots, and it soon withers. Cut sex from the total relationship of life, and it cannot hold two persons together. In fact it becomes stale, even objectionable.
The plant of the total relationship is made up of the stem of covenant, the leaves of common commitments and basic agreements, the roots of spiritual commitment, and the soil of social and religious heritage. When
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the whole plant is strong, the blossoms of sexual joy actually multiply and become more exciting and fragrant with the years!
Memory and association also have a strong and invigorating influence on sexual activity. Couples who have planned and then joyfully "worked" for a child, always remember the sexual act as the one in which their gift of joy was conceived. As their child grows and matures, and becomes a creative, joyful person, the sexual relationship of the parents is wonderfully enhanced. The tough times, the periods of glad surprise, slogging through monotonous "deserts" and climbing awesome "peaks all have a reference point of association, the single desire for a child and the joy of conception.
Sexual relationships do not always culminate in intercourse. At times, a quiet closeness between husband and wife can be of exquisite, relaxing refreshment. "Tactile tenderness, "cutaneous contact," or "Vitamin S [for skin]," when mixed with hours of sharing and conversation, can leave a couple refreshed and filled with a glowing sense of unity.
By all means, talk about sex before marriage. Your agreement or disagreement can make the difference between the experience of oneness or the agony of a division that grows wider with each passing year.
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Children
"What are children?"
A foolish question? I don't think so. It is a very basic question. Is a child a social responsibility? If so, he might get the feeling that the sooner he is gotten out of the way, the better — which isn't the best way to make a child feel that his parents take a delight in him.
"Is our child an extension of our own ego?"
I certainly hope not. A child may have some characteristics of mother and father, but the child is a unique creation, a totally individual combination of strengths and weaknesses. He or she is not here to duplicate Aunt So and So or Grandfather Such and Such. Each child is a special creation for whom God has a plan, and the task of the parents is to help that child find out who he or she is without seriously tampering with the results.
Some of the first questions a couple ask are: "How many children should we have, if any? Are we only to replace ourselves, or disregard zero population growth?" I know one young couple who refuse to bring young humans into the maelstrom of hatred we call life on earth. "How do we feel about birth control, and by what methods? Under what circumstances, if any, would we agree upon abortion?"
"Would we consider children to be an inconvenience, and if so, when? Only in the early part of the marriage, or all through it? And what would be inconvenienced?
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Travel, career, personal freedom, social life?"
"What fears do we have regarding children? That we won't be up to the job of raising them? Childbirth? Genetic deformity? Financial incapability? Fear of world cataclysm?"
"Who is going to raise the children? Is that the wife's job, or does the father get into the act also? If he does, how and with what responsibilities?"
"What will be our standards of discipline? Will we stand together, or will the little rascal be able to get a wedge in between us? If we disagree on a given matter of discipline, how will we handle it?"
"Is the dinner table a good place for discipline?"
"Can I tell the children, 'When Daddy comes home, you are going to get a spanking?' Or do we operate on that basis of whoever sees the misbehavior administers the discipline?"
Perhaps one of the most important questions is, "Who is more important — my spouse or the children?"
I hope it will be the spouse. After all, your spouse is the one you will live with before the children come and after the children are gone. Moreover, if children sense that they can drive a wedge between their parents, believe me, the plans are already being made! But when a child senses that Mom and Dad are together and unshakable, he may have moments of frustration because he can't work one against the other, yet that very frustration will turn into a sense of security and
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certainty — "If I can't drive them apart, nothin' can." Both the child's feet stand on a unified foundation. If Mom and Dad can be separated, then the child stands on a foundation that is shifting beneath his feet. No wonder his little face fills with panic — "If I can tear them apart, what else can?" That insecurity and uncertainty will affect the remainder of his life.
And one question might be, "What gifts does each of us bring to the rearing of our children?" Above all, I hope your little one will feel that he is a delight to you both. Nothing will prepare him for life better than knowing he makes people happy!
We had gone over to the Taylor's home one evening for dinner. They were the kind of folks who were a joy to be around — no airs, and ample love for everybody, including their little son Josh. Most of the early evening Josh roamed around the room, checking in on each guest and getting love from different ones. Then the baby-sitter took him upstairs, got him ready for bed, and allowed him to come down one last time to say goodnight to everyone. He toddled around in his "Doctor Dentons," giving everybody a kiss and a hug. Then his daddy gave him a loving pat on his bottom, and he headed toward the stairs. I couldn't help calling after him, "Good-night, Josh— we love you!"
