Have You Accepted Yourself As You
Are?
It is no secret that numbers of Christians do not live well-adjusted lives, in spite of their obviously sincere desire to do so. I am convinced that much of their trouble is based in the fact that they have not accepted themselves as they really are.
They spend hours in prayer and Bible reading, and travel hundreds of miles to listen to Christian speakers, but in their own strictly personal relationship with Christ they are dealing with one, and sometimes two, comparative unknowns: their own true nature and the true nature of Christ.
Much of the needless strain drops away when the believer begins to be realistic about the two involved in the Christian life. You are involved, and He is involved. When the two of you work realistically together, any problem can have a creative solution.
We have already established in Chapter 3 that He knows and accepts you as you are. But do you know yourself, and have you accepted yourself as you really are?
God will always do the best He can with us under all
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circumstances. But as with the prodigal son (Chapter 5) we all need to "come to ourselves." We can remain unconsciously insincere and unrealistic even in our prayer lives unless we have an accurate estimate of our own personality twists and neuroses.
One sincere Christian woman I know prayed for years that her son-in-law would show her more love. That he would participate more freely in the family activities. Nothing whatever happened until this woman began to see that she, herself, was blocking the boy. She gave him money and a home, but unknowingly she "loved" the fellow from a pedestal. Her daughter, the boy's wife, had died giving birth. The woman carried an unconscious resentment against him because she had advised them not to have another child. When the child was born, her daughter died. This resentment was easier for her to see, however, than the fact that her show of "love" toward her son-in-law had been all talk and gifts of money!
When she began to see herself realistically and to accept herself as a woman with a desperate need to stop trying to act as though she loved the boy, and to really include him in her life, she was free. She can laugh at herself now. And laughter at oneself is always proof that God has healed us in the touchy places.
Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." At first glance, this seems almost a ridiculous thing to say. Is anyone ever pure in heart? If not, then does this mean that no one can ever really see God as He is?
No. It means that we can be clear in our motives. The simplest meaning of the word pure as it is used so often in the New Testament is clear or clean. Clean in the sense of being uncluttered.
I have been greatly helped by a book, The Psychology of Jesus and Mental Health, by Dr. Raymond L. Cramer. I wholeheartedly recommend it for anyone who is inter-
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ested in genuine help toward Christian maturity. Pursuing this study of the meaning of the word "pure," Dr. Cramer writes: "...this word 'pure' as used in the Sixth Beatitude is derived from the same root as in 'catharsis' — meaning to cleanse or make pure. It refers to something that is free from that which would spoil or corrupt. The original Greek word meaning 'to cleanse' has reference in medical terminology to a purgative — a cathartic which cleanses or purges. The word 'catharsis' in psychological jargon describes a discharge of repressed ideas or emotions. Conflict is said to be eliminated by bringing the disturbed feature into consciousness and giving expression to it — spilling out the emotionally charged material."1
Dr. Cramer further explains that "there is no implication that merely telling someone else of our troubles or mistakes will have the desired effect because catharsis is possible only under permissive conditions."
He illustrates by saying that, in catharsis, the therapist's "calm, accepting manner is in direct contrast to the harsh condemnation that caused the individual to become so fearful that his unacceptable feelings were repressed beyond conscious awareness. No relief is secured by giving expression to the suppressed emotions if the listener shows signs of disapproval or shock."
It will do little or no good, then, if we spill out our problems to either overly sympathetic ears or to someone who is shockable. How simple it would seem to be if only the Christian would learn to spill out his troubles to God, who is always realistic, calm and accepting, and never shocked.
This does work when we do it honestly, calling our resentments by name, seeing ourselves as we are, admitting to our unloving natures, crying out to God to replace them with His own. But it is impossible for us to tell our real troubles even to God, when we don't know what they are ourselves. Or, worse still, when we catch a frighten-
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ing momentary glimpse of ourselves and then rationalize it away!
If you are having trouble with another human being, the fault may lie mainly in the other person, but some of it is in you. I have never yet been involved with anyone in a difficult relationship in which the other person has been totally at fault. Perhaps my attitude is all that is wrong. I may be doing a seemingly magnificent job of being a spiritual "giant" by saying the right sounding things. But our attitudes always speak louder than our words. Especially if they are speaking to a disturbed personality.
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
Dr. Cramer provocatively paraphrases the word "blessed" as used in the Beatitudes as "congratulations." So, congratulations to you if you have unmixed motives, because then you will be able to see through your own tangled attitudes — to God Himself. You will be clear in your heart, so you will be able to see God's way clearly and act clearly upon it.
If you are an hysterical, panicky, immature type of person, God's word cannot get through to you. You have listened too long to the sound of your own voice. It may be difficult for you to admit your immaturity and go to Him with it, talking with Him about it, but you must be willing to do this before He can answer your prayers to be rid of your present problems.
