Learning from Jesus

Caregiving

How does God's commandment "Honor your father and mother" apply to aging parents in changing times? How did Jesus fulfill the spirit of this commandment as an example for us?

Does Jesus understand what it means for us to care for aging parents in contemporary circumstances? In Jesus' time people lived only half as long as we do today. In those days people knew nothing about Medicare payments, medical breakthroughs, nursing homes, and living wills. Yet, for those of us who believe in the timeless truth of God's Word, Jesus understands every dilemma we face, every decision we make, every pain we suffer, and every doubt we hold in caring for our aging parents. If we demand specifics for every situation, we will be disappointed. But if we build on biblical principles, Jesus will teach us the full meaning of filial honor — a commandment of the law, which He taught as infallible truth and a concept of the Spirit, which He lived as a flawless example.

   When the rich young man asked Jesus which commandments to obey in order to gain eternal life, the Master chose "Honor your father and mother" among the six which He highlighted. To Him, filial

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honor went beyond a commandment to be obeyed; it was a spirit to be lived. His example backs up His teaching. In the moments when Jesus' relationship with His parents puts His teaching to the test, He personalizes the principles we need to guide us today. Thus filial honor becomes another proof that the Word of God is timeless and that Jesus Christ is our best friend.

The Principle of Filial Obedience

As the base upon which long-term relationships with our parents are built, Jesus teaches us the meaning of filial honor through His obedience to His parents. Go back in your mind to the familiar episode when Jesus, the twelve-year-old boy, missed the caravan and stayed behind in the temple to ask and answer questions of the priests and scholars. When His parents missed him after three days' journey and returned to Jerusalem to find Him, His mother vented her frustration in the question, "Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you" (Luke 2:48).

   Revealing His adolescent humanity, Jesus spouted, "Why were you searching for me? ... Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" (Luke 2:49).

   In turn, Joseph and Mary responded like typical parents of a teenager: "They did not understand what he was saying to them" (Luke 2:50). But after that early show of independence with its prediction of things to come, Jesus then "went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them (Luke 2:51).

Filial honor begins with filial obedience. A disrespectful child will not become a respectful caregiver when parents grow old. One of the most frightening facts coming out of studies of domestic violence in families is to find that abuse breeds abuse from generation to generation. Children who learn violence in the home of their parents practice violence in their own homes with their children. Escalating evidence of "elder abuse" in our society should make us pause.

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Children who do not obey parents in early age may benignly neglect and physically abuse them in old age. But given this reality, can we not also conclude that the honor of obedience in early age becomes the honor of care in old age? Filial obedience pays its benefit in the quality of care that adult children give to their aging parents just at the time when they are most needy.

   According to Luke's Gospel, filial obedience has another benefit for both children and parents that bears directly upon their relationship in old age. Jesus's obedience to His parents provided the discipline within which He "grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men" (Luke 2:52). Physical, psychological, social, and spiritual growth all converge in this short verse. Working together along the natural lines of human development, they become beautifully turned and balanced in a model of maturity that is confirmed in Jesus' adulthood.

   Any one of us who has cared for aging parents knows that every part of our personality is put to the test of maturity in times of crisis. Physically, our energies are drained; psychologically, our nerves are frayed; socially, our relationships are strained; and spiritually, our faith is challenged. To honor our aging parents under these conditions requires the recognition that our obedience and their discipline helped prepare us for caring in crisis. Filial obedience lends credence to the adage, "Whatever goes around comes around." In the cycle of the generations, filial obedience in early age becomes personal maturity in adulthood and filial care in old age. One cannot be separated from the other. Following in their turn, filial obedience, personal maturity, and filial care give meaning to the beginning, middle, and end of the sixth commandment, "Honor your father and mother."

The Principle of Filial Responsibility

In Mark 6:3 we are given a description of Jesus' family as He returned home for His first visit after opening His public ministry. Jesus had left Nazareth as a common carpenter; He returned as a master teacher.

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Neighbors who knew Him could not believe that transformation. Skeptically, they raised the question, "Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon? Aren't His sisters here with us?"