He kept right on going, concentrating on lifting his stubby little legs over those big stairs, but he called right back, "I love me too!"
What a great way for a child to feel! Knowing his
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family, I was sure they had probably made him feel that way from the moment he was born. And having received, he is going to be able to give!
Finances
"What is money?"
Every couple should know. And yet, sometimes it goes so fast we might answer that question by half jesting and half crying, "I wish I knew! I'd like to see some!"
In all seriousness, we need to ask the question, and we need to arrive at an operational agreement.
"Is money our summum bonum — our highest goal?"
"Is money our basis of security?"
Or, turn the question around, "What will we do for money, and what will we not do for money?"
"What will we not give up for money?"
"What is the importance of money and physical possessions in our marriage? Money means something to all couples; what does it mean to us?"
Many couples are confronted with a dilemma by Christ's words: "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon [materialism]" (Matthew 6:24 RSV). For those who choose to serve the god of mammon, religion — which can outwardly appear to be so important and staunchly defended — becomes only a cloak or veneer. It is never allowed to influence the
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outcome of the money game. And certainly, for these folks, it would be unthinkable for religion to encounter or challenge the economic system.
During the days of the open housing controversy, I had preached on several occasions on the theme of our oneness in Christ, and therefore the oneness we had in communal relations. Subsequently, a black family enrolled their child in the Sunday school. After one of the services, I heard a commotion in the courtyard and stepping toward the action, was suddenly confronted by a man who saw me and bolted from the crowd. As he approached, he deliberately reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet, and waved it under my nose — not a half-inch away. He was a vocal Christian, highly successful in his business and living in a sumptuous house in one of the finest sections of the city. With irate intensity, he fairly shouted, "Louis Evans, I like you, but if what you do in this church lowers my property value by one dime, I'll fight you up and down the streets!" Apparently, I had threatened his god.
Money is a symbol of life, for it represents our labor and our creative individuality. Money, and the manner in which we use it, communicate a great deal about our personalities. Money is one of the principal ways we express our loyalties and priorities, so that when Christ calls for us to tithe, he very quickly gets a response, one way or the other! How important is God in your giving?
Actually, all Christians should tithe, right off the top of their income. That should be the first check written
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each month. This is simply a recognition that God is Lord of all of life. The "earth is the Lord's" and we are but using it for a while. If, as a people, we misuse it, the Lord will sooner or later give it to others.
Recently a rather antagonistic middle-aged church member challenged me to give him one good reason why we should tithe. I gave him several, beginning with the one above and going on to mention the fact that a Christian is one who considers himself a manager or steward — for Christ. In his death upon the cross, Christ paid a price for our liberation, and in his Resurrection he gave us the power for new life — something for which we should be deeply grateful, if we understand and have experienced what Christ has done for us.
Then suddenly an idea came over me. I shot his question back to him, slightly altered: "Give one good reason why you should not tithe!" He gave me several, none of them very good. But they told me who his master was, and it was not Christ. It was mammon. His cloak of religiosity had been blown aside and it allowed me to see his real uniform underneath.
That same kind of antagonism can erupt in a marriage when a couple do not agree on financial priorities. So, before your marriage — or even after it — it's good idea to set aside some quiet time and acquaint each other with your feelings about money. For instance, who is going to be the "money bags?" I hope that, although you are conscious of each other's gifts regarding financial management, both of you will accept some
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of the responsibility for these duties. If not, the "manager" gets all the flak when something goes wrong. Both of you should be in on the budget making and decisions, although each should have some part of the budget he or she administers without constant referral to the other. Moreover, each should have some "mad money" to spend for anything desired.
And, please, don't get in so deep that you can't see your way out, or that the light at the end of the tunnel will be so far away you won't be able to see it. Life is too short to spend it at each other's throats, which is where most couples seem to fly when things get tough financially. Money problems stand right near the top of the list as causes for sunken marriages.
Early in our marriage, Colleen and I were always bumping our noses into financial dead ends. Either we had an insurance bill to pay or an unexpected repair bill, or Christmas or vacation would leave us devastated, and me on the verge of panic. "Why punish ourselves this way?" we finally said. "We know we will have to spend those amounts, so why not get ready for them?"
Difficult though it was, we began to lay aside the monies in an accrual account. We added up all the big payments that came due each year, divided the sum by twelve, and had the bank take that amount out of our checking account each month and put it into a savings account. Then, when a bill came due, we simply withdrew the proper amount, put it into our checking account,
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and paid the bill. We even went out to dinner on the interest on that account! What a relief! Now, true, we're in a slight pinch every month, but it surely beats the panic and the strain on our relationship. We found that instead of paying somebody else 8 -10 percent for credit, we could pay ourselves 6 percent by saving our money. Put those together and you have a 14 to 16 percent difference, which is not small change!
