The Difference Christ Makes
In Your Married Life

Chapter 8

Does it make a real difference in a woman's relationship with her husband whether or not her life is controlled by Jesus Christ?

   Perhaps some may think I, a single woman, would have little to say about this. But human relationships are all basically the same, and I will be drawing heavily in this chapter on actual stories about women and their husbands whom I know personally.

   I would like to say that the statistics about divorce which shock most people don't shock me at all. I am amazed that so few marriages end in the divorce courts! Real harmony is necessary for two people of opposite sex to live together under one roof. And according to Webster, harmony is "a just adaptation of parts to each other."

   How many of us are really willing to adjust to someone else? Particularly in the case of marriage when the courtship has been built on the timeworn, but still popular method of the gentleman in the case paying gallant court to the

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lady in the case. Often, he tells her she is beautiful. Often, he brings her little gifts. He opens doors for her and carries her books or bundles. He is not only expected to wait for her to "complete" herself, but he is expected to exclaim enthusiastically about the results of her efforts to make herself beautiful.

   Nothing can be done about the expected flattering and extravagant build-up which the average male gives to the average female during the courtship days. This is custom and tradition and it is his inherent nature to do it, and her inherent nature to expect it.

   Then they are married. He is busy and forgets. He is tired and doesn't notice the new dress. She is busy and occasionally forgets to repair her lipstick or comb her hair before he comes home, the conquering hero from his day's labor. He doesn't compliment her enough any more and she doesn't do much to deserve it.

   The more emotionally unstable of the two begins to quake inwardly about the honeymoon being over and the very rafters of the love-nest scream for "adjustment!"

   Harmony.

   It would be a horrible and chaotic world if honeymoons did last. On honeymoons, I am told, the lovers have only eyes and ears and minds for each other. If all married people remained in this introverted state, who would keep the stores open, who would preach the sermons, who would run the banks, who would operate the bakeries and the beauty salons, and who would practice medicine, try legal cases and repair automobiles? For that matter, not only the gentlemen would be immobilized where society is concerned, but so would the ladies. Who would wash the dishes and type the letters and mend the clothes and teach politeness and instill emotional stability in the little tousled dears who would keep resulting from the perpetual honeymoon?

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   The whole brain-smashing complexity of marital relations has not been adequately covered yet in all the slick magazine articles and heavy tomes expounding it. And certainly, we can do no more than be honest about some of the basic problems in this one chapter. But I shall attempt to reveal something of what I have learned firsthand from the hundreds of women with whom I have discussed this important relationship.

   And we will, of course, be primarily concerned with the fact that if God created the marriage relationship, certainly He is capable of making it work. Provided at least someone involved is willing to live a Christ-controlled life. That statistics on the divorce rate among active Christians are low. This would indicate that Christian couples have a way of meeting and solving their difficulties. They still have them, but they have a way out, too. However, I believe we must be altogether realistic. All Christian married couples are not well adjusted, happy people. Here again, from having stayed in so many Christian homes during the past several years, I can tell rather quickly whether or not there is real love and real peace between Mr. and Mrs. Evangelical. Christ is the way out of marital problems, but some don't seem to know how to appropriate Him. Some Christian couples stay married simply because they don't believe in divorce.

   One thing is sure, we can't solve the husbands' personality problems for them, but we can consider honestly some of the adjustments which Christian women have to face. And if you are not a Christian, we who are hope that our honesty in admitting our need for Christ in every relationship will help to convince you of your need for Him, too.

   I have chosen to divide this chapter according to the marital problems about which women talk to me most frequently.

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(1) "My husband seems to be jealous of our children." This would seem to indicate a decidedly selfish streak in Mr. Husband. I have discovered from actual contacts and from my reading on the subject that this is not necessarily true at all. It is certainly true that children do take more of a woman's attention. They require more of her time. They have a special hold on her heart. And without a doubt, the mother has more of a dual role to play than her husband. She is with the children most of the time. They are an integral part of her work, just as the husband's customers or clients or patients are an integral part of his work. And coming home, to the husband, means freedom from these work contacts. He is in a different atmosphere altogether. He can get away from his work much more easily than a woman, who never really gets away from hers! She may love her little "customers" with all her heart, but they are always around. Needing her.

