My Best Friend

TWO COUPLES...two loving, lovable couples ... so similar and yet so different. Two marriages... one that seems to thrive on challenges and one that was shattered by them.

    Evan and Sara are two people I like very much. When I am with Sara, she tells me about her husband, Evan, and the wonderful research he is doing in the area of world hunger. Evan talks more about Sara's work as a publicist than he does about his own. They have three beautiful children, all grown up and starting families of their own. The amazing things about Sara and Evan is that they are often separated by their work and have been for much of their long marriage. But I have the feeling that they are very good friends as well as loving husband and wife.

    Phil and Yvonne are extremely likable, too — but when I think about them I am filled with sadness. At first they were so happy. They went everywhere together — all around the world, in fact, because Phil's business required him to travel for long periods of time.

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When their three children were small, Phil and Yvonne took them along on their trips... until it was time for them to enter school. Taking them out of one school and putting them into another just wasn't good for the children, so Yvonne decided that it was time their family had a home. She and Phil bought a house, and Yvonne remained there with the children while Phil traveled.

    But Phil was gone for long periods of time whenever he went away, which meant that Yvonne had to do a lot of things she wouldn't have done if he had been home. She had to make most of the family decisions. If anything went wrong with the house, it was up to her to have it repaired. When the children had problems, she solved them by herself. By the time Phil came home between trips, she was a different, far more independent person than she had been... and somehow he too had changed. Living for so long in another part of the world, he had established new roots and made new acquaintances — all of whom were unfamiliar to Yvonne. Being away from the children for so long, he couldn't relate to them. He was concerned and affectionate — because he loved them very much — but they couldn't get close to each other. Neither could he and Yvonne. Finally they got a divorce.

    Separations break up a lot of marriages, yet there obviously was a difference between these two couples. Something held one marriage together in spite of the separations.

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    I think we can't overlook the fact that some separations are simply too long. Evan was never away for more than two weeks at a time, whereas with Phil it was a matter of months.

    But there was something else. There was a home... Evan and Sara's marriage has always had a home to embrace it. It is a specific place, a unique and nourishing environment in which both of them can meet — by letter, or telephone, or even in their imaginations — when they are apart. By the time Phil and Yvonne had a home, it was too late. Home was nothing more than a geographical location.

    When Louie is away, he can visualize the children and me in our home. It's almost a form of communication with us.

    Evan and Sara also have a common faith in a common goal. She believes in the importance of his work, and so she can make sacrifices for it. That's the way I feel about Louie's work... so, when he has to travel, which he frequently does, I may not like it, but I accept the need for it. In fact, I feel as if I'm part of it. A friend of mine, who has a remarkably good marriage in spite of many necessary separations, says, "I'd rather be with the right man some of the time than the wrong man all of the time." I feel that way, too.

    Yvonne couldn't feel that way about Phil's work. His goal was success — and unfortunately that just wasn't enough to compensate for his absence. And when important matters came up... when the children had

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problems or when Yvonne needed to talk something out with a friend, Phil couldn't be there. His work had to come first.

    The big difference in these two marriages — I think — is that Evan and Sara are able to handle their separations because they are friends as well as marriage partners. Yes... and a friend is someone who is there when you need him. Evan and Sara want to be together, they have a happy, stable marriage, and they are together enough to sustain their relationship. They know they can count on each other — because each comes first in the other's life.

    I believe in the kind of marriage that allows each partner enough space to develop and be himself. And would you believe it? — that idea isn't new! ... I like what William Penn had to say about it:

There is no Friendship where there is no Freedom. Friendship loves a free Air, and will not be penned up in straight and narrow Enclosures. I will speak freely, and act so too; and take nothing ill where no ill is meant; nay, where it is, 'twill easily forgive, and forget too, upon small Acknowledgements.

    But I also believe in a sense of belonging.. and when we belong to someone, we owe that person something. We owe him or her first claim to our time, and we owe him or her our fidelity.

    I think it's good for both partners to have interests

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they enjoy pursuing on their own, but if those interests take up the better part of their free time, then they've got problems. Most couples we know don't have much discretionary time, and if they were to spend most of it doing other things with other people, they would almost never be together.

    I wouldn't want to spent too much time doing my own thing, either. I would rather try to learn to like some of the things my husband enjoys doing.... and I'd like to share some of my pleasure with him. For instance, ordinarily I'd never think of taking up flying — I'm a white-knuckle flyer! — but because Louie loves it, and because I want to be with him more of the time, I'm learning to like it.. at least enough to be part of some pretty special little jaunts. He does the same for me. I love to see a good play, but I'm usually the one who had to get theater tickets because that just isn't Louie's thing. Still, he does enjoy a play once we get there, and it enriches our life. Yes, it's wonderful for each partner to give the other a little space of his or her own... but not so much that they can't be together. As friends, they should be able to submit to each other's tastes and interests.