   Three facts immediately come to our attention. First, we learn again that Jesus is the firstborn and eldest son of Joseph and Mary. Second, Jesus came from a large family, including four brothers and an unknown number of sisters. Third, the absence of Joseph's name heading the family roster suggests that he had died and left Mary a widow. If so, responsibility for Mary and the family fell to Jesus. We already know that He did not leave home to begin his public ministry until the "coming out" age of thirty-one, according to Jewish tradition. We also need to realize that during the silent years between the age of twelve in the temple and the age of thirty-one when He appeared on the banks of the Jordan, Jesus made the transition from filial obedience to filial responsibility. Especially if His mother was widowed, Jesus had to assume the father's role for the family — earning a living, consoling His mother, and nurturing His younger brothers and sisters. Knowing Jesus' integrity as we do, no stretch of the imagination is needed to conclude that He accepted the father's role and assumed the filial responsibility that fell to Him. With that same assurance of integrity, we can also conclude that He did not leave home until the care of His mother and the livelihood of His family had been assured. Although His townsfolk ridiculed the idea that the carpenter had become a rabbi, they did not give the slightest hint that He might have neglected His family by leaving home. One can envision Jesus leaving a debt-free family home, a stable carpentry business with the brothers as partners, domestic help from the sisters and an extended family of aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, grandsons and granddaughters — all serving as the support base for His mother, Mary.

   Although pension funds, medical insurance, and nursing homes give assurance to our aging parents today, they lack the personalized value of filial responsibility in Jesus' time. From His example, we

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need to learn that economic provision is only part of our filial responsibility. Aging parents fear isolation and abandonment as much as if not more than sickness and poverty. Our filial responsibility calls for us to pay close attention to the relational support system we provide for our aging parents, especially during the times of transition when physical relocation is required. It takes time for a new place and new people to become "home" for our aging parents, but with interim support from the immediate family the transition can be amazing. My sister's eighty-seven-year-old mother-in-law, for instance, fought the sale of the family home and the move into a retirement center. Now she is equally adamant about leaving the retirement center in Detroit, Michigan, to live with her daughter in a new home in Sun City, Nevada. She will miss her friends, social hours, worship services, and most of all, the opportunity to take classes in Spanish and accounting, which she could not take as an immigrant daughter from Armenia without the privilege of high school. Still, the move must eventually be made. When it happens, she will need her son, her daughter, and my sister, her daughter-in-law, to give her full support at an age when a transcontinental move, even to be with her own family, is like a trip to the moon. As Jesus taught us about these moments, filial responsibility will be the signal of filial honor.

The Principle of Filial Independence

At times, Jesus' response to His mother and family seems to contradict His sensitivity for filial responsibility. When someone announced that His mother, brothers, and sisters appeared in the crowd and wanted to speak to Him, Jesus spoke a conundrum:

"Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." Matthew 12:48-50.

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   Even more confusing is Jesus' earlier response in His exhortation to the disciples before sending them out to preach, teach, and heal:

Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:37-38.

   Take the force of this hard saying one more step. Luke heard the same exhortation, but with different meaning. He recalls Jesus saying,

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters — yes, even his own life — he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

     Was Jesus contradicting His own commandment, "Honor your father and mother?" Or was He establishing the principle of filial independence that sets children free to be themselves and put Christ first in their lives? I contend for the latter position. In the natural course of human development, filial independence must give way to filial independence. Otherwise, our growth as persons is stunted and our first loyalty to God cannot be given.

   As much as it may hurt, I have always advocated a love that lets go of our children, our proteges, and our converts. The saddest sight I know is to see children who have never established their own identity. I even wonder at sons and daughters who forsake marriage or career opportunities in order to care for their parents. For some, this may be their ministry. For others, it may be a flight from independence. I must confess that my ego took a blow when students at Seattle Pacific University never connected, "David L. McKenna Hall" with our oldest son, Douglas, a professor of business who teaches classes in the building — or with our youngest son, Robert, who took his B.A. and M.B.A. classes in the hall named after his

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father. Yet I must learn that my sons need to be free of my identity in order to become the persons God calls them to be and to follow Him wherever He may lead.