   I am thinking, as I write, of one young mother whose heart was broken and whose faith in God was really shaken. Her husband had begun to stay at the office at night. She had no real reason to suspect him of anything more than staying at the office, but she was sinking rapidly into the mud of self-pity and making more mud for herself by shedding copious tears over the fact that her husband didn't love her any more.

   After another slight torrent or two of weeping, we got down to facts. They had had their first real argument when he came home one evening all excited about an ice show in town. He had tickets and wanted to take his wife out on a real date, replete with orchids and dinner in the best restaurant. He was being a thoughtful husband. He wasn't doing it all for her, though, because I'm convinced from other things she told me that he wanted to do it for his own heart's sake, too. He was proud of the way she looked and

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the longed to recapture some of the fun they had together before the baby came.

   A little more investigation on my part and I discovered that their three-year-old child had begun to cry noisily the moment her mother said: "But, darling, I can't leave Nancy! You remember how she cried the last time we left her with the baby sitter."

   Nancy's three-year-old ears caught the phrase "I can't leave Nancy." This was her little cue. And she took it lustily.

   Nancy won. They didn't go. And the incident had been repeated several times within the year. Only once did the wife agree to go out with her husband alone. Night after night they sat at home, while Nancy turned rapidly into a spoiled brat who knew all she had to do was begin to make loud use of the favorite weapon of her gender — tears. Night after night they sat at home, and night after night the confused, foolish wife began baby sitting alone.

   You who are mothers may honestly think you are doing the best thing for your children when you put them first. You are not. Your husband must be given equal billing with them. He may be ever so proud a father, and he no doubt loves the children as much as you do, but he loves you, too. And if you are going to give your youngsters the security which they need so desperately in childhood, you must keep the love between you and your husband alive. Show him affection in the presence of your children. A family unselfconscious about kissing one another is a basically happy family. I shall always be glad for this in my own childhood. I kissed my mother every morning before I went to school. So did my brother. And he also kissed me. Dad drove me to school and it didn't even occur to me to be shy about giving him a kiss before I hopped out of the car. He and Mother kissed every time they parted right up to their last parting the afternoon of the day he went to be with the Lord.

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   Your children will feel an insecurity impossible to describe if they cannot count on the love mother has for dad and the love dad has for mother. This, of course, is the reason why youngsters from broken homes are marked permanently by a deep, dark sense of dread that crawls and claws under every phase of their lives. The child has a right for his parents to love each other. They are his only security. They are the rock or the quicksand under his first steps into adulthood.

   It seems rather generally to be a woman's instinct to be a protective mother. Not always, but generally. It also seems to be her instinct to be a spoiled brat where her husband is concerned. But from my concrete observations, I am convinced that if you are a good wife, you will also be a good mother. You cannot be a good mother unless you are a good wife first. If you are not considerate of your husband, you will knock from beneath your child the very thing he wants most — security.

   The next time your husband asks you to go out, go. And if he has gotten out of the habit, ask him to take you! It may take a few invitations on your part before he gets back into the chivalrous ways again, but persevere. For his sake. For the children's sake. For your own sake and for Christ's sake.

(2) "My husband is so demanding of me. He expects too much of me physically and socially. I can't keep up with him. Women just don't have as much energy as men."

   There are exceptions to all generalities. But again from many, many talks with women (and not a few with their husbands, too) I am convinced that most "demanding" husbands are, at heart, disappointed little boys. I agree that a demanding mate is an immature mate. But could it be that his wife is the instigator of this strange, new side of his personality which appeared after married life settle down into the daily thing it is?