    It's good for a couple to be able to function independently of each other. But alienation is something else. When two people are independent — or better still, interdependent — they have their own identities and they communicate their needs to each other. Alienated people don't communicate at all. Each is totally involved

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in his own world — by choice or because he feels cut off from the other person's world.

    Careers aren't the only things that can cause separation. Evan and Sara have a very close marriage even though they both have careers. But I have talked with some couples who are always available to each other, and yet their marriages are coming apart. They have hidden resentments toward each other, and that in itself can be an endless separation.

    It's a matter of attitude. If a husband and wife have a real friendship as part of their marriage, then they can handle the times apart like two good friends who have not seen each other for a while. Once they get back together, it's as if they never had been separated.

    "And the Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone...'" — and so we were created male and female for companionship. God intended friendship as part of marriage. It is hoped that, in addition to the attraction they feel for each other, two people will make a lifelong commitment because there is also a deep friendship between them. That friendship will serve them well, because children are not a part of all marriages.. and even when there are children, they come and they go, so that eventually a couple find themselves alone again.

    Children can be a great joy, but they were never meant to sustain a marriage. In day-to-day living — in the world of prickly beards, hair in rollers, bouts of illness, and cases of the grumps, as well as the fun and delight of building a home together — perhaps the thing

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that will matter most is that two people are real and trusting friends.

    If a man and a woman are friends before they marry — and if their friendship matures during their marriage — then there will be no "twenty-year fracture" when their children begin leaving home... Rather, they will find that at last they have the time they have always wanted for each other.

    And what is a friend? Many thing....

    A friend is someone you are comfortable with, someone whose company you prefer. A friend is someone you can count on — not only for support, but for honesty.

    A friend is one who believes in you... someone with whom you can share your dreams. In fact, a real friend is a person you want to share all of life with — and the sharing doubles the fun.

    When you are hurting and you can share your struggle with a friend, it eases the pain. A friend offers you safety and trust... whatever you say will never be used against you.

    A friend will laugh with you, but not at you... a friend is fun.

    A friend will pray with you... and for you.

    My friend is someone with whom I can share my ideas and philosophies, someone with whom I can grow intellectually. If one marriage partner is growing intellectually and the other is not, then their relationship

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will be strained. So it's good for a couple to read and discuss the same kinds of literary, political, social, and religious material. They ought to be aware of what is going on in their community, their nation, and their world. This is one of the ways in which they shape their goals. Since friends are people who have common goals, growing together intellectually is a form of friendship.

    My friend is one who hears my cry of pain, who senses my struggle, who shares my lows as well as my highs.

   When I am troubled, my friend stands not only by my side, but also stands apart, looking at me with some objectivity. My friend does not always say I am right, because sometimes I am not.

    One of the worst things that can happen in a marriage is for one partner to take the side of the other when that side is invalid. If a wife is having difficulties in her relationship with her boss, she is not helped by a husband who reacts by saying, "Why, that dirty so-and-so!" Immediately the issue becomes clouded with emotion. The wife seeks more support for her stand from her other friends and co-workers, and finally the issue becomes so polarized that it cannot be resolved.

    My friend does not do that. When my stand is invalid, my friends may say, "Maybe your attitude is a bit defensive."

    Now, when my friend does this, I must admit that it's not the happiest time in our relationship. Part of me

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would rather have him in my corner, whether I'm right or wrong — but another part of me says, "Wait a minute — you know his point is well taken. You did miss some clues. If you continue in your former thinking, you and the others with you are going to get hurt. So don't be proud!"

    Honesty has to be part of friendship. Sometimes it disrupts the calmness of a marriage, but it pays off in the long run. When my friend challenges my point of view, it helps me to get in touch with my feelings. It also forces me to become more objective about myself.

     This is a delicate balancing act in a marriage relationship. If one partner assumes the role of critic, then he's blown it. But if he can stand a bit part and at the same time let his partner know that he is loyal, then friendship becomes an art form.

    A friend is not primarily a critic. At least, not my friend. I know he loves me. And when he stimulates me to think more clearly, he adds strength to our relationship — and to me. If I find that I have to change my way of thinking, then I am free to do it in the privacy of my own counsel. In the presence of my friend, I haven't lost, nor am I ridiculed.

    My lover, my friend — this is what a marriage partner should be.

    There are other friends in my life, and I value them highly. But only my best friend knows me so intimately. More than anyone else, he recognizes my strengths and accepts my weaknesses with patience. Only he is sensi-

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tive to all my moods and vulnerabilities. It is with him that I can become one.

    Through him — my husband, my friend — Christ's love comes most powerfully into my life. Some of my deepest needs are voiced in moments of prayers with him. I give thanks to God most earnestly with him — and for him.

Chapter Seven  ||  Table of Contents