The Reshaping of
Relationships
Even though after my first divorce I determined I would carve out my own future independent of anyone else, I discovered I needed relationships with others. I entered these relationships without seeking what God had in mind for me. As a result, problems with relationships haunted me for the two decades I refused to submit to the shaping of the Master Potter.
As long as I initiated relationships strictly on my own feelings, my likes and dislikes, my relationships with men in particular put me on an emotional roller coaster. Try as I might, I could not seem to get off it. Once I submitted to the Master Potter, He reshaped my priorities, my goals, and helped me develop the patience for relationships that could survive the intense public scrutiny and marriage pressures of a show business career.
Psychiatry is beginning to recognize what the Master Potter determined before He made humans. God said after He created Adam: "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." (Gen. 2:18 KJV).
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God did not create us to be independent, autonomous units in society. He created us to thrive in relationships in which we nurture and support each other as well as develop the mutual accountability that will foster both personal and relationship growth.
Allison Bass, in an article in the Boston Globe on May 19, 1993, reported that psychotherapists at Wellesley College's Stone Center developed a treatment approach that considered women's intense need for relationships as intrinsically healthy, rather than a form of psychological illness, which had been the prevailing attitude when treating abused women. When put into practice in a women's psychiatric unit at Boston's McLean Hospital, this new attitude in therapy proved remarkably effective. Helping women realize that their need for relationships was healthy and helping them work through their relationship traumas proved more effective than approaches that sought to help women overcome the need for relationships.
Families Start the Process
Adult relationships are not, however, shaped in a vacuum. God puts us into families to start the process — and mine was a genuinely caring extended family. I was an extrovert, but I was also extremely sensitive. I was fortunate enough to have relatives around me who understood that. I visited their homes many times during my childhood, for my brother was afflicted with more than his share of illnesses, and I was a handful that my mother must have been glad to be rid of as often as possible.
I idolized my Grandfather Wood. We spent every Christmas and part of every summer with him in
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Uvalde, Texas. I sensed in him a rare spark of understanding and affection that added such richness to my life. He was old, but he never lost his youthfulness or his love for children and young people. I have no doubt that he was used by God as a role model to shape my love for children, making me eager to enlarge our family through adoption.
I suspect I acquired my strongly independent and non-conformist streak, but also my love for fun, from my great-grandfather. A crusty, unconventional, and completely lovable old rebel, Grandpa went his own way and stood on his own feet, no matter what. When his eyesight began to fail, he refused to be driven to prayer meetings on Wednesday nights. Employing a cane, he navigated his way to church in the middle of the village street, even though people laughed at him and were annoyed at his recklessness.
These relationships, and many others, all contributed to who I became. But I also recognize that misused, some of these qualities became destructive in my life. Only when the the Master Potter began reshaping me could they become fit for His service and used to the glory of God.
Despite all the special treatment I received from my mother and aunts as a precocious little girl, my relationship problems started as soon as I entered my teenage years and began testing my wings. I did not like the restrictions I felt my parents and our Baptist church put on my career goals.
My mother wanted me to finish high school and become a music teacher — I wanted to sing and dance my way to the top in the entertainment field. She wanted me to settle down nearby — I wanted to test what the world had to offer me. I did not realize that
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in that rebellion against my parents I was sowing the seeds for relationship disasters. I was too strong-headed to recognize the truth of the biblical principle: "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you" (Ex. 20:12).
Consequences of Rebellion
Somehow the fact that this was emphasized in the New Testament as well by the apostle Paul in Ephesians 6:1-3 escaped me — or I was unwilling to accept it. As a result, I eloped at fourteen, completely oblivious to the consequences in store for me. Even when nothing turned out right in future relationships, I failed to recognize that it was God disciplining me. Instead of turning to God, I struck out in all directions, hurting myself and often hurting others. I constantly rationalized my growing sense of guilt, trying to justify my wrongdoing. I did not realize I needed to look to God for the only perfect love that is available to us in our marriage relationships.
In God's mercy and grace, He kept after me until I recognized that discarding an unsatisfactory relationship for a more promising one just kept me on the roller coaster. When I married Roy I was determined that this time it was for life, but that became a reality only because less than two months later I submitted to the Master Potter's reshaping of my relationships.
Guidelines from the Bible
I found that the Bible provides clear guidance for the cement that keeps a marriage together. In an earlier
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lier chapter we focused on Hannah and her desire for a child, which she felt was essential to cementing her relationship with her husband, Elkanah, and quieting her tormentor, Penninah. A frequently overlooked aspect of that relationship is Elkanah's support for Hannah despite her childlessness. He asks: "Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?" (1 Sam. 1:8).