One of the great joys of managing our money has been "dreaming." Right now we have hopes of building a little vacation cabin with our own hands somewhere in the "high country," and all the family is in on it. During our last vacation period, son Dan was working on some preliminary drawings, Andie was talking to a couple of her friends who think they want to help us build, and Tim and Jim were gathering tools. Now, we don't know when our chance will come, but we are putting money away for our dream. We're trying to "go lean" for it, and though the shocking expenses of the college years plague us, we find the dreaming is half the fun! The simplicity a couple achieve while striving toward a dream is one of the most unifying experiences a marriage can have.
"What is money?" A source of great joy when top priority is given to the Lord and the needs of the world — and the rest fulfills a dream with a purpose.
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Friends
Several years ago, a lovely young woman came to Colleen and wept out her story of her husband's rudeness to her friends. He thought they were "uncouth" because they laughed openly, "uncultured" because they were not well heeled, and "sickeningly sweet" because they showed their love for one another with hugs and embraces.
"It hurts me so much," the woman sobbed. "It's not only that he rejects such neat people — he's also rejecting part of me! I've known and loved these people for years, and they are part of my life!"
She was right. Friends are part of us, and in a marriage it is important for a husband and wife to accept each other's friends. That does not mean they must make them their best friends, but it does mean that they should honor their spouse's friendships and those needs his or her friends fulfill.
I have some flying friends, some golfing friends, and some buddies who work on cars with me. Colleen has friends with whom she can talk politics or with whom she shares concerns in the community or involvements such as the Hunger Task Force. We both give up some segment of time to the other for the development of these friendships.
Then there are those friends we both enjoy. No marriage is sufficient to itself. Each needs elements of an extended family, of persons who have covenanted to be
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available to us and sensitive to our needs. We call these friends our "warm fuzzies." We don't have to dress up or be "on duty" with them. We can relax in their presence — even snooze on their couch if we want to!
Sometimes, however, friendships can create problems in a marriage. "My best friend" can short-circuit the best-friend relationship that spouses should have with each other.
In the Song of Solomon there is a beautiful expression (which you must know we like!): "This is my beloved and this is my friend... " (15:16 RSV). When certain intimate concerns are hidden from one's mate and told to a friend, that indicates one partner's distrust of the other. A husband and wife should be "best friend" to the other — and yet neither can expect a spouse to be all that he or she cannot give and therefore stimulates those uncomfortable, painful feelings of inadequacy that usually hound most of us anyway.
If one partner says, "I can't make it without you," that puts the other in a straitjacket. It prevents him or her from taking certain kinds of risks that are necessary for a fulfilled life. I'm not talking about foolhardy risks but about those involved with challenges to our creativity and development as a person. Now, true, husbands and wives need one another and should make themselves available for the other's needs. If, however, the other is so dependent that he or she cannot get
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along alone for a short period of time, then the "box" closes in and the prison term begins.
The best marriages are made up of two people who could make it on their own if they had to, who do not clutch at their mate as though he or she were a life preserver in a stormy sea.
Dependent, independent, and interdependent are three very different words. The dependent person rides on the back of another, sucks all strength from the other, and gives little or nothing back. The independent person marches through life proudly and alone, shunning the loving ministry of those around him. But there is a period in which the dependent person must be able to stand on his own — not aloof or isolated, but strong, able to manage the affairs of life without whimpering or whining, capable of stepping into the harness and pulling a portion of the load. This makes the person interdependent — someone who gives according to ability and graciously receives according to need, someone who builds up the gifts and abilities of others while receiving their resources at the same time. So it should be among the two "best friends" who come together in a marriage.
At this point the question arises: "How much time should we spend with our friends outside our marriage? What will we do for friendships, and what will we not give up for friendships?"
Some marriages become smothered when too many friends eat up too much social time. Colleen and I ran
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into this phenomenon while I was doing postgraduate work in Scotland. We were aliens in a foreign land, although the Scots were most cordial and warm. (Don't ever let anyone tell you that Scots are mean and dour. Frugal, yes, but they will give you their last ounce of sugar, and walk halfway up the street with you if you ask directions.) With about a hundred Americans doing graduate work, however, it was not surprising that our social calendar was soon overloaded!
