A Father's Love

Christian love must be the totally self-emptying love of the Lord Himself. It must be the divine love of God the Father poured into men's hearts by the very Spirit of God.

Thomas Hopko¹

   There is only one true love: the love of God the Father. When we consider God the Father, who is the source of all love, we find Him as the prime initiator of love. God is love. Before creation existed, the love of God flowed between the divine Persons of the Trinity. Love must have an object. Love cannot exist in isolation. Long before men were created, the love of the Father had the Son and the Holy Spirit as its eternal objects. At the time of the Incarnation, the Father demonstrated this love to His Son Jesus Christ by declaring, "This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17).

   Jesus acknowledged the Father's primacy of love when He said, "I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You [the Father] loved Me may be in them, and I in them" (John 17:26).

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   The Father moved first toward His Son and then toward His creation: "God [the Father] so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son" (John 3:16). And one of Christ's disciples communicated that good news — that the Father is the initiator of love toward us — when he said, "Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1).

   It is written in the Scriptures: "We love Him because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19, italics added). There is no reason for confusion. Earthly fathers simply must follow the example of God the Father and, by making the first move, initiate acts of love toward their wives, children, friends, neighbors — and even toward their enemies.

   Because love is their responsibility to initiate, and is not dependent upon subjective feelings, men are freed from the tremendous burden of having to wait for the arrival of great emotional intensity before making that first move. By rejecting the disabling voices of passivity and inadequacy, men choose to initiate love whether the emotional desire to do so is present or not. To choose to love and to initiate that love toward people is to act like a man. Because love really is a matter of choice, God can and does command men to initiate it: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" (Ephesians 5:25).

   Many men and women are surprised to hear that in the Scriptures, husbands are commanded to love their wives unconditionally, but wives are not directly

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commanded to love their husbands unconditionally. I have been told that husbands are strongly directed to love because they are more lacking in love than wives. That might be true of modern American men, but this analysis patently does not get to the heart of the divine command.

   The commandment to love is given to men because they, like their heavenly Father, are to be initiators of love in order to fulfill their patriarchal role. But modern, feminized males fail miserably at imitating the Father's example in this regard. Some of them are tragically ignorant of the fact that they are to be the initiators, and others simply do not want to be bothered with the effort it takes.

   As a matter of fact, many men fantasize about women always being the initiators. This compulsive need to be on the receiving end of love is, frankly, one way to check whether a man has been feminized or not. If he finds in himself a need to be pampered and to be propped up by his family and friends, and constantly needs approval from others, he will have an extremely difficult time initiating love to others. Such is the plight of countless men. A godly love, a love that initiates, will powerfully overcome the passivity that paralyzes many men.

A Love that Commits

   The love of a father is also a love that commits. One day in the early seventies, on a sparsely traveled mountain road, a group of twenty young people were returning

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from an enjoyable outing when one of their cars was involved in an accident. Tragically, one of the women passengers was horribly disfigured. What was even more tragic than the accident, however, was that the husband of this seriously injured woman, a "Christian" man, deserted her shortly afterward. His so-called love failed her at the time of her greatest need. Apparently, that which he called love was not willing to endure the difficult days that would follow.

   I don't know what to call such bogus love. But I do know it is not the committed love that flows from God the Father. His love calls us to "bear all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). American males who want to return to real manhood commit themselves to carrying the pain of others instead of running away and hiding. Fatherly love "endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). That means that males who want to act like real men commit themselves to faith and to the future, no matter what.

   Probably the most obviously missing element of committed love in today's feminized American male is his willingness to endure all things. Real love is strong. It will put up with difficulties, even to the point of dying for what is right.

   The young husband I mentioned earlier had been a fearless spokesman for Christ on the college campus. But when life's circumstances reduced him to his basic marriage commitment, he flunked the crucial test.

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A Love that Unifies

   Men who love are essential to family unity. In the Holy Scriptures, love is called the "bond of perfection" (Colossians 3:14). And do the families of this land ever need to be perfected!

   In California, there is a legion of more than eighteen thousand licensed family and marriage therapists. But try as they might, they are fighting a losing war. In just the last ten years, despite the efforts of these therapists and their associates nationwide, over twelve million American households have been disintegrated by divorce. The rate at which American families are falling apart has prompted Columbia University sociology professor Amaatae Etzione to state, "We can no longer consider the total breakdown of the family as inconceivable."²

   Where has family unity gone? And more important, who should be holding this most indispensable of social units together? The family is disintegrating, in large part, because fathers are failing to exercise the kind of love that unifies their families.