Some have interpreted this as the typical arrogance of a man who does not recognize the emotional needs of a woman. Although she has a loving husband, she cannot be emotionally satisfied without a child to love and care for.
That's a valuable insight, but it is also true that Elkanah demonstrated the kind of love needed to sustain a marriage relationship. Most men in Israel at that time determined a wife's value by whether she could bear a son, but Elkanah insisted that his love was not diminished by her barrenness. His love was, in fact, unconditional.
Love like that sets the tone for a marriage relationship since it expresses Christ's unconditional love for us. The kind of love the Master Potter has given us as Christians is described in Romans 5:5: "The love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Then the apostle Paul describes the dimensions of this love, the self-sacrificing nature of the love the Holy Spirit has literally "poured out" in our hearts:
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us....For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. (Rom. 5:8,10)
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The Impact of Unconditional Love
How our recognition and acceptance of this great, unconditional love of Christ should affect our relationships, and certainly our marriage, is illustrated by the apostle Paul in Romans 15:7: "Therefore receive one another, just as Christ also received us, to the glory of God."
When I accepted the Master Potter's challenge to let Him reshape my relationships, that's the love He poured out into my heart for Roy and his children, and later for Robin and our adopted children.
Based on what I was learning about the reshaping of relationships, I recognized that, led by the Holy Spirit, I needed to attempt to repair broken relationships. My mother and I, for example, entered an entirely new level of relationship when I confessed my rebellion as sin and began sharing her joy in the Lord. She had always been supportive in taking care of Tom whenever I called on her, but she was also constantly saddened by my attempts to run my own life and achieve my own goals. Now our relationship could mature as we worshiped and served the Lord on the same wavelength.
I also set about making restitution wherever possible for past breakdowns in relationships. Despite my best efforts, it often proved impossible to make full and just restitution. I found it excruciatingly painful that I could not get rid of guilt even with my efforts at restitution. Only when I recognized that Christ died to
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relieve me of guilt, that He died to cover every sin through His atonement, did I gain relief.
No Marriage Breakdown Is Good
Don't let anyone tell you that the breakdown of a marriage relationship is ever good. It may appear to be the only alternative, but separation and divorce are never "good." The fact is that the ultimate breakdown of a relationship, a divorce, provides a taste of hell. No matter who is to blame, and each spouse is normally equal to blame, divorce can only be defined as a failure to fulfill a contract between two people. It demonstrates a failure on the part of both to extend unconditional love to the other partner in the relationship. In my experience, divorce was like losing a part of myself to death. I have experienced both divorce and the death of a child, and I'm convinced they are on a par as the two most devastating experiences in life. In fact, you can emotionally write finis to the death of a child, even though I used to see Robin in the face of many children. But you really never write finis to a divorce; the other person is alive, and often around, for years, especially if there are children. That sense of failure returns to haunt you with every contact and every sight of the name.
On top of that, I discovered that I carried the fears, hurts, and resentments of a previous broken relationship into the next marriage. This emotional baggage prevented a true fresh start and the adequate handling of new hurts and resentments. I was always looking for the Dream Prince to ride up in shining armor and sweep me away to endless love and contentment. I never quite realized I was no prize myself.
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That's where the Master Potter performed His reshaping miracle in my life once I submitted my whole being to Him. As a result, Roy and I have been married for forty-six years, despite my earlier failures when I entered relationships on my own.
What a far cry from the easy in, easy out, attitude toward marriage today, where unconditional love is not even considered an important factor in the relationship.
The Master Potter is at work reshaping many other kinds of relationships as well. What is the goal of the Master Potter in this, and are any common attitudes and actions foundational for both marriage and other relationships? I believe the Master Potter has provided rather clear goals for His reshaping attitudes and actions once we submit to His loving hands.
I've already indicated how important family relationships are as the Master Potter shapes us for what He ultimately has in mind for us. Naturally, these family relationships continue throughout life and can provide a lot of emotional and practical support. But all of us need the basic relationship with a friend as well — that is especially true for women, as I indicated at the beginning of this chapter.
Poignant Example of Friendship
A truly poignant example is the friendship of Jonathan, the son of King Saul, and David, who was Public Enemy No. 1 as far as King Saul was concerned. We read about their relationship: "When he [David] did finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul" (1 Sam. 18:1).
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That relationship was kindled by the Master Potter in the hearts of both Jonathan and David and was nurtured by their admiration for each other, their trust in each other, and their willingness to sacrifice for each other. They cemented the relationship in a covenant, as we read in verse 3, with Jonathan taking off his royal robe and giving it, along with his armor and even his sword and his bow and his belt, to David. In effect, Jonathan was saying, "I trust you so much I am totally disarming myself and arming you. I know you will not turn on me but will use what I am giving you to fight the enemies of Israel."