Colleen was nursing our first child, Dan, at the time, and although he was the model baby (of course!) he would not be hurried with his feeding. One night we tried to hurry the whole process because we were planning to go out, and he felt tension. Perhaps Colleen was putting a little something "extra" into the milk that night, but Dan put up a howl! I thought I heard that strain of an old gospel song in his rebellion, "I shall not be, I shall not be [hurried]!"
Colleen looked at me and shook her head slowly. "Honey, we're going too fast, " she said. "If we aren't smart enough to see it, little Dan is. And besides, I want more quiet time with you and Dan."
I mused quietly for a moment while I continued tying my tie. The early weeks of Dan's infancy had been idyllic. I remembered the red glow of the coal fire as I stoked it to life; the sweet sounds of Dan's nursing; the quiet talks with Coke (for a while anyway; then, she claims, I slept though most of the feedings!) I recalled the serenity of sitting on the loveseat, Dan freshly
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bathed, powdered, and tucked into his soft pajamas, humping his little back in a slow rhythm, his head on my shoulder, as we talked and sang. Soon his little body moved more slowly. I could feel his breathing take on that steady pace, and finally his little hand dropped from my chest and was limp at his side — "He's cashed in his chips, honey."
We would tuck him into his crib, and go back to the den for a night of study or letter writing until BBC's third program would sign off with those familiar words, "Goodnight, goodnight all, goodnight."
We had time to be, to live, to share, to think clearly, to pray on those nights. We emerged from the nursery blinking but mellow and very much together. Now the hectic pace, so typical of our beloved homeland, started to accelerate, but it was increasingly an unacceptable way of life. The answer was evident. We had to put time aside for ourselves. Our social life was threatening our marriage with its tyranny, and it was time for us to declare our independence from it. With Dan's help, we did.
Home
When a couple discuss the kind of home they would like to have when they are married, there are two important things to remember: (1) They shouldn't let the home run them, and (2) neither should they run away from their home. Home is the basic building block of
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a society. Home is the place where we interact in such a way that our personalities are shaped and we emerge as individuals. Here we find security. Home contains the necessary elements that help us to live as human beings. Therefore it has to be given a high priority within our whole pattern of life. We cannot allow our careers, our professional and educational interests, our social or community obligations to keep us out of touch with our home. If we do, we will not have the energy, the confidence, or the resources to carry out those other commitments.
A home runs us when we put too much emphasis on its size, location, expenses, and furnishings. I suppose most couples, at one time or another, take on too much of a house, as we did, and find that it runs them instead of the other way around. Years ago we got a terrific buy — a large, beautiful house with a spacious yard for a very low price. But keeping it up is something else. It took Dan and Tim three hours to cut the grass, and they were at the age where they had more interesting things to do. Then we had to put in shrubs and trees, which not only were expensive, but had to be cut and trimmed regularly. We didn't have nearly enough furniture for so much interior space, nor could we afford to go out and buy more. Our car was getting old, and we couldn't afford to replace it because every penny was going into the house.
I was on everyone's back — because the house was on my back! And not just financially, although — as Coke
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pointed out in chapter 1, that, too, was a disaster. Beautiful as it was, we finally decided, "Who needs it?" We sold it and bought a much smaller house with a charming but maintainable little piece of land. In fact, one summer we vacationed at home and added on to that little house, with all the family involved in the framing, shingling, plastering, painting, and decorating. We had been short a bathroom, because with four teenagers one and a half baths didn't seem to suffice. So Mom and Dad were to have their own. And what a bath! We designed a room with a sunken tub and a large plate glass window looking out into a private garden in which we planted azaleas, a small palm tree, and bedding plants. Double sinks and dressing areas were included for convenience, and I must admit it was a touch of the lovely! And when that bath was all finished, everybody used it!
Even now, the children look back on that vacation as a very special time, one they are eager to repeat. Next time round, Andie wants to learn more about the plumbing!
Even Grandma and Grandad Evans got up on the scaffold and helped shingle the roof — to the consternation or admiration of the passersby on the street, some of whom recognized Dad. Seeing such an imposing figure in overalls that stood up by themselves from all the paint and boat varnish they had accumulated through the years was more than some could believe. But to us it was a hilarious adventure. We all had dedicated
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major portion of our summer to our home; we had made it a priority, and that was worth it!
A couple should also agree on how their home will be used. Is it for family only, a place secluded from the world, or is it open to others?