   Every son and daughter must make a declaration of independence from his or her parents. The declaration may have to be as forceful as choosing between parents and family, parents and career, parents and vocation, or parents and faith. In our case, we had to leave aging parents in Michigan to the care of a brother and sister in order to follow the call of God to the presidency of a Christian university in Seattle, Washington. Others may not have to answer such a distant call, but all of us must declare our filial independence if we are to grow to our potential as individuals created in the image of God.

   Filial independence is even more important to our spiritual individuality. When Jesus talked about hating our spouse and children, parents and siblings in order to be worthy of Him, He did not condone a sinful emotion. Rather, He established the principle of filial independence on spiritual grounds. His radical call to self-sacrifice included the decision to chose between two of our greatest and sometimes competing loves — our God and our family. To choose God may appear to be hatred for family, but this is not so. It is the choice between competing loves in which God must be first. But when this choice is made, the family does not suffer. In my own case, when I chose to answer the call of God in transcontinental moves from Michigan to the state of Washington, and then later from Washington to Kentucky, the changes could have been disastrous for our junior and senior-high children. But when I began to second-guess the will of God during the tough moments of transition, He invariably pointed to the positive impact on our children as confirming evidence of His call. Does not the same principle hold for our relationship with our parents? We honor our father and mother when we declare filial independence as Jesus did. Without a clean, clear break, the carpenter could never become the rabbi, and the Son of Man could never have fulfilled His mission as the Son of God.

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The Principle of Filial Stewardship

As we might expect, Jesus does not forget our financial responsibility to our parents as another way of spelling out the commandment "Honor your father and mother." In a complex passage of Scripture dealing with a technicality of the Mosaic law, Jesus tells the Pharisees and some teachers of the law,

You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, "Honor your father and mother," and, "Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death." But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: "Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban" (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that. Mark 7:9-13

   Jesus' purpose in this passage is to condemn the Pharisees and scribes for inventing religious regulations that become more important than responding to human need. Corban is the key word.  It means a gift of money or property that is laid upon the altar of God and set apart exclusively for sacred use. Certainly such an act is intrinsically good and expressly spiritual. Setting aside our resources solely for sacred purposes is not unlike dedicating ourselves wholly for God's use. By sanctifying our resources we sanctify ourselves. The Pharisees, however, had twisted the meaning of Corban to avoid meeting their personal debts and their filial responsibility. A debtor, for instance, could declare the amount of his debt as Corban so that his creditor could make no claim upon the money. By this concoction, Corban became a spiritualized "Chapter 11" to declare bankruptcy and escape creditors.

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   Corban had taken another twisted meaning to which Jesus alludes. In a fit of anger, a son or daughter could pronounce Corban upon their parents as a curse to avoid further communication with them or responsibility for them. In this case, a twist of the law becomes a perversion of the law. Corban, originally a sacred concept, is now used to justify a curse in direct violation of the Mosaic law. Instead of the son or daughter's curse being a reason for death by execution, which the law originally required, it is now extolled by the Pharisees as a spiritual virtue.

   Jesus' choice of the commandment "Honor your father and mother" in refuting the pharisaical interpretation of Corban is not incidental. He cites instances in which a child pronounces Corban upon a gift of money and then refuses to help his parents in need. While the Pharisees spiritualized such an act, Jesus denounced it as the sin of using tradition to break the law. To Him, the commandment took precedence over tradition and human need took precedence over a "spiritualized" interpretation. To neglect needy parents under the guise of spiritual priority is a sin for which Jesus had no patience. We can be sure, then, that He did not embark upon His spiritual mission without adequate financial provision for His mother and family. Otherwise His words would have come back to haunt Him. Following His example, we too will recognize the priority of our parents in providing for their financial needs. The principle of filial stewardship teaches us that we cannot justify neglecting our parents, even on spiritual grounds, and still please God.