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   What happens in your house when your husband comes home? The masculine ego is something which all women who marry men should take into consideration. There it is. It is a part of the reason he is a man. It is not his nature to work quietly behind the scenes. The responsibility of providing for you and your children are his. And ego is not a sinful trait, unless it is inflated. It is, in reality, our identity. You have an ego, too. That's what suffers when he neglects you. If he has become demanding, it is because he is suffering, too. Maybe his own mother failed to encourage him. Maybe he was suffering from the same feeling of inadequacy when you married him. Maybe it only started to show recently.

   Whatever the cause, do you (honestly, now) encourage him enough? Are you willing to stop for just one minute when he comes home to give him a welcoming kiss and ask him about his day? And after you ask him, do you remember to listen to what he has to say, or do you run back to the kitchen as though you hadn't asked a thing? Men need to be built up by the women they love. This isn't flattery. There must be something about him you admire or you wouldn't have married him in the first place. Let him know you still admire it.

   If your husband is demanding, there is at least a strong possibility that you have forgotten that he needs attention, too. He is demanding it. It is his right. And if he makes his demands in an ungentlemanly way, that is only because he isn't perfect any more than you are. Husbands need proof of love from their wives. Just as wives need proof of love from their husbands. Just because he invades your workshop at dinner time, don't treat him like an invader. It's his home, too.

(3) "My husband is a social misfit (or a gambler, or a lazy ne'er-do-well, or an alcoholic). We just don't have anything in common."

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   This complaint from women almost invariably comes from a woman who rushed into her marriage. More often than not, she is intellectually her husband's superior. Socially, she knows what to do, but he doesn't. And he humiliates her in public by talking too loudly or telling off-color jokes or by drinking. She has given up trying to go places with him. They are just together because of the children. Poor children!

   I admit these cases seem almost hopeless. How can a man's social or intellectual or sensitivity pattern be changed when he is an adult? Much of it can't be. Much of it won't be. But in a few instances, I have seen the wife change so much that a compatible relationship resulted in spite of the husband's personality defects. Actually, I have seen some changes in the husband himself, once the wife did what every human being has to do with every other human being before any real harmony can result.

   She must accept him as he is!

   One woman said to me that it took her twelve years to get to the place of accepting her husband as being an alcoholic who couldn't hold a job. "I couldn't get it out of my mind that my sister's husband was such a wonderful fellow. Why was mine the way he was?"

   Finally, she began to see the great Christian wisdom in acceptance. God died on a Cross for us as we are. He does not demand that we "mend our ways." He takes us now and He died for us then, just exactly as we are. If we are followers of Jesus Christ, we must follow His thinking, too. And His actions.

   Many men are driven deeper into their faults and sins and personality defects and social inadequacies by women who refuse to accept them as they are. But who also refuse to stop trying to change them. We can influence people, but only God, through His Holy Spirit, can change them.

   The woman who had tried for twelve years to accept her

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husband, is now, slowly, very slowly, but gradually creating in him an interest in life again. And an interest in life is just a step away from full acceptance of Life through Jesus Christ.

(4) "My husband leaves all the disciplining of our children to me. I'm afraid the children will build up resentment toward me and just think their dad's tops."

   There could be many reasons why a father will do this. He could be so eager for his children's acceptance and approval that he leaves all the unpleasantness to his wife unconsciously. He could just be a weak character. He could be too busy. (A mistake on his part, but an explanation nevertheless.) He could hold some hidden resentment toward his wife, choosing to put her in a "bad light" with the children.

   But we have said we cannot solve the gentlemen's difficulties. We can only go so far as possible, woman to woman, in facing our own. Could it be that you have not spoken highly enough in the past to your children of your husband's character? Children usually think of their father what mother thinks of him! Could it be that you have gone ahead with the discipline, allowing the child to know that you're doing it on your own without consulting their father? I realize that most of the actual disciplining of a child occurs when dad is at the office or the store or the factory. But it is always possible to include him, even though he isn't there. "Your father and I have talked this over." But be sure you have talked it over. If you draw your husband intelligently into things at home, he won't resent it. He'll be honored. And he should share the disciplinary measures with you. Give your youngsters the certainty that you respect their father's word and then they will come to respect it, too.