I was brought up to think of the home as a place where people were to be made welcome. I'm glad Colleen was able to agree with that, or we could have had a conflict. In our first apartment at the seminary, we spent our first Thanksgiving as husband and wife. "How about inviting a couple of the seminarians who don't have families?" Colleen suggested. I concurred, and before we knew it the list had grown to eight. We borrowed a table from the seminary, some folding chairs, filled the tiny front-room study with happy students and even a visiting professor who has remained one of our dearest friends. And that set the mold. Thereafter our house always seemed to be the place for large gatherings.
One night recently our son Jim recalled his happy memories of our Bel Air living room filled with charter members of the new church — all of them singing, studying, laughing, and praying together. At times the laughter was so enticing that the children would crawl out into the hall where they could hear but not be seen, and they fell fast asleep on the floor. Guests going out would call our attention to the fact that there were four little bodies in the hall and would help us put them back into bed.
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In some cases a family comes and goes without any sort of coordinated schedule or agreement regarding the time they spend together. Each person is off in a different direction according to his or her own timetable. "I'm tired of serving dinner three of four times a night," one mother complained. "But what can I do? I can't let my kids live on snacks."
Here is one place where I would stand and fight — someone needs to take the initiative in getting the family to set aside the dinner hour for family time. If not, the camel of the world will take up all the room in the tent. Dad will let business eat him up, Mother will be too busy with her work or social groups, the children's homework or extracurricular activities will run right through the dinner hour, education will eat up weekends, holidays, and vacations. There will be no time left for the family to sit down together and share their experiences, their plans, their pains, hopes, or problems. Gradually, invisible barriers will begin to separate them, and soon they will feel like strangers in one another's presence. Should any outside force so threaten a family, the whole country would be up in arms, yet we often give up by default what we would give our lives to defend.
I am glad Colleen puts her foot down about dinner time. If too many "emergencies" keep me from those moments with my family, I hear about it! And rightly so.
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Goals
If someone were to ask you, "Do you have a good marriage?" and you were to answer, "Yes, I surely do!" by what criteria would you judge your marriage to be a success? Included among the most popular responses I receive is "being happy."
At first glance, that seems reasonable enough. But I have learned that if happiness is seen as a goal for marriage, rather than as a by-product of other factors, a couple become increasingly incapable of dealing with unhappy or difficult circumstances. Instead of meeting problems head-on, they look for escape routes, denying themselves those lasting victories and discoveries of strength that come from leaping into the arena of life and honestly struggling with the issues. But who is going to struggle with unhappiness if happiness is the goal? Such a relationship degenerates into shallow pleasure seeking, leaving behind a trail of unresolved debris that eventually overwhelms one or both partners.
We cannot seek happiness for its own sake. Happiness is the product of clear agreements, honest struggles, creative cooperation. Happiness is two people striding together through the routines of life's flatlands, slogging through some deep valleys, and climbing laboriously to mountaintops whose vistas make all the trekking worthwhile. The greatest joys come after some of the most difficult struggles.
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Some couples tell me that one of their goals is to grow together, to help one another become all that he or she can be.
There are few things more satisfying than to see one we love reaching his full potential. To hold another up on hands of prayer, to support her with all the resources we can muster, to watch her touch the stars of her dreams, sends a thrill of delight through a lover's heart.
Many couples have as their goal a high position in a corporation, and everything is sacrificed to that. Some want to be included in the highest echelons of society, whereas others strive for political positions in their community, state, or nation. Great ambitions can consume a family's time and energy to the point where each member becomes starved for personal attention. The "best" schools and "anything you want" are poor substitutes for the presence, concern, and support of a family member.
Some couples tell me their goal is to live for Christ. They want to do all they can build his Kingdom, to work with young people or the aged, spending great amounts of energy, time, or money to make the church strong and effective.
What a vast variety of goals there are and how radically they differ! At times they come into conflict with one another. Suppose that opposition and radical difference were present within a marriage? Tragically two people often come together in the excitement of romance and infatuation and never bother to talk over
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these things. How many of us have pulled back the curtain of our lives and showed each other the script that controls our "play" and all the "props" that will be used? Have we published what we honestly would like as our "agenda" for the other to read? If so, and if these goals agree, then two persons have a good chance of experiencing a glorious companionship that gets better with time.
Remember, all God's relationships are designed to operate on the law of increasing returns; they improve with age! At times we will ask ourselves if we can contain the happiness and joy. The answer is "No!" It will simply have to spill over onto others.
Blessed is the couple whose God is the Lord, who said, "These things have I spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full" (John 15:11 RSV). "I came that you might have life and have it abundantly" (see John 10:10).
Chapter Six || Table of Contents