The Principle of Filial Care

After declaring His independence, Jesus did not forget His mother. In the midst of His suffering on the cross, He still thought about her rather than Himself. Looking down upon the scene of wailing women, Jesus realized that His mother suffered most. So, speaking directly to Mary and John, He bonded His beloved mother with His beloved

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disciple: "Dear woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother" (John 19:26-27).

   John, the disciple to whom Jesus refers and the author of the Gospel, then adds the autobiographical footnote, "From that time on, this disciple took her into his home" (John 19:27).

   No moment is more tender or touching in all of Scripture. When Jesus knew He could no longer fulfill His obligation as a son, He made an alternative provision for the care of His mother. Not unlike our contemporary circumstances in which alternatives to personalized care of aging parents are often required, Jesus asked John to take His place and become Mary's surrogate son.

   What happened to Jesus' brother and sisters, we might ask? I suspect that their care continued for her physical and social needs, but only John could become her spiritual son with whom she could share all that she "treasured... in her heart" (Luke 2:51). Who better could feel the grief in those numbing hours after the Crucifixion? Despite her unfailing faith, Mary must have feared that her Son had died without fulfilling the messianic promise that she had been given. Not until the angel at the empty tomb gave her word of Christ's resurrection would Mary's grief be broken. During those critical hours after the Crucifixion and into the years ahead when only faith could foresee the redemptive outcome of Jesus' death, John would be her son.

   Alternative care for aging parents is a grim reality in our fast-moving, urban world. For all intents and purposes, the extended family is extinct and "in-law" apartments are too costly to consider. More and more, alternative care is the most viable option. In some instances, we may have the resources to provide housekeeping services for our parents or pay someone to live with them. Even then, the time will probably come when a decision about a total life-care facility looms large. We will not escape the guilt of that decision. Most of us, at one time or another, have felt as if we would have our parents live with

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us rather than in a nursing home. But when the moment of crisis arrives, reality checks in. Whether it is the size of our home, the mobility of our career, the priority of our growing children, the clash of our personalities, or the limits of our finances, we will be like Jim, Beth, Bob, and Bonnie at the beginning of this book. Alternative care is the option, but what kind of care will it be?

   Jesus shows us that a lifetime of filial love is the bond that holds our aging parents through the temporary crises and permanent adjustments of aging. The kind of alternative care is secondary to the assurance of filial love. By being caregivers first and caretakers second, we will be following the model and reflecting the spirit of Jesus in giving filial care to our parents as He did to His mother.

   Return to the question, "Does Jesus understand what it means for us to care for our aging parents in contemporary circumstances?" The answer is unequivocally yes even though He never had to deal with such modern inventions as nursing homes and Medicare. Instead of dealing with the specifics of changing systems, He personalizes for us the principles of filial honor to fulfill in letter and spirit the meaning of the fifth commandment, "Honor your father and mother." Following His example, our role as caregivers for aging parents is clear. We are to:

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   Need we say more? Sooner or later your phone will ring, and you will come to the moment when your parents need you most. By following the principles of loving care that Jesus taught us, you will honor your parents and please your God, even in these changing times.

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Rights and Responsibilities of the Christian Caregiver

I Have a Right:

 I Have a Responsibility:
1. To take care of myself 1. To assume my share of the care for my aging parents
2. To seek help from others even though my relative may object.

I recognize the limits of my endurance.

 2. To listen to the concerns of my aging parents and explain, as best I can, the reasons for my decisions
3. To maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for 3. To maintain, whenever possible, the facets of my aging parents' life that give them independence and dignity
4. To get angry, be depressed, and express other difficult feelings 4. To create a climate of joy and hope for my aging parents
5. To reject any attempt by my relative (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me 5. To seek to understand why my aging parents resort to manipulation
6. To take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken 6. To take pride in the continuing accomplishments of my aging parents and applaud their courage for small wins

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7. To protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself 7. To recognize that the gift of self sacrifice, which my aging parents once gave to me, is now mine to give in return

Table of Contents of "When Our Parents Need Us Most"