   Fathers who, from ignorance or lack of courage, will not take responsible action to preserve the unity of their homes will ultimately live in chaos. What kind of national leader allows turmoil to ruin his country? As much as most Americans hate both communism and fascism, there is one condition worse than both — anarchy. When anarchy reigns, everybody loses.

   What kind of pastor lets his church continue in discord and upheaval over one unruly brother? What

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kind of teacher allows an uncooperative student to continually distract the entire class? Yet feminized American men have stood by as anarchy has ripped apart their homes. First the extended family disintegrated, and now the nuclear family is following in its footsteps.

   Fathers should work for unity which extends beyond the nuclear family to the extended family as well. This will ultimately serve to produce a healthy society. Everyone will benefit. Young mothers will be assisted during the energy-consuming days of child-rearing by grandparents, uncles, and aunts who understand their roles. Regaining this normal and historical relationship will be rough on the growing phenomenon of childcare centers, but it will certainly be great for the children.

   Elderly grandparents will be useful and respected as they keep their lives properly involved in the welfare of the family. This might be a setback for rest homes, motor home sales, and retirement village developers in Arizona, but it will surely give a rich blessing to the elderly instead of loneliness in their later years. The unification of the extended family will not be good for singles bars, encounter groups, or Internet dating firms, but unmarried people will overcome loneliness, lack of self-worth, and the vulnerability that haunts them as they regain their dignity and protection by contributing and relating to the family.

   To come to true manhood is to be a source of unity. American men are responsible for the unity of their

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families, and it is from that unity that peace and order flow.

A Love that Sacrifices

   Another mark of authentic love that American males desperately need to recover is the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of righteousness. Sacrifice! What a rare word in today's self-fulfillment-oriented society.

   Every day men are bombarded with countless messages extolling the "virtue" of self-gratification. Men are continually being seduced into putting themselves first. Millions of American men have been lulled into a lifestyle in which virtually every moment of their discretionary time is spent in the pursuit of self-centered activities.

   From professional obligations, to leisure activities, to community and charitable pursuits, the involvement of men seems predicated on the amount of fulfillment that any given activity might return to them. "What can I get out of it?" is the question voiced much too frequently. Will there be a plaque for my wall? A seat on the board? A notice in the paper? Activities and relationships that once existed primarily for the benefit of others are quickly dropped if they do not give men a heightened sense of personal fulfillment.

   In the fifty-plus years I have been a Christian, I have noticed the increasing frequency with which Christians switch churches. The move to a new congregation is usually made because the church left behind was "not

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feeding me" — as if the primary purpose of Christian worship and service were to fill personal needs. Even families are not exempt from this love affair with self. High on the list of reasons the typical American male gives for dumping his wife and children is that he was not "getting his needs met." In a word, this is sick.

   This hesitancy to sacrifice time and personal pleasure lies in sharp contrast to the spirit of sacrifice seen in the lives of holy men throughout history. These men willingly made great sacrifices because it was the right thing to do. Abraham had to sacrifice his homeland. So willing was he to sacrifice to do God's will that he was even willing to sacrifice the life of his only son, Isaac, whom he deeply loved.

   Moses sacrificed family, wealth, and the very throne of Egypt to do God's will. Hosea agreed to keep and love an unfaithful wife. Mary the Virgin was willing to endure the social shame of an unexplainable pregnancy, and noble Joseph stood with her. Stephen had to sacrifice his life for the sake of the gospel of Christ. He is called the protomartyr of the Church, the first to die for Jesus Christ. Throughout the unbroken history of the Church, men and women have followed this example and given their lives for the Faith — thrown to lions, sawn in two, burned at the stake for the sake of righteousness.

   The supreme example of the willingness to sacrifice is seen in God the Father. Can you imagine voluntarily sending your only son to die a torturous death in order to ransom the very people who would inflict such

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atrocities on him? But this is the sacrifice God the Father made on our behalf.

   Historically, before traditional masculinity evaporated from the American scene, the willingness to sacrifice for righteousness' sake was viewed as a normal part of being a man. The typical colonial man was willing to sacrifice any personal time he might have had in order to do what was right for his family. Although there were normal times of rest, the term vacation was unheard of, and the concept of retirement was completely unknown. A man's life, and all his time, revolved around what was best for his family until the day he died.