If the least little upsetting thing throws you into a rage, or causes you to lash out against someone else for causing your discomfort, you need to see in yourself the reason for such behavior. Your universe revolves around you, when it should revolve around God. You may not be able to help yourself, but God can help you — if you recognize and accept yourself as you are and begin to be honest with Him.
If you fill in every gap in an argument by running
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yourself down, take stock! You are not only belittling God by implying that He is unable to cope with your magnificent inferiority, you are probably trying to force someone else to pay attention to you. Your motives are mixed. You are not seeing yourself clearly.
If the slightest criticism throws you into a tirade of self-defense, you cannot see God for looking at yourself.
The "pure in heart," those who are clear deep within themselves, are those who will make an effort, at least, to see themselves in their darkest need and accept what they see as being true. Then, being able to see God, they will see that the only thing to do is to throw themselves, as they are, at the feet of Christ, as He is!
As long as we keep up one defense, He cannot do His best for us. As long as we keep one eye covered where our own sins and mistakes are concerned, He is blocked, even though He longs to reconstruct our shabby personalities. As long as we justify one streak of bitterness on our part, blaming it on someone else's mistreatment of us, God must wait until we become honest before Him.
I do believe that there are some personalities so twisted, so maladjusted, that they will need professional help in seeing themselves as they are. In the majority of cases, however, some honest study of the teachings of Jesus, a period of time in prayer and self-examination through the words of Paul in the thirteenth chapter of I Corinthians, will show us, if we are willing to see, what we are really like. We may see some of the defects in other people, too, during this time, but this is not our responsibility. Before any relationship can smooth out, someone involved in it must — see God! Which means that someone involved in it must be willing to have his inner motives purified. Made clear.
Otherwise both parties will go on demanding of the other what neither will be willing to give.
At the time of my conversion to Jesus Christ, I came
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face to face with a woman with my name who was obviously concerned, above everything else, with relieving her own emotional needs in the pursuit of pleasure and stimulating people and work.
She was not concerned about people who needed her, she was concerned only about people who pleased or amused or benefited her in some way. She was not concerned about the work that needed to be done in the world, she was concerned only with the work that aroused her interest or paid her well. She was no longer concerned with thinking clearly and acting constructively, she was concerned with finding new forms of pleasure — travel, records, book collections, pedigreed dogs — anything that relieved her own emotional tensions for the moment.
When I came face to face with myself as I was, I wanted to do away with me. But there was the great Kindness all around me, and instead of annihilating myself I accepted myself as I was, a human being desperately in need of a Saviour. Facing myself clearly, I was able to see enough of God in Christ to know that He could change me into the kind of person He intended me to be in the first place!
When we give honest expression of the need in our own lives to God, we begin to experience healing.
Evil, according to Jesus, has to come from within. In Matthew 15:18, 19 we find Him declaring: "...what comes out of the mouth comes from the heart; that pollutes a man. For out of the heart come evil designs, murders, adulteries, sexual vices, thefts, lyings and slanders. These pollute a person; but to eat with unwashed hands does not pollute a person."
It is the condition existing at the center of our beings with which God must work. But in order that He can work, we must remove ourselves from the squirrel cage
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of spiritual techniques and begin to be realistic about what is within us.
Once we see ourselves realistically and accept what we see, then we are well on our way to realizing that God has already accepted us. According to the Sixth Beatitude, it is impossible to see God as He is until we have seen ourselves as we are. His love glows most brightly in the shadows of our need. Once I saw the depths of my own need and unworthiness, I was forced to allow Christ to stride out from among the religious old wives' tales where He is pictured as vengeful and remote. I was forced by the need in my own heart to realize that He didn't have to be entreated and cajoled and shouted at as I had heard done in my childhood. I was forced by the need in my own heart to look for Him at the only place where He can really be discovered — as He is — on the Cross with His arms stretched out, entreating all of us to come.
Sin has been defined as missing the mark. When we miss our mark in life, when we are unable to cope with the stresses and strains of life, it is due to the natural condition of man's heart, orbiting all alone — in some area, at least — disconnected from God.
The balanced, well-adjusted individual will be able to "roll with the punches" life hands him. If he is knocked down, he will get up and go on, accepting himself as a mere human being who is not and will not be perfect in this life. He will allow himself some failures, some grief, some disappointments. He will not blaze away at the circumstances or persons which cause his troubles. If he is downcast, he will accept the fact that God created all humanity with emotions which change. He will not leap to the egotistical conclusion that he is a singular victim borne down upon by a cruel world. If he is criticized, he may experience pain, but he will face the fact that his critics are the unpaid guardians of his soul. Perhaps there
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are grounds for their criticism, perhaps not. But if we have accepted ourselves as we are — human beings with enormous limitations and enormous potentials, we will expect enough, but not too much.
Actually, experiencing too much of life and other people is in reality not expecting enough from God!
