Sex Is Something Special

I LET MYSELF in for a lot of teasing the other day when I said, "I love sex." I said it among good friends and in the context of a discussion about marriage, but because I didn't make myself quite clear, I've been teased a lot about my comment. But my friends knew what I meant. It was simply this: I love my husband, and sex is part of our marriage, and therefore I love sex.

    Furthermore, I'm for emancipated sex. Now, I'm talking about sex within a lifelong commitment of marriage — sex that is enjoyed — thoroughly! I mean that kind of sex defined by Myron Brenton in The American Male as "... a free, spontaneous, primitive sexual response between men and women who look on each other as individuals rather than as walking stereotypes." By "primitive" I understand him to mean that we are free to be ourselves... free to enjoy. This is that kind of emancipated sex that is part of what makes marriage a growing adventure.

    Our society seems to be obsessed with sex — and with sexual performance. It seems to me that sex is more

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enjoyable, more fun, more ministering when a couple can relax and enjoy it without being conscious of the rules and requirements of sexual fulfillment.

    To put it simply, emancipated sex means — relax! Enjoy! And why not? For sex is good. If anyone has any doubts about it, the Bible has news for him.

    No book speaks more honestly about sex than the Bible... and the Bible never states or even implies that sex is sin. In fact, we are told that God created sex, that he ordained it, and blessed it. Only when it is misused is it wrong. Sex between a man and woman who have made a lifelong commitment covenant with each other becomes what God intended it to be— a celebration of love and life.

    The Scripture tell us that sex is not something we "do"... sex is part of us. We are sexual beings with the ability to express our sexuality in different ways. This is not accident ... each expression has a purpose.

    The first purpose that comes to my mind is that of oneness. In Genesis 2:24 (RSV) we read: "Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." For me, this command to be "one flesh" is as significant as the command "to be fruitful and multiply."

    Today it's not uncommon to hear jokes about the Genesis account of woman being fashioned from a part of man. Yet in those verses there is something we can learn. For when a man and a woman first come together sexually in a covenant relationship, they share

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an almost mystical feeling that they are not coming together as two who have never known each other. Rather, there is the feeling that — somehow— from the beginning they have been part of each other and in their physical union they are completing each other. They are becoming one.. again.

    I like this sense of belonging in a marriage... There are times, through the months and years, when a husband and wife share the same mountaintop experiences. Looking out over the same green meadows, the same meandering stream, they know that this is something they will never forget. It is their forever. They are so intensely aware of each other — physically, spiritually, and in the oneness of motive — that they are joined together with unbreakable bonds.

    Oneness.. how much a part of God's good purpose it is. Yet there are conditions to oneness. In the more traditional marriage services, a question is asked: Will you pledge your troth to... ? As they answer "yes," the couple pledge themselves to enter into a unique relationship that promises, among other things, sexual fidelity.

    In a Christian marriage faithfulness is expected of both husband and wife. Old-fashioned? Perhaps. Sensible? Definitely! Only when fidelity is their life-style can two people know the freedom and trust that enable them to express their love completely. In Proverbs, the writer warns us about the misuse of sexual life, and then goes on — in lovely, positive words of admonition — to

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faithfulness: "Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well... Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth..." (Proverbs 5:15-18 RSV). When two people are blessed with this kind of oneness and uniqueness in their marriage, it does not turn them inward toward their own private world. Quite the opposite... it seems to me they are more able to share their partners with life and other people, without jealousy or possessiveness, precisely because they know they have a holy, private place where they belong to each other. In this place they know the full and free expression of their love... it is there that they are refreshed and renewed, enabled to go out to other people and to the world. Not only they but all others are blessed by their faithfulness to the vows they made at the altar.

    Sexual oneness can be achieved only by two people who feel they belong to each other in a larger sense, but two people who really care about each other as persons and are committed to sharing all of life. They must have a total relationship.

    Of course, even within total completely faithful relationships, there are endless ways to stifle unity and oneness in sex and to sin against the spirit of our partner by a shabby attitude. If a husband or wife comes home from work, grunts some unintelligible greetings, eats without a word, and then hides behind the newspaper or a current best-seller until bedtime, he or she cannot expect a mate to turn into a passionate partner just

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because they get into bed together. Sex doesn't begin in the bedroom... it permeates all of life, and very often begins in the kitchen over orange juice and coffee. In our sexuality we express the quality of our everyday life, and when two people have lost touch with each other in the simple things, they may find themselves resisting intimacy because sex has no everyday love to express.

    A very important part of oneness is submission. In fact, sexual unity calls for the ultimate in submission, as two people present themselves to each other, accepting each other just as they are. It is a test of trust, one that — in the beginning — requires courage for total unmasking of body and soul. For oneness means giving up the very private you. This kind of submission is not easy... for some it is much harder than for others... yet it is well worth the abandonment of self that it requires. Unless two people can surrender to each other, they will miss some of the glory of the oneness God has created for them.

    One of the great purposes of sex is procreation: "And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it...' " (Genesis 1:28 RSV). The conception of a child is the most explicit way in which two people become one. And yet children are not to become an extension of a parental ego. Each child is a unique creation and has a particular destiny to fulfill... He or she should never be expected to live out someone else's unfulfilled dreams.

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    As I think about sex for the purpose of procreation,  I am wondering about the aura in which the act of conception takes place. In our society we take very seriously the way in which a person dies. But the way in which a person begins life is equally important. Are the parents committed to each other? Are they committing themselves to the child? Is conception a fear? — or a hope?