That kind of trust is praiseworthy, but could it stand the test of time and the petty jealousies that arise in the king's court? As long as David kept beating up on the Philistines he remained in King Saul's good graces. But when King Saul "saw that he [David] behaved very wisely, he was afraid of him" (1 Sam. 18:15). King Saul began to see David as a rival instead of a key leader in his army, and he turned against David.
Now comes the emotional struggle the son of a king must have had when his father turns against his best friend. Jonathan agreed to determine his father's true motives toward David. When David was absent from his usual place in court for several days, King Saul became suspicious. He interrogated Jonathan, who provided the excuse that David had gone to make sacrifices with his family in Bethlehem.
King Saul gradually realized that there was more to it than that. He accused Jonathan:
"You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of your mother's nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, you shall not be established, nor your kingdom. Now therefore, send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die." (1 Sam. 20:30-31)
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Relationships That Risk It All
Jonathan's relationship with David was so deep he really was not concerned about his own future. So he risked his life, knowing how temperamental his father had become, by asking, "Why should he be killed? What has he done?" King Saul, who by now had become irrational because of his insane jealousy of David, threw his spear at Jonathan to kill him.
Jonathan secretly met with David to inform him that King Saul was determined to kill David. Again, Jonathan and David expressed their commitment to each other. They confirmed the covenant they had made about David's taking care of Jonathan's family if anything should happen to him.
Too ideal a story to be true? Just another priestly story to generate heroic loyalty among young men as they fought for their country?
Hardly, for David did care for Jonathan's family, because the Master Potter had "poured out" an unconditional love in David's heart. We also have a New Testament example, for the apostle Paul wrote about his very good friends, Aquila and Priscilla: "Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus, who risked their own necks for my life, to whom not only I give thanks, but also all the churches of the Gentiles" (Rom. 16:3-4).
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Notice that the apostle openly wrote Priscilla's name before her husband's, not at all afraid that someone would second-guess that relationship as anything but pure.
How different from the stories now surfacing in the newspapers and on television about relationships between men and men, women and women. They create an environment in which it has become extremely difficult for same-sex friendships to be nourished and held up as praiseworthy. Yet just because some homosexual or lesbian relationships of famous people make the headlines, it does not mean that we should not seek same-sex friendships.
Importance of Friendship In Marriage
In fact, Jim Talley in his book on dating relationships, Too Close, Too Soon, and on reconciliation after separation or divorce, Reconcilable Differences, insists that unless we are able to develop a same-sex friendship as a prelude to marriage, we will be unable to develop the deep friendship needed to sustain a marriage relationship. Once divorce has severed a marriage relationship that did not have a basis in true friendship, the couple needs to go through a period of friendship development with each other before even considering remarriage. In those environments the Master Potter can begin to reshape the relationship into one that will last and be a glory to God.
Recent books for men are now emphasizing that Christian men can and should develop friendly relationships with other men, the kind that has them playing racquetball and golf together. Equally important in today's sex-saturated environment, men, especially leaders, need to develop a circle of friends who will
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hold them accountable to the Master Potter's design for them.
For Christian women, who tend to seek close relationships through home Bible studies and church activities, it is much easier to develop friends they can confide in and ask to pray for them. If, however, such groups are only opportunities to learn the information in the Bible, they will not provide the relationship shaping the Master Potter is seeking. He had the apostle Paul write: "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Gal. 6:2).
Being There for Our Friends
How can we do this? Writing to the Romans, the apostle Paul provided the kind of environment in which this will happen:
We then who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification. For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, "The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on Me." For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope." (Rom. 15:1-4).
The Master Potter's "hands" clearly are not only the Holy Spirit He has placed in us, but self-sacrificing friends He has given us to shape us into His image, to be vessels unto honor.
You'll remember that in an earlier chapter I shared
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how Leonard and Frances Eilers were the Master Potter's hands in my life. Frances showed up on our doorstep one day after I had submitted to the Master Potter and gave me a specially marked Bible. She knew the temptations of being a Christian in show business, and the Lord used her to reshape my relationship with the Master Potter. I had been headstrong and independent for so long, I needed nurturing in how to discover and then accept the will of the Master Potter.
Frances and Leonard participated in the founding of the Hollywood Christian Group. She was my mentor and support, and Leonard was there for Roy as his "support system" during those traumatic years. I don't think I could have made it without them fulfilling the biblical command to "bear one another's burdens."