   Today, having "my own space" is deemed an inalienable right by many men. But if men want to do what is right for their families, they must be willing to sacrifice. And the first thing up for grabs is free time. If a man spends all his available moments in front of the television and VCR, in four different softball leagues, or in the neighborhood bar, how can he expect his children to become anything but self-absorbed individuals?

   Real men know that their days of childhood, when responsibilities were few and leisure time was plentiful, are gone. Real men are committed to give themselves up for the sake of righteousness, to sacrifice for their wives, their children, and their friends.

A Love that Is Zealous

   Another mark of authentic love, which I've never seen mentioned in the "touchy-feely" books about

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men, is zeal. A truly masculine man is unashamedly zealous for his family. Today, a zealous person is usually looked upon suspiciously as one who gets a little carried away, a fanatic who is obsessed and out of control. To refer to someone as a zealot is to imply that he is a well-intentioned fool, a good man who doesn't know when to stop.

   What a contrast this is to our model for manhood! Zeal is one of the most noticeable characteristics of God the Father. Over and over again, zeal is an attribute used to describe Him. Our God is a zealous God. And what is the object of His zeal? His beloved people. Repeatedly, God said of the people of Zion, "I am zealous for Zion with great zeal; with great fervor I am zealous for her" (Zechariah 8:2).

   This Father's zeal is an ardent, intense, fervent, even passionate concern for the welfare of His children. At times, God's zeal for Israel made Him act like a man of war (Isaiah 42:13). His zeal brought His people out of captivity in foreign lands (Isaiah 37:32). His zeal for them led to His ultimate act of love — sending Jesus Christ to be the Messiah (Isaiah 9:6,7). And bearing the image of the Father, the Son of God showed great zeal in cleansing the temple so that His people could worship in purity (John 2:14-17).

   God's zeal always has a purpose. It is aimed at keeping His people together. Even when He has had to punish us for our disobedience, God always made sure a remnant survived so His family could remain intact. God is zealous for the stability of His children.

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   The American family is in the midst of a battle for its existence. It is being attacked on every front, and nothing will save it apart from the mercy of God and men who follow His example. May we men again embrace zeal as a part of our manhood, because we see the zeal of a loving God who cares for His people, and because we want to be like Him. May we begin to develop an ardent, intense, fervent concern for the welfare of those entrusted to our care.

A Love that Models

   One of the most ignored fathers of all time has to be Joseph, the earthly step-father of Jesus. The Scriptures tell us he was a righteous man, a model the boy Jesus could safely imitate.

   Joseph, with his wife Mary, went to Jerusalem to offer a sacrifice and to present her first-born child to the heavenly Father. Joseph protected his family by leaving Bethlehem for Egypt, thus avoiding the slaughter of thousands of baby boys by Herod the king. Under the headship of Joseph, Jesus grew strong and wise in His humanity — strong, because He imitated His father Joseph's trade of carpentry, and wise, because His earthly father was a man of wisdom who had the grace of God upon him.

   Joseph took his family to the Feast of the Passover in Jerusalem every year. And, yes, Joseph — like all fathers who err from time to time — left for the trip back to Nazareth without Jesus. When, at the end of a day's journey, Joseph realized what had happened, he and

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Mary turned back immediately to Jerusalem. They found Jesus in the temple, and Mary said to Him, "Son, why have You done this to us? Look, Your father and I have sought You anxiously" (Luke 2:48, italics added).

   Sounds like a mother, doesn't it? Mary was referring to the concern of His earthly father, Joseph. Jesus answered her question by saying, "Did you not know that I must be about My Father's business?" (Luke 2:49). Did He mean that from that time He would relate only to His heavenly Father and not to His earthly parents anymore? Not at all. Following this event, the biblical account notes that He "was subject to them" and that He "increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:51, 52).

   Was Jesus following Joseph or God? It wasn't an either-or situation for Him, nor should it be for us. It is both. For Jesus, to follow Joseph's example was to walk in the will of His heavenly Father. It is the same for all children who seek to obey the Father of their fathers.

   What does that say to fathers? It could change their lives, and especially their relationships with their children. The reason youths are following worldly models, the reason this generation of teenagers idolizes James Dean, the old rebel model of my high-school days, and the reason the tragic life of Elvis Presley has been canonized in the minds of so many Americans, is that fathers are no longer models for their children.