    I also wonder, now that we are aware of the spiraling rise in the world population, of the many human beings who die every day of malnutrition or hunger, if it isn't time for us to exercise our procreative responsibility in a new way. For generations we have done well at filling the earth... Perhaps now it is time for us to submit to the limits of our earth. Of course, that's easy for me to say, now that I've had the four children I've always wanted. I can just hear our oldest son, who is our family ecology and population expert, say, "Nice going, Mom. How'd you manage that? Four kids in five years!" What he means is, I'd have a hard time justifying myself if I were having our children now — and he's right. Discovering the best way to exercise Christian responsibility in this area is a task my generation has left to his.

    Communication is another purpose of sex, and one that is strongly supported in Scripture: "Now Adam knew Eve his wife..." (Genesis 4:1 RSV).

    The deepest human need is to be known and loved. For most people the potential fulfillment of that need is found in the close and covenanted relationship of

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husband and wife. Communication — knowing and being known in depth — is one of the greatest joys of sex and of marriage itself. When a marriage has soul, and two people are growing together in their total relationship, there are moments of union that transcend both word and touch. Call it "mystical" if you wish. I call it "communicating." It is not an everyday occurrence, nor does it need to be. But once it happens, it leaves its mark not only on the marriage but on all of the couple's life.

    The psychiatrist Abraham Maslow has found that, in self-actualizing people, love and sexual satisfactions improve with the age of the relationship. I love that! It confirms my belief — as does a book by Dr. Robert Butler, titled Sex in the Sixties — that all of God's relationships operate according to the law of increasing returns.

    Of course, ill health and other unavoidable hindrances can get in the way for periods of time. Still a couple who know oneness can feel optimistic about the effect of the passing years on their sexual life.

    We know a couple who most certainly confirm this expectation... Ken and Hilda were in their early sixties when we were in our twenties — and naturally we felt that sex was invented for people of our age. How wrong we were! One day Hilda took me aside and said, "Oh, Coke, since Ken has retired, we're having so much fun! We have time to do things we've wanted to do for years. We even go roller-skating! And our sex life!

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— well, it's never been so good!" Isn't that wonderful! I gave Hilda a great big hug because I felt so happy for her — and for me, because she had expanded my limited idea of what happens to sex in the later years.

    Ken and Hilda are in their eighties now, and the miles separate us from them. But the pictures and message on their Christmas card each year assure us that life is still very capable of producing a large twinkle in their eyes!

    If good sex is based on the fulfillment of each other's needs, then all the years a couple have lived together should increase their level of sensitivity to the things that please each other. Therefore, the communication that is part of sex should get better as time goes on.

    When a man and woman marry, they do commit themselves to meet each other's needs. That is another purpose of sex made clear in the Scriptures. First Corinthians tells us that the husband does not own his body... his wife does. Conversely, the wife's body is not hers, but his (see 7:3-5).

    People differ, marriages differ, and so, of course, do needs. There are great variations between couples when it comes to how intense, how frequent, how anything else their sexual expression should be. For these facets of sex there are no rules, no "must do" lists. Each couple must discover their own needs. But there are ways in which their concern for each other enables — even urges — them to minister to each other through their sexual relationship. Paul, in fact, says it is a "fraud"

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not to minister to each other in our sexual needs.

    It seems to me that Christian husbands and wives especially owe it to one another to take their sexual relationship seriously. Well, on second thought, not so seriously that it can't be fun, but seriously enough to be really important and to merit undivided attention. Often when I think of the attitude surrounding sex, the verse "Whatsoever you do, do with all your heart" flashes across my mind. For what is more dismal than the thought of a halfhearted lover — a husband going through amorous motions while thinking of an upcoming sales meeting, or a wife planning the menu for dinner party while giver her husband his "conjugal rights." A lot of the thrill and joy of sex begins right between the ears — on our mind, in our power of concentration, and in our ability to give ourselves to this God-given expression of love "with all our heart."

    Of course, there are obstacles to this kind of wholehearted giving in sex .. they come to everyone at times. We have mentioned illness, and then there is that archenemy of sex — fatigue. It is hoped these would last only a season and would be valid reasons, not masked excuses to avoid closeness. When someone uses these things as excuses and over a long period of time, there is real danger to the marriage... the person is asking for love and loyalty but at the same time closing the door to the closeness and the intimacy in which love and loyalty can grow.

    Another obstacle to wholehearted giving is busyness

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Sex was not meant to be crowded into the tiny bits of time when a couple is least able to enjoy it. Of course, there will be those unexpected "brief encounters," but they should not become a steady diet. Sex cannot remain healthy and nourished while feeding continually from the crumbs off the table. When we are too busy to find time to express our love, we are indeed too busy!

    Problems can also take a man and a woman away from each other sexually, and although sex is reconciling, it should not take the place of honestly and openly facing our problems. Sex is not an escape... it releases tension, and that is a good gift, but it is meant to enhance our lives, not become an extracurricular activity.

    The last purpose of sex I see stressed in Scripture is the golden thread of joy and pleasure that runs through every other purpose. Yet it is worthy and beautiful in itself. Once again, no two couples are alike, and there are no rules as to how each is to find pleasure. Whatever brings two people joy and a sense of well-being is right for them... and when these are affirmed again and again as they are when the couple are together sexually, they are people deeply blessed. In poetic, symbolic language, Proverbs speaks often of the pleasure and joy of lovemaking... "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely hind, a graceful doe. Let her affection fill you at all times with delight, be infatuated always with her love" (5:18-19 RSV). "My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me" (Song of Solomon 5:4 RSV, italics mine).

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    Rejoice... delight... thrill... words of pleasure and joy... words that put us in touch with ourselves as sexual beings and help free us to enjoy our humanity and our spirituality. For part of our praise to God is in our emancipated celebration of sex, and in "guiltless gratitude" thanking him for his good gift.

Chapter Nine  ||  Table of Contents