Through the years the Master Potter taught me what it means to "pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another" (Rom 14:19); to exercise the love which "bears all thing" (1 Cor. 13:7); to "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you" (Eph. 4:32). It took me much longer to come to terms with the apostle Paul's admonition:
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (Phil. 2:3-4)
That was not my nature as a person in show business,
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so the Master Potter had quite a bit of shaping to do before I began to be a vessel unto honor in that way. Even today I agree with the apostle Paul: "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" (Phil. 3:12).
Those of us who are in the public eye also are aware of another level of relationship, that of leader and follower, of employer and employee, of performer and support staff.
Remember when Roy's contract was up for renewal with Republic Pictures, and he wanted to include the right to participate in television included in the new contract? When the studio head flatly refused to consider it, he was not thinking of what was best for Roy but how to fight that intrusive new form of entertainment, television. As a result, he lost a star actor. Over and over again we have seen men in leadership let personal rivalries and jealousies determine their reactions to their own loss. As the saying goes, they cut off their noses to spite their faces.
Jealousies also develop among those not in leadership. One year when Roy and I were performing in a rodeo I got a taste of this kind of jealousy. Roy was clearly the star of the show, recognized as a top entertainer. Some of the cowboys really resented that, since they went out there on those Brahma bulls at the risk of being gored and losing their lives. I'm sure they thought, "Why should he get all the glory?"
They were really nice to my face, but one night I felt it. Roy, as usual, went out first on Trigger and greeted the crowd. Then he turned to introduce me. My routine was to come barreling out on my horse,
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Buttermilk, and greet the crowd. Buttermilk was a fast horse, a little quarterhorse, and I had to be in total command or I might fall off.
That night the drumroll came, and Buttermilk's ears went up. I kicked him to start him into the ring, but just as I did so one of the cowboys stuck his foot out in front of Buttermilk. He shied and jumped sideways, slamming my leg into the side of the chute. I was able to stay seated, but my leg was skinned and bleeding.
I went out and sang the national anthem with Roy and said hello to the people, despite my bleeding leg. Roy had seen the whole thing and was furious, but we were never able to determine who had done it.
The Apostle Paul's Relationship
That's a far cry from the relationship the Master Potter wants us to have with those we work with. I cannot help being amazed by the apostle Paul's relationships with those who were his associates, who traveled the dangerous roads of the Roman Empire with him and were exposed to the persecution preaching the gospel brought.
As you read the following excerpts that illustrate his relationships with his associates, notice the way Paul described those who traveled with him or spent time in Rome with him:
Tychichus, a beloved brother and faithful minister in the Lord. (Eph. 6:21)
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As you also learned from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ...(Col. 1:7)
Yet I considered it necessary to send to you Epaphroditus, my brother, fellow worker, and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger and the one who ministered to my needs. (Phil. 2:25)
But I trust in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you shortly...For I have no one else like him, who takes a genuine interest in your welfare. (Phil. 2:19,20)
Notice how he treated them as his peers, rather than followers or disciples or underlings. Over and over he called them his fellow workers. But notice also how careful he was to give them credit for their contribution, instead of hogging the limelight as the all-star apostle. That's the humility of Christ, which the Master Potter wants to instill in each of us through the work of the Holy Spirit.
Humility the Bottom Line
I'm impressed that the bottom line in all of these relationships is not only love, but also humility. Without our humility, the Master Potter cannot reshape our relationships. Without humility, our relationships cannot develop and become fruitful in serving our Lord. That's where the Master Potter started in my life — dealing with my pride and beginning to instill humility, so I could be Roy's helpmeet and raise the children in keeping with biblical principles.
All of the reshaping the Master Potter wants to do
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in our lives has really only one purpose: that we might be, as the apostle Paul called it, a vessel unto honor, a vessel fit for the Master Potter's use. Unfortunately, I did not recognize that early enough. In fact, when people ask me, "Do you have any real regret in your life? If you could go back, what would you change?" I say, "I would have completely turned to Christ earlier — like after the first real hurt in my life — the desertion by my first husband."
Join me in exploring what it means to be shaped by the Master Potter as we move to the next chapter.
Reflecting on the Shaping
1. What emotional symptoms indicate you need the Master Potter to reshape your relationships?
2. Dale had some very positive family relationships to look back on as models. What kind of relationships served as models for you — and may indicate a major reshaping is needed by the Master Potter?
3. If you are a husband, what can you learn from the experience of Hannah and Elkanah in terms of relationship support in marriage?
4. Why should we make every effort to sustain a marriage relationship shaped by the Master Potter in light of Romans 5:5 and Romans 15:7?