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Where the Rubber Meets the Road

   So what do men do? I know what I did. I sat down with my son and told him that he didn't have to chase after the superstars of the world, people who didn't know him, who weren't committed to him, who didn't care about him. For starters, all he needed to do was to be like me, his father. Egotistic? Not on your life. Risky? Absolutely! But I was seeking to establish our relationship the way it was meant to be. Does that mean a father has to be perfect? No. It just means that we need a heart to humbly pursue what is true.

   I make mistakes, sometimes big ones; but I also repent. I fall, but, by God's grace, I also get back up. If my son imitates me in that, he will be fine. Boys really do want to be like their fathers. I wrestled in high school. My son wrestled in high school. I like to draw. My son likes to draw. I like dirt bikes. My son likes dirt bikes. Most important of all, I love God and my son loves God. Does that mean that I was trying to make my son into a little clone of myself? No. That is not the issue here. There are numerous things about my son that are markedly different from the way I'm put together.

   What it does mean is that my son believes what I believe. If he didn't, I could have counted on his believing what someone else believed. Some readers may protest, "You mean you told your son what to believe?" I most certainly did.

   If fathers cannot do that, they are doing their sons a great disservice. They need to change their view, or they

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need to change what they believe. Because my children growing up had models in the home, they didn't have to struggle so much with what to believe. The will of God for my children is to do the will of their father and mother. That is why the Bible says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord" (Ephesians 6:1). How that simplifies the lives of children in the midst of a complicated society!

   What about the children's identity? Does such obedience not tend to destroy their identity as persons? Let me ask this: Did the identity of our Lord Jesus Christ suffer because He imitated His Father? Hardly. He was the most balanced, well-adjusted man who ever walked the earth.

   Of course, such modeling can only take place in the context of a close relationship between father and child. Dr. James Dobson, well-known author and Christian counselor, said in a film on Christian fathering, "Dad was not only my very good friend — my father, of course — but also my partner. Nearly everything I write originated in a conversation with him."³

   In the effort to recover responsible fatherhood, dads must declare themselves the models for their sons. That is the normal relationship that brings boys to manhood. It is part and parcel of a true patriarch. The Apostle Paul boldly declared this truth to an entire church when he wrote, "For in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel. Therefore I urge you, imitate me" (1 Corinthians 4:15, 16).

   Years ago, our family was returning from a trip to Idaho where

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we had been visiting friends. As we wound through the mountains just outside of Pocatello, the falling snow was getting progressively deeper by the side of the road. It appeared that we were in an area where no one else had ever lived, but out of the corner of my eye I saw an old wooden schoolhouse perched on a secluded hill. It was probably built at the turn of the century.

   I'm a sucker for old things. I'm enraptured by old barns and especially old schoolhouses. Grabbing the camera, I jumped out of the car and began the ascent up the hill through the drifts of snow.

   As I approached the weather-beaten school, my mind was trying to visualize the children whose feet carried them to these doors decades before. Suddenly, I heard a frantic cry from behind me. About thirty yards back down the hill, a little head popped out of a snow bank. It was my then-six-year-old son, Todd, stuck in a drift. I didn't know he had followed me.

   When I went down the hill to rescue him, he sobbed, "Your steps got too far apart. I couldn't jump in your feet anymore."

   The young people of America — our children — really do desire somebody to follow. Just as in the case of my son, the footsteps that sons want to walk in are those belonging to their fathers. Tragically, millions of modern fathers have bought the false and damaging propaganda that it's wrong to want their sons to be like them. Still others, like the inferior Victorian man, feel hopelessly inadequate to be a model for their children.

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   To be a man is to be willing to be a model of love. And unless men commit themselves to imitate their heavenly Father and become models for their own sons, their boys will have an even tougher time becoming real men than their fathers have had.

   We men have a choice before us. Like Peter Pan, we can continue to act like boys and refuse to grow up. But if we choose that option, we can look forward to suffering even more terrible and dramatic consequences than we have already witnessed in our collapsing culture.

   Or we can respond to the words of the Apostle Paul and act like men by imitating God the Father. Only when men are willing to imitate the Father's love — a love that initiates, commits, unifies, sacrifices, is full of zeal, and models — will we learn what it means to be men who love as the Father loves us.

Chapter 14  ||  Table of Contents

1. Thomas Hopko, The Orthodox Faith, Volume 4: Spirituality (New York: Department of Religious Education of the Orthodox Church in America, 1984), p. 108.

2. Sanoff, "Our Neglected Kids," p. 58.

3. James Dobson, Focus on the Family Film Series, Film 3 — "Christian Fathering" (Waco, TX: Word, 1979).