(5) "My husband is a Christian. At least I think he is. But

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he isn't interested in my prayer groups and he won't read the Bible with me, etc."

   This is a common problem. And I honestly believe that in many instances if the wife would include her husband more and stop fidgeting because he doesn't talk as much about his Christianity as she does, he might relax a little in it. Men are not talkative by nature (most of them). Your husband may have the seed of a living faith down in his heart, but you can jump up and down on it with anxiety and "spiritual talk" until it is buried so deeply he may think it is dead!

   Here again, there are always exceptions. But if there is a spark of the life of Christ in him, cultivation is what it needs. And since the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, maybe you'll have to begin with his stomach! No woman can convince her husband of Christianity until she has convinced him of her love and respect for him as a person. Why not be simple and direct and natural with him where spiritual matters are concerned? Ask the Lord to open the way for such a conversation and tell your husband quite honestly (and as sweetly as you know how) that even though you feel you know what you believe about Jesus Christ, you would really be interested to know what he believes, too.

   The way for such a conversation may be years in opening up (God and God alone knows when a heart is prepared), but in the meantime, let the man know you love him no matter what he believes!

(6) "My husband is not a Christian and he is antagonistic about Christianity. He doesn't even want me to take our children to Sunday school. He says he wants me to keep quiet about religion around the house."

   This is perhaps the most common complaint of all. And

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it is a difficult situation. But not a hopeless one. Nothing is hopeless when Jesus Christ is on the scene!

   First of all, such a wife must accept her husband as he is: a non-believer. She must stop expecting him to be interested in something which he does not see. She must stop pitying herself for this state of affairs. She doesn't want her husband to become a Christian half so much as Jesus Christ wants him. In any relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian, the Christian must always remember that God created all people. And in them all, He created the need and the desire to belong to Himself. In every human being, even the most antagonistic, Jesus Christ has a hidden ally. This ally may be buried so deep within the person it is never noticeable. But it is there.

   The wife with the non-Christian husband must proceed with this knowledge firmly in mind. She is not alone. God Himself is working. Her problem is to cooperate. He is never blind to the quirks of any personality. We often are. This wife must not ask God to help her, she must ask Him how she can better enable Him to work through her!

   One woman asked me if I thought she should go to church every Sunday regardless of the fact that it always created an argument when she came home. Here again there is no pat answer. Many women go no matter what happens and in the going against opposition, they shift their intended Christ-like attitude to one of self-pity and develop an entirely unChristian persecution complex. This makes their Christianity even more unattractive to their husbands.

   After prayer with her, I once suggested to a woman in this predicament that she be more direct with her husband. I suggested that she appeal to his reason — not about religion, but about the fairness of the thing. She tried it. She told her husband that she knew he had great respect for anyone with genuine convictions, political, social or otherwise. He

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agreed that he did. "I'm not trying to shove anything down your throat, honey," she went on, "I won't even ask you to go to church with me again. Not ever. But don't you respect my right to do what I honestly feel in my heart I should do?"

   He agreed that he did.

   "Well, why not think of my hour at church on Sunday as I think of the two evenings you are away bowling and working at the store? You feel you need to do both of them. I respect your convictions in the matter. Can't you do the same for me? I'm only asking that you be reasonable and kind about permitting me to spend one hour a week in church. Do you love me and respect me that much?"

   He grinned broadly.

   There have been no more arguments about her attendance in church on Sunday. Once in awhile he asks her to go with him on Sunday to "make a day of it" in the country. Her Christian life is not dependent upon her attendance at church, it is dependent upon Jesus Christ. And now and then she goes with him for the whole day. She is not doing it in the attitude of mingled guilt and oppression, she is doing it with a fervent prayer in her heart that her going with him cheerfully will help open his heart!