If you honestly see yourself now as being unable to cope with life, if you cannot "roll with the punches" it hands you, if you tend to berate and belittle yourself, if your outlook is gloomy and hopeless, if you set unreasonable goals for yourself and feel "put upon" because you do not reach them, if in a difficult human relationship you criticize and attempt to bring the other person down to your level of failure, then you have not accepted yourself realistically. None of these excessive responses to life linger for long in the personality of a person who has seen himself as he is, and has accepted himself as just another sin-distorted member of the human race in need of His creator's full life within him.
Dr. Cramer insists, and I believe rightly, that "emotionally disturbed persons are hopeless just as long as they think they are, and as long as they make no effort to change."
Jesus said, "Blessed are the hungry and thirsty for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." Righteousness is rightness within and without. Integrity. A state of being complete, unmixed in our inner motives. The Bible tells us that we "are complete in Him." But reaching this state of completeness involves active participation from us. We learn to see God as He is, by learning to see ourselves as we are — incomplete without Him.
The very inadequacy of human nature points to the adequacy of God, or we live in an atmosphere of futility and treachery on the part of heaven!
When we stop to face the fact of the importance of one human personality to Jesus Christ, we are forced to face
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the fact that He offers the glorious potential of redeeming that human personality, or He was not who He claimed to be.
If you, right now, are claiming that your problems are unsolvable in Christ, you are inferring that Christendom is populated with idolaters.
All broken or damaged human relationships are merely outward signs of a lack of peace with God somewhere. The cause of the break with God may be an unconscious act or attitude on the part of the persons involved. But if we will come to Him honestly, confronting ourselves with the possibility that we have somewhere failed to be realistic about ourselves in the situation, He will show us.
"Wisdom from above" is a necessity if we are to adjust to the traumatic changes which life brings. But we do not get "wisdom from above" if we are not able to cope with it. There is a personal participation required here.
The Apostle James wrote, "Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior that his actions are carried on with unobtrusive wisdom. But if you cherish bitter jealousy and rivalry in your hearts, do not pride yourselves in it and play false to the truth." Our actions and reactions show at once if we are making use of the "wisdom from above" which God has promised to anyone who asks. God does promise wisdom if we ask for it. "If any one of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to everyone without reserve...." But before He can give anything to us, we need to understand why we need it.
One good way to find out if you have truly accepted yourself as you are, and are making use of "wisdom from above" in your human relationships, is to meditate on this revealing passage in James' letter: "The wisdom from above is first of all pure [its motives are unmixed], then peaceable [without hidden barbs], courteous [kind], congenial [not self-defensive], full of mercy and good fruits
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[outgoing and Christ-like], impartial [fair-minded] and unpretentious [humble]."
Understanding does not necessarily imply approval, or sympathy, or agreement. Understanding is among the most misused of words. If a disturbed person constantly cries, "No one understands me!" the chances are that most people do. What that person is really saying is that no one sympathizes enough, no one does enough to make his life easier. There are many instances where one person misunderstands another, of course. But if this feeling of being misunderstood is a pattern, if the troubled person seems unable to find anyone who understands, it is quite likely that the difficulty lies in him. Understanding does not necessarily imply approval. It simply gives us a starting place.
From his years of counseling, both as a pastor and as a practicing psychologist, Dr. Raymond Cramer concludes that "The psychology of Jesus emphasizes facing reality, seeing one's self as a prerequisite to peace. The peacemaker faces problems, he does not avoid them... As we make peace with God, a change comes into our own lives and this is in turn reflected in the lives of other people. (Once) I have arrived at the state of being at peace with myself, at the center of my being, I can take a more normal attitude toward myself. People need no longer tiptoe around my personality!"
If people are forced to "tiptoe around" your personality, for your own sake discover where you have failed to understand yourself. Discover where you have failed to accept yourself as you are. Where you have failed to allow your own inner cleansing.
Once we have arrived at the place of being able to accept ourselves as we are, we automatically see our need for a deeper peace with God. A deeper commitment to Him and His methods of peaceful living. No one really sees himself as he is without seeing his own desperate
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need. At the point of need, the whole human race shares a common denominator.
And once we have seen and accepted ourselves as we are, we find it rather simple to see and accept other persons as they are. We stop feeling "put upon." We see that we mistreat and that we are mistreated by those who are as needy as we are. We see that we do not love adequately and are not loved enough. We see that we reject and that we are rejected. We see that we fail and so does everyone else.
God created a human family. And when it jerked itself loose from oneness with Him, it immediately took on one flagrant family trait — need. But there is no reason for desperation here. There is reason for rejoicing! Because all that anyone needs, to be filled with the fullness of God, is to recognize and accept his own need in the Presence of the One who can fill it.
In accepting our need, we accept ourselves. It is the essential self of the human being that needs the essential Self of God. And He has made Himself available to everyone.