   A few months after he stopped grumbling about her attendance at church on Sundays, she felt it was the time to bring up the Sunday school question. Their child was two. The mother wanted the boy to go, of course.

   She approached her husband in just the same way as before. She reminded him again of his fair-mindedness in his business and social life. She was sitting beside him on the sofa and he had his arm around her as they talked. (Nagging self-righteously from the kitchen never won any argument with any man!)

   "I've been thinking a lot about what you said about your reasons

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for not wanting Bobby to go to Sunday school. I can see your reasoning. I really can. You want him to be left free to make his own decisions when he is old enough. You don't want him prejudiced by a bunch of Sunday school teachers during his formative years."

   Mr. Husband sensed religion coming and he instinctively took his arm from around her shoulders. As though he hadn't his wife continued quietly.

   "There's one thing that puzzles me, though. When he is not being exposed to God, he is being exposed to a life without God. When Bobby is not learning how Jesus Christ can help us live creative lives, he is learning how to run his life himself! What I don't quite understand in your reasoning is that if you were giving me a valid argument, you would be equally against his starting to school or even playing with his friends. If he must be kept away from church in order to keep an open mind for later on, how are we going to keep him away from the daily things any child does? If he is to have what you call an open mind, he must be protected from everything! Even from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny."

   Her husband lit a cigarette.

   But he didn't have an answer. She waited for several minutes. He got up, threw the match into the fireplace and then sat down again beside her.

   He was smoking thoughtfully. Very thoughtfully. This wise little woman was counting on God for every second of this conversation. And she was counting on the love and understanding she really felt in her heart for her husband.

   In a few more minutes she spoke again, even more quietly than before.

   "It seems to me that what you are saying is that he should have an empty mind. Not an open mind."

   Another long moment. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, it does work out that way, doesn't it?"

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   That's all he said, but he slipped his arm around her again.

   "If Bobby's anything like his father or his mother," she laughed, "he'll still have a mind of his own. I just think he should be exposed to the things of God as well as to fishing and boating and all the other wonderful things you share with him already."

   He smashed out his cigarette. "Yeah, never thought about it that way. You may be right. I'm going to line him up for a swimming course at the Y, too, just as soon as he's old enough."

   God had won His point. There was no sign or feeling in this wise woman that she had won! She was controlled by Christ at the center of her being. He had won and her heart sang.

   The boy is six now and in a recent letter she told me that her husband had asked to go to the Children's Day Sunday morning church service to hear his son sing about Jesus Christ. Knowing this woman's open mind and heart toward Christ, and knowing Christ, I expect any day to heart that her husband knows Him, too.

   Once again, I remind you that the golden key God used to unlock our sin-hardened and sin-terrified human hearts was the golden key of identification. He could have sat on His Throne and mused: "Well, after all I've done for them, they should be able to do a better job of being my creations. I'll just keep nagging at them through the prophets and sit here until they come to their senses and begin to obey me."

   Even as I write these lines, my heart almost bursts with gratitude that He didn't do that!

   He identified with us.

   He came down here and became one of us. He allowed

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Himself to experience our fears and heartaches and suffering. As Jesus Christ, He walked the same earth we walk, and was tempted in His own humanity as we are tempted in ours. And then He stretched out His arms to all of us and let us nail Him to a Cross. God did this because He knew nothing else would work with stubborn humanity!

   Wives can do it with their husbands, too. Anyone can identify with anyone else, if she is guided in every step of this identification by the One who used the golden key first.

   Ask God to show you, in the particular problem you face with your husband, how to identify with him. Ask Him to show you how it feels to be your husband, with his problems and his needs and his background. Get in it with him. God will be giving you His attention and His sensitivity every minute. His stakes in your husband's life are great. He died for him.

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